From time to time I have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.

Makenzie Wilson has been a guest blogger here more than once, and she always has interesting things to say. She’s still in the porno game, although not as much as she once was…and guess what? From the sound of this entry, I’d say she misses it. Imagine that!

I’ve been thinking, a lot lately, about life, what I ultimately want to do, what makes me feel like I have a purpose that is rightfully fulfilling to not only myself but helpful to others/the world simultaneously, and it’s made me a little kooky. When I was in the porno biz, on a more regular basis anyway, I didn’t really think too much about any of the realities of what lie ahead, either professionally in terms of book-work or in the fun, sexual, downright best job on the face of the earth that I had at that point in time. I honestly think I can say that I went through school, and life, a little ‘asleep’. This makes me sad, because I miss the protective wing of college and having to worry only about studying, passing the tests, oh-and who I was going to stay with the upcoming weekend when I would visit Porno-ville for more dough and good times. I had no care in the world, and I was blind to that.

As I’ve finished school, and slowly (and VERY sadly) drifted out of Porno-ville and more into a career, I’ve been struggling with my identity and what I want to make of my skills and abilities. I feel like I have so many of them that to limit myself to one forking job is just ridiculous, and will get boring fast. This has lead me to think a lot more about porn, and all that comes with it. Remembering the great trips I had to LA, San Juan islands, Malibu, Florida, all the wonderful people I met and connected with on a personal level, all the bullshiitake I had to deal with (“What? I have to get it on my face?!” or “Shoot is cancelled? UH!”), and all the money I amassed (yes, it is still saved and put away). But more than that, I think about who I became in the process. I developed sexual skills that most people only dream of, I was taught by ‘the best’, and I even had my hand held through most of it AND I got paid! I really had to dig deep into myself at times, and question not only my own motives, but my strength of not only character, but ability to listen and trust and get hurt but get right back up and start a new day.

I still dabble in and out of porn because, well, for all of the above reasons, but yes: I can now say with confidence that it is addictive. Easy schedules, easy money, the funnest times of your life (sometimes), sexual experiences that are safe, meeting new people, being at the epi-center of fame in the country, and, well, maybe being a little bit famous myself. I love attention, and sometimes I love myself enough to let myself bask in that attention. Sometimes people’s nasty comments would get to me, but I eventually came to the point I am now and can take the advice of a former photographer, “Who are they to judge YOU? Look at their pitiful, boring lives, fuck THEM!” Damn straight.

The days I go in to my part-time job, and practice what I’ve learned in school, I can’t help but be a little bewildered at all the stupid shiitake that goes on: people backstabbing each other, people wasting up to 50% of their days on the internet, talking with co-workers, reading magazines, etc. It’s just such a crock I can’t get over it. I just want to scream, “9-5’s are bullshit. Do what you need to in 4-6 hrs and go the fuck home.” Unfortunately it’s not that easy. Downtime is usually present, and then you have people scrambling trying to figure out WTF to do to look busy while no one else does. Oh, and then you have the people that want to stay a mere 2 or 3 minutes longer than you on the clock because they think it makes them look more dedicated. Puh, I prefer not to go to my grave saying I wish I’d of spent more time at ‘work’.

At any rate, this has brought me back to thinking about porn, fantasizing about how to get back in given all the limitations I previously bestowed upon myself, but meanwhile freaking the fuck out because at any given moment, someone could notice me and destroy my reputation (if it hasn’t been already). I know there are several ways to still be in it, without having to be a fucking-Queen machine, but I need someone already in it that’s willing to help me out. I don’t have that, YET���

So I guess now I’ll stick to my part-time job where I work with the most arrogant piece-of-shit doctor who thinks he knows everything, and girls that talk about people so much behind their backs that I have no reason to believe they don’t do it to me. And all the while I will keep dreaming about my past porno life, and how I could, at any point, get right back in.

~Mak