Check me out…burying my face into Luxury’s beautiful ebony melons. They clock in at a size GGG, and they’re as firm and soft as your mind can imagine.

Why do I like to bury my face in a pair of melons? Well, I love sex. That’s a start. I love women, too. I love melons. I love asses, too; and, in fact, if Luxury would have backed her rear end up into my face, I’d shriek in joy. Then I’d lick her butt hole. Cause I’m a pervert. A filthy fucking pervert. I love nasty, nasty things — as long as the people involved are consensual about those nasty things, and everyone’s having a good time.

Or making money.

Or both.

Cause that’s how I roll.

I’d stop short of calling myself a sex addict, although I’ve often wondered if I am. Why not take a quiz and find out, here and now? Oh hey…while I’m at it, let’s see if you’re one, too:

From Psyche Central: Answering “yes” to any of the questions below indicates that you might have a problem with sex addiction. The questions are adapted from Don’t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction by P.J. Carnes (1991).

* Do you regularly purchase sexually explicit magazines?
* Are you preoccupied with sex?
* Do you feel that your sexual behavior is abnormal?
* Does your spouse ever complain about your sexual behavior?
* Do you often feel bad about your sexual behavior?
* Do you hide aspects of your sexual behavior from your partner?
* Has your sexual behavior ever interfered with your family life?
* Have you been unable to stop your sexual behavior even though you know it’s inappropriate?

Before I got into the porno biz, I’d jerk to dirty movies about once a week. Sometimes less…sometimes more. Depended on whether or not I had a girlfriend. If I did, then less…and if I didn’t, then at least once a week. Sometimes more…but not usually.

Does that qualify me as a sex addict?

I don’t think so. But I guess you could find a specialist somewhere who would disagree.

As far as the rest of the list, I’m OK. Which is to say I none of the others pertain to me.

Well, wait. I’m a little concerned over the word “preoccupied” in the second statement. I’d need a more precise definition of “preoccupied”. Aren’t most dudes preoccupied with tits and ass and pussy? I know I was when I was 14 (or so) and, I think, up until now. But my preoccupation to sex comes from my occupation in sex, right?

Who knows.

Did I mention I love sex?

And women?

“I’m a sex addict, and I love women” — Chas Michael Michaels.

On to The Next: why am in the porno biz? Well…I’m lucky here, in as much as I can answer this question with relative certainty: if I woulda gotten tenure, I’d be there (Academia) — and not here (Splooge Land).

Which is to say when I didn’t land the coveted tenured-track position at the community college where I was teaching, I had pals in the porno biz, and they offered me a spot the day I walked out of the college with all my books in boxes…and, by the way, knowing someone in the Porno Game is the segue for about 90% of the people in porn.

Certainly for the dudes in porn, both in front of, and behind, the camera.

I do well in porn cause I am a perv, and I love sex, and I work hard, and blah blah blah on what I’ve already covered.

I also do well in porn cause I’m a creative person, and I’m not really a 9 to 5’er (although I’ve survived in that world) and, for the most part, I’ve always been intrigued (maybe “fascinated” is a better word) by people who aren’t The Norm.

I find The Norm terribly…well, normal.

And boring.

I have a lot of friends that are married, with 2.4 kids, and work in a suit and tie, and leave the house at 8, and come home at 5.30, and look forward to their weekends…and while there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, it just isn’t me.

When I was in part of The Norm, I used to watch porn, and I’d ask myself something like, “what in the world would make that cute girl do what she’s doing while someone is filming it for the whole world to see?”

Then, I’d blow a big load.

Usually all over myself. But sometimes I’d finish in the bathroom, directly into the toilet, to make clean-up a snap.

I’ve talked about this before, but usually not as specifically as I’m about to. Also, I’d like to point out I’m not about shit talkin’ Porn Whores, or Porno Dudes, or anyone, for that matter. I just think I’m a bit more qualified to answer the question I used to ask myself right before I’d launch the creamy stuff all over my big ol’ belly.

And let’s face it — you do the same fucking thing.

What in the world would make that cute girl do what she’s doing while someone is filming it for the whole world to see and then Ka-Blammo!!! you’re looking for the box of tissue to clean yourself up.

Hopefully before your wife walks in.

I’ve always said some of the most sure-fire ways to turn your daughter into a Porn Whore are: don’t pay any attention to her…or leave her altogether; cram a whole bunch of Religion down her throat on a daily basis; and live in poverty. Oh sure — there’s other factors I haven’t really covered, but don’t let anyone tell ya those aren’t The Big Three.

The Shylock — Mark Speigler — is a super agent who once told me an old joke. I knew the punchline before he told it to me, but out of respect I pretended I had never heard it.

“How do you tell when a whore is lying?”

Her lips move.

With that said, there’s two kinda of liars — pathological and compulsive — but I think the number one thing you’re dealing with when you’re dealing with a Porn Whore is Pathological Liars:

Pathological Liar: from The Truth About Deception — “A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused – it is done to get one’s way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.”

If your favorite Porn whore isn’t a pathological liar, she probably suffers from a bi-polar disorder:

Bipolar disorder: “Also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.”

Finally, they used to call them “sociopaths”, but now there’s a politically correct term: “anti-social personality disorder“, and, all they need are three of the following seven traits to be classified as such (one of my very favorite Porn Whores clocks in with all seven):

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Now, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, and go hatin’ on me. Let me make one thing perfectly clear — there’s a lot of people in porno that aren’t liars, bi-polar, or sociopaths.

Really…there is.

A lot of people in the porno game are kinda like me — they’re creative, they’re perverts, and the old 9 to 5 routine just ain’t their game.

Oh, did I mention I love sex?

And I love women?

I’m certainly not normal, either.

But, as Barbie Cummings always said, “I’m not normal, and I’m OK with that.”