Simon writes: Age: 24 DOB: Feb. 5, 1981 Location: Los Angeles, CA — I don’t necessarily want to audition, however I would like to be on a set to see a taping. I am hoping to be around those beautiful girls to at minimum get a blow job. You see I have never had a blow job, nor had sex nor really kissed a girl before. I thought maybe if I was there one of them could just do a favor and give me a quick blow job. Please respond, and don’t just think this is an attempt by a virgin to “get some.” I’m not fat and not really ugly. I would appreciate a response. Let me know of a location and I will be there to watch and meet the people.

Thank you immensely,
Simon

Dear Simon:

Sorry bro, I don’t think I can help you out. I think peoples’ perception of what goes on at a porn shoot are whacky. Porno sets aren’t orgies. I mean while we’re working on set, we don’t walk around naked – fuckin’ and suckin’ – we wait to do that after we’re all done.

I mean I’d love to, honestly, you poor guy. You’ve never been with a girl — ever?

Wait. I’ve got an idea…maybe we can go partners and start a site. You say you’re in L.A., and that would make things pretty damn easy. Do you have wheels? Can you get around? I’m thinking something like Let’sGetHimLaid.com, and we do exactly that. I think there was this cat named Tubby Bob, and he was fat, and they got him laid a bunch. We could do the same for you! I’ll hire super hot porn girls to suck and fuck you (you don’t have to kiss them if you don’t want) and I’ll even pay you! All you gotta have are two forms of ID and a test that says you’re clean. Then, all you gotta do it let me point lights at you, and we’ll just take it from there!

But hold up…the more I think about this, the more I’m thinking no. See, there’s about 300,000 adult sites out there right now, and this business is getting harder and harder. In the old days – like 1998 – you could start just about any kind of site and make pretty good money. Some even made millions.

Then, everybody started to think they could do it. Even the Russians! Just like the supply and demand stuff you learned in Economics class, the more shit there is, the less it’s worth. And the harder it is to sell. There’s so much free shit out there now I don’t even know how I manage to sell ANYthing.

God, all this talk is starting to depress me.

How about I just take you to a whorehouse? Trip’s on me, pal.

Your pal – Billy.