When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records on one of those small turntables you’d get from the school’s A/V department, while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his favorite records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst of”…until now.

With all the Charlie Sheen hoopla right now, I thought I’d continue with some of my Bree Olson posts from a few years ago. Looking back at this Spunkmouth shoot, I gotta say Bree was a dirty girl back then — loaded with Tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA — and I’m sure she’s only gotten better with age…which is why she’s Charlie’s favorite.

I’ve got some more Bree blogs laying around, and since I’ve had absolutely nothing to say in a long time, I’ll just go ahead and post some “worst of’s” featuring Bree and the teeny tiny bit of time I spent with her.

This blog’s original air date: January 4, 2007.

Sure Bree’s one of my favorites for 2006 — but I never told you about the day I shot her for Spunkmouth.

I didn’t want to shoot a vanilla sex scene with Bree, cause, for some reason, I pictured her doing something hot, but without any full-blown sex going down. I knew I needed more than one (or even two) guys, and I knew I wanted something kooky to happen — kooky for lack of a better term.

That’s “kooky” with a “K”.

When it came time to choose wardrobe for the scene, I chose her nightie. I dunno why, but that struck me as kinda hot. See, you probably don’t know this, but the porno girls who make the circuit walk around with one of those suitcases-on-rollers, and, depending how long they’ve been in the game, it might be absolutely jam packed with sexy outfits. Here’s another fun fact — the porn girls who really have their shit together put each little bra-and-panty set into their own sealed zip lock baggy, so they can pull ’em out and show ’em to producers quickly. Having them in baggies means not having to hunt around, for, say, the matching panties once a producer has picked a bra for the girl to wear on set.

Anyways, I looked into Bree’s bag, went through some of her wardrobe, and her nighties caught my eye. Not cause they were hot, or sexy lingerie, or anything like that…but cause they were real. Which is to say when Bree goes to bed at night after a long day of making dirty movies, she slips into what you’re looking at in this picture.

In my book, that makes them fucking super hot.

I started thinking blow bang when I started thinking of Bree’s scene for Spunkmouth. What better way is there to give a gal a spunky mouth than having her blow a handful of dudes? Then I started thinking multi-ethnic blowbang. Call in a few brothas, a couple white dudes, as well as my main most man Rocker X.

I think I’ll talk a little about Rocker X. Not a lot, but a little. He’s this Asian cat with a 5 inch dick. He walks around with shades on all the time, even if it’s 10 at night. He’s always got his iPod in his ears, and he’s usually listening to the Ramones. See, I’d hire him just based on the facts he’s Asian, his dick is 5 inches, and he knows what “Gabba Gabba Hey!” means. Rocker X also blows one of the biggest loads I’ve ever seen. They’re not quite as big as Peter North’s, but they’re fucking big. In fact, in my world, Rocker X is a “load dumper” — and not a “scene carrier”…which, for me, is way more of a value. Anyways, Rocker doesn’t talk much on set; he doesn’t grope the girl a whole bunch, either; but he’s still super fucking creepy: he stands in the corner, Ramones blasting in his head, and he beats his meat like a monkey in the zoo…and I’ve learned from watching him that when Rocker X gets up on his tip-toes, it’s time for him to unload.

And unload he did.

So did everyone else. Oh Bree! How did you face become such a mess? And why doesn’t it bother you one bit?

This is when things got really interesting…cause, I lied just a sentence or two ago. Not everyone nutted. One of the brothas limped over to me before I started shooting and said, “Yo Billy Man. I just fucked myself up on the basketball court, and I’m not sure I got what it takes today to get the job done.”

“Are you OK bro? I mean you wanna sit this one out?”

“Hell no Niggah. It’s mother fuckin’ Bree Olson!”

I love it when black guys call me Niggah.

The Suck Fest went as planned, and yea, Brotha couldn’t nut. But that was OK, cause as Brotha was attempting to blow his wad, Rocker X, who had quietly been jacking it in the corner after blowing Nut 1, stepped up to the plate and busted Nut 2. And just when he was done, another dude who had been quietly jacking it in the corner, saw what Rocker just did and it set him off — yep! He busted Nut 2, too.

Two, to, and too. How hard can it be?

Not as hard as math. 4 guys hired. 1 can’t cum. 2 cum twice. So, how many nuts did Bree take that night? Keep that question in mind, cause it’s going to matter in a few.

So Bree’s covered in Man Goo, and that’s when dirty movies usually end, but not for Bree Olson. “I think I should go walk around the street covered in all this cum. Wouldn’t that be hot Billy?”

“Don’t tease me like that Breebie Honey.”

“I’m serious. Watch this.”

And with cameras rolling, I followed Bree Olson. First, she threw on her wife-beater t-shirt, then she strolled over into the next studio where they also make dirty movies. This is all real, mind you. Not one bit of it was scripted. People took a look at Bree, and then looked closer, and that’s when the reactions began. What would you do if a jizz-soaked hottie like Bree walked into your work? Bree went right into the make-up room, where Bella Donna’s brother was flirting with the female talent on that set, and his jaw just about dropped…cause he knew what was all over Bree; it hadn’t dried up yet.

I followed Bree out of that studio and right onto the street. I wasn’t sure if I should stop camera, double check to make sure shit was OK, and then continue. I mean I don’t even know what I’d check out? If there just so happened to be a cop in front of my studio? Or worse yet — a kid?

Fuck it, I rolled. And Bree strutted.

Up and down the street. Right by a nice Korean lady on her way home. Cars whizzing by. Bree walked up and down the street and then, right in front of the door, peeled the wife beater off.

How hot is it that Bree wears wife beaters?

Things got even kookier as we walked back up the stairs. I was behind Bree, my camera on her beautiful butt, when she asked, “Want to fuck my ass, Billy?”

“You’re teasing me again. Stop it please.”

“Come on, Billy,” she cooed. “Stick it in my ass.”

“But I’m not male talent.”

“Fuck my ass,” Bree pleaded. “Please.”

What’s a guy to do when a girl begs for some ass action? Answer me that, tough guy.

A few hours later, Bree’s agent rang. He wanted to know how the scene went. I told him it might be the best scene I’ve ever shot. He wanted to know how many guys were there. He wanted to know how many guys came, too. He wanted to know this cause he felt Bree wasn’t paid fairly…it was a four man blow bang, and six guys showed up.

“No, four guys showed up.”

“How many loads did she take?”

I’m bad at math. Five seemed to be the number. To me, that shouldn’t really matter, cause I’ve always paid girls based on a dick count, and not a load count. But I didn’t feel like arguing, cause there was nothing to argue about…even though it wasn’t a pre-meditated thing, Bree took more loads than were called for, and, more importantly, Bree went above and beyond what was called for, like she always does when she shows up for work. And I should have paid her more on the spot. Without her agent having to call.

Besides, I got to stick my wiener in Bree Olson’s butt…even if it was only for a few seconds. That alone has gotta be worth a couple hundred, right?