Since I blogged her yesterday, let’s talk about the Leili Yang Spunkmouth scene. Might as well. Cause it was a great scene. Superb amatuer porn, if I say so myself.

I’m not just saying that cause I shot it.

Big Dick Nikel pounded her silly. It was March, I had just rented my little porn studio in the heart of the ghetto, and things looked promising. I loved my ghetto studio. It was dirty and raunchy and outside Mexicans were everywhere. I especially liked it when I was shooting porn while the little cholos threw dirt clods at my window…and when I stormed out they’d haul ass, laughing.

When I shut the door, I laughed too.

The problem was swamp cooling. If you don’t live in Arizona, you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. So let me explain: swamp cooling is the ghetto way of making your ghetto apartment ghettofied. It’s simple, really. Water blows through some sponge-like material, and it gets cold, and as long as the dew point is below 35 (or so) your ghetto apartment stays nice and cool. As one of my previous slumlords put it – “damn chilly most of the time!”

Swamp coolers don’t work when the dew point rises…so forget about “damn chilly” in August or September – our monsoon season. And the day I shot Leili it was actually hot – and the dew point was way up there. In other words, we were all sweating like pigs.

Don’t get me wrong – sweating like pigs during a sex scene is fuckin’ hot; in fact, in the future I think I’m gonna blow a whole bunch of heat on people while I’m shooting them fucking just so they sweat all over the place.

Leili Yang was diggin’ it, cause she’s cool and laid back and down for just about anything naughty.

Big Dick Nikel didn’t like it. Not one bit. In fact, he got grumpy. At one point during the scene he stopped, gave me the stink-eye, took his hand and wiped his brow, then flung his sweat all over my wall.

OK – he’s a bit uptight. I’m going to forget he just threw his grimy, dirty sweat all over my pretty new ghetto apartment and just go with it…besides, this is a hot scene…

Then Big Dick Nikel came too early, which was part of his whole schtick. I know; I had shot him a whole bunch before, and just about every time I shot him he came at least twice. It was his dumb way of showing off.

I booked him a lot cause he had a big dick, and yea, he could come more than once, and…well, that’s about it. Besides, there’s not a lot of guys in Arizona that have a big dick and can give a director mulitple pops. (There’s not a lot in LA, either). All I had to do is overlook his super-gay G-string tan lines.

Um, plus, did I mention I was just about the only director in AZ that was still shooting Dick cause he tended to bug the shit out of most everyone he ever worked for? And today would be my breaking point.

“I really don’t need two pop shots, Dick. Let’s just finish this scene so we can all get paid and go home.”

So Dick fucks her some more, pops, and pops without warning. Since it’s his second pop, it’s not as big, so to make it go a bit further, he takes some cum that’s on his finger and flicks it in a dumb attempt to get more on Leili. Problem was, he almost got some on me.

“Dude, what the fuck?!”

“Don’t even worry about it Billy. It’s not the first time my cum got on you.” Then, he turned and walked into my bathroom.

My first reaction was to take him down and punch his mouth loose. But he was still nude, and those ridiculous tan lines were directly in my face, and his statment was so fucking stoopid (yea, stoopid with two “o’s” stoopid) I decided to just let it go. There was just one problem…Leili.

I look at Leili, and she’s looking back at me. She’s giving me the oh, I get it…you guys must be gay look.

“Leili…I swear on every single dead person in my family that fucker’s jizz has never touched any part of my body – on purpose or on accident.” (Which was a really dumb thing to say, because somehow it implies that yes, we’ve tried in the past, but gosh darn it, Big Dick Nikel has never splooged on me.)

I’m not sure Leili is buying it, but it’s true, and I said it with such conviction that, looking back at it now, I think she believed me.

I hope she believed me.

Cause it’s true. Besides, getting another dude’s cum on you is fucking gay, and no way am I gay.

Anyway, Big Dick was just being a big dick. He was pissed cause he couldn’t fuck Leili the exact way he wanted to fuck her, and instead of praising the scurvy motherfucker for a two-load scene, I kinda got down on him. And when he walked out of the bathroom, I handed him his check, thanked him, and that’s the last time I ever booked him again.

When I fire talent, I just let them go. I don’t say a word. I smile, and say bye, and that’s that. I don’t answer their calls, and I don’t return their voice mails. I just let it all go.

Problem was, Dick wasn’t letting it go. He’s the best porno star ever to come from the great state of Arizona, damnit, and he wasn’t going down without a fight. He kept up with the calls…first pretending like everything was OK, and then apologizing for his bad behavior, and then leaving drunken 1 am voice mails about how pissed he is that I won’t hire him and blahblahblahblah blah.

Bladdy-blah-blah, bladda bladda blah.

I finally answered one of his calls, and I explained to him how I didn’t appreciate what he said in front of Leili, and I told him that was that, and “best of luck to you!” and he apologized again and hung up.

Just when I thought I was all done with him, Big Dick Nikel called one last time, about a week later. 2 am. Drunk. Told me about moving to Hawaii with some MILF he met, and how rich she is, and how his life is going to be so much better, and how he’s gonna make more money than Spunkmouth, and more money than I’ll ever make, and he wished me luck, and then, finally, he hung up.

Remembering this all again, and writing all about it, makes me wanna go out and buy a Tazer Gun.

I don’t know why I haven’t already.

I had dinner with Alexa Lynn and my actor pal, who, for as long as I’m writing about him on a porno blog, will remain nameless.

OK, I’ll call my actor pal “Actor Pal.”

Actor Pal stopped by after my work day to hang out. Maybe get some dinner. I had wrapped a few hours earlier with Alexa Lynn for her Blacks On Blondes scene; we just walked in from a trip to the Gloryhole.

Both scenes turned out really good, by the way. Alexa Lynn was great. A real treat to work with.

Actor Pal likes Thai food, and so do I. Since the studio is in Korea Town, there’s some killer Thai food joints just a few feet away. Not just Thai food, but pretty much any Asian food joint represents pretty well in Korea Town. We tell Alexa it’s time for Thai, and she says she’s never had any.

“But I hate any Chinese food. I mean anything Chinese. Including egg rolls. Is it anything like Chinese food?”

Actor Pal shrugs his shoulders. “China’s a pretty big place,” he says.

So we try our best to explain Thai food. Alexa Lynn tells us she really likes pizza.

We end up at the Thai food joint, mainly cause Actor Pal has a crush on one of the waitresses there. Plus, we both like Thai food.

Actor Pal scouts the joint for Kuhn Kwang. It’s her night off, so we sit anywhere. We order some Thai BBQ chicken for the table to share, and some chicken skewers with peanut sauce, and lots of rice, because in addition to pizza, Alexa Lynn likes rice. She orders a Bud light, too.

“Why not try the Thai beer?” Ajax says.

Alexa doesn’t say anything. Then she says “I like Bud Light.”

Actor Pal asks the waiter if the Thai beer is light.

It is.

“Why not try the Thai beer?” Actor Pal says again. He’s smiling, and it’s forced.

“Um, I kinda like Bud Light.”

“But we’re at a Thai restaurant. I bet you’ll like the Thai beer.”

Alexa Lynn remains quiet. That’s when I interject. “I think we should let her order what she wants.”

Actor Pal says the Thai beer is good, so he orders it.

I think I need a makeover. I’ve been wearing the same clothes pretty much since 1998. I’ve got about 6 t-shirts I really like to wear, 3 or 4 pairs of shorts, and I’m all about Birkensock sandals. I don’t give a fuck if Jesus wore them, they’re comfortable.

I’m getting into this makeover thing cause it’s been about 6 months since I’ve had a girlfriend, and about 3 years since I’ve had a girlfriend that lives in the same city, and lately I’ve been feeling like maybe it’s time for a girlfriend; hence, it’s time for a makeover of sorts. That way, I’ll have some more confidence.

More confidence = girlfriend, right?

(Don’t get me wrong – I’m confident. But we all know every little bit helps.)

So I ask the table for an honest opinion. “I think I need a new look. Any ideas?”

They both look at me for a few seconds. Then Actor Pal says, “Do you want an honest opinion?”

Of course I do. Why would I open myself up to what I’m about to open myself up to if I wanted nothing but lies?

“Yes. Both of you. Please be honest.”

Actor Pal is all over it. “First get down to like 212 pounds. And lose that soul patch. Either go full beard or nothing at all. Why are you wearing shorts in January? Your sandals are ridiculous, and start exercising, bro. I mean, really.”

No one says anything for a second or two. Then Alexa Lynn says, “I like his soul patch.”

I’m taking all this in. Why 212 pounds? What kind of number is that? Why not 220? Something round. 225, maybe. And damn it…how many times do I have to say it: my sandals are really, really comfy. I’ve been thinking about losing the soul patch, and I know I need to drop 20 or so.

Drinks come, and Alexa Lynn doesn’t like the Thai beer. Hates it. I offer to drink it…along with my Diet Coke. And I order her a Bud Light.

So I agree to the sandals, the weight, and maybe the long pants.

Food comes. Alexa Lynn looks at the rice and gives it the stink eye. She immediately picks out the tomatoes, the cucumbers, the onions, and the parsely-like stuff the Thai food places use all the time (I pick that shit out, too).

I look at Actor Pal, and he looks at me. We both look at her, picking the rice apart.

The waiter sets down Alexa’s Bud Light, which cheers her up a bit. She slowly picks at a chicken skewer, and after we tell her like 10 times to try the peanut sauce, she does. She likes it, too. And after picking her rice clean, she likes it, too.

This is a girl that just took a pounding by two of the biggest black dicks on the porno biz. They made her vagina swell up like a water balloon. And she said things like “thank you sir” and “Yum!” when the black guys came all over her. After that, she sucked on an anonymous dick through a hole in a public restroom and swallowed all his jizz.

When I whacked it to porn – which I haven’t done since I started making porn – I always wondered about these crazy porno chicks, and what they were all about, and what makes them do what they do. And here’s Alexa Lynn, a nice girl from Texas, who doesn’t want to strip, and likes sex, and isn’t a 9 to 5’er, and likes porn, and here she is, picking the tomaotes out of her chicken friend rice and sipping on a Bud Light and telling us all about small town life.

And making fun of my sandals, too.