I made a decision when I started this blog: no shit talkin’. And in my biz, it’s so easy. I think it’s easy in general, too, but when I sat down and started I Shoot Porn that was my decision. Actually, the decision was if I’m gonna shit talk on anyone, it would be me.

So this rant isn’t about shit talkin’ Christian. No sir’ee. I just thought I’d convey a porno story to you guys, cause that’s why you’re here, right?

You might know Christian.

You might not.

He’s male talent (duh), and I hardly ever write about male talent, unless it’s my Brotha-from-anotha-Motha, The Minion.

That’s him in the pic, clutching Nicole Parks (remember her?!) when I shot them for Spunkmouth. It was the very first time I met Christian, which is, I think, happened four years ago.

Perhaps you know Christian from Christian Sings The Blues. If you’re not a reader, you should be, cause you love porn, and you love looking at pictures, so trust me when I tell ya to bookmark his most-excellent blog.

Perhaps you know his (off-camera) girlfriend, the very beautiful, very charming (and I mean this) Phoenix Marie. Phoenix is brilliant. Really, she is. I got to shoot her right outta the blocks, which is to say I shot her second or third or fourth scene…I dunno which. I thought it was for Ruth Blackwell, but now I don’t remember. I do remember our trip to the gloryhole together! I’ve seen her around a few times, and she’s always very friendly.

Anyways, I don’t use Christian a whole bunch, and really just for one reason. He’s kind of a big shot, which is to say he shoots a lot for big-time companies, and usually, when I need white male talent for my projects, it’s like a Manojob — or a quick scene with a dick sucker.

In my world, these are all relatively low-paying jobs, and Christian’s kinda out of that league, which isn’t to say the guys who take my handjob and blowjob work aren’t top-notch guys…they are. But since they take my jobs, when another one comes up I go to them first and offer them another, and unless they turn it down, I really don’t need to look elsewhere.

Here’s the other thing about Christian. He’s got a fairly extensive “No List”.

Just like it sounds, in my biz there are girl who won’t work with certain dudes (fairly common), and dudes who won’t work with certain chicks (far less common), and Christian’s name pops up on a lot of No Lists.

Why?

Well, this is the tricky part. If I tell you, then it might sound like I’m shit talkin’…but what I’m about to tell you isn’t Top Secret Shit — in fact, in my world, it’s common knowledge: Christian loves to work with Chicks with Dicks.

Another way to say it is he’s a tranny fucker.

I think.

I dunno if he bottoms ever…but that really doesn’t matter.

Not to me.

In fact, none of this matters to me. Not one fucking bit. It also doesn’t matter to me that Once Upon A Time Christian was a contract boy for Falcon (or maybe it was Honcho, or Blue Boy, or Randy Blue, or Matrix.) All gay porn, and, again, not one fact that influences my hiring criterion.

Here’s why I hire dudes:

1) They’ve got a clean test.

2) They show up on time.

3) They’re friendly and co-operative on my set…which is to say they can take direction.

4) They can blow a load when it’s that time.

5) They respect the female talents’ do’s and don’ts.

Let’s see. That’s about it.

Oh sure, dick size is important, but what I’ve discovered is that dudes with big dicks are, usually, big dicks themselves. For the most part.

And I hate to break the news to ya, but if I quit hiring dudes that were 100% straight…which is to say that off-camera (or even on) they weren’t blowing other dudes, or topping other dudes, or being power bottoms…well, there wouldn’t be much of a talent pool for me to choose from.

I’d say 80 to 90% of the male talent in my business are bi-sexual.

Big whoop.

On to something that matters: I wanted to work with Christian again, and a job came up, and I really don’t wanna get into it here, but he totally and completely violated Rule Three (see above) in as much as he took some pictures for his blog when I specifically asked him not to. I’d also like to point out that Christian kicks ass on my other rules…but his desire to make his blog complete made my bosses very upset with me, and I can’t have that.

The result: Double Secret Probation.

Remember when Dean Wormer put the entire Delta House on Double Secret Probation? Who knows what it meant, exactly…but Brother Bluto, and Brother Pinto, and Brother Flounder, along with D-Day, and Otter and everyone else in the frat house had been placed on Double Secret Probation…and they didn’t even know it.

So when Christian kept texting me, over and over, looking for work, I’d say nice things like “when I have something I’ll let ya know!” or — most of the time — I wouldn’t reply to him at all.

Until he got kinda pissy about it.

Let me back up one sec here. I get anywhere from 1 to 10 text messages a day, and, in the end, they’re all the same: got any work for me?

The girls always start out nice, like, hi babe! how are you? i sure do miss you! we should hang out sometime! and then they ask for work.

The dudes usually get right to the point.

So when I didn’t answer Christian, he finally blew his stack at me, and that’s about when I decided to take him off Double Secret Probation.

That didn’t mean I hired him. It just meant if a job came up and I needed a white dude and my regulars weren’t available I’d ask Christian.

This all went down a few months ago…until I got this text message a few days ago:

So, moving forward, its pointless for me to ask u if u ever need me, correct? I don’t want to spin my wheels if I am just bothering u

To which I replied something like “Happy Holidays my friend!” cause it was the day before (or after) Christmas, and I hoped it would end there.

It didn’t. After some pleasantries exchanged, it went downhill…fucking fast. And it ended with me txt’ing him, — for the 1,247 time — that if I had a job I could use him for, I’d let him know.

Understood. I will stop asking u

and then

That’s just disappointing

and then

I have known u for 4 years now, consider u a friend, u know I am a reliable workhorse, and u used me a total of 3 times this year and yell at me for asking

and then

I don’t care about my rate or who it is, I just like to work, and I would rather work for people I like being around.

All this totally made me feel bad. Cause he’s right. He’s reliable, and I like Christian, and I like being around him, so after I got off the phone with My Main Most Man Kevin Kline at Type 9, I called Christian, and I got his voice mail, so I left a message. It went something like Hey dude! I’ve got a Manojob for ya. I know it’s not much, but it’ll be quick, and the girls really cute. It’s tomorrow!

To which he hasn’t replied…at all. No return call. No text message. Nothing.

And the scene went down, so when I told Adrianna Nicole this Tale O’ Woe, she said, “he’s in San Antonio.”

I asked, “How do you know that?”

“I read his blog. But still, you left him a voice mail. He should have had at least called you back and told you he couldn’t do it.”

She’s right.

Which means only one thing: Triple Secret Probation.

Like its predecessor, I have no idea what that means, exactly…nor how long it will last.

Just then Adrianna turned left on to Vermont, and we made our way up to our very favorite Chinese restaurant for a cup of sizzling rice soup, and then some fresh, baked fish with ginger scallions over brown rice.