Nick Steel called me yesterday.

He’s an amateur porno dude I hire when I’m away from Los Angeles. He’s actually very good male talent. The girls like him cause he has a six-pack and he ain’t a bad lookin’ dude; I like him cause he keeps wood throughout the scene, he’s got a pretty big wiener, and it shoots a lot of goo everywhere, and, most important of all, he’s not a knucklehead — at least not on my sets.

Samantha Sin licked his butt for Eat Some Ass; Serena Taylor blew him for The Dick Suckers; he brought along some goons and they did a number on Taylor Ash for Spunkmouth; he’s hand more than his share of handjobs at Manojob; shit, he even stepped up to the plate and did a solo scene for No Way Am I Gay. Between not being a knucklehead and helping me out with No Way Am I Gay, Nick’s turned into my Go-To Guy when I need strong male talent, and I’m not in Porno Land.

So when he called me the other day kinda desperate for cash, it took me by surprise. It wasn’t the desperate plea for work that threw me off, it was the fact he needed to pay his lawyer for some Holiday Trouble he fell into at the end of December.

Turns out Nick was partying a little too much, doing things that make your heart go pitter-patter, and he had been up for a few days, and he was driving in some neighborhood, when suddenly The Hell’s Angeles opened fire on him.

“Let’s see if I got this straight, bro. Out of nowhere, the Hell’s Angeles starting shooting at you?”

Nick said, “Well, I thought so at the time. So I drove real crazy for a while, and then I needed to ditch my car, and I ran to a guy’s house, and woke his whole family up real late at night, and when he opened the door I tried to tell him what was going on, but I thought the Angels were closing in, so I ran past him, into his house, and hid under a bed. Until the cops pulled me out a little bit later.”

Nick doesn’t act like a knucklehead on my sets; however, I can no longer speak for him anywhere else. Nick needed money, too, to pay his lawyer. I told him I had some work. He told me he knew a girl who wanted to be in pornos, and “do you pay a referral fee?”

“Sure I pay referral fees,” I said. “Is she cute?” I asked.

“Kinda, yea. She has a little bit of a middle, but she’s not fat.”

But she’s not fat.

I’ve heard those words before: agents tell me this from time to time…and always it’s the bottom-of-the-barrel agents. The ones who don’t have websites and don’t have pictures, but want me to hire their talent anyway.

I don’t need to say anything more.

Still, I told Nick to bring her by. And he did. And when I saw her, I wanted to jump for joy, but since they were both standing next to me, I waited until after they left, 2 hours later..then, I jumped for Motherfucking Joy.

Funny what makes me jump for joy these days: “Intimate Secretary”, my dog Maggie, a letter in my inbox from LC, and an uber-hottie never-before-shot barely-legal handjob honey.

Before her scene, she wanted to know what she was getting herself into, and, unlike some producers I know, I tell them the whole enchilada. (You can always count on a pornographer for a clichéd food analogy). “Look, there’s a lot of money to be made in this business, but you’re going to piss off and disappoint at least a few people in your life. It’s on the internet, and yes, people will see it. Lots. Maybe people you know. Maybe not. Maybe your parents. Maybe not. The only for-sure way anyone will find out is if you tell them. Here’s how it works: you tell your best girlfriend, the person you trust more than anyone in your life, and she’ll eventually tell her other best girlfriend about what you did, and that other girlfriend will tell her boyfriend, and then, literally overnight, everyone you ever knew will know.”

Then I told her about model releases (even though I’ve never once seen a model read a release before they sign it) and then I told her about what kind of scene she was going to do (handjob scene…no better way to start a newbie off) and then I told her how I shoot my scenes (I won’t bore you with those details here) and then I asked her is she had any questions.

“Any questions at all. Don’t be embarrassed to ask. I’ll answer anything at all, and I’ll answer honestly.”

“Do I get a porno name?”

“Of course you do! Any ideas for one?”

She looked at me and said no. I said, “Let’s do this the old-fashioned way then. Did you have a pet growing up?”

“Yes”, she said. Then I asked her what street she lived on as a kid.

When I asked Keesha Knight if she liked her new name, she looked at me and nodded her head yes. Then, she looked at Nick and smiled. I looked at her and smiled. She looked at me and smiled. I looked at Nick and smiled. Nick looked at me and smiled.

Which is to say we were all very happy.

Wait till you see her scene on Manojob! Usually the girls do all the talking, but Keesha was too nervous to really say much of anything. So we improvised. Nick did great. Keesha did great. I did great.

Which is to say job well done by everyone.

I cut her a check, and she said something like “this is more than I make in a week!”

“Do you want to come back tomorrow and make more?”

“Can I work with Nick again?”

Of course you can, my sweet.