Fry’s Electronics rules — especially if you’re a dude and have compulsive spending habits and desire gadgets and other assorted bullshit you don’t really need, but think you do. Fry’s stores are enormous, too; in fact they’re so big I can’t think of a single retail store as big as a Fry’s. I think they’re bigger than Best Buy, and Michael’s, and Border’s, and all that other corporate swill Americans have come to know so well.

I like Fry’s way better than the rest, and I hate corporate swill. But Fry’s isn’t as slick as you’d know over-sized retail outlets to be. I can’t explain it any other way. You’d know what I’m talking about if you’ve been. Maybe another way to describe it is all the weird shit in there to buy (most of it near the check-out lanes) where Super Savvy Marketing Gurus have turned the a check-out lane into a compulsive buyer’s nightmare — or wet dream…depending on any number of factors.

If you don’t have a Fry’s Electronics in your city, I’d petition your local congressman immediately, or do whatever it is you need to do to score one.

Love Fry’s or Hate Fry’s — there is no in between.

I bring this all up cause I went today, and just like Costco, whenever you walk into Fry’s, you can’t walk out without spending stoopid amounts of money. Way more than you think you’re spending. Today was no exception: I recently talked myself into buying a Portable DVD player, and where else to buy one but Fry’s? If you’re getting a portable DVD player, better buck up and buy some DVD’s, too.

Fry’s has the greatest selection of DVD’s I’ve ever seen. It’s super cool, too, cause they carry adult titles! Best Buy and Circuit City and all the rest of them are big hairy pussies for not doing so, but Fry’s? What a choice selection o’ smut!

I haven’t paid for porn in God knows how long, but today I did. And I did cause of a lurid cover and a great title: Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go. (Other titles I’ve scored in the past include just about all my Criterion Collection, a super duper weird Robert Rauschenberg arty-farty fag thing that’s completely and wholly unwatchable, and various collections of my latest new obsession: Dick Cavett.

Kung Fu Nurses A Go-Go in the same corporate-run store (and almost the same aisle!) as Dick Cavett: Rock Icons? See what I mean about Fry’s?

After watching the former, I’ve decided it’s time for me to step up to the plate and make a movie. With a script. And a plot. Oh, what pressure to place upon one’s self!

First and foremost will be the very most important factor to consider: To Stroke or Not?

See, if this is gonna be a stroke film, it can never be art, and I’m not even so sure I wanna be an artist or not. I think I just wanna make a movie. And I know how to make stroke scenes, cause that’s all I’ve been doing for the last 5 years of my life. So what not take five of them in a row and sprinkle in some hip dialog and a few sneaky, cheap, dirty special effects? Like some scratchy stuff over the movie, and make portions Black & White — like some dream sequences!

I wanna be Eon McKai!

I’m so excited right now I can barely contain myself! I want to call Gia Paloma and ask her all about the movies she made with Rob Black! I want to start scouting locations and casting talent! And writing some cheezy porno dialog! Something’s telling me combine a catchy title with some barely-legal whores who can make their pussies squirt, an anal creampie, some bukkake, and toss in an enema or two!!

No, I wanna be John Waters meets Eon McKai with a dash of…a dash of…a dash of Russ Meyer for good measure!

All I gotta find now is my Edith Massey.