Chico Wang is a pal.

For 3 1/2 years he’s been a director for the Anabolic / Diabolic folks, shooting DVD titles like Lewd Conduct, Spring Chickens, Mouth to Mouth, Down the Hatch, No Swallowing Allowed, Gang Bang Auditions, and Unnatural Sex (among others), and, as far as I’m concerned, he’s an innovator in as far as gonzo style porno directing is concerned. He’s also got a warped sense of humor I find purely entertaining, and in Porno Land, it seems either you love Chico — or you hate him.

I’m a Chico Wang fan.

So the other day I swing by Chico’s new shoot house. In Porno Land, a “shoot house” is just that…nothing more than a large set for making dirty movies. They’re usually leased for six months, and in those six months nothing but perverse, filthy things happen. Chico’s houses are some of the dirtiest in town, and I say this both literally and figuratively.

Think literal as in spent condoms, beer bottles, toilet paper, stale food, and various unidentifiable trash littering the floor, and the largest DNA stains you’ve ever seen on the couches people actually sit in.

Think figuratively as in Ancient Greek perversions, as in vomitoriums and sodomy. Or Ancient Rome, as in vomitoriums and sodomy. Or modern-day Las Vegas, as in vomitoriums and sodomy.

Anyways, as we’re talking about all things porno, Chico’s phone rings. It’s Stephanie Cane, and she’s got a girlfriend who wants very badly to be a porn star. Her name is Kelly Skyler, and she just handed her paperwork into a porno modeling agency, and she’s ready to work.

I looked at Chico. He looked at me. “You want her for Spunkmouth?”

“It’s where porn newbies get facialized, so it makes nothing but pure sense,” I said.

“Bring her over here right now!” Chico screamed. He screamed cause he had been drinking, and he uses his outside voice when he’s drunk.

I think this surprised Stephanie. Maybe not. I mean the immediate job…not the loud voice.

When they walked through the door, I knew it was time to roll tape. I turned to Chico. “Dude, lemme borrow your cameras and lights?”

Chico nodded.

“I’m calling load dumpers,” I said.

Chico agreed. “Call the Mopes!”

“You wanna shoot it?” I asked. “Cause I’m kinda done working for the day, and I’d like to just sit back and watch you direct.”

Chico agreed.

Kelly Skyler was confused. She wanted to know what was going to happen to her, and how much she was going to get paid, and we both told Kelly we weren’t sure what was going to happen exactly, or how much she was going to get paid exactly…but she’d be OK.

Stephanie Crane assured her she’d be OK, and Kelly was buying it…to a degree. (And you know what? At the end of the night, she was OK. But I’m getting ahead of myself).

Soon, in addition to the mopes, porn whores were milling about. They were milling about cause there’s always porn whores hanging out at Chico’s shoot houses, cause that’s where the money is…and like blood hounds sniffing out criminals, porn whores can sniff out where the money is.

Hung Lo was immediately cast as the male talent for this scene, cause who better to fuck a porn newbie than the world’s first Chinese male porn star, and the load dumpers where there to spice things up a bit, cause that’s their function in life. Or porn. Or both.

I asked Chico, “How about we change shit up a bit and have The Load Dumpers dump first, and then have Hung Lo fuck her?”

Usually the porn whore gets fucked first, and the the Dumpers step in…but lately I’ve been a fan of having the girl get fucked while she’s already coated in jizz.

Just like they did in Ancient Rome. Or was it Greece? Or Vegas??

Chico gave it the thumbs up, and after Face Blaster and Tony Swan dumped on her, Hung Lo stepped up to the plate. And struck out.

Which is to say there was a lack of wood.

In Hung Lo’s defense, there was some wood. But Chico’s a very strict director, and unless there’s Full Wood, then, in Chico’s eyes, there’s No Wood at all.

Did I mention the porn whores milling about the house were now part of the scene? They were there to offer Kelly Skyler up to Hung Lo and Face Blaster and Tony Swan, and they cheered throughout all the debauchery and deprivation.

I think that fucked with Hung Lo’s wood a bit. I know it woulda fucked with mine. And since Chico had a few beers in him, he was ruthless: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HUNG LO!? YOU CALL THAT WOOD!? DO I NEED TO GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL JAMES DEEN IN HERE?!?

So, in addition to the porno whores cheering on their girl, Hung Lo got to deal with Chico’s screaming interrogation.

And you thought you wanted to be a porn star.

Kelly Skyler was in a state of confusion. Can you blame her? The cum was drying on her face, and she wasn’t sure what was going to happen next.

I knew Hung Lo was doomed, and as I stood there, shaking my head, cause I had no idea what was going to happen, either.

Just then the front door swung open, and in walked Julius and Alex Gonz…both male talent, and both ready to step in for poor Hung Lo.

But Kelly won’t do black guys, so Alex Gonz got the honor to be the last one to glaze our porn newbie’s face.

Scene wrap. Clean up. Pay everyone.

After all the cheering and cum shots, the sucking and jerking, the yelling and confusion and Hung Lo’s disappointment, I walked out of there somewhat bewildered. But that’s happened to me more than once while leaving a Chico Wang Shoot House, and that’s why I’m heading back there tomorrow night.

And finally, it appears Kelly Skyler’s career as a porn whore started and ended that night, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

For the first time that I can remember, I went out drinking with co-workers: Ruth Blackwell, Cherry Poppens, and a new girl on the Porno Circuit, Alyssa Jordan.

First, a few words about Alyssa: she’s 26, and she looks like she’s barely-legal cause she’s in braces; I shot her that day in her very first interracial scene for Blacks on Blondes, right after we got back from the filthy dirty gloryhole; she doesn’t have a lot of friends in Porno Land yet cause she just moved here from far away, and she’s just as fucked up as the rest of us…but of course I say that in a good way.

After we wrapped, we headed to Fred 62, my very favorite place to eat dinner right now, and then strolled down to The Dresden, a bar made popular from the movie “Swingers”. We listened to Marty and Elayne sing funky, jazzed up versions of “Muskrat Love” and “My Funny Valentine”, drank Key Lime martinis, and listened to this kooky regular named George tell us about his life, which mainly consisted of staving off suicide one day at a time.

We grew tired of George, and Marty and Elayne went on break, so we walked down the block to a total dive bar and drank more.

Lots more.

Well…not all of us. I was drinking a lot, but for me, anything after a 3rd beer is a lot; Cherry’s a natural drunk; Ruth was throwing them back for sure; Alyssa had an audition the next morning and was taking it easy….well, easier than we were.

On our little walk to the dive bar, Ruth Blackwell decided to be Ruth Blackwell and spit in my mouth as we strolled down the sidewalk. I was drunk enough not to care much, either, so I let her. I kinda enjoyed it, as a matter of fact, which probably means there’s something terribly wrong with me.

As we crossed the street and headed for the dive bar, I decided to grope Alyssa. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was…cause when I felt her up, I felt what had to be the wettest pair of panties I’ve ever felt in my life.

Wet. As in she just pissed her pants wet.

I don’t recall asking her if she actually did piss her pants, but I do recall she told me her pussy is that wet “all the time”.

Wet pussies and alcohol seem to trigger my pervy-creepy side, and suddenly I got a total boner, and, to make a long story short, proceeded to finger Alyssa’s soaking wet twat at the bar as we drank some more.

Which didn’t seem to bother Alyssa at all.

Ever try to carry on a normal conversation at a bar while fingered the girl you’re talking to? While watching her eyes roll up in to the back of her head? While people are all around, drinking and laughing and having a good time?

“Your panties are getting in my way,” I said. “Please go do the ladies’ room and take them off.”

(Note the appropriate place for the apostrophe in “ladies’ room” please).

“No,” she said.

(Note the lack of an exclamation point after her reply, so we all know what that means.)

“Get into that fucking bathroom and peel off those dripping wet panties and get back here right away!”

(Do I really have to talk about punctuation any more?)

Which is to say she got up and walked directly into the ladies’ room, and came back immediately and sat down right next to me, and we continued our nice, normal conversation as Cherry Poppens watched.

But we all grew bored after a few minutes, so Alyssa went to flirt with a “cute boy” at the end of the bar as Cherry and I had more quality conversation:

“Go piss in your beer bottle and bring it back to me. I want to drink it,” Cherry said.

“Right away, my love,” I said, then pecked her on the cheek.

And I did.

And she did…but first she performed fellatio on the beer bottle, then took a big gulp of my piss, and then spit it right into my face.

My Piss.

My Face.

Then, a tap on my shoulder.

It was Suicide George, from The Dresden. He wanted to talk to us. He was lonely. He wanted to “flirt with porn stars”, too, and tell us about his problems, and after he told us about his life, and how he’s “between suicides” each and every day, I asked Suicide George if he’d like Cherry Poppens to spit in his face.

“Um OK,” mumbled Suicide George.

Cherry smiled and turned Suicide George’s face into a target, and he enjoyed each and every loogie Cherry served up.

We closed that bar down.

We said bye to Suicide George as he stumbled home, and I still smelled like piss, even though my shirt was dry, and we all walked all the way back to my car, which really wasn’t all that far at all, and Cherry tried a number of times to jam her finger up my ass, which isn’t a very appropriate thing to do, especially on a public sidewalk.

I booked Jayna Oso for a Blacks on Blondes scene and a trip to the Gloryhole.

Jayna’s been in the business for a while and has quite a name. I wouldn’t go as far as say she’s a “porn star”, but my criteria for porn star status is tough; there’s a lot of girls calling themselves stars, but until their name transcends the adult entertainment business, I’ll call them porno girls.

Porn Whores.

That sort of thing.

I dunno why I hadn’t booked Jayna, cause she’s hot, and I heard she gives a great scene. And when she showed up, I was kinda kicking myself for not booking her sooner.

But it turns out I had.

Or SS had.

Or Dogfart.

Someone did, cause a long time ago, when we were living in Dogfart’s secret mansion, Jayna Oso found her way up to the Mansion.

But she wasn’t calling herself Jayna Oso then. But I’ll get to that in a second.

When I was going over the scenes with Jayna, and I told her we were getting into the white van to head out to the newest gloryhole discovery at my favorite adult bookstore, Jayna said, “I’ve done a gloryhole before. For the Blacks on Blondes guys.”

I looked up at her. “That’s impossible. I’ve shot each and every one of these scenes, and I never booked you.”

Jayna kinda looked at me like she said something she shouldn’t have said. Turns out she might have. Cause, for a few months a long time ago, Jayna wasn’t Jayna…she was Malaysia.

And I did shoot Malaysia. In a Gloryhole. And I think SS or Dogfart shot her for Blacks On Blondes. I was running second camera back then, and I don’t remember her Blacks On Blondes scene…but I remember her Gloryhole.

“Well, I haven’t used that name for a long time. Not a lot of people know about it. I was Malaysia for a couple months, then I quit for a while, and then I came back as Jayna Oso.”

Now what do I do? I like to shoot as many different girls as I can. Which isn’t to say I don’t invite girls back to my sets, cause I do…a lot. So we took the trip to the gloryhole, and, afterward, Tone Capone came over and fucked Jayna Oso’s ass over a toilet in my studio.

I gotta say this – Jayna is way hotter than Malaysia ever was.

I took a class today and learned the fine art of Polaroid transfers and emulsion rubs. I like taking art classes, if, for any other reason, just to clear my head of the filth I create as a smut peddler.

As I was making my Polaroid transfer, the teacher was blabbing about something, and then she said, “not to change the subject, but I was listening to NPR today…”

I dunno if you’ve ever sat through an art class, but all the people who take them are NPR junkies, so I really didn’t pay attention to her. I was focusing on my transfer, but what she said next caught me by surprise.

“NPR said this weekend there’s something going on in Las Vegas. Do you guys know what they were talking about?”

There were three of us in class, making Polaroid transfers, and they other ladies were 50, maybe 55 years old, and they had no idea what was going on in Las Vegas this weekend.

I knew what was going on in Vegas.

“Um, well…” she stammered. “The adult entertainment industry was having their national convention this weekend.”

One of the ladies said, “What’s that mean? Adult entertainment?”

Suddenly, this very weird vibe feel over the room. And no one answered her…until I did.

“I think they’re talking about the porn industry.” I said it in this way that would have made you laugh. I had to keep from laughing, anyway.

It’s hard, at times, being a pornographer. My immediate family knows what I do for a living, and they don’t mind. Once you get to grandma, and aunts and uncles, and cousins…well, they don’t know. And when I say it’s hard being in my business, it’s hard cause I’m not a liar. Lying really isn’t part of my nature. Of course I’ve lied…but it isn’t something I do on any kind of consistent basis…until, say, it’s Thanksgiving, and my grammy says something like, “tell me, Billy, how’s your work going?”

The table goes silent, and all eyes turn to me.

I could say something like, “well, Grammy…I’ve hard a week. I tried to shoot a double anal scene with Hillary Scott, and it just didn’t happen. Then, Hillary got kinda upset, and she blamed the black guys, and the black guys blamed her, and even though the scene got shot, it coulda been better. Then I had four whores flake on me for a trip to the gloryhole, and during a Spunkmouth shoot with Bree Olson, one of the load dumpers hurt himself on the basketball court and couldn’t dump a load.”

Instead, I lie, and I tell her things are great. Most of my family thinks I’m a “web guy” and when they press me as to what I do, I’ll say something fancy like, “I offer hosting solutions,” and if they press me further, I’ll talk about “server-side apps” and “design work” and “php coding”.

That usually shuts them up.

Anyways, I said it again. “They’re talking about the porn industry,” and the three ladies looked at me, and one of them said, “Oh my home!”

Oh my home? What does that mean, exactly? I wanted to ask her, but I didn’t, and thinking about it now, I think it was a nice way of saying “Oh my hell!”

Then the teacher chimed in. “They say the porno industry makes more money than football, basketball, and baseball combined!”

I’ve heard that before, and I don’t agree with it. I mean, if we’re making all this money, where is it? Cause I ain’t rich, that’s for sure.

The vibe was still pretty weird, and one of the ladies simply changed the subject. “What do you think about Bush’s speech the other night?”

I think, from now on, I’m just telling everyone what I do for a living. I don’t give a shit anymore.

Did I ever mention the time I went to Paris? And walked into a dirty bookstore? It’s amazing what was legal over there, and on the shelves, ready to buy: chicks doing horses and dogs (legal!); movies with 16 and 17 year old girls (legal!); pooping and pissing movies (legal!); and it seems each weird kink is really popular in certain countries.

Germans love to use each other like a toilet. I forget who loves the barnyard flicks. And it appears everyone in Europe loves 16 year old girls. And we all know the Japanese love their bukkake.

I didn’t know this until recently, but Japanese porn stars — the female talent — are called “AV Idols”. I can’t remember why.

My Actor Pal loves the AV Idols. He’s one of those dudes who obsesses on Asian girls. By the way, I can no longer refer to my actor pal as anything but “Actor Pal” due to a “moral clause” in his contract with the studio; he can’t be associated with anything having to do with the P Word.

Anyways, Actor Pal knows all about AV Idols. He’s the one who defined the term for me, and he says that in Japan, they’re very popular. And they’re not looked down upon, like porn stars can be here in the US. Actor Pal also tells me the Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) runs all the porn in Japan, and the dudes in the Yakuza are all tatted up, but none of the dudes here in LA had any tats on them whatsoever. In fact, the local translator confirmed none of the Japanese guys here are Yakuza.

Japanese porn is kooky. With a K.

Noah, my editor, watches it a lot, and he showed me some. The best was a flick called “Sex Truck Fully Open” (this is a translation, of course) and it featured three AV Idols and three dudes driving around Tokyo in a large truck…the kind of truck you’d use to move a houseful of furninture. As they drove around the city, they’d do all sorts of naughty things in the truck, right in the middle of traffic. And every once in a while, they’d show some building, superimposed in the upper right corner of the screen.

The only thing we could think of is those were the buildings they were driving by as the did The Naughty.

Foreplay only while driving in the truck, and it went on for about 45 minutes — no exaggeration! Imagine shooting 45 minutes of foreplay in an American porno.

Did you know Japanese censorship laws call for pixilated penises and vaginas? No naughty bits for them to see! And we thought the Bush Administration was bad.

Suddenly, the truck pulled over in front of a public park, pulled up to the curb, and parked.

Parked truck meant the end of foreplay and the start of the sex.

And right when they were really getting down, the whole side of the truck would suddenly open! The truck was totally tricked out, so, with the push of a button, its side opened. And it opened without any warning whatsoever, so everyone doing the naughty were suddenly exposed to the folks who happened to be walking through the park!

Of course the camera would focus on the startled AV Idols, as well as the equally startled spectators. The AV Idols would sheepishly continue, and the people walking the park would do a variety of things: cover their eyes and leave; pretend they didn’t see what they saw and keep walking; watch with interest; watch with disbelief; and, invariably, the ones who covered their eyes and left would return later.

They opened and closed the door, totally at random, for the next half hour or so. Finally a large crowd formed around the truck, waiting anxiously for those doors to open.

And open they did.

They opened the doors one final time, and the dudes blew their loads on the AV Idols, and everyone clapped, and then the crowd was actually invited in to the truck, where they all got to meet the stars of the show! During the AV Idol clean-up time!!

Sex Truck Fully Open. Kooky…with a K.

Hina Ohtsuka is an AV Idol. There I am, underneath her, behaving like a perv. She sure is a tiny little thing! Hina’s here to do a gang bang scene, because, from what I understand, black dudes banging the AV Idols is getting popular in Japan. Go figure…it shouldn’t be too long before there’s an Asian version of Blacks On Blondes — I’m sure it already exists.

If it was my site, I’d call it Spooks on Gooks, just to piss everyone off.