We were putting together what would be the initial scenes for our newest site – Eat Some Ass – and we needed our female talent to be strong…that is to say, not squeemish about things like putting their tounges up a dude’s ass.

I was checking out Angela Stone on her agent’s site cause she had a good reputation for putting on a strong scene, and I liked her trashy blonde look. Her agent said she’s absolutely love to eat some man ass, so I booked her immediately.

I had no idea she had the ability to make her pussy squirt like a firehose.

I won’t even bother with the sordid details of her fucking and sucking; Angela Stone did so like a champ. I won’t even really bother with the ass eating details, either. I mean I could…she lapped the male talent’s bung hole like a thristy dog over a bowl of water.

It’s just that I had no idea she had the ability to make her pussy squirt like a firehose.

The first time it happened, I thought to myself whoa, did she just make her pussy squirt? I mean it was a squirt, but not a huge squirt…more like she might have leaked out a Number One in all the excitement.

I kept my mouth shut and let the camera rool as she sucked dick.

The second squirt was the firehosesque squirt, and it blasted all the way across the room: it went all over the bed, my camera, me, Angela, the male talent…

Firehoseque.

I think I just invented a word.

Angela’s third squirt was more like her first, and by that time she was so exasperated it was good the scene was coming to The Money Shot.

My ex claims she can squirt, and I’ll admit she a soaking wet pussy…but she didn’t squirt.

Angela Stone’s vagina squirts, and let me make this perfectly clear: it ain’t Number One. I know…I pulled the bedding off and hauled it to the dirty hamper, and on the way I snuck a whiff or two.

Nope to urine, pee-pee, and Number One. 100% pussy juice, my friend.

That bedding was soaked, and not a hint of anything that smelled like anything…which is my fancy way of saying the bedding didn’t smell.

I’ve seen this phenom more than once…but no more than 5 times. Once or twice it happened at Dogfart’s secret mansion while filming scenes for Blacks On Blondes…I think the Friday scene, in particular, caught her squirting. (But I’d never really had the chance to inspect the aftermath like I did after Angela’s performance.) I’ve seen it once or twice in my private life, too. My pal A. claimed to have the ability to make “any girl” squirt, and he did so once in front of me at The Producer’s house…she was a stripper and she even let me practice on her while A coached me on…but I didn’t make her squirt.

It’s all in the finger motion; it’s more like a the way your mom put her finger up when she was pissed and motioned for you to “come here” than it is like the way most of us dopes finger a chick – that penis-like pistion finger fucking action.

After A’s help and the stripper who was kind enough to let me practice on her, I’ve tried, and tried, and tried…and while I’ve made a few girls’ eyes roll up into the back of their heads, and I’ve made some of them make moaning sounds like cows in heat, I’ve never made any of them squirt.

But it’s really something to see.

My past work week. Feel free to compare it to yours. I’m sure you won’t see much that’s different.

Monday: Spend 6 hours in the car, travelling to my work location, and dealing with porno biz – mostly two shoots from my newest site, Eat Some Ass. I hired out the cameraman, but still…talent’s really late. So late I’m thinking it’s a no-show, so I’m dialing around to replace her, but she shows – over two hours late. Then unload equipment into studio. Kinda sucks, cause it’s only me, and the studio’s on the second floor, and there’s a fair amount of gear. I’m tried and kinda grumpy and just want to crash.

Tuesday: Two scenes today. Page Morgan, a fairly new starlet, will be featured in both. I think I told you I liked Page when I met her cause she’s really the typical white trash porn girl, and she has a tat on her arm that says “The Clash” and some of the lyrice from one of their songs. That’s worth a job, right? Actually, two jobs: Blacks On Blondes and the Erin Moore alter-ego site Ruth Blackwell. I had Page dress like a snowbunny, cause the black male talent called her just that – a snowbunny. And I had no idea what a snowbunny was…

“What’s a snowbunny dude?”

“That’s what the black girls called the white girls in middle school and in high school. Like, I’d ask my black girlfriend to do something sexy for me, and she’d say something like ‘go find a snowbunny to do that for you!'”

“So a snowbunny is a black girl’s term for a white slut?”

“Exactly bro.”

I shoot my scenes, grab some dinner (alone) and head back to the studio (alone) and crash, cause I’m tired and kinda grumpy.

Wednesday: Phoebe’s back, this time for the Erin Moore alter-ego site Ruth Blackwell; after we wrap, we jump in the van and head to my favorite seedy adult bookshop for a Gloryhole scene. I’m excited cause some filthy perv’s drilled an ARM HOLE in the wall, so now they can fondle as well as get sucked off…like getting sucked off wasn’t enough.

Phoebe stuck around and got some jizz on her glasses, too. Actually, it went everywhere, including her glasses.

As I wrap from that, Delilah Strong calls. She’s hurting, both physcially and metaphorically. She has no money, and some big-dicked MoFo drilled her in the cakes so hard recently, she broke her butthole. It hurt so much (and I won’t talk about it bleeding cause that’s kinda gross) that she finally went to the doctor…and doctor’s orders: no more sex of any kind until your bunghole is all healed up.

Delilah: “Do you have anything I can do that doesn’t require getting fucked?”

Of course I do, my love.

Delilah: “Can I come over and do it now?”

Of course you can, my love.

The result: a ManoJob and oh, guess what? She got some jizz on her glasses, too.

Then I rush off to the airport to pick up Spring Thomas. From there I rush to one of my very favorite restaurants in LA: House of Pies. MMMMMMmmmmm. House of Pies. I was a good boy, though, cause I’m trying to lose a couple pounds…so I went with the Cobb Salad. And a slice of strawberry pie.

Since it’s a fruit-based pie, it’s good for me, right?

Then I drive ST around town cause there’s some sort of fucked up convention in town, and all the hotels are booked. I finally find one. It’s midnight, I’m tired and kinda grumpy, so after ST checks into her room, I drive back to the studio and crash.

Thursday: ST’s in town. But somehow, I think you know this story already.

Afterwards, I was tired and grumpy, so I crashed.

Friday: Two more for Blacks on Blondes – Sandra Romaine in the morning, then Megan Jones for my afternoon scene. And I’m gonna be honest here when I tell you Chico Wang’s filthy mind has kinda of rubbed off on my own, so I’m starting to copy his multiple-pop thing in my scenes. That is to say, as my female talent fucks my male talent, out of nowhere I have 3 guys walk on the set and just blow a load in the girl’s face. No rhyme, no reason. I tell my load dumpers to just step up to the plate and unload whenever they please. Then, they are free to leave. Which isn’t exactly what Chico does, but it’s close enough to say I’m stealing his idea. Add a few cuckolds in the mix, and I’m thinking the members at Blacks on Blondes should stay happy…and no, Chico doesn’t use cuckolds, so I guess that makes me kinda original, right?

I’d like to say right now that Sandra Romain is one of the craziest, wildest chicks I’ve ever shot. Why not throw in that Megan Jones shows up with her period in tow, so we had to improvise on ways to clog that up…she went with something she called “inserts” but they didn’t work, so I showed her my make-up sponge trick. No more blood, and we’re golden.

Later, it’s dinner with Cherry Poppens, who lent me a hand throughout the day. Afterwards, we stopped at this newstand in West Hollywood and laughed at the gay magazines.

After saying bye to Cherry in the parking lot (peck on the cheek and a hug) I’m back up in the studio, to pack all my gear. And more editing. I mean it’s not a work day unless you clock at least 12 hours, right? Suddenly, I notice I’m tired and grumpy.

Saturday: Up at 7 to check on some FTP uploads and drag my gear down to my car. I’ll be home in 6 hours, unless I stop at the Bose outlet store near Palm Springs to blow some of the money I made this week.

Funny how blowing money makes me less grumpy.

I got my first real “break” shooting porn stars and people who are professionals in this business from The Producer. His big site at the time was Blacks On Blondes.

Still is.

With Dogfart running the show, The Producer rented a mansion. If you’ve read some of my past blogs, I speak of this place fondly as “Dogfart’s Secret Mansion.”

We made a helluva lot of porn there; some of it was good, some of it bad, and some of it was ugly. Here’s a little taste for ya.

Michelle Raven. Tony Everready and her had something going, but I was never really sure what exactly that was. I always liked Michelle. A total pro. Ask her to bang 5 brothers? Not a problem. Ask her to do something crazy? Not a problem. I think, somewhere on the internet, there exists a scene in which she snorts cum like it’s cocaine. Off a mirror. Up her nose. And nope, we didn’t shoot it.

I don’t remember this poor girl’s name. I do remember the scene well. She had to read some poetry. It was a poem on black dick. It was a funny poem, that I remember. I also remember when Byron Long pulled his dick out, she started to cry. I mean real tears. She wanted to stop before we really even started. She wasn’t used to big dick, and she was afraid it was going to hurt. So we all took a break. I honestly thought we were done for the day. But guess what? She tried it out off camera, and liked it. So we ended up shooting the scene. Nice, huh?

Hailey. A total amateur girl. Now you see her, now you don’t. She was from my hometown, and I met her there, and she needed work, so you know the story. I didn’t see her for months afterward…and then one day she called. Looking for more work. I directed her to one of the few reputable agencies in LA, and they saw this scene, and flew her out. When she walked off the plane she weighed like 100 pounds more than she did when we shot her. So they sent her home.

I must be getting old. I can’t remember anyone’s names anymore, I swear. I think this girl called herself Stacey. She was barely legal. Like just out of high school, and I think she came down from somewhere up north, and she was another one of these now-you-see-her-now-you-don’ts. She did a great scene, however, afterward, she had a problem pulling out all of the make-up sponges in her pussy. I know what you’re thinking…what the fuck?! Well, why let something like a period keep you from making your money? Clog the pussy with the pie-shaped make-up sponges you get a Walgreen’s, then earn your money. Makes sense, right? Anyway, S.S., one of the directors, “helped” her pull them all out later, in his room.

Porn Star Friday has a “F” tattooed above her pussy. F for Friday! She’s like 5 feet tall, and an ex-gymnast. Wow, what a hardbody. And she loved black guys. This scene went great. I think Friday played a real estate agent, showing a mansion to a bunch of black guys so they could rent it for a party. Do I need to tell you how the story ends?

Here’s one of my first – and only – acting roles for Blacks On Blondes. That’s right, I acted. No, I didn’t fuck. I acted. Serious. My poor “niece” had a problem. A problem with black guys. She loved them, and I was on a mission to stop it…so, just like when my dad caught me somking a cigar and made me smoke 5 in a row as punishment, I had my niece do a bunch a black guys, so she’d get sick of them, and never want do a black guy again. Um, I don’t think it worked.

I think I’ll end this blog entry with Aurora Snow, and one of her very first scenes. It might be one of her first interracial scenes. I can’t be sure, but I’d definately say, like, one of her first 5 IR scenes. She was 18. Totally new. Totally great. And I see she’s bookable again, but I don’t think she works with black guys anymore.

Wonder if I have a shot at a Manojob?

We were living in Dogfart’s Secret Mansion when The Producer called us into his room. He had an idea for a brand new website, and he wanted our feedback.

It was me, S.S., and Dogfart. Justin Timberlakefeelsyourpain was rarely involved in meetings like this.

“I just bought the domain gloryhole.com,” The Producer said. “It costs me a lot of money, but I think I’ve really got something here. How do you guys feel about shooting gloryhole scenes?”

I knew a thing or two about gloryholes. I know I blogged this once…when I was studying in college, and I needed to make a poopie, and I was at the University Library, and I usually don’t drop a duece away from my house, but I thought I was gonna make boom boom in my pants, so I went ahead and went, and when I jumped into the stall, there were holes drilled into the wall, and I thought what the fuck is this? cause I had no idea what those holes were in the stall for, and I made boom boom and left and never thought about it again.

That was 1984.

It’s 2003, and The Producer wants my input on Gloryholes?

Hell no I’m not shooting gay content. I told this to the producer, straight up.

But The Producer has a new twist on things. He wants to take something very very gay and make it straight. Well, as straight as something like a gloryhole can be. “Now listen: I have some privy information on a gloryhole location. Shit, we got the girls here. Put them in the van, drive them to the hole, and let’s give them some more money to make.”

Did it matter that most of these places are in shitty neighborhoods? Or that they’re gross and filthy and dirty?

The Producer drove us up to – of all places – Oxnard California, the location of some of our earliest gloryole scenes.

Not when you’re paying the girls beyond their rate to blow an anonymous dick. And guess what? Not in the history of HIV has there been one documented case of HIV transmission via a BJ.

I’m 100% serious. Go look it up yourself.

So there you have it. Something I would have never thought of turns into a website. This is why I’m not a wealthy porno producer, and just a simpleton camera man. But things may change soon…

Anyway, here’s some fun gloryhole galleries, with commentary from the very dude who shot them! Fun!!

(Oh, by the way…I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that I’ve shot every single one of the nearly 150 gloryhole scenes. Some of them Dogfart helped me with, but for the last year or so, I’ve been flying solo…with the exception of a lookout or two…cops are no fun!)

Ouch. My arm hurts from patting myself on the back here. So I’ll quit and show you some “Ghole” madness.

1) Mariah Cherry. In the biz one day, out the next. I think she hailed from the Bay Area…ah! Beautiful San Francisco, land of many, many gloryholes I’m sure. Mariah was cool. I think I was second camera for a Blacks on Blondes shoot with her in it, but now I don’t remember. I do think she had one of the all-time great porno names…and that’s saying a lot.

2) Brittney Madison. RIP. Poor girl…it made me so sad to hear her friend drove off a cliff near Vegas, her hometown. I mean, is it totally tasteless so even show her now that she’s passed? I’d like to hear some comments on this. My take is she’s cool with it, cause she’s in Heaven now, where all porno girls go when they die. I’m fucking serious, too. They all go to Heaven.

3) I forget this kooky girl’s name, but boy, she was kooky. That’s kooky with a k.

4) Dasha! Now Lucious Lopez! She’s pretty popular now among porno geek-fans everywhere. I’m a porno geek fan, too…trust me. I am.

5) Sophie D. My honey. I really like Sophie. She’s such a sport. And she’s a geniune black cock slut. Don’t believe me? Just ask her sometime.

So there you have it…some gloryhole fun, just cause…um, just cause I can?

My producer wanted a unique Spring Thomas scene, mainly because he found a new girl who might end up with her own site, and he wanted the new girl to work with Spring and see if she had what it took to do be in this line of work. His suggestion for the new girl’s porno “test”?

A 10 man cum bang.

Sure, a unique scene, but honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to shooting it. Is it OK to admit I was nervous? The biggest scene I shot, as far as talent’s concerned, was a 6-on-1 interracial gangbang, and that was a few years earlier. And we shot tons of 5 and 6-on-1’s at Dogfart’s secret mansion, but I was second camera on each and every one of those shoots.

Plus, I don’t think I need to tell you that if anyone throws 10 horny dudes in a room with a couple chicks, things are bound to get out of hand. There’s other factors, too. The one that never left the back of my mind was the one-upmanship that was bound to go down. See, these dudes know I’m booking all of them for scenes, so this whole cumbang would, in reality, turn into an “audition”, so to speak, in which each would try to out-do the other; hence, they’d be securing more work from me in the future. There were times at the Secret Mansion where, say, someone like a Tony Everready would step on some newcomer’s foot to in an attempt to throw him off his game…and that lead to shoving and pushing and near fistfights. (Note: Tony never behaved like that…I’m just using his name to make my example seem so very real).

Now, let’s throw in another factor: the new girl, Candy Rocks. She’s never done anything remotely close to this type of scene, which meant if the shit hit the fans, anything could potentially go down. I didn’t need crybabies and/or screaming on my set.

Like I said…I wasn’t looking forward to shooting it…or booking it, really, cause you know what happens when you add more people to the party, right? There’s no shows, and late shows, and one or two drag a long a friend to watch…and the next thing you know, it’s chaos.

Funny thing was, booking it was a piece of cake. A call here, a call there, then ask a few to bring a friend who’s tested talent (and not a gawker) and then next thing you know, I’ve got a 10 man cum bang booked. But would they all show? And on time?

So here’s what I planned – a one on one with Spring and a dude who I knew could pull off a scene where 9 dudes are standing around, watching this one dude fuck Spring. And Spring would “convert” Candy Rocks by letting the other 9 dudes unload directly into Candy’s face, after our man unloads in Spring’s face.

Let me make this perfectly clear: booking our main man would not be an easy task. See…this one dude who would, in a sense, “carry” the scene, had to be a showman. Someone truly horny that wouldn’t give a fuck if 100 people showed up to watch him fuck Spring Thomas. There’s lots of dudes that won’t take a job if there’s more than a dude or two in the same scene. So our main man needed to be “special”, so to speak. A real perv. Someone who might get off on sniffing a girl’s butthole, or her feet, for example. A perv’s perv.

Enter Brian Pumper.

Now, managing a room full of black dudes is no easy task. A scenario would have to be laid down – a scenario I expected each of them to follow. In addition, menial work was required as well: getting paperwork filed, making copies of ID’s, making sure all the paperwork was filled out correctly…that sort of thing. In other words, a P.A. (production assistant). But it couldn’t just be any PA…it would have to be someone familiar with a porno set, and horny dudes, and all that comes with such a thing.

Enter Cherry Poppins.

Now, what if any of our team of nine had some sort of problem performing? It takes a special dude to drop a load on a girl’s face in front of a bunch of other dudes…especially if you’re number 6 or 7, and the girl’s dripping in other peoples’ jizz. Plus, I made it perfectly clear to both Spring Thomas and Candy Rocks that while they were expected to lend a helping hand, they weren’t really required to pay special attention to any one of the 9 man team for any real length of time.

In other words, what I needed was a fluffer…a porno term for a girl who isn’t in the scene, and never will be in the scene, but who stays off camera and sucks and fucks anyone having any kind of problem performing…whether it be getting hard or blowing a nut. And let me tell you, fluffers don’t just fall out of the sky. There’s not a Fluffer Tree in Los Angeles where you’d go pick one and take her with you to set. Fluffers don’t hang out in front of the local Home Depot store either, waiting for work. For a long time I thought a fluffer was something akin to urban legend, but I finally discovered they existed. Not many…but a few. A fluffer is a girl who’s insatiable…that loves sex more than most dudes. Doesn’t really need to be in front of the camera, cause, well…they’re fluffing. In other words, a whore’s whore.

Enter Ava Devine.

She was working down the hall with a buddy of mine, and her shoot was finishing up, so as the guys were filling out their paperwork, I asked if they would like it if I tried to hire Ava Devine to fluff.

Cheers erupted.

I made one thing very clear: IF Ava would take the job, there would be no creepy behavior tolerated. I told them all, point blank, that if anyone did anything Ava didn’t allow, or found creepy, I’d be forced to make them leave set.

Lefty spoke up: “Dude! Eva loves creeps!”

We all laughed, and I left set and walked down the hall to approach Eva about the fluffer position.

“How much does it pay?”

“Um, I dunno, I’ve never hired a fluffer before. How much do you want?”

“Three hundred,” Ava said.

“I’ll pay you $350. And I promise none of them will act creepy.”

Ava smiled, accepted my counter offer, and said, “But I like it when they’re creepy.”

Well, there you go. I had my lead man, Brian Pumper, my two gals, Spring and Candy, and my nine load dumpers, and a fluffer.

Do I have to tell you there was a buzz on set before we started rolling I’ve never really felt before? Or that my make-up artist, who’s been on all sorts of porno sets in the past where all sorts of nutty things went down got scared, asked to leave, and requested that I walk her out past our horny men? Even Spring admitted to being nervous.

Then, we rolled tape. No problems, anywhere or anytime. All the dudes did exactly what I asked, and Pumper did his job superbly, and after he was done, the dudes did their job superbly. And when Ava Devine walked on set, in her bright red garters and high heels, my guys lost their minds…however, most had already lost their loads, as this turned out to be one smooth cum bang. No frantic jacking in a dark corner for anyone. I mean after Pumper pounded Spring silly, each and every one of these cats stepped up to the plate and unloaded into Candy’s pie-hole. It was amazing.

Spring did great! (She did more than I asked.)

Candy did great! (What a cummy mess, and even when Burning Eye set in, she hung tough.)

Pumper did great! (Held wood from start to end.)

The dudes? Great! (Jack Pow!)

Pure porn as porn should be – filthy and depraved and dirty and shocking. Something you’d be ashamed to admit to actually watching.

And guess what? Ava really wasn’t needed, except in one instance. A newbie had a needed a little bit of help, but not that much really…especially after Ava had her way with him.

I learned a lot that day. The biggest lesson came in my editing bay, and boy was I pissed. The camera moved faster than I would have liked, and it was a bit shakier than normal due to my stupid error of trying to capture everything that went down. I chased the action too much, instead of just taking a few steps back, taking a deep breath, and realizing there was no way I was going to get it all; however, I think I did a great job getting the cum shots on tape, as my camera kept steady and sure for each and every money shot. And that’s the most important part, right? I mean, they don’t call it the money shot for nothin’.

So I guess this means I’ve got another notch in my belt, and, more importantly, I know better exactly what to do next time. So I’m thinking Blacks On Blondes needs a few of these…and maybe do a few more on Spring’s site, too.

Too bad a cum bang wouldn’t work in a Glory Hole…or, just maybe, it would?

Since I blogged her yesterday, let’s talk about the Leili Yang Spunkmouth scene. Might as well. Cause it was a great scene. Superb amatuer porn, if I say so myself.

I’m not just saying that cause I shot it.

Big Dick Nikel pounded her silly. It was March, I had just rented my little porn studio in the heart of the ghetto, and things looked promising. I loved my ghetto studio. It was dirty and raunchy and outside Mexicans were everywhere. I especially liked it when I was shooting porn while the little cholos threw dirt clods at my window…and when I stormed out they’d haul ass, laughing.

When I shut the door, I laughed too.

The problem was swamp cooling. If you don’t live in Arizona, you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. So let me explain: swamp cooling is the ghetto way of making your ghetto apartment ghettofied. It’s simple, really. Water blows through some sponge-like material, and it gets cold, and as long as the dew point is below 35 (or so) your ghetto apartment stays nice and cool. As one of my previous slumlords put it – “damn chilly most of the time!”

Swamp coolers don’t work when the dew point rises…so forget about “damn chilly” in August or September – our monsoon season. And the day I shot Leili it was actually hot – and the dew point was way up there. In other words, we were all sweating like pigs.

Don’t get me wrong – sweating like pigs during a sex scene is fuckin’ hot; in fact, in the future I think I’m gonna blow a whole bunch of heat on people while I’m shooting them fucking just so they sweat all over the place.

Leili Yang was diggin’ it, cause she’s cool and laid back and down for just about anything naughty.

Big Dick Nikel didn’t like it. Not one bit. In fact, he got grumpy. At one point during the scene he stopped, gave me the stink-eye, took his hand and wiped his brow, then flung his sweat all over my wall.

OK – he’s a bit uptight. I’m going to forget he just threw his grimy, dirty sweat all over my pretty new ghetto apartment and just go with it…besides, this is a hot scene…

Then Big Dick Nikel came too early, which was part of his whole schtick. I know; I had shot him a whole bunch before, and just about every time I shot him he came at least twice. It was his dumb way of showing off.

I booked him a lot cause he had a big dick, and yea, he could come more than once, and…well, that’s about it. Besides, there’s not a lot of guys in Arizona that have a big dick and can give a director mulitple pops. (There’s not a lot in LA, either). All I had to do is overlook his super-gay G-string tan lines.

Um, plus, did I mention I was just about the only director in AZ that was still shooting Dick cause he tended to bug the shit out of most everyone he ever worked for? And today would be my breaking point.

“I really don’t need two pop shots, Dick. Let’s just finish this scene so we can all get paid and go home.”

So Dick fucks her some more, pops, and pops without warning. Since it’s his second pop, it’s not as big, so to make it go a bit further, he takes some cum that’s on his finger and flicks it in a dumb attempt to get more on Leili. Problem was, he almost got some on me.

“Dude, what the fuck?!”

“Don’t even worry about it Billy. It’s not the first time my cum got on you.” Then, he turned and walked into my bathroom.

My first reaction was to take him down and punch his mouth loose. But he was still nude, and those ridiculous tan lines were directly in my face, and his statment was so fucking stoopid (yea, stoopid with two “o’s” stoopid) I decided to just let it go. There was just one problem…Leili.

I look at Leili, and she’s looking back at me. She’s giving me the oh, I get it…you guys must be gay look.

“Leili…I swear on every single dead person in my family that fucker’s jizz has never touched any part of my body – on purpose or on accident.” (Which was a really dumb thing to say, because somehow it implies that yes, we’ve tried in the past, but gosh darn it, Big Dick Nikel has never splooged on me.)

I’m not sure Leili is buying it, but it’s true, and I said it with such conviction that, looking back at it now, I think she believed me.

I hope she believed me.

Cause it’s true. Besides, getting another dude’s cum on you is fucking gay, and no way am I gay.

Anyway, Big Dick was just being a big dick. He was pissed cause he couldn’t fuck Leili the exact way he wanted to fuck her, and instead of praising the scurvy motherfucker for a two-load scene, I kinda got down on him. And when he walked out of the bathroom, I handed him his check, thanked him, and that’s the last time I ever booked him again.

When I fire talent, I just let them go. I don’t say a word. I smile, and say bye, and that’s that. I don’t answer their calls, and I don’t return their voice mails. I just let it all go.

Problem was, Dick wasn’t letting it go. He’s the best porno star ever to come from the great state of Arizona, damnit, and he wasn’t going down without a fight. He kept up with the calls…first pretending like everything was OK, and then apologizing for his bad behavior, and then leaving drunken 1 am voice mails about how pissed he is that I won’t hire him and blahblahblahblah blah.

Bladdy-blah-blah, bladda bladda blah.

I finally answered one of his calls, and I explained to him how I didn’t appreciate what he said in front of Leili, and I told him that was that, and “best of luck to you!” and he apologized again and hung up.

Just when I thought I was all done with him, Big Dick Nikel called one last time, about a week later. 2 am. Drunk. Told me about moving to Hawaii with some MILF he met, and how rich she is, and how his life is going to be so much better, and how he’s gonna make more money than Spunkmouth, and more money than I’ll ever make, and he wished me luck, and then, finally, he hung up.

Remembering this all again, and writing all about it, makes me wanna go out and buy a Tazer Gun.

I don’t know why I haven’t already.