The number one e-mail I get from visitors of this blog goes something like I’m 22, I love to fuck chicks, and I want to be in porn. Please Billy hook me up! I know I can do it better than anyone else!!

To which I want to reply — no, you can’t.

You can’t fuck on film. You might be able to hold a small, hand-held camcorder and bang your bitch in the privacy of your own bedroom, but no, you can’t fuck on film.

You can’t fuck a brand new piece of ass for more that 2 minutes without popping, either. You might be able to bang your bitch in your room all night long without shooting a load, but no, you can’t bang Bree Olson or Eve Lawrence or Tiffany Taylor for more than 2 minutes without popping.

Really, you can’t.

You can’t fuck on a brightly-lit set with a bunch of strangers watching you while a director barks orders at you. You might be able to bang your bitch in front of your buddies in the midst of an all-night booze session, but no, you won’t be able to take direction and open up for a camera so all the porn fans will see your ween going into her poon.

And imagine what’s going to happen when you walk on set and the whore you’re getting paid to fuck is a bitch, and she has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever. Imagine if you aren’t attracted to her, either. Then the director, who’s an asshole, gives you shit for showing up a little (or a lot) late on set.

If you’re a girl, I really don’t want to read your e-mails looking for work anymore, either. First off, you need to drag your ass to Los Angeles, where it’s all going down, and of course you can’t, cause you don’t have a job, which is why you’re looking for work in the first place, and that means you don’t have the money for a plane ticket to LA, or a hotel room once you get here, or even the $120 it takes to get your AIM test.

Do you really want your mom and dad to know you’re a Porn Whore? What about your boyfriend? Your neighbors? Cause no matter how sneaky you think you are, you aren’t.

If you’re still determined to be The Next Jenna, wait til you get booked with Dirty Harry!

Is it obvious I’m having a bad day? And I’m not even talent! Remember, I’m The Nice Porno Director. What if I was an asshole and ranted and raved a whole lot?

Things would be even more difficult. Which is why I blog.

Our Porn Whore today didn’t like big dick. “Why did you take the job?” I asked her. Why the fuck are you even in porn, I wanted to ask her.

This is a rhetorical question, of course. She took the job for the money…whether or not she had any plans of doing her job well.

Porn Whore was a sneaky bitch, too…and I hate sneaky bitches. I hate girls who are sneaky bitches, and I hate boys who are sneaky bitches. Today’s sneaky bitch figured out that if she shifts the angle of her pelvis — even the slightest of shifts — male talent can’t pound her effectively.

You might not know this working with your 5 incher, but add about 5 more, start long stroking your girl, and see what happens when she shifts ever so slightly.

Wood killer.

Wood Killah.

Ghost-Faced Wood-Yi Killah, Yo.

“Honey, if you don’t want them to pound you hard, instead of doing that funky-ass shit with your hips, how about tell them something like you’re used to small white dick and that they’ll have to take it easy with their big black ones? That will be their top-secret code word for taking it easy on your snatch.”

“I wasn’t doing anything funky!”

Uh huh, I told her, and kept the camera rolling.

And later she wants to know, “where’s the pop shot gonna be?”

“All over your face, hun.”

She looked up at the male talent and said, “Don’t get any in my —”

I stopped her before she could finish. “Nope. I mean they’ll try to miss your eyes, but we all know there’s no guarantees when it comes to blowin’ the load. Right?!”

I said right more like a declarative than an interrogative.

“I’m wearing my contacts!”

“Go take them out. We’ll wait.”

“But it hurts when I get cum in my eyes.”

“Maybe this biz isn’t for you. How long have you been doing it?”

“Seven years.”

I sighed, and she made no moves to go remove them, and that, of course, means she’s not wearing contacts. Sneaky bitch.

Which meant I had no problem giving my male talent The Secret Signal.

The Secret Signal means to blow directly into the face — all willy-nilly — and let the jizz land where ever it’s destined to land.

And once they found their wood, they did.

So please, everyone…stop e-mailing me asking for work. I have none for you. And before you get your panties all up in a bunch, ask yourself this: ever wonder why the same 7 dudes have been in porno since you starting watching it?

Ever wonder why the girl you blew your load to yesterday is no where to be found today?

Time for me to walk the dog…and take a few deep breaths along the way.