Who knows.
Who really cares.
Well, that’s kinda harsh. Some of you care. I care cause one of my Porno Pals — Eric Swiss, AKA “Swiss Balls” — won best actor for his role in Not Married With Children. Some more of my Porno Pals won, too:
Best Double Penetration Sex Scene
Bobbi Starr & Dana DeArmond’s Insatiable Voyage
Best New Web Starlet
Lexi Belle
MILF/Cougar Performer of the Year
Julia Ann
What’s better than learning some of my pals won awards? A phone call.
A Stunt Cock I hire just called to tell me he was walking the strip right after the award show when a super hot Vegas hooker hit him up. You know how to tell if they’re hookers, right? If not, next time you’re in Vegas, and you see a single woman walking down the strip or wandering around the casino, just make eye contact with her and smile. If she maintains eye contact with you, and then stops and says anything at all, she’s working.
Always remember this, and don’t fool yourself. You’re not all that. Just cause she’s making small talk doesn’t mean you’re Brad Pitt; it means her pussy is for sale.
But all pussy costs something, right?
Anyway, my buddy struck up a conversation and eventually asked her, “How much do you charge?”
“It starts at $500 for a hand job.”
My buddy was totally blown away, and he got kinda pissed. “$500 dollars! For a hand job! Holy crap! No hand job is worth that kind of money!”
She then told him, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” she said, smiling, “I own those. And I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth $500.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. This dude gets work a lot, so why the fuck would he pay $500 for a handie?
“What the hell, Billy! You only live once. So I gave it a try.”
You realize most of the male talent in this biz are sex addicts? So what. I’m pretty sure 90% of the dudes walking the face of the Earth are, too. Anyway, they went back to his room at The Venetian. Twenty minutes later he told me he was sitting on the bed, realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of the five hundred he paid. He was so amazed, he asked, “I suppose a blow job is $1,000?”
“$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow job!”
She said, “step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
My buddy, still sitting there in total disbelief over the hand job, said, “Sign me up, but let’s go down and gamble a bit and then come up and go for round two.”
They go down and play craps and he hits the casino for the cost of the BJ — and some more. And three hours after the mind-blowing hand job, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it. Top BJ of his life — and he’s been a stunt cock for almost 6 years. In fact, it’s better than any porno BJ he’s ever gotten, so you know what’s coming next: “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker said, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas…laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
My buddy readies himself for the number. He knows it’s gonna be big, so huge he just wanted to know so he could laugh about it later…but he never expected what was about to come out of her mouth.
“If I had a pussy, I’d own it all.”
…and no, Jackie Daniels has nothing to do with this tale. I just like the picture a whole bunch. This isn’t original material, either. But I liked it even more than the picture of Jackie Daniels, so much so I tweaked the original joke a bit and passed it off as my own. So don’t go hatin’, yo.
LOL
lol that shit was great
I read the whole thing thinking it was schwartzy pecker. . . I’m still not convinced it wasn’t!