Porno Princess calls me the other day. She’s in tears. She’s broke. She has no money, which isn’t anything new for most Porno Princesses — trust me, this I know. “Do you have any work? I’ll do almost anything right now. For whatever you have to pay me.”

Another Porno Princess texts me: If you pay me $750 I will do any kind of scene you want. ANY kind.

Stunt Cock called me a week ago. He’s pissed. He’s got one of the biggest wieners in Porn Valley, but that doesn’t mean a thing anymore. After telling me, “this business has bankrupted me. Fuck porn!” he said he’s about to embark on a new career: he’s leaving for Alaska to be a fur trapper. (Yes, a fur trapper. I won’t comment beyond that).

What’s going on?

Free Internet Porn.

In addition to no more money for Porno Princess and Stunt Cock, there’s no more future work either. Which is just a dumb way of saying in the past you could live day-to-day, cause you were getting booked 5 times a week. Now some of these performers are lucky to get booked 3 times a month. And the only girls who are getting consistent work are the newbs.

Like most business, porn’s struggling. Unlike most, porn’s business model is competing against something fierce and mighty. To really complicate things, it’s a business model has changed radically in the last five years…and no one likes change.

DVD’s have pretty much vanished; online adult flourished…and now it’s all all free.

But you know that.

Imagine opening a taco stand, and a few weeks later another opens across the street. The tacos aren’t as good as yours, but they’re free. Gratis. Take ’em and leave — as many as you want.

You just left a Tube Site. Admit it. You just jacked it for free, and you probably watched a half dozen full length scenes before blowing you load, too, and you didn’t shell out a penny. You didn’t have to worry about downloading some weird codec. You didn’t have to worry about downloading a file that might be a virus. You didn’t have to give up your e-mail. No joining some creepy forum. You didn’t even have to wait for the file to fucking download. You just pulled down your pants, made sure Wifey wasn’t on her way home, pressed a play button and cranked one out. Then, you cleaned up, checked out what I have to say today, and now you’re on your way out to start your day. Or finish it. Or continue it. Whatever.

You’ve probably been doing been doing this since about 2007, too, when The Tubes starting catching on fire. Now a few of them are even ranked in the top 100 over at Alexa, and that’s huge — which you may or may not know.

Huge as in huge numbers. Huge amounts of traffic. Spread over all of them, I bet it’s a billion impressions a week. Or a weekend.

And you know they’re using their stolen, full-length clips, and you love it. You know they’re using stolen porn to sell something other than porn, which is a first. Instead of selling you more porn (why? They just fucking gave you more than you could watch), they’re selling (mostly) memberships that promise to get you laid.

This way, you won’t have to jack to porn anymore.

It’s taken about 2 years for all this to really hit home. Like I said, Tubes started catching on around the start of ’07; the DVD market started crumbling soon thereafter; now it’s hit the internet guys. Porn Valley is drying up, and fast. People are freaking out. Agencies are closing. More than 90% of the jobs are being booked by less than 10% of the companies. Rates are dropping. No one’s sure when it’ll come back — if it ever does.

Most are betting it won’t.

I always thought once the masses figure out Adult Friend Finder and The Facebook of Sex are nothing but big ol’ Sausage Fests, the Tubes would implode under their own bandwidth bills, and things would get back to normal. But after listening the The Thief ramble in that Amsterdam Coffee Shop last week. I’m not so sure.

I know what you’re thinking, too: Boo-Hoo Billy. Too bad. Join the club. I lost my job, too. Why the fuck should I pay for porn? Most of it sucks anyways, so fuck you. You’re nothing but a sleazy porno dude, so who cares? I don’t pay for music or mainstream movies either. Why should I? It’s not like I’m walking into a store and shoving DVD’s and CD’s under my shirt and walking out. They’re intangibles, and that makes them fair game. If I can’t touch it, I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

I’m not boo-hooing…just blogging.

Things are changing fast. And no one knows where it’s all heading.

There’s still people paying for music and movies. And, believe it or not, some are still paying for adult entertainment, too: the ones who want to see the girl they want to see doing the naughty things they like to watch instead of just whacking to whatever’s given to them are paying for it. Of course it’s no where near like it was before, and with the money drying up in this game, and the companies closing, and talent starting to leave what next?

Maybe everyone will just be stuck jacking to ripped DVD’s that were shot years ago.

Maybe the Tubes will implode.

Maybe Apple and Windows will develop operating systems that’ll know what you do — and don’t — pay for.

Maybe Brazzers (they’re behind the big tubes I mentioned earlier) and the rest of the Porno Thieves will Rule The World.

Maybe.

Jack Kerouac said, “…nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old…”

Amen.

I had a new guy with tons of potential fail on my set today. It’s such a shame. He’s a strapping young lad with a dick that’s about the size of your forearm and when he pops it’s like Old Faithful over at Jellystone Park…such a tremendous gusher Yogi and Boo Boo and Super Gay Park Ranger ran for cover!

Now, I’m not saying his Porno Career is over, but odds are it is.

And I wish I had a dollar each and every time some knucklehead e-mails me looking to be the next Peter North. I get maybe a half dozen of these a day.

In fact, I’m gonna go to my inbox and do some cuttin’ & pastin’ —

hi my name is tj i read your blog and you were also looking for people i must say i was very intersted thst why i wanted to join up with your company,
am 23 years of age
my date of birth is 20/09/1985
and i live in united kingdon/ east london
my contact number is 0798323—-

hello mr waston i want to be a pornstar i know u say no men i have a nice size peins im 28 birthday 12-19-80 i live in tallahassee florida i have no problenm of get up im good look and i have a nice body i just need a shot

im a male of 20 years of age birthdate is 10/25/1988 and i live in joliet ill

Wats up Billy my name is Chris and I’m 17 years old will be 18 in November but we can lie and just say im 18 now the media won’t know unless we tell…Born 11-30-91 and heterosexual, i have a 12 inch dick so it will be easy for me to attract the best pornstar women……..PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK PLEASE!!!!!!

hey billy? im a male i just turned 18 in may i was born 5/17/1991 and im gay and i have always wanted to be in still frame porn so basicly nude modling but here in casper wyoming there is nothing that could help me and you guys are not looking for males right now and i was just writing u to see if u have any advice that i could adhear to? id even get into video porn if i had to but ya…just wondering if u have any advice that i could use. would like to hear back from you.

Hello i saw your call and it came to me as a drzeam come true bzecause for some time now i’ve been trying to be a pornstar but i never knew where and how thatnks to your offer i’ll be one.
I’m Nkongho Emmanuel from Cameroon
21 of age and a black
well build up young man
a god dimension of penis
and powersul sex engine
please get back to me

That’s just today.

And to which I reply:

Dear So and So. Sorry, I’m not looking for single males right now, but read my blog!

Your pal — Billy.

Listen all, cause here’s how it works: New male talent with big dick walks on to a porn set for the first time and kicks ass. He kicks ass cause he’s fucking new pussy, and he’s excited cause he’s finally made it to a porn set, and he’s getting paid to fuck new pussy, and Life is Good.

But during that first scene, it dawns on him that this is work. He needs to open up for the camera. He needs to put on a show. This isn’t making love with a girl in your bedroom with the lights out…this is fucking for sport in front of a bunch of people you’ve never met before in your life.

He does it again one or two more times. It’s work. Maybe he gets with a shitty director who thinks he’s Steven Spielberg. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or the lights are hot and he’s starting to sweat a whole bunch. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or he fucked his girlfriend the night before his scene and he’s lost his edge. Or the girl doesn’t like him. Or the director thinks he’s making the next Schindler’s List.

Whatever it is, Stunt Cock is now thinking about all sorts of different things except the one single thing he needs on his mind: there’s some new pussy in front of me, and I need to fuck it.

He fails.

Once he fails, there’s a cancer now in his brain. He knows if it happens once, it can happen again.

Some run to the doctor’s office; most go away forever.

Ever wonder why (before the age of Viagra) there were maybe 7 dudes in porn banging a million different girls?

Now you know.

This, too, means today no one made their money. Sure, I doled out a kill fee or two, but I lost money, and I didn’t get into this fucked up crazy biz that I love Oh! So Much! to lose money.

This is why I keep Porn Stars like Austin Taylor at my studio at all times. It’s expensive, but worth every penny.

So just rub my back a little harder, Austin…cause, as David Byrne sang so eloquently:

I can’t seem to face up to the facts.
I’m tense and nervous and I… can’t relax.
I can’t sleep, cause my bed’s on fire.
Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.

When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.

This blog’s original air date: February 26, 2006

My dick is six inches long.

I know, cause I measured it. I started measuring my wiener in, like, 8th grade, and I think I quit when I was around 20. It wasn’t a daily ritual, or even a monthly one; however, I bet I checked every six months or so.

Why was I checking?

Same reason you did: to see if the fucker got any bigger.

And no, I didn’t keep a chart, but now I kinda wish I did.

It’s OK to measure your pee-pee!

It’s not OK to lie about it.

Society has fucked up men when it comes to penis size…perhaps more than it’s fucked up women on the size of their breastuses.

I love all the liars who have “no idea” how big their dick is; they’re the same liars who have never beat off.

I’ve even had the size lie told to me on set. More than once. Spring Thomas, Size Queen Extraordinaire, has asked the male talent, on more than one occasion, about the size of their dick.

“I dunno,” they lie.

I hate to admit it, but dick size is the most important thing when it comes to porn. American society has taught us that. I’d go as far as saying that every society in the history of mankind has done the same, but I’m not a student of human sexuality, although I think I could carry a 45 minute lecture of my choice in a human sexuality class, if given the chance.

Anyway, if you’ve read my blog more than once or twice, you know I direct for Blacks On Blondes. And I’ve been on most sets as either a director or second cameraman since late ’02. And in January of ’03 we started rolling on Spring Thomas, and I shot and booked every one of those scenes. So, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

Black dudes, as a whole, are not any larger than white dudes.

I’m going to go as far as calling this fact. But before we go there, let’s take a look at the graph I ripped off from someone else’s website. I know it doesn’t take race into consideration, but it’s pretty accurate. It’s accurate cause it’s based on Alfred Kinsey’s studies. He found, after measuring something like 10,000 dicks from 1938 to 1963, that they’re usually 5 – 6 inches long.

Some are smaller, some are bigger.

(Know what else he found out? 92% of all those dudes reported they beat it, while only 62% of the ladies admitted to rubbing one out. Of all those ladies, over 80% rubbed it out using both labia and clitoral stimulation.)

Back to pee-pees: According to Gebhard and Johnson (1979), the average erect penis of males in the US is 5-7 inches and the average circumference is 4-6 inches. I only wish Gebhard and Johnson would have gone to Africa and researched dick size, cause I think they woulda found out the same thing I already know.

While booking the early Spring Thomas interracial sex movies, I actually placed an ad in Adult Friend Finder. I wasn’t shooting in Los Angeles then, but I still had to find black dudes…which I did.

Guess what?

5 to 7 inches.

We found one hung dude – Slim – and that’s about it.

And honestly, check out the Los Angeles talent pool. Once you get beyond the freaks of nature (Mandingo, Jack Napier, Shane Diesel, and Boz The Animal)…well, we’re back to 5 to 7 inches.

In fact, I can’t book a lot of the black guys running around Los Angeles calling themselves male talent, especially for Blacks On Blondes, cause The Producer is very picky about size, and, well, look back up at the chart and see what happens to the blue lines once you get past 7 inches.

I know, I know…I sound like a small-dicked, frustrated white boy.

But I’m not. Really. Just ask Kinsey.

Here’s the catch with Kinsey though. One thing I can’t find in his research, something it appears he didn’t measure, was a woman’s perception on dick size. And yea, this may sound gay, but bigger looks better, and even though most of her nerve endings are in her clit and outer labia, the perception of getting “filled up” feels better; hence, if you ain’t packing 8 inches, you’re doomed to failure in the bedroom…unless you’re a Gold Medal winner at Pussy Licking.

So here’s my final take on all this: you’re probably 5 to 7 inches long, so don’t sweat it. If you’re worried about your size, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed) and learn to eat poon (if needed).

If you’re over the mark, congrats…you cocky motherfucker…still, lose some weight (if needed), trim up those pubes (if needed), and learn to eat poon (definitely needed).

And if you’re under…well, learn to eat poon (probably not needed). Lose some weight and trim your pubes (again, if needed). Just don’t waste your money on pills or pumps or stretching devices. And whatever you do, don’t get into your Hummer (or Vette, or Macho Trans Am) and head to the doctor’s for a surgical enhancement.

Cause the only thing worse than having a small dick is having Frankenstein’s dick.

Dear Readers:

Effective immediately, I am no longer referring to the pornographic actresses I work with as “porn whores”.

Honestly, I was never comfortable with that term — even though they are.

Or seem to be.

And I used to refer to them like that — often.

(Brief humorous aside: according to Dictionary.com, a “who’re” is also a contraction of who are: Who’re the people at the next table? (Or, overheard at this year’s AVN Awards Show, “Who’re the whores at the next table?) )

Let’s face it — any use of the word “whore” is misogynistic, and in an effort to be a Truly Nice Guy (and overall Better Person), I’m removing the term “porn whore” from my vocabulary.

My first inclination was to refer to one as a “pornographic priestess”, but that would be ripping off Lennon and McCartney (most likely Lennon and not-so-much McCartney), which is totally bad juju, and even though I’ve never laid claim to The Egg Man, I have often found myself uttering “goo goo gajoob ga goo goo gajoob” — usually after some whacky behavior performed by the aforementioned.

Like it or not, from the onset of this particular blog, I shall refer to pornographic actresses as “Porno Princesses”; the singular shall be “Porno Princess”.

Sincerely yours,

(insert virtual signature here)

William J Watson
Porn Whore
(goo goo goo joob goo goo goo joob goo googoooooooooooojoob)

Check me out…burying my face into Luxury’s beautiful ebony melons. They clock in at a size GGG, and they’re as firm and soft as your mind can imagine.

Why do I like to bury my face in a pair of melons? Well, I love sex. That’s a start. I love women, too. I love melons. I love asses, too; and, in fact, if Luxury would have backed her rear end up into my face, I’d shriek in joy. Then I’d lick her butt hole. Cause I’m a pervert. A filthy fucking pervert. I love nasty, nasty things — as long as the people involved are consensual about those nasty things, and everyone’s having a good time.

Or making money.

Or both.

Cause that’s how I roll.

I’d stop short of calling myself a sex addict, although I’ve often wondered if I am. Why not take a quiz and find out, here and now? Oh hey…while I’m at it, let’s see if you’re one, too:

From Psyche Central: Answering “yes” to any of the questions below indicates that you might have a problem with sex addiction. The questions are adapted from Don’t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction by P.J. Carnes (1991).

* Do you regularly purchase sexually explicit magazines?
* Are you preoccupied with sex?
* Do you feel that your sexual behavior is abnormal?
* Does your spouse ever complain about your sexual behavior?
* Do you often feel bad about your sexual behavior?
* Do you hide aspects of your sexual behavior from your partner?
* Has your sexual behavior ever interfered with your family life?
* Have you been unable to stop your sexual behavior even though you know it’s inappropriate?

Before I got into the porno biz, I’d jerk to dirty movies about once a week. Sometimes less…sometimes more. Depended on whether or not I had a girlfriend. If I did, then less…and if I didn’t, then at least once a week. Sometimes more…but not usually.

Does that qualify me as a sex addict?

I don’t think so. But I guess you could find a specialist somewhere who would disagree.

As far as the rest of the list, I’m OK. Which is to say I none of the others pertain to me.

Well, wait. I’m a little concerned over the word “preoccupied” in the second statement. I’d need a more precise definition of “preoccupied”. Aren’t most dudes preoccupied with tits and ass and pussy? I know I was when I was 14 (or so) and, I think, up until now. But my preoccupation to sex comes from my occupation in sex, right?

Who knows.

Did I mention I love sex?

And women?

“I’m a sex addict, and I love women” — Chas Michael Michaels.

On to The Next: why am in the porno biz? Well…I’m lucky here, in as much as I can answer this question with relative certainty: if I woulda gotten tenure, I’d be there (Academia) — and not here (Splooge Land).

Which is to say when I didn’t land the coveted tenured-track position at the community college where I was teaching, I had pals in the porno biz, and they offered me a spot the day I walked out of the college with all my books in boxes…and, by the way, knowing someone in the Porno Game is the segue for about 90% of the people in porn.

Certainly for the dudes in porn, both in front of, and behind, the camera.

I do well in porn cause I am a perv, and I love sex, and I work hard, and blah blah blah on what I’ve already covered.

I also do well in porn cause I’m a creative person, and I’m not really a 9 to 5’er (although I’ve survived in that world) and, for the most part, I’ve always been intrigued (maybe “fascinated” is a better word) by people who aren’t The Norm.

I find The Norm terribly…well, normal.

And boring.

I have a lot of friends that are married, with 2.4 kids, and work in a suit and tie, and leave the house at 8, and come home at 5.30, and look forward to their weekends…and while there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, it just isn’t me.

When I was in part of The Norm, I used to watch porn, and I’d ask myself something like, “what in the world would make that cute girl do what she’s doing while someone is filming it for the whole world to see?”

Then, I’d blow a big load.

Usually all over myself. But sometimes I’d finish in the bathroom, directly into the toilet, to make clean-up a snap.

I’ve talked about this before, but usually not as specifically as I’m about to. Also, I’d like to point out I’m not about shit talkin’ Porn Whores, or Porno Dudes, or anyone, for that matter. I just think I’m a bit more qualified to answer the question I used to ask myself right before I’d launch the creamy stuff all over my big ol’ belly.

And let’s face it — you do the same fucking thing.

What in the world would make that cute girl do what she’s doing while someone is filming it for the whole world to see and then Ka-Blammo!!! you’re looking for the box of tissue to clean yourself up.

Hopefully before your wife walks in.

I’ve always said some of the most sure-fire ways to turn your daughter into a Porn Whore are: don’t pay any attention to her…or leave her altogether; cram a whole bunch of Religion down her throat on a daily basis; and live in poverty. Oh sure — there’s other factors I haven’t really covered, but don’t let anyone tell ya those aren’t The Big Three.

The Shylock — Mark Speigler — is a super agent who once told me an old joke. I knew the punchline before he told it to me, but out of respect I pretended I had never heard it.

“How do you tell when a whore is lying?”

Her lips move.

With that said, there’s two kinda of liars — pathological and compulsive — but I think the number one thing you’re dealing with when you’re dealing with a Porn Whore is Pathological Liars:

Pathological Liar: from The Truth About Deception — “A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused – it is done to get one’s way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.”

If your favorite Porn whore isn’t a pathological liar, she probably suffers from a bi-polar disorder:

Bipolar disorder: “Also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.”

Finally, they used to call them “sociopaths”, but now there’s a politically correct term: “anti-social personality disorder“, and, all they need are three of the following seven traits to be classified as such (one of my very favorite Porn Whores clocks in with all seven):

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Now, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, and go hatin’ on me. Let me make one thing perfectly clear — there’s a lot of people in porno that aren’t liars, bi-polar, or sociopaths.

Really…there is.

A lot of people in the porno game are kinda like me — they’re creative, they’re perverts, and the old 9 to 5 routine just ain’t their game.

Oh, did I mention I love sex?

And I love women?

I’m certainly not normal, either.

But, as Barbie Cummings always said, “I’m not normal, and I’m OK with that.”

I made a decision when I started this blog: no shit talkin’. And in my biz, it’s so easy. I think it’s easy in general, too, but when I sat down and started I Shoot Porn that was my decision. Actually, the decision was if I’m gonna shit talk on anyone, it would be me.

So this rant isn’t about shit talkin’ Christian. No sir’ee. I just thought I’d convey a porno story to you guys, cause that’s why you’re here, right?

You might know Christian.

You might not.

He’s male talent (duh), and I hardly ever write about male talent, unless it’s my Brotha-from-anotha-Motha, The Minion.

That’s him in the pic, clutching Nicole Parks (remember her?!) when I shot them for Spunkmouth. It was the very first time I met Christian, which is, I think, happened four years ago.

Perhaps you know Christian from Christian Sings The Blues. If you’re not a reader, you should be, cause you love porn, and you love looking at pictures, so trust me when I tell ya to bookmark his most-excellent blog.

Perhaps you know his (off-camera) girlfriend, the very beautiful, very charming (and I mean this) Phoenix Marie. Phoenix is brilliant. Really, she is. I got to shoot her right outta the blocks, which is to say I shot her second or third or fourth scene…I dunno which. I thought it was for Ruth Blackwell, but now I don’t remember. I do remember our trip to the gloryhole together! I’ve seen her around a few times, and she’s always very friendly.

Anyways, I don’t use Christian a whole bunch, and really just for one reason. He’s kind of a big shot, which is to say he shoots a lot for big-time companies, and usually, when I need white male talent for my projects, it’s like a Manojob — or a quick scene with a dick sucker.

In my world, these are all relatively low-paying jobs, and Christian’s kinda out of that league, which isn’t to say the guys who take my handjob and blowjob work aren’t top-notch guys…they are. But since they take my jobs, when another one comes up I go to them first and offer them another, and unless they turn it down, I really don’t need to look elsewhere.

Here’s the other thing about Christian. He’s got a fairly extensive “No List”.

Just like it sounds, in my biz there are girl who won’t work with certain dudes (fairly common), and dudes who won’t work with certain chicks (far less common), and Christian’s name pops up on a lot of No Lists.

Why?

Well, this is the tricky part. If I tell you, then it might sound like I’m shit talkin’…but what I’m about to tell you isn’t Top Secret Shit — in fact, in my world, it’s common knowledge: Christian loves to work with Chicks with Dicks.

Another way to say it is he’s a tranny fucker.

I think.

I dunno if he bottoms ever…but that really doesn’t matter.

Not to me.

In fact, none of this matters to me. Not one fucking bit. It also doesn’t matter to me that Once Upon A Time Christian was a contract boy for Falcon (or maybe it was Honcho, or Blue Boy, or Randy Blue, or Matrix.) All gay porn, and, again, not one fact that influences my hiring criterion.

Here’s why I hire dudes:

1) They’ve got a clean test.

2) They show up on time.

3) They’re friendly and co-operative on my set…which is to say they can take direction.

4) They can blow a load when it’s that time.

5) They respect the female talents’ do’s and don’ts.

Let’s see. That’s about it.

Oh sure, dick size is important, but what I’ve discovered is that dudes with big dicks are, usually, big dicks themselves. For the most part.

And I hate to break the news to ya, but if I quit hiring dudes that were 100% straight…which is to say that off-camera (or even on) they weren’t blowing other dudes, or topping other dudes, or being power bottoms…well, there wouldn’t be much of a talent pool for me to choose from.

I’d say 80 to 90% of the male talent in my business are bi-sexual.

Big whoop.

On to something that matters: I wanted to work with Christian again, and a job came up, and I really don’t wanna get into it here, but he totally and completely violated Rule Three (see above) in as much as he took some pictures for his blog when I specifically asked him not to. I’d also like to point out that Christian kicks ass on my other rules…but his desire to make his blog complete made my bosses very upset with me, and I can’t have that.

The result: Double Secret Probation.

Remember when Dean Wormer put the entire Delta House on Double Secret Probation? Who knows what it meant, exactly…but Brother Bluto, and Brother Pinto, and Brother Flounder, along with D-Day, and Otter and everyone else in the frat house had been placed on Double Secret Probation…and they didn’t even know it.

So when Christian kept texting me, over and over, looking for work, I’d say nice things like “when I have something I’ll let ya know!” or — most of the time — I wouldn’t reply to him at all.

Until he got kinda pissy about it.

Let me back up one sec here. I get anywhere from 1 to 10 text messages a day, and, in the end, they’re all the same: got any work for me?

The girls always start out nice, like, hi babe! how are you? i sure do miss you! we should hang out sometime! and then they ask for work.

The dudes usually get right to the point.

So when I didn’t answer Christian, he finally blew his stack at me, and that’s about when I decided to take him off Double Secret Probation.

That didn’t mean I hired him. It just meant if a job came up and I needed a white dude and my regulars weren’t available I’d ask Christian.

This all went down a few months ago…until I got this text message a few days ago:

So, moving forward, its pointless for me to ask u if u ever need me, correct? I don’t want to spin my wheels if I am just bothering u

To which I replied something like “Happy Holidays my friend!” cause it was the day before (or after) Christmas, and I hoped it would end there.

It didn’t. After some pleasantries exchanged, it went downhill…fucking fast. And it ended with me txt’ing him, — for the 1,247 time — that if I had a job I could use him for, I’d let him know.

Understood. I will stop asking u

and then

That’s just disappointing

and then

I have known u for 4 years now, consider u a friend, u know I am a reliable workhorse, and u used me a total of 3 times this year and yell at me for asking

and then

I don’t care about my rate or who it is, I just like to work, and I would rather work for people I like being around.

All this totally made me feel bad. Cause he’s right. He’s reliable, and I like Christian, and I like being around him, so after I got off the phone with My Main Most Man Kevin Kline at Type 9, I called Christian, and I got his voice mail, so I left a message. It went something like Hey dude! I’ve got a Manojob for ya. I know it’s not much, but it’ll be quick, and the girls really cute. It’s tomorrow!

To which he hasn’t replied…at all. No return call. No text message. Nothing.

And the scene went down, so when I told Adrianna Nicole this Tale O’ Woe, she said, “he’s in San Antonio.”

I asked, “How do you know that?”

“I read his blog. But still, you left him a voice mail. He should have had at least called you back and told you he couldn’t do it.”

She’s right.

Which means only one thing: Triple Secret Probation.

Like its predecessor, I have no idea what that means, exactly…nor how long it will last.

Just then Adrianna turned left on to Vermont, and we made our way up to our very favorite Chinese restaurant for a cup of sizzling rice soup, and then some fresh, baked fish with ginger scallions over brown rice.