Joe writes: I was reading your blog yesterday and I started to wonder about the financial life of pornstars. I have always been interested in the business side of porn and your line of work has some unusual issues which would make financial planning complicated and a bit specialized. Specifically, there is an unusual curve for earning power and a shorter than normal time horizon for investments. Quite simply, I am writing to inquire whether financial advising services are currently available and utilized by talent in your industry. Do you think pornstars would even be interested in this type of advice?
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I think it’s fairly common knowledge that, for the most part, the “financial life of pornstars” can be best described as a clusterfuck. In fact, me and my pal Nicky Milo talk about it all the time, and every time we talk about it, I kinda amaze myself that I’m rehashing it yet another time.

You probably catch yourself doing the same thing. I mean not with the financial planning of a Porno Princess, but there’s gotta be some topic you and your wife (or GF or friend) talk about, over and over. Right? Well, me and Nicky will get on the phone, and start bitching about our jobs, and the next thing I know one of us will say something like, “…and can you believe she told me she’s broke? She can’t pay rent and she’s looking at hotels with weekly rates and moving all of her shit to storage and she wants to know if she can get same-day pay!”

Any why is it surprising that 95% of all the porn girls live day-to-day when it comes to finances? Let’s all think about this out loud for a sec: I don’t know any 18 to 25 year olds who manage money well. It’s really not the time in your life to do such a thing, is it? I blew through so much student loan money at that age it was crazy. Most of the shit I bought had nothing to do with my education: a cool, salt water fish tank for my apartment, a stereo, clothes, as well as drinking binges throughout most of the fall semester.

And I’m a “normal” dude who grew up in a middle-class home.

Barbie Cummings once told me she grew up so poor she ate mustard sandwiches in her double-wide, and on weekends her mom spiced up their life with Oscar Meyer hot dogs.

One of the things most people don’t talk about when they talk about the formative years of a Porno Princess is poverty.

In addition to a(n) absentee parent(s), a strict religious upbringing, lack of a formal education (GED’s don’t count for shit as far as I’m concerned), and an abusive family friend or relative, many of your favorite porn stars grew up poor. Really poor. Put yourself in that situation, and then, you turn 18, haul ass out of the house, move to Los Angeles, and suddenly find yourself earning $20,000 a month.

What are you gonna do with all that money? Run to the Northridge branch of the Charles Schwab office — or the Northridge mall? You gonna shop CD rates at the various San Fernando banks and S&L’s — or send some money home to your shitty parents in an effort to win some love and validation? It’s also very important that a Porno Princess show her True Love how much she truly loves him (especially since she’s making all this new-found money by banging other men) by financing any and all Lame-O Ideas: loaning him a large down-payment for a car and recording studio time are the first two things that popped into my head.

Let’s all chuckle a bit when I use the word “loan”, and since I’m on that topic, let’s not forget to lend all your “friends” money.

Then, there’s rent and bills to pay (you know how expensive a nice place is in SoCal); finally, there’s lots of partying to do.

Lots of parties. And partying.

What’s left?

Not to worry! There’s always another job…for the most part. (Work is drying up rapidly).

Notice how I left out the IRS? Yea…most Porno Princesses leave that part out, too.

So, no, Joe, not a lot of porn stars would be interested in your financial wisdom. Especially if they’re still wasted from the night before. You might have some luck setting up a meeting — if you catch them while they’re sober, though. But don’t expect to close any deals.

Unless you got $1000 and a clean test.