So says the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). They just ran some sort of study that says “One in four teenage girls in the United States has a sexually-transmitted disease”. The CDC brags that the study is “the first in its kind to examine the prevalence of common sexually transmitted diseases among adolescent girls”. So let’s face it: a quarter of teen girlies are, in fact, dirty, filthy whores.

No, wait.

They’re dirty, filthy sluts…cause I’m sure almost all of them don’t charge for hitting the puss; however, any that do charge for it are way smarter than the ones giving it away for free.

HPV was the most common STD of the lot, followed by chlamydia, trichomoniasis, and herpes. I grabbed a pic of those fantastic purple and yellow dots outlined in the pretty Easter egg blue.

HPV’s are pretty!

Apparently, black girls are the dirtiest of them all, as half of them have Stank Puss. White girls and Latinas don’t even run a close second, unless you combine them. Does this tell us anything about our society?

Does this tell us anything at all?

Here’s where it gets even more disturbing: “Analysts say some doctors are also reluctant to discuss screening with teenage patients because of confidentiality concerns, knowing parents would have to be told of the results.”

Hey, that’s a comma splice! When I was a teacher, I’d deduct 5 points from that AP writer’s paper due to an error in punctuation.

When I was at ASU a girl gave me chlamydia, but that makes sense, cause she went to school at The U of A (our arch rivals). She was a dirty Wildcat, and I was a clean Sun Devil. It’s so easy to blame anything on anyone from Tucson.

No, wait. Let’s Blame It On Yoko.

Better yet, let’s blame it all on Bush and the retards he’s hired to tout Abstinence Only Programs and making sex something dirty that’s difficult to talk about. Let’s blame it on the retards at the local level — from your high school Principals to the people who get together in groups on pray on Sundays and then afterward pat themselves on the back and call themselves “good”.

Did I ever tell you about a girl I banged named Nancy who gave me The Crabs?

I grabbed a pic of those ugly, six-legged critters, and they may be ugly, but unlike HPV, crabs are fun! I was actually on the phone with Nancy when I discovered a few of them playing a game of tag in my undies. They were chasing each other, and it got so wild I had to do a pube check while on the phone with her. My balls were very itchy, and I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on. That’s when I discovered my pubic lice.

First thing I did was tell Nancy I had to hang up. I didn’t tell her why. I just hung up. And then I screamed.

Just then my pal Mike called. My brain was in the middle of a melt-down when he said, “hey dude, I gotta tell you two things.”

I don’t think I even answered him.

“I’m banging Nancy. I know you guys are kinda hanging out, so I thought I’d tell you.”

“Uh huh,” I replied, watching the crabs do a dance around my limp wiener, almost like a lost tribe of pygmies dancing around a tiny Totem Pole.

“And I think she gave me crabs.”

That’s how I knew it was Nancy.

But maybe Mike gave them to Nancy and Nancy gave them to me?

Does it really even matter? Cause all you gotta do when you get a case of the crabs is spend about 10 bucks on some shampoo at Your Local Corporate Drug Store, and they vanish in minutes. Then, when you peel off your tighty-whiteys a bit later, all that’s left is a pile of dead crabs near the skid marks in your undies.

That’s not 1/2 as bad as the clap, which I’ve never got, but I’ve heard all sorts of horror stories about….mainly that green goop runs out your pee hole and the shot hurts like a motherfucker.

10 bucks, embarrassing yourself at the check out stand at the drug store…or green goop, a shot, and embarrassing yourself at the doc’s office.

I choose crabs; hence, crabs are fun! In fact they make me kinda giggle now. In a silly sorta way!

Some people think porn stars are dirty. In almost 6 years of hanging around — and occasionally having sex with some of them — I’ve yet to catch anything from anyone. Which is a really dumb thing to say, cause with my luck, any day now my ween will turn green and fall off.