From time to time I’m going to have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.

I think The Minion is the best-kept secret west of the Inland Empire…you know: all the lovely places that make up San Bernadino and Riverside county. I remember a porn whore once telling me she’d make regular trips to Riverside to score meth. Anyway, today The Minion defines, outlines, and comments upon The Suitcase Pimp.

Imagine you are a porn director and the following has fallen into place nicely: The female talent is locked in as is the male talent, the location is ready, your set is stocked to capacity with enemas and douches.

All of a sudden the whore shows up with her boyfriend/husband and you think that they are just dropping her off. However, the chick tells you that they are adamant about their suitcase pimp being on set.

A “Suitcase pimp” is a guy whose porn girlfriend/wife supports him, and all he has to do is make sure she gets to her sets with the necessary items. So she tells you he must be on set for whatever godforskaen reasons.

One of the first things you learn in porn is, “It’s a director’s set.” Whatever the director says goes.

So your faced with this dilemma of possibly having one extra person on set when it’s not needed. You have to understand how frustrating it is to film a whore getting fucked and then suddely having her eyes wander off to her man who is a few feet away. It takes away from the scene and is irritating as fuck. Take into consideration that most cameras are sensitive as fuck and most noises will be picked up by the mic. So then again, the possibility that it will pick up a slight cough or cell phone going off is greater.

In hindsight, I envy and fell bad for these guys at the same time.

I’m envious because their meal tickets are the whores we yank our meat to.

I feel sorry for them because they can’t seem to land a legit job and are doomed to a life or making sure their woman’s bag is packed with enemas, douches, and their current AIM test.

So make yourself useful and do a Starbucks run for us all.

(I’d like to follow up on The Minion’s wise words: I think he’s described the “newbie” Suitcase Pimp perfectly; there are other, more seasoned suitcase pimps, who have become, for lack of a better word, Stay At Home Suitcase Pimps. They’re kinda like the Mr. Moms for the Suitcase Pimp world. Wisened to the bone, they clean, and cook, and wait around for their Bread Winner to come home, usually while maintaining some sort of “freelance” job.)