From Wikipedia: “In literature, an epigraph is a phrase, quotation, or poem that is set at the beginning of a document or component. The epigraph may serve as a preface, as a summary, as a counter-example, or to link the work to a wider literary canon, either to invite comparison or to enlist a conventional context.”

Part of the reason I got into the Porno Biz was to write a book. I got out of grad school in ’98, and even though I had written a screenplay (which was sold), and a novel (that didn’t get published), and some short stories (a few of which ended up in some really little lit mags you’ve never heard of), I never considered myself a “writer”.

After grad school I taught, and I did consider myself a teacher. For close to four years I worked hard for tenure. When that didn’t happen, I got into the adult business. And when I broke that news to my mom, it went something like this: “hey, um…mom, so, um, since I didn’t get that tenured-track position at the community college which would have made you really proud, I’m gonna go ahead and start shooting smut for a site called Blacks on Blondes…but don’t worry, I’ll be out of the biz in a year, and then I’ll write a book all about it, and then you’ll be proud!”

Fourteen years later, I’m still shooting smut…and not ready to quit. But maybe it’s time to attempt a book? That means work, and work means time, and the older I get the more I truly realize the Value of Time. Whether it’s my time or your time, there ain’t a lot left. We all value our free time. I like to take pictures and read and look at art and listen to music and travel and all that would be way easier than attempting a book.

I tend to think in a linear fashion, which means if I attempt A Book, my brain thinks beginning / middle / end — in that order. And while I have vague ideas about all three of those things, it means lots of time — with no guarantees about anything other than a tiny slice of hard drive space on my laptop no longer available for pictures or music.

I’ve even got an idea for my book’s epigraph! One of my heroes once said: The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side. — Hunter S. Thompson

In my head, I’d have HST’s great quote, and then this, right below it: The music porno business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side. — Hunter S. Thompson Billy Watson

Witty, huh?

One small problem: HST never said it. He did say, “The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel and shallow money trench through the heart of the journalism industry, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs, for no good reason.” but that doesn’t quite work as well, which throws me off, and then I get blocked, and then I can’t write, which means I seriously doubt I can whip up the 100,000 words (give or take) it’ll take to get A Book done.

Did I mention no guarantees if I do manage get through it?

So who wants to meet in Denver September 2nd to catch the original Misfits play Riot Fest?

Yhivi swung by the studio to blow our Stunt Cock after a couple successful runs at The Dick Sucker’s sister site, ManoJob. Finally! In this seven-minute behind-the-scenes clip, Yhivi covers a wide range of topics –from her “super agent” Mark Spiegler to how to find her on social media. Click on her pic for the BTS!

1) Ignoring The Blog: Let’s face it, I don’t have a whole lot left to say. The whole porn industry — from the barely-legals jumping off the bus at the Porn Valley Stop to whether or not we should be using condoms on Stunt Cock — is really a broken record. Oh sure…I could blog about my brand-new, age-inappropriate Porno Girl Friend, Mentally Challenged Stunt Cock’s feeble attempts to get back in my good graces, drug-addicted Porno Princesses, my somewhat-recent European adventure, CAL OSHA, et al…but I’m afraid that might bore you to tears. Well…Budapest was kinda cool, I don’t think I told you about the LA County’s inspection of my Smutty Studio, and, if history proves itself to be right (which you know it almost always does), my relationship status will again be “It’s Complicated” — which we all know is a fancy way of saying “I’m a Crazy Single Person”. The only way to make ISP a little bit interesting is maybe finally get around to attempting a book and posting excerpts here as I churn them out. The churning part is what’s so difficult.

2) NOBUNNY’s November 2 Gig: It was billed as “Night of the Living Dead Fest“: “an all-ages event showcasing artistic talent from all over United States. There will be national and local bands, live art, interactive coolness, unique wares and local vendors, a hand-crafted miniature golf course, rides, and much more..”. It was staged at Old Tucson, an old-tyme ghost town in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, and while a whole lot of interesting bands played, you know who I was there for. I’ll be the first to admit there’s something terribly wrong with me, and his name is NOBUNNY. Here’s the funny thing — the show sucked. His backing band was barely-ok, and I’m pretty sure the Love of My Life was sick — cause he hocked up some pretty gross loogies…the kind you can only spit when you’re under the spell of an extremely nasty chest infection. But the show must go on! And in the olde-tyme “Gamblin’ Saloon” I made a very important decision in my life — as NOBUNNY jumped on stage around 9 pm, the Meat Puppets were a song or two into their set on the Main Stage. OK…I just lied. There was no decision to be made. I sent a few text messages to my old buddies who were front-row center for The Pups, but how many more times do I really need to hear “Lake of Fire” or “Lost”? Don’ get me wrong — 25 years ago those tunes brought tears to my eyes. Anyway, my texts went unanswered, so I was all by myself when NOBUNNY pulled off his tighty-whiteys to reveal a shiny gold G-String…just as he ripped into “Chuck Berry Holiday”. It was then I knew I was in truly in love. But No Way Am I Gay.

3) Dallas Buyer’s Club: Hands down the film of the year. But who was better? McConaughey’s faggot-hatin’, dope-shootin’, rodeo hustler…or Leto’s cross dressin’, T-Rex lovin’ faggot? Oh yea…just once more: no way am I gay.

4) Disclosure’s Settle: From their Wiki page: “Disclosure are an English electronic music duo, consisting of brothers Guy and Howard Lawrence. The siblings grew up in Reigate, Surrey.” That sums up Disclosure. Now I’m gonna sum up my latest dilemma: my lovely, beautiful Porno Princess Girl Friend wants me to accompany her while we both do some Molly. My only experience with anything remotely similar took place in 1986, when, after a night of tossing drunks out of the uber-hip night club where I worked, my bartender buddy handed me a pill, told me to swallow it, and then drive to a near-by house party. In what might have been the dumbest moment of my life, I swallowed the pill after asking just one question: “What’s this?” “MDMA,” he said. “It’s brand-new. Legal in Texas! And it rocks!!” I had no idea what MDMA was, but I took it anyway (cause it was legal in Texas), left work, and failed to find any house party. I drove for hours. This depressed me more than anything ever had up to that moment in my life, and somehow I wound up at my parent’s house…silently weeping to late-night reruns. I was very worried they were going to wake up. And I cried hard when Otis the Drunk got tossed into jail. No lie. Anyway, if I make another dumb mistake, I’m just gonna make sure this record is on instead of TV.

5) Budapest, Hungary: The only reason Budapest makes my list is it’s the Porn Valley of Europe. That’s it. Nothing more. Cause if you’re not worried about a goddamned gypsy using their Shape-Shifter Majik to get your wallet, better keep your eye on the cabbie’s meter! And then once you jump out of your cab, watch your back cause the neo-nazi skinheads wearing English football jerseys will probably stomp you. Especially when chillin’ with a couple of my Blacks on Blondes co-workers. My ex-pat friend who lives there blames the country’s history on all the rude people. I’ll blame the amount of red meat in their diet. That and the weather.

6) The N Word: I get a lot of shit from some the dudes at the discussion board over at IR-Tube. They love to complain about my camera work and my cheezy porno story lines, but the thing that really drives them nuts is when the Porno Princesses drop the N Bomb on my set. I can’t blame the IR.Net dudes for that one. It’s an ugly word that needs to go away. But, like other terrible things — the national deficit or a Wendy’s Triple with cheese and bacon, for example — it’ll always be with us. Especially when all the hip, cool black dudes use it. The members at Black on Blondes go crazy for it, so much so that a girl who would normally score an “8” (out of 10) rating might get another point and a half if she calls her co-star that magical word. How in the world can I use “magical” to describe that terrible word? Well, cause the ONLY OTHER group of folks who love the N Word more than the racist bigots I refer to as “members” are the black guys my boss employs. Works better than Viagra, I’m tellin’ ya.

7) Valentina Nappi: Valentina Nappi is one of the few European Porn Stars who make their way to Porn Valley for work. She’s Italian, and when I tell you she out-fucks her male co-stars, she really does. In fact, she’s the only Porno Princess I’ve seen in the 11+ years I’ve been doing this who’s made Stunt Cocks tap out. No joke. After you watch the DP scene I shot with her, you’ll know Valentina’s The Real Deal.

Usually I blog a particular topic, but today I feel like blabbing about all sorts of shit…so, each paragraph of today’s blog is its own “topic”, whether it’s a current event, or a rant, or a rave…or showing you some of what the fans are asking for:

Hello
Please help me to find DVD or VIDEO as per following situation. I have tried but could not find on your esteemed site.
1) Please suggest SITE or DVD or videos where in black masters tie white slaves , torture nipples and pussy, spank them with metal rods and punish them with bottle in ass…and then fuck them
2) Please suggest SITE or DVD or videos where in where in white slaves are reforming and punishing their master, by tie up master with tree and fuck master. White Slave torturing master..
3) Please suggest SITE or DVD or videos where in black master first torture white slave , force cat to lick white slave cunts and then fuck her.
4) Please suggest SITE or DVD or videos where in white teens are inserting live small animals in holes.
Thanks.

As you probably know, there’s a halt on production in Porn Valley. A performer named Cameron Bay has come forward and ID’d herself as the performer who has tested positive for HIV. I’m not sure if the follow-up test has confirmed her HIV status, but no one is shooting. Or should be. Rumor is that Cameron has a boyfriend, or a partner, or some sort of fuckbuddy “friend” that’s gay-for-pay. And rumor has it he’s been in straight flicks, too. Like I said, other than Cameron’s first test coming back positive, all the rest are rumor and speculation and should be treated as such. My deepest sympathy to Miss Bay in this terrible situation, and I am hoping for a good end to it all.

This HIV crisis comes immediately after it was learned a male performer named Alex Gonz has been running around Porn Valley for God-Knows-How-Long with Hep C.

Which came immediately after another male talent named Clover had a false positive for Syphilis.

Ready or not, dear fans, condoms are on the way.

Speaking of that, I went to a Porno Meeting at my Porn Lawyer’s office to discuss how we’re going to comply with the new law requiring condoms. It was a hoot. Lotsa fun. Since it was a closed-door meeting, don’t expect me to blab about what went down, other than I’m doing my best to follow a law that’s impossible to follow.

Speaking of that, the LA Department of Health folks dropped by my studio to check it. They liked my place, gave me a thumbs up, and afterwards we chatted a bit. It went something like this: Me: “So, how do you guys like your new responsibilities with the porno stuff?” Them: “We didn’t vote for this.” Me: “Do you think all this is warranted?” Them: “We’re more concerned about a potential health crisis at, say, Belmont High (local LA inner-city high school) than all of Porn Valley.”

I caught NOBUNNY Sunday night at Echo Park Rising, which is a local music fest. Great show. Fun night for all. Should I mention that I was particularly fond of his tight, red underpants that night? And No Way Am I Gay.

I just shot Gauge, who hasn’t really been in a skin flick since 2005. I say “really” cause she did a scene the day before she came by my studio. Gauge was super cool. No diva here. I interviewed her from my YouTube Channel, and I opened up with “What happens to Porn Stars when they leave Porn Valley for good?” cause that’s what lotsa fans ask me. “Whatever happened to SOandSO? I loved her scene with FillInTheBlank!” I’ve kept in touch with some of the models I’ve worked with in the past, and if I had to take a guess, I’d say over 50% of them remain as Sex Workers, but in a different capacity, whether it be stripping, escorting, or maintaining their Sugar Daddy’s happiness. Some do go get educated, and then head off into the “normal” workplace…only to be haunted by their past. It’s such a shitty situation. People love to out their favorite Porn Star in the workplace, but almost all the time it ends with the employer either terminating ex-Porner…or ex-Porner leaves the workplace after being harassed. I do know a few girls who have maintained a normal job, but not many.

Breaking Bad is winding up to be the greatest television show ever produced. Even better than Walking Dead, which is great in its own way.

Wanna hear another funny Stunt Cock story? So I’m shooting a scene the other day, and Stunt Cock is still new, and definitely unpredictable. Here’s some examples of Unpredictable Stunt Cock behavior on a porno set: Can Stunt Cock speak so others understand him while he’s “acting”? (Note I’m not even concerned with how bad Stunt Cock’s acting might be). Will Stunt Cock maintain wood? Can Stunt Cock hold his nut til the end of scene? Will Billy Watson even get his scene? And, up to the transition from first position to second position, Stunt Cock was doing great. Except maybe with the Mumble Mouth problem. He even kicked ass through the pictures, which is the hardest part of the whole “work” day. (I take all pictures first, before we go to video, for a number of reasons: talent gets to “know” each other better before video; we get all the pictures out of the way so they can just perform during video; etc etc). So Stunt Cock kicks ass through photos, then kicks ass through position 1…then he just stops. Rubs his head like he’s got a headache. “What’s wrong?” I ask, fearing the worst. “Come here. I need to whisper something in your ear.” Knowing the worst is about to come, I walk over to him. “My girlfriend died Sunday.” This revelation makes my head spin, for two reasons: 1) if he’s telling the truth, why the fuck is he on my set in the first place? 2) if he’s telling the truth, which I highly doubt, how can he get through the hardest part of the scene (pictures) and first position and then suddenly stop? After he tells me, I keep calm, tell him things are gonna be OK, and he says something like, “I’ll try to finish”, but by then I know it’s over. Now it’s time to reschedule the whole thing and pay out kill fees. And I call him out for being a liar. Which is risky on my part, and I know that. And I know he’s gonna flip, which he does. It’s not til a few days later The Truth is told: Stunt Cock lost his load during first position, didn’t tell anyone, then threw the dying GF drama in my face. Poor Stunt Cock! He was so distraught he could only make it through the first position before premature nutting whilst grieving (silently, of course) for his lost love. Nice, huh?

Oh, how I love my business! Almost as much as NOBUNNY.

1) Tim Timebomb & Friends: I was never a Rancid fan, nor did Operation Ivy do anything for me. Tim Timebomb is another story. Just go check out his site, scroll down a bit, and then look for “songs”. He’s posting one a day, and I dare ya to find a dud. Click on the “mix tapes” to stream some while you work. Or jerk. Or work ‘n jerk.

2) Fart Sniffers: “Eproctophiles are said to spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about flatulence, and have recurring intense sexual urges and fantasies involving flatulence.” This from Professor Mark Griffith’s blog. While I can’t vouch for Dr. Griffiths, recently the “world’s recorded case” of so-called ‘eproctophilia’ has been recorded in a 22-year-old man from Illinois. This from UK’s The Metro. The Metro quotes “Brad” — the Fart Sniffer — picked up his fetish after “he heard that a girl that he had a crush on in school had passed wind during a lesson.” The Metro also pointed out Brad was pursuing his degree in the Fine Arts — so sniffin’ farts makes sense. I could have saved the British psychologist who interviewed Brad a lot of time by showing him the FARTING section over at Clips4Sale. My old pal Cinnamon Love made a nice chunk of change blowing big ones for her C4S clients. Urban Legend has a VHS tape featuring none other than Chuck Berry (Roll Over Beethoven) taking direct blasts from a blonde girl’s ass. Cause, as Professor Griffith’s blog points out, “Most people probably view flatulence as a disgusting behavior yet eproctophiles do not.” I always found farting kinda funny…unless they stunk up the joint too much. Then, I’d usually punch The Farter in the arm…and the worse it smelled, the harder I’d swing. You know…just like you.

3) “Just Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets“: Don’t ask me how, but Saturday night I wound up at a Luke Bryan concert. Florida/Georgia Line and Thompson Square opened. Collective audience IQ hovered around 85. I’m sure most spent their entire week’s pay on a ticket, parking, a tee, and a couple tall boys. The only thing that enabled me to endure the night was hanging out with my old high school pals. Wanna get 20,000 Country and Western fans to scream in delight? The lead singer just needs to mention whatever town they’re playing, followed by how big the titties of all the towns’ female inhabitants are. (I guess that goes for a Metal show, too, except instead of a mason jar full of moonshine (to the audience, no less), a Metal band would’ve passed around some blow.) Just when I thought it couldn’t get any dumber, I spotted a cute girl wearing short-shorts, a cowboy hat, and a tee that that read “Just Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets”. A day later I discovered it does get dumber…as she’s quoting the lyrics from one of Luke Bryan’s biggest hits.

4) Big Star: Nothing Can Hurt Me: From the site: “Big Star: Nothing Can Hurt Me is a feature-length documentary film about the dismal commercial failure, subsequent massive critical acclaim, and enduring legacy of pop music’s greatest cult phenomenon, Big Star.” I love this film, because I love this band. I love this band cause they’re great, no one paid any attention to them when they were playing together, and did I mention they’re great? If I had to get somethings inked into my skin, it would be the band’s logo off the first record.

5) Molly O’Dell: Last month, my porno pal Siri introduced me to a barely-legal girl who was calling herself Molly. Siri said, “you’re gonna love Molly…and when you do one of your interviews with her, you’re gonna discover something you’re really going to like!” Well, during the interview, nothing really came to light that I would call a “discovery”, so my last question to Molly was, “Is there something I didn’t ask that you think I should know about?” Turns out there was, and Siri was right. Turns out Molly’s mom is none other than Kelly O’Dell, a Porno Princess from the early 90’s. After our interview, I highly, highly recommended that Molly make her last name “O’Dell” and follow in her mom’s footsteps. And for once, a Porno Princess took my advice.

I think I met Bonnie a year ago. It was before she got boobs. Her hubby and I have known each other a long time, and he brought Bonnie over…to show her off, I’m sure. Can’t blame the guy, right? And since then, Bonnie’s just blown up, which is a difficult thing to do, especially with all the ink. A lot of girls come to Porn Valley to be a star; Bonnie’s currently one of the few on that path. She’s kicking ass, and rightfully so. Bonnie’s a sexual dynamo. Top notch performer. And she cares about the content she appears in, which sets her apart from 90% of the girls in this business. Stay tuned — Bonnie Rotten is worth paying attention to.