I just had a typical Porno day.

It started with the star of my first scene — Nina Hartley — phoning me fifteen minutes before her call time. “I woke up this morning with a UTI, and I want to make sure I can give you a good scene. I can’t really take big black cock with a UTI, so I have to do something I haven’t done in 20 years and cancel the day of the shoot.”

I understood, and we re-booked the scene.

Then, the star of my second scene — Riley Rey — sent me a text message: Billy I’m fucking having the worst fucking day and a semi just rear ended the back of my car

This means she might have had a semi rear end her car, but, probably, she’s hung over, or fighting with her boyfriend, or both, and she certainly doesn’t feel like working.

UTI’s and semis. Boyfriends and bad days. Phone calls versus text messages. Does a porn whore with a 20 year history in this business have any more creditability than a barely-legal porn whore who’s been in the biz less than 6 months?

Suddenly, my day was wide open.

So, instead of making a couple of pornos, I watched a movie about two friends who make one.

Best friends Zack and Miri are in so much debt their utilities are shut off and they’re forced to burn trash in a steel drum in their front room in order too keep warm on a cold, winter day.

Why not make a dirty movie?

There’s lots of money in those!

Uh huh.

Zack & Miri make a porno was just OK. Hold off til it hits cable.

It’s a Kevin Smith film, and I’ve always thought his dialogue is more heavy-handed and forced than witty and realistic — even in his best films like Chasing Amy and Clerks.

Which is to say I enjoyed the real butter the Vista Theater coats their popcorn with more than Zack & Miri.

Wanna hear something cool? The Vista Theater is a single-screen indie movie house I can walk to from my crib that’s been totally renovated to its glory days from the 20’s; but, in the 70’s, it was a super sleazy porno theater; and, the decade before, Ed Wood Jr. had his office right above it.

Anyways, Kevin Smith cast real porn whores Traci Lords and Katie Morgan in his movie.

Traci Lords isn’t aging very well, but that’s no surprise.

Katie Morgan plays the not-as-dumb-as-most-of-them-are-but-close-enough-to-make-you-love-her blonde as well as she did to make the HBO execs fall for her a few years ago, but I’ll take the hardcore, Blacks on Blondes Katie Morgan over the cleaned-up, mainstream, HBO Katie Morgan any day.

Now, if I could only talk her into taking a trip to a gloryhole.