I dunno about you, but I think about it all the time — life is fucking strange. Weird. And the older I get, the more I think — can it get any crazier? — which is about the time something even more fucked-up happens. So today, when my phone rang, and the display read RESTRICTED, I knew something was about to go down. And since I was feeling up to some random idiocy, I answered. Cause almost all the time when my phone says RESTRICTED, there’s some Foolio on the other end waiting to stir up the pot.

“This is Billy,” I said, in my stern, RESTRICTED voice.

“Um, hey Billy.” Long pause. “My name is Julio.”

Another long pause…during which time I choose not to say another word — until he says something. Cause I’m fairly certain he’s gonna ask me for a job as a Stunt Cock. And of course I’ve already have his answer, cause between e-mails and random phone calls, I get about 20 of these a week. They go something like this:

My name’s “AJ”. I’m 19 years old, 190 lbs with a fit and slim yet muscular build, I’m 6’3″, and I live in Upland, California (about 40 mins away from Los Angeles). I’m ok with ANY kind of sexual activity, even receiving oral from a male actor. However I’m not into any kind of sexual activity that is homosexual, other than receiving oral. I have hairy legs, but my pubic hair is shaved and well taken care of haha. I have a 9″ penis when erect (6″ when flaccid), I have a lot of stamina, a strong sex drive, and I’m comfortable with performing infront of an audience. I’ve attached a few photos here and I will send another email with my attached video that i put together. I have some professional modeling pictures that I can send to you also if you’d like. Hope to hear from you soon!

or

Hi my name is g. Im a straight white mail long sell taken care of hair athletic body 2 shoulder tatoo,s nothing crazy…would love to get into this I’m a surfer looking guy..good looking could make u money give me a call

or

hi billy, im interesting on working on the adult movies, my name is f, i am 24 9/1/1986 i am in los angeles ca. please answer me..

and the phone calls always come from RESTRICTED and just like Julio’s call, they say hey Billy so-and-so gave me your number cause they said I’d be good at porno. Can I have a shot?

First thing’s first — and I’ve said this a million times — you wouldn’t be good at porno cause I’ll 99% certain that you can’t be male talent in any kind of porno, cause once the spotlight’s on you and there’s a hot (intimidating) chick and a stern (intimidating) director and a whole bunch of (intimidating) people wandering are set, your wiener’s gonna be as hard as 1st grade math.

But that’s not why Julio was calling.

He didn’t want to be male talent.

He had a “package” for me, and he was calling from a pay phone at a doughnut shop close to my studio.

I hung up immediately, terrified.

WTF?

A package? What’s that supposed to mean? Which is about the same time Creepy Q, who edits the content I shoot for Blacks on Blondes, hit me up via ICQ: “I got your package, Billy!”

So now I got Creepy Q on my computer telling me about a package, and a dude I don’t know named Julio calling me about a package. That’s when it hit: I never told you this, but last fall I sent a FedEX to Creepy Q…and it never got there. FedEX dropped the ball, so to speak; hence, there’s 5 or 6 movies of big black dicks fucking little white chicks floating around the world — someplace. And no one’s ever seen them.

Except me.

And Julio?

That’s when I got pissed at myself for hanging up the phone so quickly. And like a scared, little girl.

Which is about when my phone rang again. And again, RESTRICTED.

“Is that you bro?” I answered.

Yep. I called him “bro”. Like we were bros all of a sudden.

“Yea man,” Julio said. “Hey dude don’t be such a dick. I just got a package here with your name on it, and I think it’s only fair I give it back to you.”

“It’s a FedEX, right?” I hid the excitement in my voice, cause I didn’t want him to think it was that big of a deal. Last thing I need is Julio asking for a big reward.

“No man,” he said. “This ain’t no FedEX box.”

So now I’m terrified — again. What kind of package is he talking about? Is this some sort of weird set up? And if it’s not the FedEX, how did this dude get my phone number in the first place? Which is what I asked him.

“Shaggy gave it to me.”

I have no idea who Shaggy is. I do know of a Shaggy who rides around with a crew in a hip van called “The Mystery Machine”. There’s Shaggy, and Velma, Daphne and Fred. And a dog that talks. Other than that, not once have I heard a dude referring to himself as “Shaggy”. Not in real life, anyway.

“Dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know any Shaggy. And if it’s not a FedEX package, I don’t know of any package being delivered to me. You’re calling me from a restricted number, and I have no idea how you got my number…so I’m about to hang up again. Cause you’re kinda freaking me out.”

Julio said, “Do you know Eric Kroll?”

Of course I know Kroll. We’re pals. Adrianna Nicole introduced us a few years back, and we’ve been friends since. Kroll’s a collector, too, just like me. And we both collect vintage smut: old nudie pics, vintage pulps, 8mm films, contact sheets, black & white negatives, and dirty mags that are long forgotten: Titter and Beauty Parade and Wink, just to name a few.

A month ago Kroll sent me a package of all the stuff I just told you about, and sure enough I never got it, cause the package was too big to fit in my mailbox, so the postman left it on top of all the mailboxes, and a pack of thieves led by a dude named Julio took it. “We thought it was a PS3 or some shit like that. Something good we could eBay. You know? When we went through it, I was like what the fuck? This ain’t nothin’ but old-time porno. Black and white shit. Who gives a fuck about that? Plus, I didn’t want my girl to think I was doing shit behind her back. If she saw a big box of porno sitting around my place, she’d get pissed. Anyway, I’m sorry I ripped you off, and I just wanted to give this back to you, bro. I just want to do the right thing! Besides, stealing mail is serious shit, and I don’t want no trouble, you know?”

I totally forgot about Kroll’s package! I wanted to jump out of the car and hug the dude. Instead, I handed him 20 bucks and thanked him.

Then I asked him, “So, how did you get my number?”

“I sell this dude weed. He’s in your business. When I showed him the package with your name on in, he told me he knew you, and he gave me your number.” Then, Julio handed me his cell, and sure enough, Stunt Cock’s number was on the screen — as “Shaggy” — which isn’t his porno name at all. Good thing, too, cause who would hire anyone named Shaggy to do anything?

Then it hit me: the only reason this dude was returning my package was out of fear. Julio knew Shaggy was gonna see me again, and if Shaggy woulda told me what he knew, I would have called the cops on Julio.

Then — “Hey Billy, you think you could hire me? I wanna be in one of your movies. I can fuck like a champ!”

“You got a big dick?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. (Every dude has a big dick, until it’s time to pull it out.)

“Hell ya I do. I’ll get my lady to make it big and then I’ll send you a pic!”

I didn’t even get back to the studio when my phone chirped. Damn, I thought. That was fast. I flipped it open, and the picture wasn’t from Julio at all. It was from a Porno Princess — a pal of mine — and she sends me a naked dude with his wiener flopped out of his pants.

“Who’s this?” I txt’d back to Porno Princess. “And why did you send it to me?”

“My brother,” she wrote back. “He wants to get in the biz. He’s got 7″, and he’s tone and fit and shoots a big load.”

I was stopped at a traffic light, already going through Kroll’s package of beautiful, old-school sleaze, some of which was spread across the passenger’s seat. I reread the text. The sun was bright, and a breeze made everything feel perfect. The thermometer on my dash said 71°. It seems like the weather is perfect here almost all the time. No wonder 15 million people live in this city.

I read the text one more time and shook my head as I made my way back to the studio.