I love looking at my traffic stats. It’s not like I have a lot of traffic, but I get some. And my nifty software can trace what people type into a search engine – Google being the most popular by far – and end up here, at my blog. The top search engine terms for my blog are obvious: “Jasmine Tame” and “Riley Mason” and “Spring Thomas” and “Julia Bond“.

It’s the one-and-two hit search engine terms that crack me up. And I mean exactly that…the following 20 terms, shown here verbatim, were typed into one of the major search engines. What the fuck? I wonder how Google even sends these folks my way! I mean honestly, check some of these out, (and imagine some fat, horny old man, drunk off his ass at 3 in the morning (on a Tuesday) looking for some of this shit):

1) “18 year old bunny the cheerleader fucking wesley pipes” – well, this one kinda makes sense. I’ve never heard of “Bunny the Cheerleader”, but I know Wesley Pipes very well, and I remember blogging about Paige Morgan, the North American Snow Bunny, so…like I said, this one makes sense. Kinda, anyway.

2) “how to make her cum with your hand” – Poor guy. Can’t get his chick off, and he’s scouring the web in order to make the little Missus happy. Here’s a little trick I learned from haning around porno folks: insert two fingers, the middle and fourth finger, into the vagina, push up (lightly) towards her belly button, and turn both fingers in a circular motion. Add some stimulus to her clit with your thumb, and she should be one happy camper.

3) “sex sex sex sex sex porn porn porn porn porn porn” – that’s right. That’s exactly what some dope typed into Google. If “sex” and “porn” wasn’t enough, he did it another 4 times each.

4) “hiding things in my pussy” – Um, ok. Like what? Secret treasure? Or just a map to secret treasure? A gun? Something you’re not supposed to have, like a lighter on an airplane?

5) “the life of a porn camera man” – like anyone would want to know about this.

6) “dj. fingaz shake that shit julia bond” – Fingaz and Julia are in love. They love each other very much. They make a great couple. I have no idea why/what this foolio was looking for, exactly, when he typed this into Google, but there ya go. Fingaz and Julia are in love. They love each other very much.

7) “how to get a porn site started and get paid” – Don’t bother. There’s no money in internet porn. Really, there isn’t. Move on.

8) “big loads hot spunk gay flying” – What exactly is going on here? I mean I get the first parts…big loads, hot spunk. But gay flying? Like homos having sex in a plane? I dunno how to even comment.

9) “guys who like to get gang fucked up the ass for home made porn” – This one terrifies me.

10) “gay cholos and cholos having sex with guys” – God damn this guy is a genius. Why didn’t I come up with this one?? It should do very well as a paysite. Oh, wait a second. There’s no money in internet porn. Forget I even said this.

11) “is mandingo bigger than jack napier?” – Yes, but I’ve blogged this already.

12) “chico wang chinese actor” – How about that, Chico?! Could they be searching for one of your proteges, like Bejing Bang? Or Hung Lo? HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, by the way…I think I still owe you some money. Call me bro.

13) “shoot a load up her nose” – another internet genius.

14) “how much dick could a dicksucker suck if a dicksucker could suck dick” – I shit you not this one is real. Say it three times, real fast.

15) “riley mason is in alot of porn” – Yes, she is, and rightly so!

16) “apply to be a porno star” – Riggght. Like there’s an application even involved. Oh, and don’t forget your updated resume!

17) “pics of people having sex while scuba diving” – You know I’m PADI certified? I got certified in Maui, like a decade ago. It was fun. I saw a lot of things in the ocean. Some of them scared me. It was kind of weird breathing underwater, especially when you’re, like, 25 feet deep, and there’s big creatures very close to you. The very thing that NEVER crossed my mind once was having sex there.

18) “black midget lil pimp porno forum” – Lil’ Pimp, for those who don’t know, is a black midget. He’s also a porn star. He’s also credited in some movies as “Lil’ Pimp Hand”, a name I like much more. As you can see, he’s got a slightly bigger than average dick on a little bitty body. This, of course, makes his penis look gigantic. He’s been in a few dirty movies. That’s about all there is to say about him. How anyone could create a forum around Lil’ Pimp baffles me. But I’m easily confused. Perhaps it was Lil’ Pimp, searching himself?

19) “waxed ass finger cum.com” – Is there something here I haven’t heard about? Waxed Ass Finger might really be a great name for a punk rock band. Well, now that I think about it, probably not.

20) “jenna jameson being gang banged” – Puh-leaze. Shit, when Jenna was cool she didn’t do gang bangs. Now she’s just doing her goofy husband on film. Oh, and really hot chicks. But still…how fuckin’ lame is that?

Damn, just looking at my stats, I could go on and on. This might turn into a monthly thing for me. And no, really…I didn’t make any of these up. Again, I repeat: someone, somewhere, typed those exact phrases into a search engine and found my blog.

And just when I thought it didn’t get any wierder.