IShootPorn: We can start with your vitals – your name – age, weight, height, and all that. And how did you get into porn?

The Minion: My real name is Humpty which rhymes with an Umpty. I’m 6’6” and weigh in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chizzled, and jacked 330 lbs. I got into porn because Chico Wang was looking for a minion to help him out. I e-mailed him and the gracious gook took me out for lunch that day, and we chatted for a bit. I didn’t hear from him for about a month (he must have been running his dry cleaning business) but I eventually got hired. I have always been a porn fan and was buying tapes when I was 13 (I looked older). I was known as the “porn king” in junior high and high school – but that didn’t get me any pussy.

ISP: I don’t imagine being known as the Porn King in school would get you pussy. Girls probably hated you, huh?

TM: Girls can’t hate you when they don’t know you exist. I went to my high school prom with a blind date. I don’t even remember the chick’s name. I never did well with girls, seeing as how I’m 6’5” and hung like a pimple. Now I’m making up for lost time. Actually, right this second I’m getting ready to do a scene and have a bunch of food ready. I think I’m gonna take some whores with me to my 10 year high school reunion in 2008.

ISP: How do you prefer your bacon cooked? Well done and crispy, or soft n’ chewy?

TM: Listen Hammer, this Jew doesn’t consume bacon or anything from the filthy animal. I don’t eat pork, not even with a fork!

ISP: List your top five favorite porn girl fucks, and why.

TM: 1 – Kacey: She’s somewhat of a legend and she bashed my head into the garage door. I might have suffered some brain bramage.

2 – Sativa Rose: Need I say more?

3 – Kat: She loved pissing on me, and I fucked her raw a few times off camera. She’s nuts, but I love her.

4 – Avy Lee Roth: I was in her for maybe a minute and couldn’t keep wood the entire time. The reason was I did a scene a few hours earlier, and the whore slapped my right ear so hard the pain bounced back and forth between ears. Nonetheless, I still was inside Avy Lee.

5 – Chanel Chavez: She had me stick my cock into a jar of hot salsa. I still fucked her and popped a nice load on her. Think about that while you eat dinner tonight.

ISP: Led Zep II or IV, and why?

TM: Led Zeppelin 2 and 4 are both great albums. However, my favorite is In Through The Out Door. If I had to choose I would say Led Zeppelin 2 because Moby Dick rocks! I hope Page and Plant are fans of mine. Could you imagine them watching one of my scenes? I would let them do it if I got backstage to one of their future shows. Backstage catering is something I gotta try out for myself.

ISP: Do you know Wendy’s still offers the Triple, even though the took it off their menu?

TM: I don’t eat at Wendy’s. I’m a Carl’s Jr Man.

ISP: Who gives the best head in the business?

TM: I just had a BJ from Missy Monroe, and she does it really well. I’ve had my miniscule cock in so many whores’ mouths that I can’t really remember. Katin would have to be up there as well. I shot my donut glaze right on her mouth.

ISP: How does someone become like you?

TM: Eat lots of Korean food, never turn down an offer to go to a buffet, and hope your dick is as pathetic as mine.

The Minion can be reached at diabolicminion (at) yahoo (dot) com – photos courtesy of Chico Wang