I had a bad day at work today.

It’s really nice shooting content for a bunch of different sites, cause I can book one girl for the whole day. Booking a girl for a full day’s work has its advantages: she shows up happy and in a good mood cause I’ve given her anywhere from 3 to 5 “jobs” that day; she’s making a lot of money; and she doesn’t have to drive all over LA to make her moo-lah.

Add in the fact that I’m a great guy to work with, and there you have it.

So today when T. showed up for work, she had a smile on her face. I had a smile on my face, too, cause T. is cute, and bubbly, and who doesn’t like working with cute, bubbly girls?

We immediately hopped into the white van with all my gear and headed for one of the most notorious gloryholes this side of Rancho Cucamonga. Here’s some free gloryhole movies shot at the same location. Anyways, she sucked a big, black dick – an anonymous one at that – and we jumped back into the van…and on to the studio…to shoot a b/b/g (“boy-boy-girl”) for Blacks on Blondes, as well as a scene for a secret site I can’t really talk about right now.

On the way back to the studio, I called AIM. In case you didn’t know it, AIM is where all the porn stars get tested to make sure they’re free of STD’s. That’s when AIM gave me the bad news – T. had chlamydia. Poor girl. She was really upset; she felt “dirty”; she just lost out on a whole bunch of work, too. And we all know work means money.

To ease things up, I remind T. chlamydia is everywhere. It’s in spas and hot tubs! On toilet seats! On sex toys! Everyone has chlamydia!! They’ve either had it, or got it, or gonna catch it!! Shit, I even had chlamydia once, when I was in college, and when I was in college with chlamydia the Doc told me then at least 25% of the college was walking around with it.

“So let’s just call chlamydia our pal! Cause it’s fun, fun, fun!”

She didn’t laugh. Not once.

I called the agent. Agent has a girl who lives about an “hour or so” outside LA. Her name is K., and she’s girl’s available! And K. does brothers! She’ll even do internal creampies with the brothers!!

In Porno Land, an “hour or so” means anywhere from 90 minutes to four hours, so I book her.

Two and a half hours later my new gal shows. She’s cute, and the brothers love her, so we go to set and take stills. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I shoot all my stills before I roll video. Makes things a lot easier. After stills someone reminds me to call AIM…which I usually do before anyone has sex with anyone.

I call AIM, and one of my brothers is positive. You guessed it – chlamydia. This really fucks shit up cause now my girl’s been exposed, and one of the brothers has exposed the other brother.

Time for a pow wow. A meeting of the minds. We huddle up: K’s pissed at me, cause I didn’t remind her to check tests before pictures; I remind Kaylee it’s everyone’s responsibility to check tests, and I made an honest mistake; in addition, I remind K. that the brother who did test positive didn’t do a very good job during stills.

Which is to say he couldn’t get his dick hard.

Which is to say there was no penetration.

Which is to say we faked some of the stills.

Which is to say faking shit from time to time happens a lot in Porno Land.

Which is to say K. probably didn’t catch chlamydia, but we can’t take any chances…can we?

I lose Chlamydia Brother and reshoot the stills, this time as a simple boy-girl sex scene. (Certainly I couldn’t give the producer b/b/g stills with a b/g movie, right?)

K. shoots her scene, does well, and leaves to get her medicine. The brothers leave to get their medicine.

As I sit here banging this out on my laptop, I’m only 4 hours behind for the day, getting ready to start my last scene. I’m tired and grumpy and want to go home…only 5 more days left til I’m there.

Five days and fifteen scenes away.

And you thought shooting porno was all fun and games.

I’m watching a gang bang as I type this. For real. I dunno where the actual scene is gonna end up – DVD or internet – and I don’t think it even has a name yet. I do know the scnario: it’s located at a sperm donor office, and there’s a cute little asian “managing” the office (Keymore Cash) and it’s going to be her job to collect all the sperm.

Looks like she’s got quite a job ahead of her.

Why the white suits? Since it isn’t my production, I really can’t say. But it certainly adds to the creepiness factor, so score some extra pervy points for the sicko-producer who thought it up.

It was a sweltering day in Los Angeles, and the studio has no air conditioning. Before the sex even starts, I could feel the place get about 10 degrees hotter just from the additional people milling around – and sex hadn’t even started…yet. I ran around the room with a clip board and a piece of paper, scouting out the new guys with potential. And, of course, I wouldn’t know what anyone’s potential really is until I watched the gang bang go down. Gotta see the dicks perform, you know?

There were some veterans there, too…you might even recognize a few of them from the group photo. What a motley crew! It was almost a who’s-who of B and C rate male talent, brand new male talent…and all real perverts. There’s Guy DeSilva! Remember Kyle Strong? Randy Rodman’s in da house, as well as Jeremy Steele and Spoonie Styles!

And when the sex started, shit got real weird, real fast. Dudes who seem friendly and easy going turn shitty real fast – a total Jekyll and Hyde side show thing. The instant cameras started rolling all the dudes started jacking off, working up a hard-on, and leering. A total creep show! And There was so much testosterone in this place I think, at one point, it starting to ooze from of the walls. Between everyone clamouring all over the place to grab a piece of ass and the random beating off, it was a total freak show.

When I shot the Spring Thomas gang bang things were more relaxed. Now, I’ll admit, it wasn’t really a gang bang (it was really a boy/girl sex scene with a blow bang tossed in just for fun) but it still makes me wonder why things weren’t as crazy on my set: 15 more guys? The fact they’re all getting some pussy? Maybe cause the brothers aren’t as high strung as the white dudes? Maybe a little of everything I just mentioned?

I have no clue.

I sat back with The Asian Man and talked shop while the madness went down. The Asian Man! He rules. The Asian Man scores chicks simply by being The Asian Man. Chicks e-mail that lil’ yellow fucker all the time! They want to bang-bang with The Asian Man!! Why don’t any chicks ever e-mail me wanting to bang-bang? And then, while The Asian Man was showing me his site, I noticed none other than the lovely Miss Jayma Reed! Right there on his tour! Which made me think of this beautiful haiku:

Oh, Jayma! Silly
ex-Mormon girl! Never did
You mention cream pies!

As I look out into the studio, they’re DPing Keymore Cash, who, just 6 months ago, was only 17. She’s a big girl now, with a big girl’s job. Soon, it’ll be time to dump cum all over her sweaty, Far-East beauty. I’ll be there, close by, scouting whatever talent is out on that floor. Let’s see which one of you fuckin’ pervs can come up with the best Money Shot.

She’s a gene pool, alright…a cummy mess. The thing that freaks me out is a lot of these dudes have no problem coming in contact with other dude’s sperm. When I tell you her stomach was a gene pool, I mean it. And yet here they are, stepping up to the plate, mixing it up with all that sperm. And from my vantage point, there were a couple dudes with a pretty hefty money shot, so I run back to my clipboard and make notes.

Just then, the doorbell rings; my pizza is here. Extra-thin crust, with sausage and mushrooms. Y que papas!

I just hope the pizza dude doesn’t call the cops with all the screaming and moaning going down.

Chico Wang comments on Haley, his current girlfriend:

Haley is the most trusting girl in the world.

I convinced her I want to fuck her ass, deposit a load in her colon, and have a butt baby.

Half-white, half-Asian, all brown.

We’re going to name the kid Mr. Poo.

(I took this picture of Chico and Jasmine Tame at LA Erotica last month. Jasmine is one of my all-time favorite porn stars; Chico’s one of my all-time favorite crazy guys).

I haven’t talked about Gloryhole Initiations much, cause, well, it was an afterthought.

I think The Producer just wound up buying the site from its original owner, cause it wasn’t doing very well at all. Originally they were staging gloryholes at swinger parties and shit…and to be totally honest, the first few scenes are kinda lame. When The Producer saw the site, and went inside to see what was happening, he knew it could be immediately improved on.

How?

First thing we did is made it the girl’s first time…hence the name. We’d bring them out for Gloryhole.com when the time was right…but they got initiated first.

Second? Just drag the girls out to real gloryholes. None of this swinger party shit. And I mean really…they’re not that hard to find. Next time you’re in a super-seedy adult bookshop, just go get yourself a handful of tokens and head to the private rooms. Then you’ll see what I mean.

So we took the site over, threw the girls in the big white van, and headed out for glory. Here’s a few of my favorite stories:

Krissy Kay – Easily one of my all-time favorite Gloryhole girls. Why? Well, take a look at her butt, staring right at you. And what’s on her hands? Gloves! She didn’t want to get her hands “dirty” touching a stranger’s cock. I mean it. She’ll put it in her mouth, but she doesn’t want to touch it. And she played it off like she was “just kidding” off camera…but she wasn’t. Fuckin’ classic.

Georgia South – Hands down one of the biggest whores I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with. I mean that as a compliment, you know. How? Well…here’s a good example: my pal M. ran into a friend we once had in common…we’ll call him S. S. fucked us both over, meaning M. and me. S. has a wife, and she’s pretty rancid. M. says he saw S’s wife at the supermarket, and when he told me the story, he referred to her as a “whore”. I said she’s not smart enough to be a whore…the proper term for her is “slut”. Sluts are much dumber than whores, cause they give the pussy away for free. Silly sluts. Whores get all the respect in my book.

Goldie Cox – Right before dragging Goldie to the gloryhole, she asked if we could stop and get a bite. She was hungry. Wait…maybe it was after the scene. Anyways, I said sure, and even offered to buy. My treat! “Where do you want to go, Goldie?” Subway. I wasn’t all that thrilled, but she loves the bread there, and the tuna fish, with extra mayo and no onions. As we ate, she told me about being a crazy kid, and trust me…she was crazy.

Kylie G Worthy – I shot this scene like a year ago. On our drive out to the hole, I discover Kylie and I are from the same place! And we know the same people! Well, one person…and it’s a porno producer, and like most porno producers, this guy’s a total creep. So we talked some shit on him, and then we walked into the gloryhole and she sucked a stranger off. On the way home we laughed and laughed and laughed about all sorts of dumb stuff. Now she’s my pal. And she just had a baby recently! Yeah Kylie!

Finesse Navaro – I think she’s retired now. At least she told me that when I saw her at AVN’s. I like Finesse. Especially her name. I think she works at a talent agency. Finesse doesn’t fuck around.

And right below? Kimmy! Cause, well, she’s Kimmy, and getting Kimmy to do a scene is like pulling teeth out of a possum, which is very difficult, even if you’ve had some practice.

Interesting things seem to happen to me more in L.A. more than Phoenix, and I suppose that’s a good thing. Here’s a quick list of the fun adventure that was today:

1) Devon Lee shows up for her Blacks on Blondes scene, but first, we take the white van out the the Gloryhole. The Gloryhole was totally non-eventful, if you can ever call sucking a stranger’s dick in an adult bookstore a “non-event”.

2) The Blacks on Blondes scene after was more of an event: Joachim, the European porno bro, is in the U.S., so I booked him. Joachim is a strong performer, but you can’t really rely on him much for dialogue…that is, any dialogue in English. He’s getting a massage from Devon, and she flips him over right away for the happy ending kind of massage you get in those Jack Shacks; however, Joachim decides to fuck her as a few brothers stroll in to the scene. All three brothers drop a load on her face before Joachim finishes all over her BA-gina.

3) Missy Monroe strolls in a few minutes after we wrap. She’s bad to the bone. She simply exudes sexuality, even if it’s just in a pair of sweats and the wife beater she showed up wearing. We meet. I tell her I saw her at AVN’s in Vegas and wanted to say introduce myself, but there were about a million fans surrounding her, and that’s just not the place/time to do such a thing. Then we jump in the van and go back out to the gloryhole.

4) I decide I like the massage therapist scenario so much I do it again, but this time Missy “double books” two black guys, just so she can get her pussy double-stuffed with black dick. You read right: double vag…with black guys. Not that double vag with white guys is any easier, but it just sounds better when black dick’s involved, you know?

5) Cherry Poppens has been my PA lately. She’s also one of the latest Mano Job updates. But she wants to wind down from the porno scene, so I’m training her on 2257 stuff, and loading cameras, and meeting/greeting talent, and, from time to time, I even let her shoot scenes for my gay site: No Way Am I Gay. So this black dude’s there to shoot, and he’s a pretty small dude with a giant black ding-dong. Problem is, he can’t make it squirt, so we had to work around that problem…which is a pretty big problem to work around. But we managed.

6) We head out for dinner – me and Cherry – and I listen to her tales of adolescent misadventure. They’re pretty amazing, like most porno girls’ tales are, and after dinner we’re walking down the street when I see this dude who’s so handsome it’s ridiculous. He’s the kind of handsome even a straight dude like me realizes and thinks something like shit, that dude has no problem getting laid. He’s the kind of handsome that deserves a good industrial accident. So I point him out to Cherry and say something like, “we need to book him for No Way Am I Gay. He’d be good I bet.” I say it loud, so he can hear it, just to be goofy, and that’s when Cherry freezes in her tracks, squeezes my arm really hard, and bites her lip. Then she starts walking real fast, and pulls me along, as whispers in my ear, “Shit, do you know who that is?” I don’t, and she tells me, and she brings up the Spiderman movies, and I’m like “oh yea, I know” and that’s that, I guess…

But I knew it: he’d be good business for my site.

That day I shot Brian Pumper. I forgot who he was fucking, but he showed up on set with Spliff Star, who’s part of Busta Rhymes’s crew, and of course I have no clue who Spliff Star is…but I know Busta. Well, I don’t know Busta personally, and, to tell you the truth, I can’t even name a Busta Rhymes song, so I guess I really don’t know anything at all about Busta. But Spliff was a really cool cat, and after we wrapped the scene, and I walked into the green room to tell Spliff bye, he handed me a very kind bud and said I’d really like it.

Now, I’m not in love with Mary Jane, but I do kinda like her from time to time – right before I go to bed. It helps me sleep, cause for the last few years I don’t think I’ve made it through a night.

Sophia called me not too long after, looking for a place to crash. I had just left the studio, where I usually stay, cause it was rented out to a company making a mainstream movie, and those fuckers were gonna be in there all night long, crashing and banging out sets, so I booked a hotel room in Studio City. Of course Sophia could crash, cause we’re old, old friends, and I love to help friends out, and it would be nice to have some company.

I stopped on the way to get a six pack of Fat Tire, my very favorite ale, and some chips and munchies and stuff. I had some porno editing to do, so I dragged my laptop and external harddrives along, too, and I was all set up and working by the time Sophia showed up.

“Hey, look at what Spliff Star gave me,” and I showed her the chillums.

No, wait.

Backtrack.

Carlton Banks gave me the moocah cause his puppy was on set when we were shooting a load dumper scene, and the puppy licked one of the load dumper’s legs, and it made the load dumper lose his hardon, and the load dumper couldn’t dump, so, like I said, Carlton gave me the boo; it was his way of apologizing.

Either way, I had some reefer, and some munchies, and South Park was coming on, and I was all done with my editing for ManoJob, and I kinda was looking forward to toking a bit and just relaxing.

That’s when Sophia came in. And the first thing she did was use the bathroom. And almost immediately, she used it again, and I asked her if she was OK, and she said she just needed to make a poopie.

Two times.

And what poopie it was! Poopie with a capital “P”. She apologized, and I opened the balcony window, and I laughed, cause I didn’t think Sophia ever made poopie, and certainly never a poopie like that, cause Sophia doesn’t eat. No eats means no poopies, right? And super-hot porn girls certainly aren’t capable of such pungent poopie, except maybe Spring Thomas, who, in addition to making very strong boom-booms, is a championship farter.

Then I told Sophia about the Carlton story – not the Spliff Star story – cause now I know for sure Carlton gave me the four twenty.

And what doradilla it was! But we didn’t know it until we smoked it, and we didn’t smoke it until we found something to smoke it with, cause I’m such an amateur at all this I might have some weed, but cetainly nothing to smoke it with.

“Is there a Bible in the room?” Sophia asked.

“Um, I’m sure there is. Are we going to pray we find something to smoke this with?”

Of course not. Sophia knew the last couple pages of a Bible have super-thin paper – rolling paper kind of thiness – and, as a matter of fact, this is common knowledge among most tea heads – which is not to say Sophia is a tea head. So we searched everywhere and found the Bible the Gideons leave in every hotel room. Sure enough, there it was, on the top drawer of the night stand, and sure enough, the last two pages were made of super thin paper, and I tore some out, then secretly prayed to Jesus that I wouldn’t burn in hell for what I was about to do, even though I’m not a Christian.

I went ahead and rolled a cripple.

We smoked the pin, and damn, we were baked, and we laughed really hard at South Park, and Sophia had Reese’s Pieces, and I ate all those, and then we crashed.

This is about the time I groped Sophia’s ba-gina, which was a really stupid thing to do, cause

1) Sohpia’s engaged

and

2) Sophia’s enaged to a friend of mine

and

3) awkwardly groping a porn star’s ba-gina like a 12 year old under any circumstance is a really dumb thing to do, even if it’s part of a cheesy porno scenario and we’re working.

That’s right… Ba-gina.

“Hey! Stop!! That’s not cool. Besides, I’m monogamous.”

This is about the time I’m feeling like a complete toolbox once again: first, of course, was the time I initally took the swipe at her; and now, all over again, writing about it. There’s gonna be a third time I feel like an idiot, too, and that’ll be the time I see Sophia’s dude, in person, knowing he’s read this…and I’ll aplogize to him at that time for groping her.

Or, I could do it now: sorry bro. I mean it. I was high and that’s that. It won’t happen again.

Anyway, I stared up at the ceiling. Sophia rolled over and crashed. And almost immediately, she started snoring. This wasn’t the kind of snoring you’d expect from a porno girl, let alone a super hot porno girl. The noises Sophia made were something akin to the aroma of her ass I enjoyed just a few hours earlier.

But I fell asleep, cause I was baked, and it was such good cannabis tea, I could even sleep through all the snoring – and the humilty – that night brought to me.