The Wannabe Slut writes:

Dear Mr.Billy Watson

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!

okay well maybe not in love but I do really enjoy your blog. You probably get a crap load of annoying e-mails going on about how fucking awesome your job is and how amazing you are for getting to do what you do blah blah blah. Well you know what its true! I’d absolutely kill to be part of the porn industry, not on screen but behind the scenes. How do I do this?

love,
the wannabe slut.

——————–

Dear Wannabe Slut:

I love Sluts. Which means I am in love with you! Imagine the world without a good, old-fashioned sluts. BORING! Sluts (real or imagined) are the fodder of school-boy gossip; they’re the backbone of my industry; sluts make any night at the pub far more interesting; sluts are one of the greatest gifts to all mankind!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if I get married, I’m marrying a slut.

In fact, I can barely come up with a list of 5 things that are better than a slut. Let’s see:

1) The Internet.

2) Bob Dylan.

3) A rack of yummy ribs from Charleston’s.

4) My dog, Maggie.

5) Paris, France.

OK. That list took me, like, 3 hours to figure out. And now, upon further inspection, I’d have to say I’d take a slut over Dylan (except maybe Blonde on Blonde or a minty vinyl pressing of The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan), and I’d take a slut over the ribs, unless I’m very, very hungry, and my dog is a total slut, and let’s face it — Paris can be really overrated.

As far as securing employment within the adult entertainment industry, you’re up against heaps and heaps of brutal competition, especially behind-the-camera. Take a look at my own PA, Doron “The Minion” Pepperscone: he’s 6’5″, 350 pounds of pure intensity, and when he’s not stinking up my studio with his foul feet and horrific ass gas, he’s dropping cameras as efficiently as Nick Manning drops loads. He edits. He knows 2257 paperwork inside and out. He cooks and cleans. He dresses sets and creates imaginative porno scenarios that only a true pervert could conjure up. He puts up with my rants and raves and my overly-stressed personae.

What more could I ask for?

A PA who’s a slut, I suppose. But don’t get me wrong: Pepperscone’s as big a slut as anyone I know. He just doesn’t suit my tastes.

I should probably answer your original question, though: you get into any job in the porno game through referrals. It really doesn’t matter if you’re in front of the camera or behind it: it’s really all about who you know, not what you know…but that adage is age-old and truly worn, and I apologize for using it.

Let’s do this — get to know one another. Start by sending me some explicit photos. I don’t want to see a stitch of clothes anywhere in the picture. If you’re really an over-achiever, why not make a few clips of yourself masturbating with an over-sized dildo. Really open up that vagina! Bonus points for anything that goes up your butt. Consider this all part of the application process; after all, it’s adult work, and I’ll need to gauge your overall proficiencies. Not only will I grade you, but I’ll be looking at the lighting, your set, and anything else imaginative you toss my way. And if you pass the initial screening, you’ll need to get yourself to Los Angeles, where I’ll be putting you to the test in a far more personal way. I’m sure you know what I mean.

After all, you’re a self-admitted wannabe. Time to make it all very real!

Pardon this metaphor, but consider the ball to be in your court.

PS: I didn’t really know what kind of picture to post with this blog entry, so I grabbed a test shot from True Slut Victoria Sin before her scene for TheDickSuckers.com — cause, let’s face it…everyone likes to look at pictures more than they like to read.