Stories of sexual conquests are nothing more than tall tales from an insecure braggart, so keep that in mind when I tell you about the time I banged Joey Lynn at a swinger’s party a while back.

And how can they be “conquests” when there really wasn’t any sort of conquering going on?

At least not in my case.

Before I go any further I’d like to say Pavement is one of the greatest bands to come out of the 90’s, and, while they might not be as important as, say, Nirvana, they’re just as fucking great. And it seems almost no one wants to remember them, but I’m judging that solely on their mySpace stats and their lack of radio time on Sirius Radio.

35 friends?

Are you kidding me?

Maybe it’s a fake mySpace? I dunno.

Maybe mySpace is done?

And it’s all about Facebook now?

Pavement’s mySpace certainly looks real, cause Stephen Malkmus is their top friend.

I was lucky enough to watch them play a gig in Phoenix way back in ’94, I think. Maybe 1993. And I bring this all up cause when I blog I play my music loud, and this time it’s Brighten The Corners.

And I was listening to Sirius’s “Lithium” channel on my way to pick up Joey Lynn for our night out, and wondering when (and if) I’d ever catch a Pavement song.

Our night out included a movie…and then on to a swinger’s party.

A swinger’s party. Can you believe it?

I met Joey a few days before I shot her for Blacks on Cougars. Agents do thing thing called “Go-Sees”. I can’t remember if I ever told you about them, but they’re basically what they sound like they’d be: an agent (pimp) drives a bunch of wanna-be porn starlets (whores) around to various directors (pervy pornographers) in order to get them work.

Joey Lynn was one of my Go-Sees, and I liked her, so I booked her, and then I shot her, and we became friends, and a few days later her agent called me to say Joey wanted me to accompany her to a swinger’s party that was going down in Porn Valley that weekend.

I’d never been to a Swinger’s Party before, and I dunno if you have, but let me tell you they’re kinda weird.

No…they’re really fucking weird.

The people are nice enough, but the whole thing is this kind of contrived show in which regular people fuck in front of each other for the sport of it. I think that’s the way I wanna put it. Which is to say — in this particular instance — I walked into a house party with Joey (which happened to be right across the street from Bobby Brown’s house) and there’s food and drink and people kinda hanging out in small groups and even though everyone’s small talking and doing the same shit everyone does at a house party what they’re really waiting for is someone to start fucking…presumably so they can start fucking, too.

Which makes for this weird, contrived feeling I told you about a second ago…cause I dunno how else to explain it.

All these swinger couples network, too, mostly on internet message boards. And they all have fake names — kinda like porn star names…but not always. Some of them are really dumb names, too, and I wish I could remember a couple so I could tell you now, but I don’t.

As we walked around the house, we started walking into rooms where couples were fucking. If I wasn’t a porno director, I’d find it completely weird and surreal all at the same time, but since I make smut for a living, I’d simply call this a surreal experience. Some rooms had just a couple fucking while other rooms had a few couples fucking. And we’d walk in, watch them for a few minutes, and then walk out.

Big whoop.

But that’s about the time Joey asked me if I wanted to fuck, and I kinda did — but I kinda didn’t, either. I’ve always thought sex was a spontaneous thing and something that isn’t a “plan”, and this whole night was planned, and to me it wasn’t as hot as, say, walking into a normal house party that turned into a freak show…but that never really happens, I suppose.

So we found a comfy place and started to get it on. By “comfy” I mean no one was around, but it certainly was out in the open, and sure enough, the second we started doing it people started lurking around to watch us, which added to my surreal experience in all sorts of ways.

Who the fuck wants to watch me get in on with anyone?

What if someone totally shitty jumps in? Am I suppose to just pretend like it ain’t happening and just keep going?

How am I measuring up? (In more ways than one).

My wiener stayed hard, and we got it on a while, and people came and went, and then Joey asked if I wanted to go to a more private place, and I was all for that.

Once there, Joey asked, “Would you take a picture with my cell phone of your dick in my mouth so I can send it to my husband?”

“Um, sure”, I said. Joey sent it off, and a few minutes later I was taking all sorts of pictures of my dick in Joey’s holes and Joey sent them off to Hubby as fast as I could snap them and hand her the phone.

“Oh! He loves these! Now he wants you to cream pie me! Don’t worry, I’m fixed!”

One of the definitions of “surreal”: having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic: surreal complexities of the bureaucracy.

Or, the surreal complexities of A Swinger’s Party.

An hour or so after our cell-phone photo session, we went and got a late-night dinner at a restaurant on Ventura. Usually I like breakfast for dinner (especially this late at night) but I think I opted for a 1/2 corned beef sandwich (lean) on rye with some Grey Poupon and a Diet Coke.

Like all the porno whores, Joey didn’t eat a thing, even though she ordered some food; I just can’t remember what it was.