K writes:

My names K I’m 20 years old, my birthday is August, 1986 and i’m from [the East Coast]. Im Italian Brown hair with blonde highlights , brown eyes, in extremly good shape, i’m a 34B, Im a size 0. Im interested in becomming a porn star because its something ive always wanted to do and of course to make some extra money! I’m very outgoing, friendly, sexual and energenic. I really look forward to hearing back from you, Happy New Year!

Heya K!

You know…it’s funny. While tons of dudes e-mail me about this all the time, not a whole lot of chicks do. The few that have actually stepped up to the plate and sent pictures never really followed through with what I told them, and what I’m about to tell you.

Get on a plane and get your sweet ass to Los Angeles ASAP. I will have my PA, Cherry Poppens, pick you up at the airport, and I’ll get you right into my studio, where, over the span of, say, 48 hours, you can make $3,000 or $4,000 dollars…depending on how much sucking and fucking you can do over those two days. If you don’t have the plane ticket, I just might front it.

I can book you right away for a handjob movie, and a blowjob movie, then we’ll do another blowjob movie, then you can eat some ass, then do another suck and fuck movie; and then, if you’ll do black guys, you can do another blowjob movie, and then you can do an interracial sex movie, and then, we’ll work some more on top secret sites no one knows about yet!!

Sounds great, right? I mean it takes some people a month to make that kinda scratch…and you can do it in two days! And during those two days it won’t even be an 8 hour work day! If you can call sucking and fucking “work”. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to be moving large, heavy rocks from one side of the road to the other. Can you believe it?!

Then, I’ll send you to a big talent agency, where you’ll make $20,000 to $30,000.

A month.

It’s legal, too! And you’ll be working for names like Hustler, and Red Light, and Vivid, and all sorts of companies you’ve never ever heard of.

Not a lot of people in our society make that kind of income, and you’re literally a 5 hour plane ride from doing so.

What I tell you is true…as is the following:

You’ll need an AIM test, which is less than 30 days old, and says you don’t have chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HIV. And even though you might have a clean bill of health, and the talent will have their AIM test, I can’t guarantee you won’t contract any of those diseases. HIV is really tough to get — I really wouldn’t worry about that — unless you’re doing anal creampies, or double anal.

The other two are really easy to catch. Herpes should be a concern, too.

Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes, oh my! Sing that three more times next time you walk into a singles’ club.

You’ll have to suck and fuck guys you don’t find attractive. You’ll also have to fuck and suck guys you don’t like. In fact, you’ll end up sucking and fucking dudes (and chicks) that will downright gross you out.

You’ll suck and fuck so much your pussy will get sore. Really sore. And if you do anal, expect a sore butthole.

You’ll fuck dudes with dicks that are so big, they might hurt you (for real).

You’ll never be able to erase your porno past, although it will die and shrivel up fairly quickly. (But know that at any time someone can sprinkle some water over it and bring it back to life).

People will find out, even if you don’t tell anyone. Which you’ll probably do. You’ll tell your best friend in the whole wide world…you’ll make her swear to you she won’t tell anyone, and then, after you hang up the phone with her, she’ll call her best friend…and within a matter of hours your whole neighborhood will know.

Average porn girl career is probably 2 months. Maybe less. Some do it for years, though. And, like every job you’ll ever do in your life, you’ll have good days, bad days, and great days, and horrible days.

Let’s face it, K. We’re sexual creatures trapped in a sexually repressed society. People will think you’re crazy for being a porn star, and then they’ll get mad at you, and ostracize you, and then they’ll run home and find every movie you’ve ever done, and they’ll pay money for those movies, and then they’ll beat their meat like a monkey in the zoo. In fact, they’ll cum harder than they ever have in their silly life — to your movies.

They’ll shoot the kind of loads that fly over their head and stick to the ceiling. Or mess up the keyboard on their computers. They’ll sit on the internet transfixed to the screen and masturbate furiously and moan and groan like they’re making sweet music to their girlfriend…or their wife.

But he won’t moan and groan loud enough to wake her up.

If you ask me, you’ll have a great time and make a lot of money that will take you places or allow you to do things you’d never have been able to do — college, travel the world, start your own business (using your own cash!)…shit, you might even be the next Jenna Jameson!

If you’re still interested, lemme know. You got my phone number.

Your pal — Billy