From Italy, Profpack writes:

Dear Billy,

I have been following your Fabulous Cash PornHub porn channel for a long time. I am a lover of hand jobs! Your girls are very beautiful, but I would like to ask you a question: you know that sex before reaching the penis passes through the brain? It would be nice if you built scenes where performers find themselves in places that ignite the imagination of us wankers; for example, a waiting room where she jerks off a client who happens to be there! In a cinema chair with her jerking both off, even when dressed as a virgin! Or a saw to the employer to stay hired! That is to create a story to move the brain and make us identify with it. Or create a situation where there is danger of being caught! The wife’s sister jerking off her brother-in-law on the couch while the wife is in the kitchen! You know what I’m talking about?! Last but not least, I would like the girls to slap the cocks on the tongue and face a lot more. The tongue out is a very strong sexual appeal. I am sure that you will take these requests seriously, and thank you for that! I will always be an even more passionate customer of yours, and I am sure that many others like me are waiting for these scenes. 

To which I replied:

Hey Profpack!

It’s only been about two years since I answered an e-mail here, and about a decade before that. That’s right! Two super fun e-mails in 11 years. Now that’s what I call an active blogger!

Does anyone even care about blogs anymore? Are they a thing? Should I just have my own YouTube Channel? A podcast? Isn’t that what all the hipsters do these days?

A blog. I’m such a dork. And a completely inconsistent one at that. Will I actually blog again tomorrow? Next week? Some time before 2021 ends? Only time will tell.

And to answer your question, I don’t really go out on locations anymore. They’re too expensive. When I was working with that Dogfart money, no problem? Now? Every once in a blue moon.

Although recently I shoot a scene where barely-legal Cecelia Taylor was working at an adult bookstore, got fed up and bored, so what’s a fed-up-and-bored 18-year-old girl do while working at a smut shot but beat off the creeps? Hope this works for ya!

Your pal — Billy “I’m Back in the Saddle Again for Who Knows How Long” Watson.

B. Smith writes:

Hey Billy,

I watched a video about John Holmes on YouTube. Does everyone always have to self destruct in the porn industry? I went to a Porn Expo in Denver. I remember seeing Ron Jeremy and thinking to myself how could all that good pussy leave you looking so haggard. I didn’t even talk to Ron. What you do seems to be the best position in the industry. I heard your voice on many videos and has a positive tone to it. I got the video with Former Male Porn Star Randy Spears pulled up on YouTube. He breaks down crying but I think of the alternative and that type of life is also tear inducing. You mentioned you being a school teacher a lot of people take the safe route and it’s agonizing. Everyone’s priorities shift. The industry is changing, use to be primarily the same male talent now I’m starting to see the “Skinny-Jean Generation” in interracial videos. I guess that dispels the myth that Skinny Jeans will ruin a man’s sexual performance. I think to myself — can that person transition after porn? Are they going to feel thankful or regretful later in life? For me, I lived like a porn star for about 4 years and don’t have many regrets.

—

Hey B!

The title to The New York Dolls’ second record, Too Much Too Soon, can sum up some of what happens to a lot of the Porno Princesses / Stunt Cocks who come to Porn Valley to become “famous” — especially the “barely legals”. Their self-destructions aren’t literal (although a few have ended their own lives), and often are more financial: in the real world, they’re qualified for minimum wage jobs, and suddenly have incomes that rival most professionals. And instead of saving their money and paying their taxes, they do neither. Too much attention. Too much money. Too soon. Combine that with an average career of 6 months to 3 years, and suddenly they’re 22, shot out, might have a substance problem (that often times developed after their arrival to Porn Valley) don’t have any money, and are about to get their first certified letter from the IRS.

It’s a bleak picture for sure, and for a small amount of porn stars, it’s bleaker in that they don’t make it out of Porn Valley with their lives; however, not “everyone” self-destructs in any sort of way. On the contrary, a lot of Porn Valley’s actors and actresses are wisening up and actually thriving, especially with the newest business model that’s arrived: the performer-as-producer, who now are enjoying various monetizing platforms such as Only Fans, private Snap Chats, and Many Vids.

A lot are also “creatives” (of which I count myself as one), and as creatives, they often lead lives that, for lack of a better word, aren’t “normal” and often consist of a myriad of vices. I don’t wanna overgeneralize here, but you get the picture.

I love being a director, but it’s got its challenges just like your job has — or any job for that matter. I’m generally happy and healthy and I love life in Porn Valley, and, for the most part, I feel like there’s more and more of us and less and less of them. Since jumping into this game almost 17 years ago, I’ve seen a lot of changes, and they’re almost all good changes: the Slimeballs are getting weeded out; the folks in front of the cameras seem to be getting their financial shit together more and more; and, finally, it seems the Bad Times that started in 2008 (ie tube sites) are winding down.

Kinda, anyway.

I don’t know much about skinny jeans, but I do know a lot of the Stunt Cocks have as difficult a life after their porno careers end as their female counterparts…but that’s another blog.

morgan writes:

i dont know how to find email addresses, but your blog lead me to believe you might be able to pass on this message. i was going through severe depression for many years and one of the ways it manifested was being really upset about the things i didn’t have, which made looking at porn particularly soul crushing. one day i stumbled across a shoot proxy did with mandy mitchell and her energy was so fantastically amazing that joy jumped from her brain into mine. it made me so happy to see such happy people. now im stoked for everyone having a great time. now im pumped when i can help people to have a blast and sexuality is a source of wonderment and hope. please let her know how rad she is and that her radiant energy has helped to transform my life. im sure you’re awesome too. i bet her pee was delightfully refreshing. thanks so much!!
—–
Dear Morgan:

I took this Proxy Paige picture a year or so ago at a movie night my friend Eric Kroll was hosting. My friend Eric Kroll is a magician. Kroll turns pornography into art.

And just like me, Kroll likes old, useless things. So when a box full of film reels discovered on a recent dumpster dive turned into Porno Gold, movie night was on! We put Proxie in charge.

Projectionist Proxy Paige.

Our Adult Entertainment that evening featured a door-to-door salesmen who peddled sex toys; a knocked-up milk maiden who sipped drinks poolside whilst pleasuring her man; and a sex scene with the door-to-door salesman and the lady of the house in a kitchen that had the best thing in the film — a calendar hanging on the wall. If the calendar was telling the truth, the kitchen scene was shot in January of 1972. This would make the actors in their mid-to-late 60’s (maybe even 70!), and I wonder how they would felt that night, sitting in Kroll’s room with us, about the dirty movie they made so long ago?

Your e-mail is super fun, Morgan, cause watching dirty movies can be a great thing, and I grow tired of all the right-wing Christian nut jobs who slam my biz whenever they can, and slam the girls whenever they can, and cite inaccurate statistics whenever they can…and beat off to what they condemn — whenever they can.

And you’re right: Proxy’s piss was delightfully refreshing; as I lay on the filthy bathroom floor — pants hastily pulled down around my ankles — beating off like a monkey in the zoo, Proxy hovering a few feet above my mouth as she relieved herself, I felt as though I was feasting on a fancy Easter brunch, served up at an expensive country club.

Something like that, anyways.

Dr. F. writes:

We corresponded a bit sometime ago and I informed you of my deep appreciation for your racial sensitivity when it came to communicating online with individuals with less than favourable attitudes toward African American male performers. Furthermore sir, as a college professor of critical race studies I discussed you with my interest in doing some analysis of interracial porn an idea you seemed to pooh pooh which I understand as a worker in the industry maybe your perception of IR porn varies from those in academia who may see it evidence of some of the more intense racialized taboos and constructions existing anywhere onscreen. What I am interested in is in doing reception studies work of the audience for interracial porn by reviewing the the website fan commentary on varying sites you have worked with. I appreciate how eclectic your site is, how you use biting and acerbic satirical humor, and how you seek to inform your audience as a practitioner on life in the industry. There is no hint for me of a narcissistic look at me and what I get to do everyday in your writing. One thing I am curious about is the profile of the interracial porn consumer as white male older perhaps conservative with racist views, any proof to that presumption?

I am not just a researcher I am also a fan still just a kid from Detroit who uses big words.

Peace,

Dr. F
Assistant Professor of English, [name of institution removed by Billy] University
———-
Dr. F —

Oh, I miss my days as an educator. What a rewarding career! Funny thing is, right when I walked away from that job and started making dirty movies, often I’d lay in my bed at night and wonder look at me now…I went from enriching a young person’s life to aiding and abetting their ruin. Then, other nights I’d lay there and think ain’t autonomy grand?! Whether or not we’re making the biggest mistakes of our lives, we’re the ones making them, and that in of itself makes life worth living. And of course there’s times when I’d think fuckin’ porn rules and this is the greatest job ever.

Anyway, being an ex-English professor myself, let me mark up your e-mail with my virtual red pen and toss it back at you…not as an insult, either; I want to do this more as a simple exercise. An exercise for myself. I used to teach ENG 101 and 102 at the community college level, and, as I’ve already said, I miss it so.

So here goes: We corresponded a bit sometime ago, and I informed you of my deep appreciation of the way you communicated with racists, specifically those targeting African American male performers. Furthermore, as a college professor of critical race studies, I discussed my interest in analyzing interracial porn — an idea you pooh pooh’d. As a worker in the sex industry, maybe your perception of IR porn varies from others, who may see it as exploiting racial stereotypes. I want to study your audience by reviewing fan commentary on varying Dogfart sites. I appreciate how eclectic your site is, how you use biting and acerbic satirical humor, and how you seek to inform your audience as a practitioner of life in the industry. I am most curious about the IR porn fan: can you prove the typical member of Blacks on Blondes is a white, middle-aged bigot?

I was always a fan of the “less is more”, Charles Bukowski School of Writing…as opposed to the big words you like to use. Speaking of that, did I tell you guys I took the “Bukowski Tour” last month? I enjoyed it, too. I knew Buk’s haunts were close by, but I had no idea some where right around the corner! The rooming house he lived in with Jane (see Barfly with Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway), the fire station that served as the impetus to his big poem of the same name, his favorite liquor store, the post office he worked at, as well as the famous DeLongpre bungalow where a lot of the great work was written.

I digress.

Let me share some of the various member correspondances and let you draw your own conclusions. I may have shared some of these before, but after 1,000 (or so) blog posts, I really can’t recall. I didn’t edit anything; these are all presented verbatim. And remember — these come from the members area. These aren’t random e-mails that came from surfers hitting the Blacks on Blondes tour and bouncing after they hit the “send” button; these come from people who saw the site, pulled out their credit cards, joined, and filled out a form from within the members’ area…which makes for a highly qualitative sample.

But not necessarily quantitative, as there are lots and lots of e-mails filled with praise and other niceties, too.

So let’s have some fun! (And no, I’m not gonna correct these).

email2: MillionsOf@DeadNiggers.com
username: NiggerKiller
explain: Stupid monkeys. This repugnant zoophilic site and those contemptible whores with AIDS really make me puke. I have bashed one of those bitches yesterday, it was very funny and I have the project to create a site called nigger-loving-whores-bashed.com, and in a few years it will be dead-nigger-loving-whores.com I hope you will all die in horrible suffering,this is your destiny.
—
realname: [deleted by Billy]
email: [deleted by Billy]
site: [deleted by Billy]
username: [deleted by Billy]
pass: [deleted by Billy]
explain: Why are there only niggers on your site, if you added more you may sell more, monkey dicks are no fun.
—
email2: [deleted by Billy]
username: black is slave
pass: [deleted by Billy]
explain: you site is fuck,sin and you all will sick etc AIDS etc. You like animal?? your cock that you make proud will destroyuntil you have no power to
play sex. How will happen with you if you don’t finish it?? What God will done for You???? God Bless Us
—
email2: [deleted by Billy]
username: [deleted by Billy]
explain: i go kill all black people on this site becouse you are destruin the white race this fuching unigres must death: sun of hitler
—
email2: eatmyshit@yourarse.com
username: take your pick
pass: [deleted by Billy]
member: [deleted by Billy]
explain: there must be a real shortage of women for your monkeys because there are always more men than women in your shots. Get a job losers.
—
realname: JOE MAMA
email: [deleted by Billy]
site: GloryHole.com
email2: [deleted by Billy]
username: [deleted by Billy]
pass: [deleted by Billy]
explain: WHY THE FUCK ONLY NIGGER DICKS ON YOUR SITE..WHO WANTS TO SEE A MONKEY GET HIS CRANK LICKED I KNOW MY WHITE ASS DOESNT, I GUESS WHOEVER RUNS THIS SITE IS A BIG PLANET OF THE APE, WHO WALKS AND SCRAPES HIS KNUCKLES ON THE GROUND..EITHER THAT OR A FAGGOT!!!
—
email2: big white nigger fucker@msn.com
username: hell if i no who you are
pass: [deleted by Billy]
explain: you no good niggers, i had to fight for every piece of ass i ever wanted from a women.i resent watching you fucking a white petite female.because i never got a young petite white female and im white .why don,t you go home to afro if you don,t like it here.but what is there not to like,your getting good tight females pussee and all the love from a female you want.and money too and laughing at them meatheads who are buying this shit.them white whores your fucking are not real women,the the devils females .black devils.
—
email2: [deleted by Billy]
username: N/A
pass: N/A
member: N/A
explain: LOOK YOU SORRY SACK OF ASSHOLES WHITE GIRLS WANT TO FUCK WHITE MEN AND WHITE MEN ONLY YOU LL BETTER STOP BRIBING WHITE GIRLS INTO FUCKING NIGGERS OOR I WILL HAVE UR WEB SITES VIDEOS THROWN OFF THE INTERNET PERMANENTLY AND YALL THROWN IN JAIL FOR A VERY VERY LONG TIME TRUST ME TOOO I CAN DO IT TOO
—
email2: KILLNIGGERS@KN.com
username: The ONlygoodnigger is a dead nigger
explain: Congrats Dogshit, you are now a Target of the NOOP It’s a shame to see such poentially good farm machinery go to waste. It’s not the fact that you’re fucking white chicks that has made you a target. It’s that you try to disrespect white men while you’re doing it. Last night after we saw your website we picked up some sorry nigger at a club,(one of our girfriends gladly lured him to us) and torturd him for hours before we killed him. We cut his “little” cock off and let him slowly bleed to death in a trashbarrel full of ice cubes. That nigger died because of you…..Fuck your little white whores, leave the shots at white men off the website or we’ll kill another one. One of you. Look before you leap, nigger We know where to find you all.. You’re dummer than we thought if you think we can’t find you. We are police, lawers, docters, IRS, FBI, and even CIA We’re not a bunch of redneck hicks if that’s what you think. Make no mistake You will all die. Piss a black man off and he’ll steal your hubcaps. Piss a whiteman off and he’ll kill your whole family.
Signed
The New Order Of Purity
—
There’s just a few gems off the top o’ the heap, Dr. F. It’s funny, cause some people out there actually believe it’s the staff at Blacks on Blondes who whip these babies up. I’d show you some nice ones, but they’re no fun, and they really don’t support (or contradict) your thesis.

I’ll leave it at this — I think a lot of consumers feel guilty after using porn as their masturbatory aid, and sometimes they’re drunk, or stoned (or both), after a jerk session, and a lot of these e-mails are the result. And yes, I think a lot of the men who dig IR porn are middle-aged bigots.

But what do I really know — except Wilco is playing a whole bunch of shows next month, and they’re gonna be in my neighborhood, and I shall be there, front and center.

Joe writes: I was reading your blog yesterday and I started to wonder about the financial life of pornstars. I have always been interested in the business side of porn and your line of work has some unusual issues which would make financial planning complicated and a bit specialized. Specifically, there is an unusual curve for earning power and a shorter than normal time horizon for investments. Quite simply, I am writing to inquire whether financial advising services are currently available and utilized by talent in your industry. Do you think pornstars would even be interested in this type of advice?
—————————

I think it’s fairly common knowledge that, for the most part, the “financial life of pornstars” can be best described as a clusterfuck. In fact, me and my pal Nicky Milo talk about it all the time, and every time we talk about it, I kinda amaze myself that I’m rehashing it yet another time.

You probably catch yourself doing the same thing. I mean not with the financial planning of a Porno Princess, but there’s gotta be some topic you and your wife (or GF or friend) talk about, over and over. Right? Well, me and Nicky will get on the phone, and start bitching about our jobs, and the next thing I know one of us will say something like, “…and can you believe she told me she’s broke? She can’t pay rent and she’s looking at hotels with weekly rates and moving all of her shit to storage and she wants to know if she can get same-day pay!”

Any why is it surprising that 95% of all the porn girls live day-to-day when it comes to finances? Let’s all think about this out loud for a sec: I don’t know any 18 to 25 year olds who manage money well. It’s really not the time in your life to do such a thing, is it? I blew through so much student loan money at that age it was crazy. Most of the shit I bought had nothing to do with my education: a cool, salt water fish tank for my apartment, a stereo, clothes, as well as drinking binges throughout most of the fall semester.

And I’m a “normal” dude who grew up in a middle-class home.

Barbie Cummings once told me she grew up so poor she ate mustard sandwiches in her double-wide, and on weekends her mom spiced up their life with Oscar Meyer hot dogs.

One of the things most people don’t talk about when they talk about the formative years of a Porno Princess is poverty.

In addition to a(n) absentee parent(s), a strict religious upbringing, lack of a formal education (GED’s don’t count for shit as far as I’m concerned), and an abusive family friend or relative, many of your favorite porn stars grew up poor. Really poor. Put yourself in that situation, and then, you turn 18, haul ass out of the house, move to Los Angeles, and suddenly find yourself earning $20,000 a month.

What are you gonna do with all that money? Run to the Northridge branch of the Charles Schwab office — or the Northridge mall? You gonna shop CD rates at the various San Fernando banks and S&L’s — or send some money home to your shitty parents in an effort to win some love and validation? It’s also very important that a Porno Princess show her True Love how much she truly loves him (especially since she’s making all this new-found money by banging other men) by financing any and all Lame-O Ideas: loaning him a large down-payment for a car and recording studio time are the first two things that popped into my head.

Let’s all chuckle a bit when I use the word “loan”, and since I’m on that topic, let’s not forget to lend all your “friends” money.

Then, there’s rent and bills to pay (you know how expensive a nice place is in SoCal); finally, there’s lots of partying to do.

Lots of parties. And partying.

What’s left?

Not to worry! There’s always another job…for the most part. (Work is drying up rapidly).

Notice how I left out the IRS? Yea…most Porno Princesses leave that part out, too.

So, no, Joe, not a lot of porn stars would be interested in your financial wisdom. Especially if they’re still wasted from the night before. You might have some luck setting up a meeting — if you catch them while they’re sober, though. But don’t expect to close any deals.

Unless you got $1000 and a clean test.

Jimmy writes:

As I consider you to be the Cecil Adams of porn (Cecil, of course, authors the long-running “Straight Dope” column) I want to know something about Black Cock Sluts, specifically, do they really exist in Porn Valley, or is a paycheck a paycheck?

Having watched far too much IR porn for far too long than I usually admit, I will from time to time run across various references in blogs and such to certain porn actresses as being a “black cock slut”.

Not one to accept blind assertions without evidence, I will search my trusty IAFD database to see if true. My contention is that yes, they do exist, but they are often not the names usually mentioned. Let me illustrate by example: the adorable Bree Olson is often referred to as a black cock slut. True, she is credited with 21 IR appearances, according to IAFD. But Bree has been a busy girl in general, having notched a grand total of 140 appearances during her relatively short career. So while Bree is surely not adverse to working with The Black Man, I think it’s a bit of a stretch to hang the BCS tag on her.

I know this is a topic you have discussed in general terms on your blog from time to time, but if you could elaborate a bit it would be appreciated. Names would be nice, though I’m aware you have a level of discretion you must maintain. Personal experiences or vignettes you can share would be also be nice.

And, lastly, it would seem that if 90% of one’s B-G work involves interracial, one would almost have to deliberately go out of one’s way to work with tha’ brothas – mere random chance or simply checking the box labeled “IR” on the talent agent’s bio card couldn’t possibly lead to a 90% rating. True?

Thanks for all you do, you dirty smut peddler you.

——————————————————-

Wanna hear something funny, Jimmy? I mean, beside the fact that I waited about a year and a half to answer you?

I actually wrote to Cecil Adams, once. It was a long, long time ago, and it was the first and only time I ever wrote a letter to the author of an advice column, and I did it cause I loved Cecil Adams back then…so I take your “Cecil Adams of porn” label as a compliment. I just wonder how many others know about Cecil?

As far as Porn Valley goes, let’s get one thing straight: we’re all here for the paycheck. Cause, after all, this is a job. You expect a pay check after a long day’s work, right?

Sure, there’s some Porno Princesses who do it for the check. And there’s some who are really into the brothas, so I guess you could call them Black Cock Sluts, and I might as well mention they’re not limited to Porn Valley. Who knows, you might be living next to a BCS. I’ll also add that it’s not limited to gender, either. Are you a BCS? After all, you admit to watching “far too much IR porn for far too long”.

I know, I know. You could say the same thing about me. I’ve been shooting IR porn now for 8 years — this month. But No Way Am I Gay.

Speaking of that, you know one of the most common e-mails Blacks on Blondes receives is something that goes like this: Dear BOB. Hi! My name is Jimmy, and I want to tell you guys that I can suck that big black cock better than the girls who are on your site!”

Hence, Blacks on Boys.

Speaking of that, you know one of the most common e-mails Blacks on Blondes receives is something that goes like this: Dear BOB. Hi! My name is Jimmy, and I want to tell you guys my wife can suck that big black cock better than the girls who are on your site! In fact, she wants to get gang-banged while I watch! Please set it up!!! I’ll even pay!!!”

Hence, Cuckold Sessions.

Speaking of that, you know one of the most common e-mails Blacks on Blondes receives is something that goes like this: Dear BOB. Stupid monkeys. This repugnant zoophilic site and those contemptible whores with AIDS really make me puke. I have bashed one of those bitches yesterday, it was very funny and I have the project to create a site called nigger-loving-whores-bashed.com, and in a few years it will be dead-nigger-loving-whores.com. I hope you will all die in horrible suffering, this is your destiny. Luv, NiggerKiller.

We haven’t started that site yet.

But I digress.

Oh yea, you want some names: off the top of my head, Sophie Dee is BCS, Tara Lynn Foxx and Cameron Love, too; Kimmy and Chayse and Leenuh and Jada Stevens for sure is BCS; and finally, Jaelyn Fox is the biggest BCS of all. She’s Queen of the BCS.

Anyway, Jimmy, I’ve babbled too long. For the record, BCS’s do exist. Just like panty-sniffers exist. There’s piss drinkers and shit eaters, men who like to wear ladies’ panties and women who like to wear men’s underwear. There’s men who jack off on Barbie dolls, women who like to get choked out during sex, and pervs who like to look at pictures of beautiful naked ladies wearing nothing but a panda mask whilst performing mundane tasks.

When I first got into this business, I thought there were like 4 things that made people moan really loud; now I know there’s a million different things. And I have no idea what happened to them during their formative years to make them moan at what they moan at…but it happened.

I know what happened to me.

Just try not to judge…cause, after all, that’s not the Christian thing to do — right?

Your pal — Billy

Lola writes:

I had a professor who found his wife on match.com. He is a devout Christian (allegedly) who teaches Tort Law, which he never seems to really understand or be able to explain in more complex terms than “A hits B, B sues.” She is a psychologist who seemed like she was fed up with her Jewish mother telling her to get married, so she got married. Where I’m going with this is that “what do you do for a living” was the first and probably only thing they could have possibly asked each other considering that he can’t put a sentence together and she has nothing in common with him.

You would have to either tell her before you ever met her what it is that you really do, or come up with better lies.

I think you should just come up with better lies. For example, “I write a blog about entertainment.” You don’t have to be Perez Hilton for people to respect it. And it is true because people watch porn for entertainment and well, you do write a blog. I guess you would have to eventually confess your employment situation, but that could be years from now. And if she wants to read the blog, tell her she’s gotta find it herself. Nothing wrong with that.
——————–

So I registered with OK Cupid a few weeks ago, after I blogged about wanting to find a non-whore girlfriend; and upon signing in creating a user name, a sudden wave a depression hit. I can’t really explain it, but all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming need to log off and walk away from my lap top.

Then, after a few minutes –and still feeling mighty blue — I logged back in.

Actually, I can explain it now that I think more about it; the whole idea of creating a user name drove me nuts. And completing a profile made me wanna jump off a bridge.

Not really, but you know what I mean.

User name: do I just give myself a straightforward name (Billy Watson) or something witty or fun or cutesy-pie? After reading through some of these ads, it seems like it’s all about being witty or fun or cutesy-pie.

Ugh.

I logged off and haven’t logged back in.

I was gonna blog about setting up a user name and a profile, and then address Lola’s advice about lying my ass off, but since that didn’t happen, why not tell you about the time I asked a Porno Princess to be my girlfriend? I mean it’s related, right? Plus, it’s a decent segue from setting up an OKCupid account to find a girlfriend…and actually asking one to be my girlfriend…so why not?

Porno Princess and I were pals for quite sometime — maybe even two or three years. In all that time we never banged. Never once fucked around. Never did anything but hang out as friends and enjoy each others’ company. Which I really liked, for the most part. Then, one night not that long ago, we were over at her house, drinking wine and watching Chelsea Handler. I’m not a huge fan of Ms. Handler, but she is — basically cause she kinda is Chelsea Handler, if you know what I mean: an aging, bitter chick who’s pissed at the world, and in order to cope with her issues simply makes jokes at everyone’s expense; in fact, the only real difference between my Porno Princess Pal and Chelsea Handler is Chelsea got her own show.

Anyway, we’re watching Chelsea, and I’m a little wine drunk and feeling…well, kinda like I wanted a girlfriend. Which is to say it wasn’t all about banging as much as “hey, we would make a good couple” — which, if I remember correctly, were my exact words.

“No room for old men!” she shrieked.

We were laying down on her bed, next to each other. I looked into her eyes and said, “excuse me?”

This time she shrieked a littler louder and repeated herself: “No room for old men!” Then, she jumped out of bed and scooped up her chihuahua and walked out of her room and out of her tiny apartment and down to the front yard. I was taken back, not because she declined my advance, but only because she played the age game.

This coming from a shot-out Porno Princess who’s approaching 35.

I laid in bed for a second, feeling more awkward and silly than I had in recent memory. SO I left. And on my way past her in the front yard, I don’t remember what I said, but I wanted to say something like “really? I mean really?!” But I didn’t.

And I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. When she did call, she let me know I had been put on a two week “probation” for my behavior, which, to this day, kinda befuddles me. I mean it would be one thing if I reached over and grabbed a tit and blurted out, “let’s fuck!”

“Um…all I asked is if you wanted to be a couple,” I said.

“You wanted to bang!” she quipped.

“No. Not at all. I asked if you wanted to be my girlfriend.”

She asked, “Isn’t that the same thing?”

Not even close. We all know that. Like I even need to explain the difference — which I didn’t. I just kinda bit my lip and just rolled my eyes as we ended our conversation, and not too long after this all went down, and in a completely different story that features a lot more bad behavior on her part and has nothing to do with what I just told you, I ended our friendship.

Funny thing is, I’ve kinda missed her ever since.

White Stick Dick writes:

Billy: Very attractive whiteboi 35 who makes 80k per yr and has a tiny thin whiteboi clit. Would love to serve as a whiteboi bitch in a cb6000 and eat black MAN’s sweet cum out of a bimbo princesses treasurebox. I think I would be perfect as an attractive whiteboi I am a perfect example of submission to black inches. The whitebois should be slapped and pushed around more by the bulls and barbies so please hire me for cuckold sessions!
———————————-

What timing! I’m actually looking for new cuckolds! You’re probably not very serious though, as most of the e-mails I receive are pretty much the same: dudes want to get onto the site, and when it’s really offered up — they balk. Or “think about it”…

Not too much of a surprise, though. Same thing happens when dudes wanna get into the porno game. But that’s another blog.

Let’s digress!

The first time I heard the term “cuckold” was years before I started making dirty movies. You’re never gonna believe how I learned about cuckolds, either. I was in an undergrad English Lit class. This would have been the spring of ’87. I was approaching my sixth year as an undergrad. It was a Chaucer class. The Canterbury Tales. The Miller’s Tale.

Here’s a lesson on cuckolds, of which I’ll toss out some stuff I remember from my undergrad days, as well as some paraphrasing from the Wiki article on cuckolds: a cuckold is basically a dude who knows his wife is cheating on him…and he’s A-OK with it.

There ya go.

That’s it.

All this interracial sex stuff and making fun of hubby’s small wee-wee and male chastity belts (the cb6000 — the Cadillac of chastity belts) and eating a creampie after the dude nuts in your wife’s pussy is all made up by fetishists after the fact. Just to make it nastier, I suppose.

As if watching your loved one get banged out isn’t nasty enough.

Anyways, if you wanna be a cuckold, hit me up. I need some. You can’t hide your face or wear a mask. If you’re a knucklehead don’t bug me. If you’re a pervy creep that’s a good thing, but you gotta be on your best behavior before the camera starts rolling and after I turn it off. You will be paid. You gotta get yourself to Los Angeles. You gotta be over 18. You gotta have two forms of ID, one of which must be issued by the government (driver’s license, passport, state or military ID work great).

Um…that is all.

A Concerned Reader writes:

Maybe it’s the sad state of the economy, but your blog seems to have lost its sharp and snarky edge. Have you become a Booster of your industry? You used to really be down on it – now you appear to be toeing the party line in order to prevent further collapse…
—————
I just consulted dictionary.com to make sure “snarky” was indeed a word. Not only is it legit, but it’s British in origin. At least that’s what my quick, cheap & easy internet research tells me.

Remember what a pain in the ass research used to be? Driving to the library. Card catalogs. Periodic guides to literature. Microfilms & microfiche.

Ugh.

Being a pornographer is really weird. There’s no sugarcoating it. I kinda hit on this briefly in yesterday’s post — about leaving my body while I shoot it. It’s creepy and fucked-up and great — all at the same time. That’s why I say it’s weird. It’s a profession in which almost everyone enters…just to get out of.

“I’m just doing this for a little while,” they all say. “Just to pay off my car” or “til I graduate from college” or “until I pay off my (insert the family member here) medical bills.” (I’d like to add they never pay off the car, graduate, or take pay off momma’s cancer bills).

I did the same, too; my “little while” will turn 8 this August. My mom reminds me of this all the time. I told her, when I got in, that I’d do it for “a year or so”.

All this rhetoric is nothing more than a segue into being sharp and snarky. I dunno about how sharp the blogging is…but snarky? Do I really come off as snarky?

When Audrey Elson and I hung out, one night we were catching a movie together, and I asked her how other people perceived me. It was something I really didn’t think much about, but for some reason I did that night, and every once in a while I still do.

When I was teaching, a lot of my students perceived me as gay. “No way!” I’d exclaim. But I really don’t blame them. Funny how students behave. Once you dig into the first few weeks of the semester, students ask all sorts of personal questions. First, they want to know how old you are. Then, they want to know if you’re married. So, I’d answer them, and then, when I told them I lived in San Francisco, they’d give me this look. It’s hard to explain, and even harder to write about. Maybe if I italicize “look” — as in, they’d give me this look.

In a nutshell, I was their gay English professor.

I don’t recall what Audrey said, but I’m certain “snarky” was no where to be found. In fact, no one has ever called me snarky, but I kinda like it. I wouldn’t say I’m a “booster” of my biz; however; I am a booster of intellectual property, whether it’s tangible or not. This means I buy the things I like: music, software, and movies. Don’t get me wrong — I have no problem if people trade some files. But the same people who rip everything off scream and cry when they get ripped off, and that bugs me to no end.

The other night I was having dinner with some old friends, some of which play in a band. A gigging band that could break out someday…once they decide they’re good enough on their own and stop trying to be U2. I mean really…why be U2? I actually wanted to grab the lead singer by his shoulders after their gig at The Viper Room and shake some sense into him: if you’re gonna rip off a band, become The MC5, or The Stooges, or The New York Dolls, or T. Rex! I didn’t do that, of course, but I did listen to them complain about the state of the music industry, and how the fans are nothing more than thieves, and how bands can no longer make a living off CD sales and are depending on tangible things to sell, like t-shirts and posters. As I listened, all I could think of is, if you pulled the word “music” and inserted “porn”, they’d sound just like me!

Imagine that sorry state of affairs — sounding like me.

Speaking of swapping out “music” for “porn”, let’s have some fun: Hunter S. Thompson once said, “The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”

Just like my pals and U2, I’ll steal from The Good Doctor right now: The porn business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.

Snarky, huh?

And I’d like to think I’m one of the good men…but we all know better.