Samantha writes:

Dear Billy,

I am interested in shooting for your Spunk Mouth website. Here are some recent pics of me! You can post one of my pics on your blog. I can’t wait to read about what you think of me. Let me know if you want to set up a shoot with me. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kisses,
Samantha

Dear Samantha:

I’m not sure if you’re a fan of Howard Stern, but he does this thing where chicks go on to his show, nude-up, and ask Howard if they have what it takes to be in Playboy. Howard usually assembles a panel, too…which sometimes features Ralph, BaBa Booey, some of his other sidekicks, and celebrities, too; I saw Biship Don “Magic” Juan and Snoop Dogg commenting on naked girls once. The thing that makes this part of Hoaward’s show work is the brutal honesty of the panels input to the girl.

So, with that said, I’m going to be as brutally honest as I can, and I do it in respect, fairness, and trying to be as decent as possible. I mean no harm or ill will. I really, really appreciate your bravery…not everyone can just send naked pics to a stranger and ask for work in dirty movies. With that said…let’s go!

Your number 1 asset is your blonde hair. Well…and you’re cute, too. Really cute. Blondies are a favorite of most men, hands down. I prefer brunettes with blues eyes…however, when we slap a blondie on the front page of Spunkmouth, we get more sign-ups. That’s the good news. The bad news is your hips…they look pretty big. But so do your tits. And let’s take a closer look at those hips and ass.

Well yea, I’m right here. Your ass is pretty big. Now, don’t get me wrong…some dudes LOVE a big ass. Especially black guys! Are you gonna plan on doing interracial? Cause the brothas are gonna luv you! And since you’re blonde, I can book you for Blacks On Blondes right away…but I’d love to see you drop about 20. Let’s take a closer look at your face…and your tits.

Well. There’s no doubt about it. You’re cute. Really cute. Your boobs have a slightly odd shape to them, but nothing that would keep you from getting work. And it appears your eyebrows are blonde, too…are you natural? Does the carpet match the drapes? If so, I’d highly recommend you grow that pussy a bit to show off your natural blondeness!

Now on to your side shot:

Damn girl. Some more good things – no tats! Unless you’re hiding something (your hand is on your ass in one shot…maybe there’s a small tat?) But look at those hooker shoes! My weiner is stiff just looking at those!!! But see…you got a small love handle happening there, on your backside…by your arm.

My final assesment is as follows: you’re definately porn material. With a make-up artist and the right clothes, you can definately make a web surfer’s day and help him launch a few loads. You’re as hot as say…JOMG’s Dasha. But right now, you’re a $600 – $700 girl (for b/g sex scenes). Wanna be a $900 girl? Wanna be as hot as say Kelly Kline? Hit the gym. No more potatoes, pasta, or bread. Do the stairmaster. Yoga. Anything cardio. High reps/low weight if you wanna lift weights.

In 3-4 months, you’ll be smokin’ hot.

Please e-mail me back. Let’s get you in front of a camera soon.

Your pal, Billy.