CC writes:

Hey Mr. Watson (can I call you Billy?),

My name is CC. I’m a normal 29 year old guy living in Portland. Just wanted to drop a line and tell you I enjoyed browsing around your blog and websites. Even though it’s as hardcore pornographic and smutty as anything, I appreciate the sense of realness, intelligence, and humor (not to mention good grammar) in your work.

I was led to your blog when googling about penis size (I’m a little OCD about it although I’m aware of most of the “facts” and studies, etc.), and found your blog entry on the subject from March 2009. It was very insightful. Hope this isn’t TMI (I mean you do shoot porn after all), but being 5′ 4″ and Asian-American, I’m a smaller guy, maxing out at approx 5.5″ length X 4.75″ girth if I depress away that fat in that area. I have to say you look bigger than 6″ on camera, but I know lights, angles, and lenses all play a part in that). Anyway, your frankness about the subject, plus the fact that you have convincingly hot sex with beautiful porn stars (as well as owning up to the fact that you pay them) on your Mr. POV site, is inspiring for a person like me that hasn’t had sex for years, gets down on their physical attributes sometimes, and sometimes gets discouraged, albeit turned on by the massive penises fucking tiny women in most commercial porn. I’m sure you have your problems and ups and downs, have to pay bills and taxes like everyone else, but your life is seems pretty bitchin looking in from the outside.

I was also motivated to write because you are a fan of Wilco and Jeff Tweedy. I’ve been a huge Wilco fan for several years now, and I still love them, although I think their album quality has dropped off some since A Ghost Is Born. The string of Being There, Summerteeth, YHF, and AGIB is one of the most consistently innovative, creative, and emotionally resonant collection of tunes in all of rock history. I saw Tweedy solo acoustic at the McDonald Theater in Eugene right after I moved to Portland, and it the best “intimate” show I’ve ever seen. He even played “Far, Far Away” when I yelled it out from the crowd. I agree with you that Wilco is at it’s peak with the live show; my only beef with them is that I miss Tweedy’s more cryptic, image invoking lyrics since he’s decided to go in a more straightforward direction with his writing.

Couple questions. Do you play an instrument or write music and do you draw those comic characters of yourself on the websites? I put in a myspace friend request to you profile, and I’ll be checking out your blog (and porn) from time to time. If you’re on facebook, I have a profile at (link deleted) if you want to add me.

CC
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Hey CC!

Whenever I eat my morning muffin, I probably do what you do: pull the top off and save it for last. I also put on raw sugar in my latte, and then lightly sprinkle on on the top of the (still hot) foam. This kinda makes for a sugary, Crème brûlée experience.

No Way Am I Gay.

It’s 2010! I’m watching/listening to Elvis Costello and The Imposters – Live In Memphis on palladia. I highly recommend palladia, just as I highly recommend each and every Wilco release — for their strengths and weaknesses. The only Wilco record I liked immediately was Being There. I hated Summerteeth when I first heard it, as well as A.M. and Sky Blue Sky. YHF was OK on my first take, as well as A Ghost is Born. I’m still working on Wilco (The Album). Finally, I have no problem with the live Kicking Television, although it seems to be the most-frowned upon official WIlco release.

I sometimes fantasize about playing lead guitar in a famous rock band; however, I don’t play any instrument.

I sometimes fantasize about being an artist; however, I can’t draw or paint.

Thank you, CC, for noting my grammar and punctuation skills. Let’s call these The Skills to Pay The Bills. No one really wants to admit it, but proper grammar and punctuation go a very, very long way. It’s a dead art, too, with all the text messages and IM’ing we do nowadays. Wanna hear a secret? I didn’t really know (or care) too much about punctuation and grammar until I had to teach it. It took me a semester or two to really get it down, and even now I fuck up from time to time. I don’t have an editor, though, so there’s my excuse.

(Wanna hear another secret? Once upon a time, Yours Truly headed up a Human Resources department for a very small stock brokerage firm, and I took an evil delight in posting resumés loaded with poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation right in the break room; the brokers enjoyed that entertainment even more than I. Think about that next time you rush through a resumé and hand it in to get The Job. (And if you’re silly enough to think Bill Gates’s software can discover all of your spelling and grammar errors, then you deserve what you get.))

My very favorite piece of punctuation would have to be the hyphen (–). I like the hyphen way more than its little cousin, the dash (-). I’m also a sucker for semi-colons and the ellipsis, although I kinda cheat the rule when it comes to an ellipsis…just like that. I like them to convey a sense that I’m pausing before I finish whatever silly thing I’m saying.

My very favorite piece of ass (lately) is Jackie Daniels…just to keep things hardcore pornographic and smutty around here. (Although Victoria Lawson — pictured here — is a close second).

Which is a perfect segue into my next thought: why are we so hung up on the size of our cocks? Or, more specifically, I wonder how many poor saps Google “penis enhancement” on an hourly basis? (Not that you’re a sap, CC. Well, I really don’t know you, but from your very kind e-mail I’d say you’re far from being a sap, sap-like, or sappy.)

We’re hung up on Wee-Wee Size for the same reason chicks are hung up on the size of their fun bags: the bigger, the better…right?

Listen to me, bro: quit wasting your time researching “the facts and studies, etc”. The Master of Sex, Dr. Kinsey, measured something like 10,000 peckers over the years, and he found they’re almost all 5 to 7 inches long…whether you’re white, black, yellow, or red. The Brothas are bigger when they’re flaccid (on average) but when it’s time for President Woodrow Wilson to make his entrance, odds are it’s 5 to 7 inches long.

How about all those silly penis synonyms?

By the way, I am not Mister POV; I simply own 1/2 of his site..

Imagine the line around the plastic surgeon’s office if you could get a functional 8 or 9-incher for 6 or 7K! (I’d be in the front of that line, just as I was at Amoeba to get my Beatles mono box). Poor dudes would be pawning every single one of their possession to get one. Rich dudes would be packing 12 or 13.

Dicks ain’t boobs, though, and as it sits right now I’ll take my wholly average 6-inch ween over an 8 incher that looks like it came off Frankenstein’s monster…cause if you’ve ever seen a surgically-enhanced pecker, you’d know what I mean.

Which is to say a little bit of confidence and a whole lot of pussy eating go a long way.

And go buy yourself the Hitachi Magic Wand and stick it in the drawer next to your bed; think of it as your insurance policy.

A cheap one at that.

Your pal — Billy