Makenzie stopped by the other day. I was feeling a bit tense, so she gave me a massage. It was a great massage. I even paid for a Happy Ending. Afterwards, I thought why should I pay anyone for sex? Well, not anyone, but certainly anyone in my business, cause I can generate upwards of 3,000 dollars of work for them in a single day, depending on what they’ll do. Shit, these silly whores should be offering me sex all the time. Gratis. They should be calling me just to say HI and see how I’m doing. They should be stopping by, out of the blue, just to see if there’s anything I need. With an iced venti something-or-other in their hand and a smile on their face. Or at 2 am, after they’ve been drinking, for a booty call. That’s right, all you porno bee-yatches: booty call my fat ass. Maybe then you’ll be able to pay your rent on time when the first rolls around.

OK…I take that all back. Sorry.

I was lurking around Hipinion the other day, cause it’s one of my favorite places to lurk, and I found something very cool. Then, I found out whoever’s posting these pics is either into porn, or loves it. Then, Sophia! (You know I shot her first gangbang?) Angela Stone! (with some dude I don’t know…man, did she give me a great Eat Some Ass scene.) James Deen! (boy, did he fuck the shit out of Riley Mason for me).

And then I found a pic of The Biggest Dork in the History of Porn!

My UPS package came today, and with the 4 discs inside, I think my Miles Davis fix is complete: Workin’, Steamin’, Relaxin’, and Cookin’. I dunno if you listen to jazz (probably not) but, along with Kind of Blue, I think these records make up Miles’s Top 5. (Kind of Blue might be my favorite thing ever made). I love these reissues cause they’re fairly inexpensive, and they’re all 180 gram bad boys – virgin vinyl!! – and I can’t wait to be done with this so I can get to my record player.

My dog Maggie stinks. Really bad. She’s a Golden, and it’s starting to warm up here, so she jumps in the pool, and after she’s dried off, it smells like she’s been rolling in poo. Maybe she has been.

My other dog, Dakota, is a bad boy.

I just got a new bed. It’s one of those Tempur-pedic knock-offs. I mean I coulda gone for the Tempur, but I really liked what I ended up with better. I’m still not sleeping through the night, but at least I’m not sore when I wake up.

Speaking of my fat ass, while I was cleaning up after my Happy Ending, Makenzie said I had “man boobs”. Fuck. Like I need her to tell me that. When I was her age, I had pecs. Now I have man boobs. I wanted to say something like “wait till you’re my age, silly girl.” But she’s a runner, and she eats really healthy, and she’s like 95 pounds, and when she’s 42 she’ll weigh maybe 98 pounds, so I really couldn’t say much. I wish she smoked, and did drugs, and drank a lot, like all the other porn girls do.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Batman. Then, the Incredible Hulk. Then (briefly) Spiderman (we had a Spidey club in 5th grade). Then Daredevil, cause to me, Daredevil made the most sense. I always thought Superman was gay, cause you had to be one stupid fuck not to see Clark Kent was Superman…but the Daredevil! Who can kick ass when they’re blind? The Daredevil. Then, in 7th and 8th grade, I wanted to be Tony Alva. We even built a half-pipe in my neighbor’s drive-way! In high school it was Al Fuerbach, then Brian Oldfield, then, about the time I graduated high school, I didn’t want to be anyone at all except me.

I’m OK being me. Man boobs and all.