Category Archives: stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

stories from behind the camera

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Mia Smiles at the Gloryhole

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Veronica Jett in the hole

I had never heard of Mia Smiles before we jumped into the white van and headed out to the secret gloryhole at our favorite ye olde adult bookshoppe, for two reasons, really: since I started making porn, I quit watching it, and I’m not a huge fan of Asians. Another reason why I had no idea about Mia Smiles? Well, she’s been in the biz for nine years, on VHS and DVD, but she’s really never done any internet work. So when I told her this was an internet-only scene, she kinda got excited.

“I’ve really never done gonzo work like this before,” she nervously admitted.

Almost all the seasoned porno girls love working the gloryhole, cause it is so crazy, and they always do the same old shit, so when something like a gloryhole scene comes along – which really never happens for them – well, they love it.

By the end of the day, we had hit it off pretty well. Like I said last paragraph, she got a huge kick out of the gloryhole, and how seedy and disgusting it is, and she never once complained about anything at all. Which is to say, Mia Smiles had a blast.

I really don’t have much to say about Mia beyond that. Except she had such a blast we worked together one more time, on the Erin Moore alter-ego site that probably won’t be online until the year 2525…which, if I’m not mistaken, is the title of a song that played on the radio when I was a little kid.

Nothing To Do With Porn, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

I’m Not Sure What To Call This,

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Chelci in the tub

but it’s late at night, I can’t sleep, and for some reason I’m thinking about my old pal Eric, who’s been dead now for 25 years. It’s weird when a friend, who happens to also be a peer, dies…especially when you’re young. Don’t get me wrong – it’s sad, and depressing – along with being weird – when someone your own age dies for whatever reason…as long as your own age happens to be anything under the age of, say, 65.

For example my friend Bob died recently, but he was 74, and full of cancer, and he’d been fighting it long before I knew him. So, his passing is sad, but not depressing, and certainly not weird.

But when my friend Pat killed himself about six months ago – a friend who graduated high school the same year I did, and was my age, well, then it was really sad and kinda weird.

But when you’re, say, 17, and you find out a friend died, it really fucks with your head.

We used to spy on Eric’s mom whenever she took a bath. Not the best thing in the world to admit, especially when you’re talking about a dead guy’s mom, but we did it. The whole neighborhood. My dad built homes back then; in fact, he built the whole neighborhood, and we lived there too. There were eight homes total, and with the exception of one, there were kids in every house, so everyone knew everyone.

In fact, when Eric moved to Phoenix from So Cal, I was the first kid he met, and we became fast friends. We both rode skateboards everywhere, we used to stay out of the hot summer sun and watch game shows on TV, and we both thought Led Zeppelin #2 was, perhaps, the greatest record ever made. (Remember, this was in 8th grade).

Eric lived across the street from me, and this kid Paul lived next to Eric, and we used to play hoops at Paul’s, and one day the basketball bounced over the fence and into Eric’s backyard. I hopped the fence to get it, and there she was, in her full naked splendor, nothing over the windows. I don’t think she ever cared about putting blinds over her bathroom windows, ever, and with my discovery that part of Eric’s backyard turned into An Event almost every night.

We just made sure Eric wasn’t around. Then, we’d sit along the lean against the fence, peering over the fence, while she sat in the tub, sipping wine, or reading, or both. We were maybe ten feet away, and she’d always have this dim light on, and nothing else, and it was simply amazing. There would be anywhere from three to eight of us, and we’d stare at her, deadly silent and intense, from the time she got in that tub till the time she stepped out.

I know once the show was over I went home and beat off like a monkey at the zoo, and I’m sure everyone else did, too, but no one would ever admit to such a thing back then, cause beating off was for fags.

Once, when a bunch of us were coming home from a Cars concert, Darren turned to me as said, “Let’s go spy on Mrs. Cuthbert.”

I was driving my father’s Pontiac convertible, and it’s so huge like 8 of us could fit comfortable in it, and Eric was in the back seat making out with his girlfriend, but I think he heard.

I still have that car, and even the ticket stub to that show, cause I kept all the ticket stubs to all the shows I’ve ever gone to…well, at least the ones where a ticket was issued, and I got to keep the stub.

Eric died a couple years later, on his way to Saguaro Lake, in the back of a jeep. Chris, the kid who was driving, was fucked up, as they all were…all four of them – Eric included – making their way to the lake to party that day. But the old CJ Jeeps had that super narrow wheel base, and something happened, and there was an over-correction, and the jeep flipped, and Eric died on the side of the road; everyone else lived.

I have no idea why I’m thinking about Eric now, 25 years later; however, I have a pretty good idea why I can’t sleep. And just to keep this from being completely depressing, here’s Chelci, who I shot in a tub, which kinda reminded me of the story I just told you, only Eric’s mom was hotter.

Way hotter.

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not), Super Fun E-mails

Super fun e-mails.

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Sunny Day

“Denise” writes:

Dear Mr. Watson,

I have been to your Spunkmouth site and have enjoyed a few trailers showing the way girls enjoy getting a mouthful. I am a single, Caucasian female and am currently working as a hotel Hostess in Atlantic city. My job duties include all sorts of things, even sex with the high rollers. I have to admit I’m paid well, but I do not get to enjoy many big black penises, which I have a thing for. It is not uncommon for me to give head a few times a day, and if I’m lucky they eat my wet pussy too. On two occasions I have spent the night with a gentleman, enjoying sexual intercourse and other lovemaking.

I am forty-one years old and am tall and slim, with 38 CC’s. My nipples are large and tipped upward, almost always erect. I am interested in knowing how you pay, and will be out on the west coast next month sometime. If agreeable to you, I could meet with you and would enjoy performing fellatio as a trial run. Please advise.

Hi Denise!

Um, let’s see if I got this straight: you’re a MILF-workin’ gal in Atlantic City, you’ve got a thing for black guys, your nipples are hard almost all the time, and they’re pointers, and you’d like to give me a free blowjob as a “trial run” before I make the decision to hire you to fuck and suck on one of my sites?

Oh, and you refer to your work as “sexual intercourse and other lovemaking”?

Are you sure you’re not an overweight middle-aged gay guy stroking to the fact I might be getting turned on by your silly fake e-mail? I mean I don’t know any whores willing to dole out trial-run BJ’s to anyone – let alone strangers – nor do they ever refer to any sexual act they perform for money as “lovemaking”.

And I know a lot of whores.

If you’re real, sure…I’d love to meet you. E-mail me your phone number, and I’ll ring you up, and, like I said, if you’re real, I’m ready to schedule my trial-run blowjob. For this sort of meeting I’m free almost anytime, day or night; however, I don’t think I’ll hold my breath.

If you’re genuine – or a frustrated fag – I remain your pal, Billy.

PS: here’s a pic of Spunkmouth’s newest whore, Sunny Day. And no, she didn’t have to perform any trial runs before she got the job.

random rants, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

DVD’s Mean We’re Legit!

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Riley Mason

Funny what makes people legit these days. I dunno about your line of work, but in mine it seems the only way to earn everyone’s respect it to produce a line of DVD’s. No way a website’s gonna earn any respect; DVD’s are the only way to go. Which is kinda funny to me, cause the internet guys are making as much as the DVD guys, and I think that’s pissing off the DVD guys; hence, they’re always kinda busting our balls…for example, the DVD guys think internet shoots are “easy” and we “get away” with lesser production values that they do.

Anyway, we’ve been toiling over DVD production for a long time now, and to me and my partners, we’ve always considered it money laying on the table. That’s the only reason we’re doing this…I mean the scenes have been shot, we’ve made our money back on them…and now what? Earn someone’s respect? Ha. What a laugh.

We wanna earn your money.

DVD’s are a tricky thing…well, DVD’s are really pretty simple. It’s cracking the Good Ol’ Boy network of DVD distribution that’s a tricky thing. It’s a total kiss ass sort of deal, magnified a zillion times, with some ball licking thrown in for good measure. I didn’t kiss ass or ball lick, really I didn’t…I think I just got lucky. And who knows if I really got lucky, cause so far the only thing I’ve ever heard about selling DVD’s to distributors is the following: you’re gonna get fucked no matter what you do…the trick is not to get fucked too hard.

That’s no fun to talk about though. Let’s talk about Spunkmouth DVDs, which should be released next month! Really, I haven’t been this excited since I shot a Spring Thomas blowjob scene for JOMG.com!!

Riley Mason is our first boxcover girl, and rightfully so. You’re reading my blog; you know what a heet she is. We then sprinkle some unknowns who never made porn stardom with a few that did: there’s Meg, otherwise known as Ryan Starr, who almost made it big; Lisa, a total unknown that never did anything besides our scene (I think); BJ Swallows, who made a few appearences on another site as well as Spunkmouth, then faded into oblivion; and Vicky Vette, total porn star godess.

Who other to put on Spunkmouth Volume 2 than Spring Thomas, braces and all? From there it’s Savannah, who’s now (sadly) caught up in the abyss of methanphetamines; Nadia Rae, an escort who answered one of my early ads in the back of a local weekly searching for porno stars; Tina, a super heet that could have been huge but isn’t; and Brandi Lyons, who did get huge and is in a self-imposed psuedo-retirement thing at the moment.

Whew. Lotsa good jacking material there, my friends. So come around mid-May, make sure you march right down to your local adult bookstore and ask them where Spunkmouth #1 and #2 are. No, demand them…both.

Cause there’s nothing better than DVD porno on your big screen TV.

Spring Thomas

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

A Day at the Office

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Spring Thomas

Fuck me, I’m exhausted. I started at 9 this morning, and it’s quarter to 11; I just wolfed down my dinner (one of those Carl Jr. burgers without the bun, marketed directly to the Dr. Aktins freaks, along with some onion rings, a diet Coke, and a yummy Carl’s Jr. chocolate cake – the one with just a dab o’ vanilla icing on top) and now it’s time to write.

And why not talk about my day?

You know, I’ve been resisting any and all temptations to talk about Erin Moore and her alter-ego, Ruth Blackwell, just cause the site isn’t launched yet. And I won’t spill a lot of the beans about the site anytime soon, but a little something won’t hurt, right? Cause Ruth was my 11 am shoot this morning – the first of the day – and I teamed her up with Kori Kreams, a brand new porno chick who’s shot about 5 scenes. Kori’s so new she doesn’t know to look into the camera while she’s being fucked, and she giggles at everything that supposed to be sexy (cause she’s nervous) and but she got big ol’ DD fun bags, so why not book her?

Today’s male talent: Brian Pumper.

A lot of people bag on Pumper, and it’s not hard to see why. I won’t go into details now, but lately Pumper’s come around, and it’s made me book him more and more. One thing about Pumper – you can count on his dick staying hard from start to end, he’ll do almost anything you ask, and he’s such a perv it simply adds to the overall perv factor for any scene. Plus, he’s always been polite to me, so why not book him?

Around 10 this morning, as I’m finishing up my coffee, my phone rings, and it’s an 800 number. So I think about any bills I haven’t paid lately, and my student loan comes to mind, so I don’t answer.

And after it stops ringing, my phone rings again, with the same 800 number. I answer, and a computer generated voice of a lady says there’s someone on the phone from the Los Angeles County Jail that would like to speak with me…and her voice cuts out and I hear Brian Pumper identify himself. Computer lady comes back on and asks me to push 3 to accept the charge, and 9 to decline.

Maybe it was 9 to accept and 3 to decline.

I think hard and long. Do I want to accept, listen to what he has to say, and possibly be asked to post his bail? Or do I press the number that will make him go away for the time being?

I accept. Of course I accept. It’s the kind of guy I am, for real. If you got tossed in the slam and called, I’d probably accept your call, too.

But there’s a problem. Computer Lady knows it’s a cell when I press the magic button, and she says to me I can’t accept a collect call from my cell, and she hangs up midsentence.

Now what? I need my scene, and honestly, I need to at least get word to Pumper’s people he’s locked down. So I do both – Ace is my go-to man, and I call Pump’s crew up and let them know where their man is.

Ace is my main man, lately, for a few reasons. He’s a good guy to have around, he doesn’t bug anyone, he’s packing a whole bunch of heat, and he can fuck and talk at the same time. All you really need to be a male porn star, really.

Did I mention Cherry Poppens has been my production assistant lately? I think so…although I kinda had to fire her last week. She flaked on a work day, like most porno girls do…so I was pissed for a few days, but I’m over it.

The few days I was pissed my man Faceblaster stepped in, and he’s a good PA too, cause he can hold a light as well as blast about a gallon of sperm in a girlie’s face if need be.

But Cherry’s good, too, cause she can hold a light as well as bend over and take a blast to the face, again, if need be.

So I’m covered lately on PA’s.

I feel like I’m rambling, and I think I am…so maybe it’s time to wind down. I mean I could go on and on…about the guys behind the studio, building a brand new apartment comlex, and their pounding and pounding and poudning nails all day long…or the wind storm that made something tick on my ceiling right after the carpenters quit pounding, forcing me to climb up on to the roof and make it stop, or Katie Thomas, and her crazy bullshit. Or the ManoJob scene I shot with Cherry Poppens.

But I’ll wind down. Really, I will.

Around 5 pm my phone rings, and it’s Pumper, and he’s telling me how sorry he is, but a long time ago some dude stole his wallet, and it seems this same dude like to rob people as a living, cause he recently was almost nabbed robbing someone else, and somehow the cops thought Pumper was their man cause when he stole Pumper’s wallet, he stole his identity, but it was the ID thief that was trying to rob whoever whenever, and once the cops figured out Pumper and this dude were, in fact, two different people, they let Pumper go.

Did that make sense?

Plus, according to Pumper, he kept telling the cops, over and over, I am Brian Pumper! Adult Film Star!! and sure enough, a few cops recognized him, and that hurried the Freedom Process up a bit. Good thing for me, cause I need him Friday. He’s going to pound the living daylights out of Ruth Blackwell and Alexa Lynn.

Well, if he doesn’t get arrested again.

Here's Cherry!

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

B.B.Q. Sauce All Over My Shoot – and Riley Mason

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Riley's on Eat Some Ass

I think by now you know how much I like Riley Mason – both as a porno star and a real person – so to see her show up in anything I shoot isn’t a big surprise. When I got the OK from her agent that she’d Eat Some Ass, well, duh…I booked it.

But I didn’t shoot it.

Cause I’m trying my hardest not to work too much, and my business partners are being very cool with this, so I’m booking and coordinating more, and letting other people shoot.

Chico Wang, a very good pal and someone whose work I admire, said he wasn’t doing much that night, and agreed to shoot it…which worked out perfectly cause Chico lives right around the corner from the Porn Hotel where, among other starlets, Riley Mason calls home while she’s working in LA.

I’m a big believer in hands-off anything, especially when someone with talent is running the show. So the night Riley ate some ass, I was the hand-off producer, meaning Chico Wang, as director, called all the shots. And that makes sense, cause, after all, Chico shoots tons of very excellent dirty movies. Who am I to tell him, specifically, what I want?

Oh sure – he knew the premise of the site, and where the cum shot belonged, but other than that, I felt that was I the coaching he needed…and I was right.

The scenario: Riley entertains Joe Rock. She blows him a bit, then it’s time to Eat Some Ass. But who wants to eat a hairy asshole? And Joe had one, so Chico sent someone to Walgreen’s to buy those waxing strips you heat up over the stove…cause Riley was not to eat a hairy ass…a clean, well waxed ass was on the menu for her, and Chico made sure of it. So Riley laid Joe Rock down, laid the waxing strips on hus hairy bunger, and pulled it all off.

Do I need to tell you Joe wasn’t too happy?

And when you’re chowing on your food, you rarely eat it plain, right? I mean, if you’re having, say, a burger, you’d put mustard and ketchup and tomatoes and lettuce on it, right? I mean I would…so when Chico asked Riley if she like some BBQ sauce with her ass – BBQ’d Ass, I suppose – she knodded her head up and down.

“Yum,” I think she said, but really now I don’t remember.

So that night she ate some BBQ’d ass, and I laughed really hard, and so did she, and Chico, and everyone else who was there, except Joe Rock. I don’t think he liked any of it.

My business partners didn’t like it, either. And all they ever saw was a still picture or two – just like you’re looking at here. They didn’t like it cause BBQ sauce can be mistaken for other things – Number 2 being one of those things.

You know Number 2:

Doo-doo.

Boom-boom.

Poo-poo.

Now…I’m really aware of issues like this each and every time I walk on set, whether I’m shooting the scene or not. Even with Chico directing and my hands-off policy, if he was doing something I thought might get me in trouble…well, that’s when I’d turn to hands-on and stop it. But it never came to that point; in fact, I loved the scene.

I mean it’s BBQ sauce. It’s BBQ sauce from the second it comes out of the bottle till the end of the scene. No one even insinuates it’s any else but BBQ sauce. And the written decription for the scene…if we ever get that far, will solidify one thing, and one thing only: BBQ Sauce.

I just don’t know if it’s ever gonna see the light of day. It seems my partners are holding their ground on this one, and really, that’s OK with me. We each get a vote on any issue that comes up, and if I’m voted out on this round, then that’s the way it will be. I’ll accept that.

My grandpa always said “a partnership is a sinking ship”, but even though my partnership’s gone through some rough seas, it’s managed to stay a float so far…and besides, this is the first time in some 200 or so scenes where there’s ever been an issue with content being somewhat objectionable.

I’m hoping for a change of heart from them, but I think I’m gonna lose on this one. And like I said…that’s OK by me.

Riley's on Eat Some Ass

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Super fun e-mails.

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Blacks On Blondes

(Not The Real) Ron Jeremy writes:

Hi Billy,

I think the popularity of your blog and certain sites tells us that folks like some “reality” mixed in with their porn. For many of us, we are not only turned on by the girls but we are also fascinated by the porn life and lifestyle. Call me crazy but I think a site that is based on the life of wesley t pipes would be fascinating and would create a demand. Users would be able to see the life of wesley, see an ordinary day of him:

-beating down a whitey just cuz he’s white

-giving one of his bitches a proper beating for demanding child support for one of his kids

-engaging in everyday wesley type activities such as stealing, consuming or selling drugs, running from the 5-0, sharpening his spears

-spending his money on cars, clothes, jewelry and drugs

-and of course banging white chicks He is a very fascinating and scary character, I feel a site based on his life would do well. Many are enticed by the gangsta life but never come near it. During the course of your filming I am sure you would get some great quotes from the crazed negro. You could then make t-shirts base on them. In no time wesley would be an icon. The site would include a blog of “deep thoughts by wesley”. There is one issue I see that you would have to navigate and that is how to successfully videotape all of his antics while not becoming an accessory to crime. Give this some serious thought Billy, I bet it would make money.

Hi Ron!

I think, as a whole, getting and reading your e-mails makes my week. It really does. Any time anyone makes me laugh, it makes my day. Sometimes my week. And, on rare times, my month. And of course I take all your e-mails seriously, as I am going to do with this…so let me address it directly, right now.

I think there’s a site based on Wes. I don’t recall what it is, but I’ll ask next time I see him, which should be soon. See…in the old days, Wes was kinda dogged by his (relatively) weak pop shot. He can fuck like a champ, but when it came time to pop, it just wasn’t all there. I think Wes would be the first to agree with me.

I’m assuming you’re a guy, as I am, and we all know, being guys, that’s there’s really one major reason why, when it comes time to cum, and there’s not much of a pop, that occurs: your ball sac is empty.

Now, in my case, an empty ball sac means I’m beating my meat too much.

I have no idea why or how your balls get drained.

Wesley’s balls are drained cause Wesley fucks a whole bunch, and let me tell you (for the most part) who/what he fucks: pretty white girls. Pretty white girls who are really into scary black guys. (He also likes Asian girls, and, I think black girls, but I’m not too sure on the black girl thing. In other words, don’t quote me on the black girl thang).

Anways, recently Wes raised his rates, and that’s a really good thing, cause while he still fucks a bunch of pretty white girls off camera, he’s not doing it as much on camera, which means lately, his pop has been really very strong. So, in addition to a great rap, and a great performer, you now get a pop to go along with it.

I’m a big Wesley fan. Always have been. I think he’s one of the best…maybe one of the best ever. I wish I could use him all the time, cause I would. I’ve even thought about making a documentary on his life. I don’t think there would be much spear sharpening, or many beat-downs on whitey cause whitey’s white, and I don’t think Wes has any kids…other than that, I’m not going to comment on Mr. Wesley Pipes and what goes on in his private life, other than to say he’s one of the most dangerous people I know, and I really like working with him, and, in addition to a good co-worker, I consider Wes a friend.

And no, no t-shirts.

As Wesley would say, that ain’t my bidniss.