You probably know all this, but the mushrooms I’ve seen here on the store shelves (“Smart Stores”) earn a four star rating for various highs: euphoria, visual, energy, body high and brain high. Not that I’m into mushrooms; in fact, I’ve eaten them only on two occasions — both times being so long ago I won’t even mention it, except to say the second time I was at the movies catching Who Framed Roger Rabbit while it was still in theaters. And the first time was a couple years (or so) earlier, and this time we were at a buddy’s house watching The Grateful Dead Movie on Betamax.

That’s right — Betamax.

We ate them with apple pie a la mode. That is we had apple pie, some vanilla ice cream, and a handful of fresh mushrooms — all slimy and gray. They tasted like shit, but that’s why we had the tasty desert chaser. I hated the Dead then, too. But I sure loved them high on ‘shrooms. Especially the opening cartoon where the skeleton dude is riding the chopper and he busts right in on “US Blues.” I kinda like a few of the Dead records now…only as long as I don’t think about Dead Heads and all the hullabaloo that surrounds them. Just put on Live From The Mars Hotel and listen to the music and don’t think about anything else. No fucking dancing Jerry Bears. No hippies in tye-dye frying on acid in their VW buses while trying to sell enough of their bullshit trinkets to make it to the next show.

I was quite certain Who Framed Roger Rabbit was the greatest film ever created the night we gobbled down a couple handfuls of freeze-dried mushrooms. There was a large group of us, and I remember my pal Ben The Used Record Salesman had scored an enormous bag full of them. We ate a handful a piece, then walked into the theater. Soon I was laughing so hard nothing came out. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. After a while I was afraid I was going to pass out and maybe even suffocate on my own guffaws. To make matters worse, The Meat Puppets had shown up, cause they hung out with some of the people who made up our group. I certainly wasn’t friends with them, but we were friendly. This is when the Puppets were good, and I idolized them, and I was worried I was spoiling the movie for my heroes — as well as making a complete asshole out of myself. When I could control myself, all I could think was I am The Town Idiot, and I might as well be in a medieval castle, cause pretty soon these dudes are gonna start throwing food at me. But I wasn’t the only jester; the whole row was high, and they were laughing as hard and as loud, so that made things somewhat better. Except one of our pals couldn’t handle it, and he fled the theater; a few hours later we found him hidden between two cars in the parking lot, in tears, and waiting for his wife to come get him…although he wasn’t sure if he called her or not. (He hadn’t).

I rate both the fresh ‘shrooms and the freeze dried ones 4 out of 4 stars for euphoria, visuals, as well as the brain high. I’d go 3 out of 4 on the body high, and 2 on the energy.

At least that’s what I can remember.

I’d rate this week’s update with my pal Mr. POV and Aurora Snow 4 out of 4 stars for euphoria, visuals, brain and body high, while a 1 out of 4 for energy — cause after you watch it you’ll be drained.

How about that for a shameless porno plug?

Oh yea, I went to the Van Gogh Museum today, and I could go on and on about how great Vincent’s story is (even though his story has turned into a cliché, but that doesn’t make it any less of a story), and how standing in front of all those masterpieces that I’ve never seen (I don’t think they travel outside of the museum) made me feel small and insignificant…but I decided to tell you the ‘shroom stories instead.

And plug Mr. POV.