Category Archives: random raves

random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Adrianna Nicole and Her Spotless Poop Chute – or, Brown.

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Adriana Nicole

In my business, the more you’re willing to do, the more jobs will come your way, and with jobs cometh income. Lots of income.

Adrianna Nicole pretty much does it all: solo, girl-girl, boy-girl, anal, group sex, interracial, as well as fetish work.

Adrianna rules. Is it cause she loves Sushi so much? Or cause she turned me on to this salmon-roll thingy the other night I can’t name right now, but whatever this thingy was called had a whole Yin and Yang thing happening with hot and cold? Cause she showed me where to buy those lovable stuffed toys Pee and Poo? Cause her Chihuahua, Iggy, is Bad to the Motherfucking Bone? Cause she lives across the hall from Nina Hartley? Cause Lorelei Lee is in love with her? Or cause she’s often seen with Gia Paloma harassing IKEA customers?

No no no.

It’s because she let me take this picture before her anal scene we shot for Blacks On Blondes. You know pictures like these aren’t the stuff you get to see on any of those silly DVD’s you rent at the Dirty Book Store. Look at her – squatting on her bright red dildo that’s stuck directly into her pooper, only to pull it out a few seconds later for An Inspection of Brown. And what if there’s even a hint of that awful color? Well then it’s time for another enema!

Many of you know sticking anything up your butt can get a little Brown from time to time, and in order to prevent Brown from happening on set, Veteran Anal Whores like Adrianna take all the usual precautionary measures to halt any and all Brown: no eating at least 12 hours before an anal scene, followed with Imodium AD a few hours prior to call time, and then enema, enema, enema!

Ever bang your girl in the booty? I bet your dick looked like a Fudgescicle when you pulled it out, huh? And suddenly the smell of ass pervaded the room, right?

Come on – you know it did.

I know cause when I used to bang my ex in the booty the few times we made crazy butt love, sure nuff – Brown. And she’d get all embarrassed, and of course I’d play it off like it was no big deal, until I got out of the bedroom, then I’d sprint as fast as I could directly into the shower to hose it all off – gagging the whole way there.

One time Brian Pumper admitted to everyone on set he often walks into a bathroom after a girl drops a deuce simply to beat off to Her Smell of Brown. If you know Brian, this makes perfect sense. If you only know Pumper from his movies, you probably don’t know his affection for smelling shit…and if you have no clue who Brian Pumper is, then Ignorance is Bliss.

That’s right, I’ve repeatedly said Brown throughout today’s entry, and capitalized it as well.

And neither Adrianna nor Lorelei experienced anything in the way of Brown the day we all worked together. I just wish Lorelei would have let me take a picture of her Prepping For The Brown – but she’s modest and meek and blushes most of the time and sometimes squeaks just like a little, little girl.

But I’ll blog about that later.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Spring Thomas

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Spring Thomas

For a while, we shot nothing but softcore. No crazy black dudes on set. No waiting for wood. No waiting on pops.

It was really nice, looking back on it, and easily my favorite work with Spring Thomas. We’d make a few hours out of it, like figure out where we were gonna shoot, then shoot, then grab a bite to eat or just hang out afterwards.

Take a look at the beach shot at my secret little cove in Malibu. What a great place to shoot! It’s secluded, and it’s rocky enough to keep pesky gawkers away, but it’s close enough to be there in about 10 minutes from public parking. One other person was there that day, and as he watched Spring prance around naked on the beach, he told me he once dated a famous Playboy Playmate. I dunno about that, but I do know about the whale Spring and I watched as we were heading back to the parking lot. We were up crossing the rocks, and not too far from the beach, a whale was basking in the sun.

My friend had a porno house in Northridge for about 3 weeks. He lost it cause he didn’t keep a low profile, and when you do that sort of thing – even in Porno Land – the cops will shut it down. And that’s exactly what happened to him, but not before I shot some sets at his pad, my favorite of which where these back yard shots. I had one of those gold discs pro photographers use, and even though I’m far from being a pro, I gave it a whirl. I think she looks amazing.

I wonder if she’s gonna hate these pictures, too.

Spring’s slowed down a bit lately, but who can blame her? There’s still plenty of unseen footage for her site, so that’s a good thing.

It just would be nice to see her again.

Spring Thomas

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

A Barbie Cummings Slumber Party

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Barbie Cummings

Barbie Cummings is the next Eat Some Ass update, and boy, does she do a great job licking a butt. Simply put – an amazing performer, but also a great person – but I’ll get to how I know that in a second.

An amazing performer. The girl should have her own site. Something like maybe she’s Barbie Cummings by day, but at night she turns into something – something very sexual and something that not every other girl on the internet is doing. Kinda like a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing.

After we wrapped, Barbie decided to stick around my new studio…to small talk, and have a popsicle, and just hang out. Her agent couldn’t pick her up for a while, and I just called and told him I’d take Barbie back to Porno Valley – after she finished her popscicle.

Barbie loves to suck on popsicles.

She also loves chocolate, and to bake all things chocolately in the stove, and guess what? My new studio has a stove, and the next thing you know Barbie is showing me her favorite Toll House recipe and whipping up these amazing cookies. They were amazing cause they were tender, yet firm, and they were the biggest cookies I’ve ever tasted…they were so big and yummy, in fact, that some people might think they’re fake cookies…and to tell you the truth they tasted so good I don’t give a fuck if they’re real or fake.

Barbie loves her cookies. So do I.

We got to know each other a whole lot better that day, and it was really nice. She even stuck around after the sun went down, and we went out to dinner, and Barbie even brought her dog – the infamous Fifi Le Fluff. Fifi is a Pomeranian, and Fifi even has a stage name: Kibbles Cummings. The reason Fifi has a stage name is cause she’s going to be one of the hottest barely-legal doggie starlets – once she gets to Paris – cause dirty doggie movies are legal to make in France.

And soon the world will know about Kibbles Cummings…just you wait and see. And Barbie is going to be Kibble’s European agent.

After dinner I needed a Starbucks fix, and Barbie wanted one as well, and so did Fifi, so we stopped to enjoy yummy over-priced coffee-based drinks. And as if Barbie’s delicious cookies weren’t enough, I snacked on my favorite over-priced Starbucks treat: the low-fat banana chocolate chip coffee cake.

Yum.

Even Barbie had some…and, of course, Fifi went beserk over the tasty treat.

Back at the studio, we chatted the night away on my big, overstuffed brown sofa that’s yet to see a porn scene shot on it, so we were safe from any DNA stains that always end up on porno sofas. On that sofa Barbie told me all about her life back home, and her best friend, and how they like to go drinking, and how Barbie loves to take off her clothes once she’s had a few too many, and Barbie told me all about herself and what she likes and doesn’t like: Barbie loves racing people (and the cops) in her pink car; she loves long walks on the beach; Barbie likes her burger to be centered on her bun; she doesn’t like to hear anyone chew their food loudly; Barbie likes a strong, decisive man. We talked about Fifi’s new career, as well as training Fifi to quit making wee-wees and boom-booms on Barbie’s bed; Barbie also loves to make things grow; she’s really into her flower garden, and she works very hard to grow the very best flowers she can.

Barbie loves her flower, and so do I.

Suddenly, we realized it was very late, and I sheepishly asked her if she and Fifi would like to spend the night.

“I’ll be a gentleman,” I promised. “I won’t try to do anything to you at all. Let’s just get some sleep.”

Fifi barked very loudly, and I looked at Barbie. Barbie can translate Fifi’s yip yaps.

“Fifi said, ‘I’ll try my very best not to make wee-wee on your bed, Mister Billy!'” and we both said Awww.

So the three of us went up to my bedroom loft, and the very first thing Fifi did was make wee-wee all over my bed. Then Fifi looked at me and barked loudly again, but Barbie didn’t translate this time, cause Barbie was very, very angry. But that’s OK, cause Barbie fixed it.

I have a feeling Barbie can fix anything.

And then we all went to sleep.

I can’t sleep through the night anymore. I could up til I was about 38 years old. Once I hit 38, no sleeping through the night. Weird, huh? Did I tell you that at 40 I lost about half of my sex drive? Which is to say I beat off 50% less than I used to…which now comes to about every 3 and a half days out of the week – instead of every day of the week. And at 41 I could no longer read my morning newspaper without wearing dumb reading glasses? Soon I’ll probably have to eat blue pills to make my weiner get stiff, and it will be at that point in my life that I will hang myself from one of the rafters in my porno studio.

Anyways, I woke up at 4 am, not because I couldn’t sleep, but because someone was moaning…moaning very loudly, I might add. Loud enough to wake me up. I looked at the foot of the bed where Fifi lay in her fluffy pink bed, and nope…it wasn’t her. I looked over at Barbie, who had the covers pushed down around her knees, and her hands were in her panties, going as fast as her pink car goes when she’s running from the cops.

What would you do?

This is all real, by the way, so don’t fuck with me, sending silly e-mails about how all my stories are bullshit. Cause this one, for the most part, is very real. (I lied about Barbie translating Fifi’s yaps, and the dirty doggie movies).

Anyways, you’re laying in bed, next to a porn star, who’s rubbing one out in her sleep. Do you:

1) Jump her bones

or

B) Remember the promise you made…the one about being a gentleman and all.

I looked up at my ceiling and thought about it. I thought about it long and hard, and suddenly, it was 11 am, and I rolled over to see Barbie myspacing on the laptop next to my bed, because she’s a myspace junkie, and it was then I smiled. I smiled cause I woke up next to Barbie, and I smiled cause Fifi LeFluff came up and licked my face, and I smiled cause I realized I’m a gentleman.

I am a gentleman, goddamnit, no matter what any of you motherfuckers think or say.

Barbie Cummings

random raves

Kaycee Dean – Number One

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Kaycee Dean

I liked Kaycee’s look from the moment her picture ended up in my e-mail last month; I booked her immediately.

I interviewed her, too.

But I had no idea that, within days after her scene went live on Spunkmouth, that she’d be the number one rated girl by its members…but I have some ideas as to why.

I actually shot this scene as somewhat of an “experiment”. Well, experiment might be a fancy word…especially when it comes to porn, but, for lack of a better term, I’ll use it.

Kaycee doesn’t fuck one of the three dudes in the scene with her. That’s the experiment. Cause Spunkmouth is a site where the girls get fucked. Really fucked. And, in some cases, I’m using the word “fucked” metaphorically as well. Anyways, on a site where all the girls get fucked, Kaycee doesn’t…yet my members love her scene. It could be because the whole scene is conducted as an “interview”, and, it’s as close to a real interview as you can get in porno…and fans love that sort of shit.

Could be there’s 3 dicks in the scene, and the more dicks a porn girl has to handle, the more the fans love it.

Could be there’s 3 extremely large pop shots – all three dudes unloaded directly in her face, and the more jizz, the more the fans love it.

Could be Kaycee doesn’t look like a porn whore; she looks more like the girl that sat next to you in class, right? I also had her dress like that girl in your class – not like a porn whore – and I think that really helps.

Could be all of the above.

Anyways, I need to hire her back. She’s not from LA, and she’s gone home, and who knows when she’s coming back…if she ever does.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Kaycee Dean

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves, Whatever Happened to Her?

Free Serena Taylor Handjob Movies

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Serena Taylor

About a week ago I blogged the top 10 JOMG scenes according to our member base. A girl named Serena Taylor clocked in at the number 10 spot…in case you missed that entry, here’s what I wrote about her:

Now-You-See-Her-Now-You-Don’t Serena Taylor was a local amateur who actually started up her own website, although the last time I looked it hadn’t been updated in over a year. When they show up on the porno circuit, do great and get booked a ton but suddenly disappear, it usually means they fell in love. And when they fall out of love and need money again, they return. I can’t wait for Serena to fall out of love; I mean this in a good way, of course.

Two days after I posted this, guess who called me looking for work?

Yep. I was right. She fell out of love. In fact, I had deleted Serena’s number off my phone, so when she hit me up, I had no idea who it was…and it took me about 10 seconds to figure out she was calling – even after I answered the phone. When it hit me I was speaking to Serena, I thought for sure she musta been reading the blog.

Nope – turns out she really fell outta love, and she needs money for all sorts of things – from new boobies to a new car.

Why in the world would she need new boobies? I have no clue. To me, that’s something akin to Spring Thomas needing new lips, or something silly like that.

It was nice to work with Serena again. I think she looks great, and even though she was a bit rusty from being off camera for such a long time, she did a great job jerking for ManoJob. Afterwards, we caught up a bit, and as I walked her out to her car, she admitted there’s a chance she might be willing to go all the way on camera – which would be a first for her. (Afterall, a nice set of boobies ain’t cheap.)

A boy/girl Serena Taylor scene would make for a great Spunkmouth update I bet…to top her JOMG update from a long time ago.

Speaking of a long time ago, here’s some free Serena Taylor handjob movies from when I shot her the very first time. Cool thing about Serena…she’s NOT a cum dodger.

And here’s some free Serena Taylor blowjob movies from her JOMG scene, too. And yea, those are really her glasses.

Now just don’t going saying I never gave you anything for free, ok?

random raves, Whatever Happened to Her?

Top 10 JOMG Scenes – According to My Members

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Ryan Star

Well, if I’m going create a list like this for Spunkmouth, why not do the same for Spunkmouth’s sister site, JOMG? So, as of right now, here are the top ten scenes, according to the members of JOMG.com. Just like the Spunkmouth list, some are a surprise, and some aren’t:

10) Serena Taylor – Now-You-See-Her-Now-You-Don’t Serena Taylor was a local amateur who actually started up her own website, although the last time I looked it hadn’t been updated in over a year. When they show up on the porno circuit, do great and get booked a ton but suddenly disappear, it usually means they fell in love. And when they fall out of love and need money again, they return. I can’t wait for Serena to fall out of love; I mean this in a good way, of course.

9) Kelly Kline – Is a huge porn star now, but I was there to shoot her when she first got into the game – almost 3 years ago. Maybe it was 4? Anyways, why is it people love porn shot outside so much?

8) Julia Bond – Clocks in at number 6, and that’s cool, cause Julia’s cool, and she’s kinda making a porno comeback recently, after laying low and working on some mainstream projects.

7) Goldie Coxx – Literally disappeared about a year ago, but she was in the game for a good year or so, cranking out some scenes. This is a gem. She takes a giant load to the kisser – one so big it brings upon a reaction from Goldie that’s a classic. You have to see the scene to know what I mean.

6) Sindy Lange – Sindy’s a surprise 6…well, it’s a surprise to me, anyway. She gets lots of work, but little attention – or at least not enough attention. Sindy bangs out a great scene. Did I ever tell you the time I shot her for Blacks on Blondes and she squirted like 10 times from start to finish of her scene? She’s a sexual dynamo.

5) Riley Mason – I wish Riley’s scene was ranked higher than 5, cause I think it’s better than 5, but that’s cause I’m Riley’s Number 1 fan. Well, maybe not Number 1, but certainly in the top 100.

4) Spring Thomas – A rare scene featuring Spring with a white guy. Go figure!

3) Jasmine Tame – Jasmine took on a huge dick for her JOMG scene, and she’s a total pro. I think it’s the blue outfit she’s wearing here that gives the scene a special touch.

2) Taylor Ash – Newbie Taylor Ash really stepped up to the plate for this scene, taking on two local amateur guys who just paste her face silly. In fact, the only facial bigger than Taylor’s goes to our top spot – Ryan.

1) Ryan Star – First hit the porno circuit at age 18, and she hit it pretty big: Peter North and Vince Vouyer got some great scenes out of her, and then she fell in love. Did I tell you what happens when they fall in love? Anyway, fast forward 3 years, and here’s Ryan again, making the rounds, and kicking ass. My two local amateur guys dump about a gallon on man goo all over her pretty face, making this the number 1 scene at JOMG.

Oh, if you’re wondering, that’s Ryan on my bright orange porno counch…just in case you weren’t sure.

random raves, Whatever Happened to Her?

Top 10 Spunkmouth Scenes – According to My Members

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Amy Reid

We have a cool feature in the members’ area of Spunkmouth: a rating system that allows members to grade each scene on a 1 to 10 scale. To me, I guess it’s way more interesting than cool, cause I’m constantly trying to figure out what my members are thinking, so I can figure out what they really like, so I can give them more of the same; however, if this top ten list is any indication of what “type of girl” they’re looking for, or what “type of scene” they’re looking for…well, it’s still a mystery to me.

So, as of September 7th of 2006, here’s the top ten girls of Spunkmouth:

10) Amy Reid – Say what you want about her over-the-top 80’s make-up for this scene, or what you want about her face, Amy Reid is a hottie. Hands down she has one of the best bodies in the biz. Some call her a “butter” face, and to me, that’s silly talk from all the producers who were pissed about her $2000 per scene rate. Imagine a producer being pissed about a girl’s rate. Totally dumb. To me, it takes a lot of balls to charge twice the going rate is for whatever kind of service it is you provide – whether you fuck on camera for a living or make widgits for a living – and love her or hate her, Amy Reid has very big balls. I mean this as a compliment, of course. Oh, and did I mention, she’s announced her retirement from the adult world? You go girl.

9) Ice La Fox – Latinas are a hot commodity, and Ice La Fox is one of the hottest in her genre…maybe the hottest. Ice has staying power, too, cause this is a business where they come and go, and for some reason the latina girls come and go even more than all the rest (can anyone say Soma Hernandez?) – except Ice La Fox.

8) Taylor Kurtis – I booked Taylor at the 2005 AVN’s and shot the scene in a seedy hotel at the very end of the Strip. It was her first or second boy-girl ever, and right after I shot it she ended up on one of LA’s biggest porno girl agencies, and she was listed as doing solo/girl-girl work only. So I guess I scored. You shoulda seen the looks she got on that floor in Vegas…I knew I was doing the right thing booking her just looking at all the dudes who would literally stop dead in their tracks and turn to stare at Taylor as she passed…whether or the dudes were with their girl – or their buddies.

7) Chloe Dior – Chloe had been on the circuit a good year or two when I booked her to fuck Tyler Durden’s brains out, and that’s exactly what she did. Here’s a funny aside: during break I was talking with Tyler when we both looked back on set in amazement…it’s “break time” and Chloe’s got a pink vibrator smashed against her clit and was shaking like leaf on a tree. That’s the truth. And pardon the cliche.

6) Envi – Once upon a time there was a girl named Envi and she was best pals with a girl named Eva Angelina and they were roomies in a very magical place called Porn Valley. I drove out to their pad and shot Envi for Spunkmouth and I also bagged an Eva Angelina Jizz on My Glasses scene. Envi was so new she really didn’t know how to fuck on camera, so Miss Angelina sat off in the back and shouted out tips as I rolled camera. Soon after that Envi renamed herself Eve Lawrence. Soon after that they got into a big fight and hated each other. Soon after that they made up. Soon after that Eva said she was going to join the Navy. Soon after that Eve got a boyfriend. You can’t shoot them now…at least right now. Maybe soon, when they need money, they’ll come back to this magical, mystical place.

5) Tori Lane – I think the best thing I liked about working with Tori was her penchant to call the male talent a “man whore” while fucking. It’s so true, too. All the dudes in this business are man whores, as most of you reading this are, too, just the same as I am. Say it loud and say it proud – I AM A MAN WHORE! Did it help her scene that she fucked her man whore in a filthy public bathroom? Sure. Did it help that Tori can’t get fucked hard enough? Yep. Did it help that Tori got down on her knees and lapped up the cum off the dirty, filthy bathroom floor? The cum that didn’t get all over her face? You betcha.

4) Meg – Here’s a big surprise for the number 4 spot. Meg was a softcore model who got started with the infamous Lightspeed crew. You remember Tawnee Stone? Well, somehow I think the gang at Lightspeed had Meg tapped as the next Tawnee, until she showed up on set one day with brand new tats all over herself. She did FTVGirls about the same time, but I don’t think those folks were too psyched about her tats, either. About that same time Amateur Allure shot her, too…until more and more tats began sprouting all over herself. Now, I’m purely speculating here…I could be totally wrong about the tats thing. Anyway, next stop for Meg was porn valley, Vince Vouyer’s office, and a new name – Ryan Star. Then, Peter North’s office. Then back home and my office. Then she disappeared. She’d surface – briefly – every 6 months or so…but that’s about it. (By the way, just just resurfaced again; let’s see how long she keeps her head above the water this time).

3) Riley Mason – This isn’t a big surprise at all. Riley’s hot…Indie Hot. Indie Hot like Loose Fur, The Dirtbombs, Turbo Negro and The Eagles of Death Metal – all rolled up into one big treat: Riley Mason.

2) Boo D. Licious – Bella Donna introduced me to Boo 4 years ago next month. I can’t believe how time flies. She was 18, had shot one scene, and I remember immediately getting on the phone with my partner J. and pleading with him to put some money into our shoot budget. Spunkmouth wasn’t even launched then…but we were working on it. Boo really made the site stand out when we first went live – not only cause she’s hot, but by the time we went live, Boo had gone the same way most of these girls go…down the disappearing path back to a “normal” life.

1) Nadia Synn – Nadia Synn. Go figure. The number 1 scene on Spunkmouth is the only one on this list I didn’t shoot. Local agent/cameraman Cole found Nadia and sent me pics. I greenlighted the shoot immediately, and now Nadia Synn sits a top of very impressive list. Where did she go? Well, not long after this shoot, Nadia was seriously injured in a car crash, and last I heard, she’s still in recovery. I only hope the best for her.

Nadia Synn

random raves

THE DVD SERIES HAS BEGUN!

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Jacky Joy

Well they’ve arrived: Bachelor Pad Productions is proud to announce the world DVD debut of SPUNKMOUTH Volumes 1 & 2!

I know I’ve blogged about this is the past, but I’ll say it now, again – somehow, these DVD’s “validate” things…in a weird way. There’s always been this feeling that “internet porn” was sloppy, gonzoesque, poorly produced porn, while “DVDs” are a more exceptional product. And since they’re tangible, well…that makes them special.

I’ll stand behind these scenes – internet or DVD – even though some of them were the first scenes I’d ever shot. All I can say is damn…these really came out nicely. There’s things you can see on your TV that you can’t see in a file smooshed down to fit through an internet connection, and that’s about the only real difference between DVD’s and the internet, as far as I’m concerned.

That and the internet eliminates that pesky movie rental sales clerk – you know…the guy who knows all your kinks and perversions, even though you don’t want him to.

Volume One features: Riley Mason, as well as Meg (AKA Ryan Star), BJ Swallows, Lisa and Vicki Vette.

Man does Riley Mason look great in one of her first scenes ever! James Deen fucked her silly! And I almost forgot how sweet local amateurs BJ Swallows and Lisa were, and everyone knows Vicki Vette – her double-dicking will look great on your big screen TV!

Volume Two features: Spring Thomas and her very FIRST boy/girl scene, along with Brandi Lyons, Nadia, Savannah and Tina.

What can I say about Spring Thomas that I haven’t said before? Check out one of two non-interracial boy-girl scenes EVER. (We own the other one, too). Brandi Lyons gave us a super-gaped asshole – in addition to her spunked mouth; Nadia and Savannah are local amateurs that were in porn for a scene or two and the quick paycheck that came with it…and Tina was the one that “got away” – she showed up in Porn Valley, blew people away with the handful of scenes she shot, then, days later, virtually disappeared.

We went with Gamelink cause they’re stand-up folks and they’ll get your DVD’s to you with the same kind of speed and efficiency as those other large corporate entities you’ve probably done business with before. Which isn’t to say the only place you can buy these DVDs are at Gamelinlk; last time I checked, there were a handful of online retailers selling them, and if you don’t see them at your favorite store, ask the pesky movie rental sales clerk to order them both!!

Jacky Joy

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Porn Statistics Redux

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Jayma Reed

It’s that time again. I dipped into my referrer stats, which is where I find out what people type into search engines to get to I Shoot Porn, and once again, um…I’m amazed.

You know I’ve done this a few times in the past. And to reiterate, I don’t edit, change, or manipulate these search engine phrases in any shape or form…here’s the exact words and phrases people typed into Google, or Yahoo, or whatever search engine they use, and found my blog:

“send nudes or i shoot the fucking cat pics” – I think people go out to bars, or do pub crawls, or drink and dance, or just drink a lot, maybe smoke a whole bunch of dope, then come home drunk (and alone) and go right to Google to see what they can find to pleasure themselves to. And the drunker they are, the funkier they get with their searches. I think phrase defends my case perfectly.

“300 pound porn girls” – BBW’s are hugely popular…and please pardon the pun. I could never figure out BBW’s. (Remember that popular phrase from the 80’s – “No Fat Chicks”?) I just don’t see the attraction with fat girls. But, in fact, the more I’m in this business, the more I figure out I don’t know anything about anything. (By the way, if you didn’t know it, “BBW” is a “Big, Beautiful Woman”)

“gloryhole do s and don ts” – Well, I’ve shot enough of these to know. Bascially just understand that when (and mostly IF) you’re lucky enough to stumble upon a real gloryhole, and IF there’s a mouth on the other side to suck your weiner, it will be, in all likelihood, a dude’s mouth. Check out Katie Thomas sucking at the hole. She might be able to tell you more…but like I said, just don’t expect a Katie Thomas on the other end of your hole.

“does butthole really have a taste?” – I’ll admit I’ve chowed on a girl’s butt. I’ve done it more than once. In my personal experiences there was no taste…which, I think, is a good thing. You’d have to ask Veronica Rayne here…or any girl that’s been on Eat Some Ass…and see what they say, though. Taryn Thomas said she loved the taste of a man’s ass – for whatever it’s worth.

“dick size is not important” – I hate to break the news to you, but dick size is important, and if you’re girl is telling you otherwise, then you have a small dick. But hey, at least she stills loves you.

“catch aids from blowjob” – This kinda relates to the anonymous dick sucking gloryhole thing, a bit, but also to sex in general. Here’s something I found from AVERT.org, and I’ll assume they’re the experts on this topic: “The risk of HIV transmission from an infected partner through oral sex is much smaller than the risk of HIV transmission from anal or vaginal sex. Because of this, measuring the exact risk of HIV transmission as a result of oral sex is very difficult.” Which is to say, I think, no one knows…cause no one’s ever caught HIV from just a blowjob. Oh, and here’s Katie Thomas again, if you want more free gloryhole movies.

“do blacks really have bigger dicks“ No. They don’t. Really. They don’t. And no, I’m not jealous…or pissed…or anything at all.

“talk girlfriend into taking cum on face“ – I’d have a serious sit-down with her. Don’t just blurt out hey honey, I’d like to blast you in the face!! Start out your serious conversation with things that turn you on, and creep this one in. I mean “creep it in” by starting with things you’ve already done, and how much they turned you on, and how much SHE turns you on, then spring this one on her. Tell her how much you’d love to spray her face with your man goo (just don’t use those words), and offer up a compromise. Something along the lines of “if you’ll let me cum on your face, you can do ____”. Include things other than sexual acts, too…like presents, money, or babysitting the kid while she takes the week to go to an exotic locale somewhere in the South Pacific – cause that’s what it might take to let you glue her eyes shut.

“what does it look like inside womens buttholes” – the same as it looks inside a man’s butthole. And yes, I’ve seen inside both, and no, I’m not gay. No Way Am I Gay!

“how many times can you shoot your cum load” – Depends on various things, really…mostly age (the younger you are the more you can) and time in between loads. When I was 25, 4 or 5 pops wasn’t out of the question; now I’m super lucky to squeeze out two…and the second one ain’t anything like the first. Isn’t getting old fun?

“jayma jameson porn star” – Oh my, someone’s very confused! But I can see how. It’s JENNA Jameson, not Jayma Jameson. Besides, the only girl I know named Jayma is a super intelligent, super sexy, witty conversationalist – someone you’d want to get to know, not just bang; she’s also a very attractive, committed girl who happens to be a Jack Mormon Indigo Child and radiates such a positive energy flow it’ll make your head spin. And she happens to have the last name of Reed.

Or Reid.

Or Ried.

And I’ll take her over Jenna Jameson any day.

Jayma Reed

Jayma Reed, my life, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

My New Gal? (Part 5).

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Jayma Reed

We left Bungalow 3 and walked the property a bit.

We held hands.

We got to know each other.

We kissed some more.

We snooped around, hoping for a celebrity encounter of some sort. (I was the one really hoping for a good celeb sighting).

We took pictures. (I took pictures).

We went back to our room.

I can’t being to tell you how soft and comfortable the beds are at the Chateau Marmont. Or the linens. Or her skin. We made out and talked and then made out some more. We laughed and discovered things about each other. We watched TV. We ordered room service. We made out and I touched her skin and it was soft and I started to take her clothes off. We made out like middle school kids after the dance.

“I wish I wasn’t broken,” she said.

She was still hurting, and I knew that. Her tonsils were swollen to the point she couldn’t really eat anything from room service.

“I wish I wasn’t broken,” she said, again.

“You’re not all that broken,” I said.

She stopped me when I tried to take off her panties and she said it again: “I wish I wasn’t broken.”

What’s that mean, exactly?

Well, for starters, it wasn’t just her throat that was broken, and after a minute or so of some oral pleasure, she was all done – because her throat hurt so badly. And it didn’t take very long for her to tell me that, in addition to her tonsils, her V-Jay Jay was broken, too.

V-Jay Jay is her word for vagina.

Ba-gina is my word for it.

Either word works just fine for me.

“Turn off the lights,” she said. “I have something special for you. Just lay back and close your eyes.”

“Now that’s what I’m taking about!”

In an instant the room was dark, and I was naked and my dick was hard enough to open a beer bottle. And I laid back on that wonderful bed after the lights went off and I closed my eyes. She got on top. She rubbed around a bit and then she slipped it in…to her open hand.

After she licked it.

And it took a few strokes before I realized that, while this tight wet thing kinda felt good on my weiner, it wasn’t her V-Jay Jay. Or her Ba-gina. Because it was broken.

She rode me a bit, and she moaned a bit, and she grinded a bit, and finally I asked, “um, what are you doing?”

“Almost sex.”

“Almost sex?”

“Almost sex.”

I looked up at her. I said it again. She confirmed. She continued to ride. Then I asked, “are you using Almost Sex as a proper noun? Like, did you name this thing you’re doing “Almost Sex”, or are we just almost having sex?”

She said, “I call it that. Almost Sex. It’s got a name. I do it to all the Mormon boys back home. They love it.”

I laid my head back in my pillow. It was the softest pillow I’ve ever rented for a night. She kept giving me Almost Sex while I looked up at the ceiling. It was dark, but not too dark to see her, or her swollen throat, or my dick going in and out of her hand as she rode me. It wasn’t too dark to see the ceiling either, and it was a very expensive ceiling. To my right was the $28 dish of spaghetti she didn’t eat, on the nightstand, next to the tiny piece of $12 flourless chocolate cake she didn’t eat, either. The powdered sugar on that cake looked like very expensive powdered sugar. Probably the most expensive powdered sugar in the whole wide world.

Then, I closed my eyes.

I did my best to enjoy Almost Sex.

I closed my eyes to Almost Sex and prayed for her to slip it into her V-Jay Jay.

Super Minion