When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

Lately people have been asking about being male talent in this industry. I thought I’d reflect upon my experience.

This blog’s original air date: January 27th, 2007

The first guy to rent my new studio runs a site called We Be Lez. It’s not too hard to figure out what kind of dirty movies he makes from the name of the site.

It’s exciting, anytime you start a business, to get your first sale. I don’t even think my studio is ready to take on rentals, but here I am, renting it, which means (I hope) that when it is ready to show to potential renters, it’ll be easy.

So when my renter — who I’ll refer to herein as We Be Lez — got to my studio, we exchanged niceties, and while I gave him The Tour, he told me who he had booked for the following day: Gia Paloma, Tyla Winn, and Isis Love. Not a bad line-up, if you ask me.

Like any good host, at the end of The Tour, I asked if he had any questions.

“Yea Billy, I got one for you. Would you work the camera for me tomorrow while I work a dildo on Gia Paloma?”

To be honest, I was kinda hoping for the day off. I wanted to get out and hunt down decent used porno sofas for my empty sets, and I just wanted to get out of the studio for the day…but it’s Gia Paloma, and who wouldn’t want to watch her get banged with a dildo? Plus, Gia and I were kinda friendly — Adriana Nicole introduced us one night, and we all went out for Sushi. It would be nice to see her again. So I agreed.

“Um, I got one more question for ya, Billy.”

He hesitated before the “um” and “I one more question for ya”, and that made me nervous.

I looked at him. “Yea,” I said.

“Think you would fuck Gia for me tomorrow? On camera?”

I shot back immediately, “Oh no. I’m not male talent.”

“I know. I know. That’s OK.”

Then, he didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.

Silence. Then, more silence. I looked down at the ground. My head started working…at about 40 miles an hour. “You don’t really want me to fuck Gia.”

“Yes, I do.”

More silence.

My head picked up to 55 miles an hour, mainly cause I haven’t been laid since October. And ever since I met Gia, I thought she was really hot. In fact I saw her once, a week or so after our Sushi dinner, and Gia was walking her dog, cause she lives across the street from my studio, and she looked great. “But you really don’t want me. Really bro. I mean dude, I’ve got an Average Joe Dick — certainly not Joe Porno Dick. Besides, you run a lesbo site. Who wants to watch a boy-girl scene when they join a lesbo site?”

“My members like boy-girl sex from time to time. And I don’t care about your dick size. I think there’s lots of guys out there who don’t mind seeing an average guy like yourself fuck a beautiful girl. Plus, I’ll pay you three hundred dollars.”

Extended silence.

And as the silence just hung there, thick in the air, I could feel myself caving in. And thinking I cannot believe this conversation is really going down. I’m being offered a job to fuck a girl — and not just any girl — and I’m being offered 300 bucks to bang Gia Paloma. I’m a middle-aged guy who’s 25 pounds overweight with a 6 inch wiener and someone is offering me money to fuck a Porn Star. What kind of world do we live in?

I think my head was up to, like, 70 miles an hour. “I dunno man,” I said.

“She wants to fuck you,” We Be Lez said.

Well now this was just plain silly. My head crashed. And this time my reaction was immediate: “Gia Paloma does NOT want to fuck me!”

“She does! Honest man!! We had this conversation when I was booking her!”

I could feel my face grow flush and get warm. We went back and forth, and I kept insisting that Gia didn’t want to fuck me, and We Be Lez kept saying Gia did, so I told We Be Lez I’d think about it.

We Be Lez asked, “What are my chances I’ll get the scene?”

“Um, I’m maybe 80% sure. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

And the next day he came right back at me. “So, have you made up your mind yet? Do you want to fuck Gia?”

I had, and I would.

I wanted to for all sorts of reasons, none of which had anything to do with bragging to you fuckers about it, or bragging to my friends about it; I did want to fuck Gia on a purely sexual level, but I knew doing it with her in front of a camera was not really all that sexual and mostly just work. Hard work. Laugh all you want, but until you step in front of those lights, sans clothes, just to put on a show for pervy dudes like yourself, with a really hot girl…well, until that happens to you, then you’ll never know what I mean.

But damn, it was a really crazy to think that I was getting hired as a porno dude, and it was a really weird thing to think that I was getting hired as a porno dude, and, when it comes down to it, that was really the main impetus for my decision.

Well, that and I get to fuck Gia Paloma.

“Um, can I ask you one other thing, Billy?”

I braced myself. And winced.

“Think you can give her an anal creampie?”

I laughed. Out loud. Really hard. “Dude. I am not male talent. Let’s just see if I can make it through this.”

The truth: I was intimidated by Gia Paloma. Big time. And I told her so when she walked in. In fact, we huddled up in my make-up room and I went over everything — from my feelings about the scene, and how it was presented to me, to the actual sex act itself, and how I should do it, and if she could help me, and she was really, really sweet about the whole thing.

And guess what? She did wanna fuck me. That I will brag about. So there.

Well, at least she told me that before the scene. Which is a really smart thing to tell male talent before you’re about to work with him, cause the last thing you want is a limp dick on set. Especially one that admits to being intimidated.

Before the scene rolled, we were filling out paperwork, and I was behind Gia, and getting kinda pervy, and the next thing you know the paperwork’s on the floor, and me and Gia are, too, and We Be Lez is rolling camera. Things went great. In our business, that’s called “BTS” — behind the scenes.

After that, Gia did her thing, and We Be Lez did his thing with the dildo, and I did my thing with the camera, and Gia was simply amazing. I don’t even like solo toy videos, but Gia fucking got me going…which was a good thing, cause before I knew it, it was my turn.

I did OK. I was strong out of the starting blocks, but I kinda stumbled about 1/2 through the race. But Gia would look me in the eye and say really naughty things. Super Naughty. Things that would get you arrested in, say, 80% of the world.

She pulled my nipples…really hard.

She breathed heavy…right into my ear.

She stuck her tongue deep in my mouth.

Then she whispered more filthy things that only I could hear. And even though this was a show, she made me believe every fucking word she said.

I spit in her mouth.

She spit back into mine.

I loved every second of it.

Then, she got on her hands and knees.

As I was about to fuck her doggy style, she pissed all over my dick.

And when she was done pissing, she looked over her shoulder and right at me and said, “Now fuck my ass.”

I looked over at We Be Lez, and his eyes were as big as plates. I think this meant he liked The Show. I need to mention, at this point in the story, that I’m not a big ass man. I mean I like asses, but I don’t really ever feel the need to fuck them. And when I stuck it into Gia’s bottom, I heard her say something like “that piss makes my ass burn” and that totally threw me off.

I don’t want to make Gia’s ass burn.

Which is to say I totally lost my wood.

Which is to say no anal cream pie.

It took a little bit after that, but I was good for The Money Shot, and then I scooped it up and fed it to Gia, cause she asked me to, and then she smiled and thanked me, and that was that.

The End.

Of the scene, and my career as male talent. With one scene under my belt, I’m now officially retired. Cause as great as it was to get paid to have sex with Gia Paloma, I know it’s not the sort of thing for me.

Afterward, we laughed about it, and we went and had Baked Ziti and Italian sausage in Larchmount, and then we went to Pinkberry for yogurt, and then we went to Nina Hartley’s Polyamorous Workshop, cause Gia and Nina are pals, and I got to meet Nina, and guess what? She’s one of the most intelligent women I’ve heard speak, and she’s a nice person, and I bought a copy of her new book, and she signed it for me, and you should but a copy, too.

We talked about working together, too! Imagine that: Nina Hartley at Blacks On Blondes! (Since then, I’ve been lucky to bring Nina to a glory hole, as well as Blacks on Cougars.)

Nina told me, “Oh, I fucked FM Bradley in 1984,” she said and smiled, “and it pissed a lot of people off.”

If the scene goes down, it will certainly turn into another blog…and somehow, in 2007, I don’t think anyone will be pissed about it at all.

We’ve come a long way, right?