This time last summer I was hanging out with Jayma Reed and calling her my “girlfriend”.

Silly thing to do, hooking up with porn stars and referring to them as a “girlfriend”. Trust me on this. It’s sounds cool as hell, and you’ll instantly earn “Hero” status with all your pals, but let’s face it: Porn Stars as girlfriends is a lot like the #4 at McDonald’s, only super sized. Or the Wendy’s Triple. (They don’t even have the triple on their menu anymore; you have to request it).

I have no idea what any of that means, but bear with me.

Jayma’s a kook. Oh, don’t get me wrong; I really, really like Jayma. She’s sweet and intelligent and slutty and gives a 5 Star Blow job and can carry a conversation on everything from politics to The White Strips to theology, but she’s a fucking kook, and she’ll be the first to tell you that — once you get to know her a little bit better.

So we’re hanging out in my studio one afternoon, thinking of something to do, when Julia Bond rings me up.

Julia Bond is a kook. Oh, don’t get me wrong; I really, really like Julia. She’s somewhat sweet and somewhat intelligent and super slutty and I have no idea what kind of Blow job she gives cause she’s never sucked my dick, but she gives a 5 Star lap dance and she’s fairly quiet but an excellent actress.

Guess who the biggest kook of all is. Hmmm. That would be me: I watch people fuck all day long for a living but never get laid; I work a job that I can’t really tell anyone about; when I do tell people what I do for a living they usually flee…or treat me like I’m a sideshow act; I don’t really have any friends; I live in a porno studio in Los Angeles and a house in Phoenix I’m never at; I’m 43 and never been married and can’t really maintain any sort of intimate relationship with a woman for longer than, say, a year, and I don’t have any kids and when I do manage to get laid the girl is at usually 1/2 my age and it runs me $400 (or so) an hour.

Wait a sec — I’m either a kook or a genius…you decide.

Anyways, Julia calls looking for work, and me and Jayma were bored, so I suggested that Julia come over and do a scene with Jayma. I mean really…what else do you think us porno folk do when we’re bored?

“What kind of scene?” Jayma asked. “You don’t have any girl/girl sites.”

I told her I had an idea, and I did, so I called my pal Johnny Fender over, and asked if he’d like Julia Bond and my girlfriend to suck his dick while I rolled tape. “I’ll pay your rate, too!” I said.

Imagine that: getting paid to have Jayma and Julia suck your dick.

Or, imagine this: holding a camera and filming your gal sucking some dude’s dick.

Sounds like fun, huh?

Hey, did I tell you I’ve known Julia for a long time, and, in fact, I shot a Julia Bond Handjob movie and a Julia Bond Interracial movie and a Julia Bond dirty movie?

Or that I shot Jayma Reed Handjob movie and a Jayma Reed Interracial movie (with load dumpers) and a Jayma Reed dirty movie?

Where am I going with this?

Oh yea…so Julia comes over and together with Jayma they please Johnny Fender orally and Jayma, being the good whore that she was, took the load all over her face while Julia held it (her face, that is) and then they kissed, sharing Mr. Fender’s jizz, and all in all it turned out to be a dandy scene.

Soon Julia would star in a Jerry Springer episode and Jayma would go the way almost all porn whores go, which is as far away from porno as humanly possible.

Meanwhile, I’m still right in the middle of it all.