Since I blogged her yesterday, let’s talk about the Leili Yang Spunkmouth scene. Might as well. Cause it was a great scene. Superb amatuer porn, if I say so myself.

I’m not just saying that cause I shot it.

Big Dick Nikel pounded her silly. It was March, I had just rented my little porn studio in the heart of the ghetto, and things looked promising. I loved my ghetto studio. It was dirty and raunchy and outside Mexicans were everywhere. I especially liked it when I was shooting porn while the little cholos threw dirt clods at my window…and when I stormed out they’d haul ass, laughing.

When I shut the door, I laughed too.

The problem was swamp cooling. If you don’t live in Arizona, you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. So let me explain: swamp cooling is the ghetto way of making your ghetto apartment ghettofied. It’s simple, really. Water blows through some sponge-like material, and it gets cold, and as long as the dew point is below 35 (or so) your ghetto apartment stays nice and cool. As one of my previous slumlords put it – “damn chilly most of the time!”

Swamp coolers don’t work when the dew point rises…so forget about “damn chilly” in August or September – our monsoon season. And the day I shot Leili it was actually hot – and the dew point was way up there. In other words, we were all sweating like pigs.

Don’t get me wrong – sweating like pigs during a sex scene is fuckin’ hot; in fact, in the future I think I’m gonna blow a whole bunch of heat on people while I’m shooting them fucking just so they sweat all over the place.

Leili Yang was diggin’ it, cause she’s cool and laid back and down for just about anything naughty.

Big Dick Nikel didn’t like it. Not one bit. In fact, he got grumpy. At one point during the scene he stopped, gave me the stink-eye, took his hand and wiped his brow, then flung his sweat all over my wall.

OK – he’s a bit uptight. I’m going to forget he just threw his grimy, dirty sweat all over my pretty new ghetto apartment and just go with it…besides, this is a hot scene…

Then Big Dick Nikel came too early, which was part of his whole schtick. I know; I had shot him a whole bunch before, and just about every time I shot him he came at least twice. It was his dumb way of showing off.

I booked him a lot cause he had a big dick, and yea, he could come more than once, and…well, that’s about it. Besides, there’s not a lot of guys in Arizona that have a big dick and can give a director mulitple pops. (There’s not a lot in LA, either). All I had to do is overlook his super-gay G-string tan lines.

Um, plus, did I mention I was just about the only director in AZ that was still shooting Dick cause he tended to bug the shit out of most everyone he ever worked for? And today would be my breaking point.

“I really don’t need two pop shots, Dick. Let’s just finish this scene so we can all get paid and go home.”

So Dick fucks her some more, pops, and pops without warning. Since it’s his second pop, it’s not as big, so to make it go a bit further, he takes some cum that’s on his finger and flicks it in a dumb attempt to get more on Leili. Problem was, he almost got some on me.

“Dude, what the fuck?!”

“Don’t even worry about it Billy. It’s not the first time my cum got on you.” Then, he turned and walked into my bathroom.

My first reaction was to take him down and punch his mouth loose. But he was still nude, and those ridiculous tan lines were directly in my face, and his statment was so fucking stoopid (yea, stoopid with two “o’s” stoopid) I decided to just let it go. There was just one problem…Leili.

I look at Leili, and she’s looking back at me. She’s giving me the oh, I get it…you guys must be gay look.

“Leili…I swear on every single dead person in my family that fucker’s jizz has never touched any part of my body – on purpose or on accident.” (Which was a really dumb thing to say, because somehow it implies that yes, we’ve tried in the past, but gosh darn it, Big Dick Nikel has never splooged on me.)

I’m not sure Leili is buying it, but it’s true, and I said it with such conviction that, looking back at it now, I think she believed me.

I hope she believed me.

Cause it’s true. Besides, getting another dude’s cum on you is fucking gay, and no way am I gay.

Anyway, Big Dick was just being a big dick. He was pissed cause he couldn’t fuck Leili the exact way he wanted to fuck her, and instead of praising the scurvy motherfucker for a two-load scene, I kinda got down on him. And when he walked out of the bathroom, I handed him his check, thanked him, and that’s the last time I ever booked him again.

When I fire talent, I just let them go. I don’t say a word. I smile, and say bye, and that’s that. I don’t answer their calls, and I don’t return their voice mails. I just let it all go.

Problem was, Dick wasn’t letting it go. He’s the best porno star ever to come from the great state of Arizona, damnit, and he wasn’t going down without a fight. He kept up with the calls…first pretending like everything was OK, and then apologizing for his bad behavior, and then leaving drunken 1 am voice mails about how pissed he is that I won’t hire him and blahblahblahblah blah.

Bladdy-blah-blah, bladda bladda blah.

I finally answered one of his calls, and I explained to him how I didn’t appreciate what he said in front of Leili, and I told him that was that, and “best of luck to you!” and he apologized again and hung up.

Just when I thought I was all done with him, Big Dick Nikel called one last time, about a week later. 2 am. Drunk. Told me about moving to Hawaii with some MILF he met, and how rich she is, and how his life is going to be so much better, and how he’s gonna make more money than Spunkmouth, and more money than I’ll ever make, and he wished me luck, and then, finally, he hung up.

Remembering this all again, and writing all about it, makes me wanna go out and buy a Tazer Gun.

I don’t know why I haven’t already.