I was talking to The Actor after dinner one night. We went to this Thai place on Vermont a few times, and he’d always flirt with the waitresses. I got a kick out of the way he’d flirt with them, in his broken Thai and big, cheezy smile. In addition to being a good actor, he was also pretty good at working the ladies. I never really had any interest, though, cause all he ever had interest in were Asians; I like ’em white.

Anyway, we’re sitting in the parking lot of my porno studio after dinner, and it was getting kind of late. And, as you can imagine, the neighborhood wasn’t the greatest. (What porno studio is in a good neighborhood?) And he’s telling some great stories.

I mean great ones.

I dunno if they’re the kind of stories that would interest you, but they kept my attention. Some of them were about actors he had worked with…some of whom that had been in Hollywood since the 40’s and 50’s. Some stories were about the real-life characters he had played in his movies. Some were about how he had pissed off directors and other actors off…and some of his stories had nothing to do with movies at all.

That’s when I brought up the memorabilia, cause I’m a geek-boy collector at heart.

“Hey, did you ever keep any of your movie props? Or clothes? Some of that shit is worth a lot.”

He never really did.

“You saved the vest, right? I mean that vest is gonna be iconic.” It might have been a silly thing to suggest, but with the billboard for the video game based on the movie looming right over us (really, it was…they put an ad on a billboard right in front of my place for the game), it seemed to make sense at the time. That’s when he confessed he had given it to an old ex, right after the movie was released.

“Holy shit no!” I exclaimed. “It’s not like that was Geronimo’s vest or something! You were the baddest bad ass in that movie!”

“Cochise,” he mumbled. Then, after a few seconds of hard thought, “You really don’t think it’s worth that much, do you?”

“Shit bro, did you see what John Travolta’s disco jumpsuit got at auction?”

I’m terrible. Really, I am. Cause I was just bustin’ his balls. Don’t get me wrong, though; I bet you could get a decent amount for the vest…but still. I was getting him all riled up more than anything else.

“Maybe I could find her after all these years and get it back,” he said, joking. We both laughed, and that’s when I noticed the three dudes approaching us. There were three of them, and I knew we were in trouble cause as they approached us, they broke up: one stayed on the street, one a few feet closer in the sidewalk, and the third walked right up to us and told The Actor, “Hey Holmes, gimme a dollar.”

My heart sank. I felt my knees get week. I had trouble thinking, and everything seemed to suddenly turn into slow motion.

Not so for The Actor. He maintained eye contact with The Dude and said, “Sorry pal…I don’t have any money.”

“Sure about that, Holmes?”

The Actor didn’t answer right away. “Oh wait…oh yes. I do have something. Let me get it out of the trunk.” He walked over to the trunk, and he kept his glare on The Dude, who was now back peddling and looking over at his friends. His demeanor changed, too. He was done being a nice guy.

“Shit! I thought I had it in the trunk! I know where it is! Just don’t move, cause I got something for you in my glove compartment. Gimme a sec while I grab it.” Then The Actor quickly glanced at me and said under his breath, “get in the fuckin’ car, Billy.”

Now The Three Dudes were standing together out in the street, looking at us. We jumped into the car, and The Actor started the engine, threw it into reverse, and almost ran them over as we sailed by. One of The Dudes held up his hand like he had a pistol and screamed something I couldn’t make out.

We drove around the blocks a couple times. “You got a gun?” I asked. “No,” he said. “Nothing good comes of them.” We talked about what just happened, and how lucky we were, and I thanked him for getting me out of a potentially life-threatening jam, and I complimented him on acting like a bad ass, especially after I acted like a big vagina. Then I realized I had left the door to my studio open. As in wide open. Which is a really dumb thing to do in any sort of neighborhood, let alone the one I was in.

This didn’t seem to bother The Actor one bit. “Shit, we’ll just have to go back and do a walk-through!” Which we did, and the whole time I dreaded it. The Actor seemed to enjoy himself.

After declaring it safe, The Actor reminded me again which Porno Princess he’d like to meet, then took off. I stayed up the whole night…worried The Three Dudes might just pop out from one of the 7500 square feet The Actor might have missed.