Fuck me, I’m exhausted. I started at 9 this morning, and it’s quarter to 11; I just wolfed down my dinner (one of those Carl Jr. burgers without the bun, marketed directly to the Dr. Aktins freaks, along with some onion rings, a diet Coke, and a yummy Carl’s Jr. chocolate cake – the one with just a dab o’ vanilla icing on top) and now it’s time to write.

And why not talk about my day?

You know, I’ve been resisting any and all temptations to talk about Erin Moore and her alter-ego, Ruth Blackwell, just cause the site isn’t launched yet. And I won’t spill a lot of the beans about the site anytime soon, but a little something won’t hurt, right? Cause Ruth was my 11 am shoot this morning – the first of the day – and I teamed her up with Kori Kreams, a brand new porno chick who’s shot about 5 scenes. Kori’s so new she doesn’t know to look into the camera while she’s being fucked, and she giggles at everything that supposed to be sexy (cause she’s nervous) and but she got big ol’ DD fun bags, so why not book her?

Today’s male talent: Brian Pumper.

A lot of people bag on Pumper, and it’s not hard to see why. I won’t go into details now, but lately Pumper’s come around, and it’s made me book him more and more. One thing about Pumper – you can count on his dick staying hard from start to end, he’ll do almost anything you ask, and he’s such a perv it simply adds to the overall perv factor for any scene. Plus, he’s always been polite to me, so why not book him?

Around 10 this morning, as I’m finishing up my coffee, my phone rings, and it’s an 800 number. So I think about any bills I haven’t paid lately, and my student loan comes to mind, so I don’t answer.

And after it stops ringing, my phone rings again, with the same 800 number. I answer, and a computer generated voice of a lady says there’s someone on the phone from the Los Angeles County Jail that would like to speak with me…and her voice cuts out and I hear Brian Pumper identify himself. Computer lady comes back on and asks me to push 3 to accept the charge, and 9 to decline.

Maybe it was 9 to accept and 3 to decline.

I think hard and long. Do I want to accept, listen to what he has to say, and possibly be asked to post his bail? Or do I press the number that will make him go away for the time being?

I accept. Of course I accept. It’s the kind of guy I am, for real. If you got tossed in the slam and called, I’d probably accept your call, too.

But there’s a problem. Computer Lady knows it’s a cell when I press the magic button, and she says to me I can’t accept a collect call from my cell, and she hangs up midsentence.

Now what? I need my scene, and honestly, I need to at least get word to Pumper’s people he’s locked down. So I do both – Ace is my go-to man, and I call Pump’s crew up and let them know where their man is.

Ace is my main man, lately, for a few reasons. He’s a good guy to have around, he doesn’t bug anyone, he’s packing a whole bunch of heat, and he can fuck and talk at the same time. All you really need to be a male porn star, really.

Did I mention Cherry Poppens has been my production assistant lately? I think so…although I kinda had to fire her last week. She flaked on a work day, like most porno girls do…so I was pissed for a few days, but I’m over it.

The few days I was pissed my man Faceblaster stepped in, and he’s a good PA too, cause he can hold a light as well as blast about a gallon of sperm in a girlie’s face if need be.

But Cherry’s good, too, cause she can hold a light as well as bend over and take a blast to the face, again, if need be.

So I’m covered lately on PA’s.

I feel like I’m rambling, and I think I am…so maybe it’s time to wind down. I mean I could go on and on…about the guys behind the studio, building a brand new apartment comlex, and their pounding and pounding and poudning nails all day long…or the wind storm that made something tick on my ceiling right after the carpenters quit pounding, forcing me to climb up on to the roof and make it stop, or Katie Thomas, and her crazy bullshit. Or the ManoJob scene I shot with Cherry Poppens.

But I’ll wind down. Really, I will.

Around 5 pm my phone rings, and it’s Pumper, and he’s telling me how sorry he is, but a long time ago some dude stole his wallet, and it seems this same dude like to rob people as a living, cause he recently was almost nabbed robbing someone else, and somehow the cops thought Pumper was their man cause when he stole Pumper’s wallet, he stole his identity, but it was the ID thief that was trying to rob whoever whenever, and once the cops figured out Pumper and this dude were, in fact, two different people, they let Pumper go.

Did that make sense?

Plus, according to Pumper, he kept telling the cops, over and over, I am Brian Pumper! Adult Film Star!! and sure enough, a few cops recognized him, and that hurried the Freedom Process up a bit. Good thing for me, cause I need him Friday. He’s going to pound the living daylights out of Ruth Blackwell and Alexa Lynn.

Well, if he doesn’t get arrested again.