Actually not an e-mail, but a comment on one of my Riley Mason blog entries from a Mr. Dennis Moore:

Dear Mr. Piece Of Shit I Shoot Porn Man,

PS. Keep up the good work!

Poor Dennis. Such an angry man. Imagine walking around all day with that much anger builing up inside. So much that you wish a fatal diesease upon someone. Sometimes I think people who hate went through some serious psychological trauma as a child…like, maybe, getting caught beating the meat by momma and poppa in junior high.

By the way, did I mention I’m starting to practice Tibetan Buddhism? I’m very serious here. I was baptized, made my first confession, and took communion as a Catholic, then my parents quit dragging me and sis to church. We went for Midnight Mass and Easter for a few more years, but that was it. I thought about returning to the Church in 97 while in grad school, but nah…The Pope as infallible just didn’t do it for me.

Now, every morning, I get up and try to remember to recite my daily Buddhist prayer: “May all living beings be happy. May they not suffer. How wonderful it would be if they could find permanent happiness. May everyone attain liberation. May I help other beings reach enlightment.”

I know. What a hypocrite. How in the world can someone spiritual create something so awful and dirty like pornography? It’s really one of the dilemmas in my life.

Little Brother, on the other hand, doesn’t care about Buddhism. This is his reply to “Indy Rock” Dennis Moore:

Tell him Indie Rock is for pussies whose older brother used to listen to the Cure. They wanted to be so much like their older brother, that they went out and bought the “Garden State” soundtrack cause it was Indie. As soon as you get your ass to a TurboNegro show with Eagles of Deathmetal opening, then you can have this chat in person. Fuck Indie is gay. Let me ask you this, Dennis? Where is your Compass Star tattoo? Prolly above your ass crack, to make a nice bullseye when your boyfriend ejaculates all over your back while those pussies the Shins are playing on your super cool turntable… n00b

and GBV suck too… fucker

May all living beings be happy. May they not suffer. How wonderful it would be if they could find permanent happiness. May everyone attain liberation. May I help other beings reach enlightment.

A. writes:

Billy,

-A

Dear A.

Are you sure you’re not looking at The Cock? Cause if you are, well, join the club. Dudes look at other dude’s dicks all the time. Doesn’t mean you’re gay. It’s OK man…don’t sweat it.

A pierced pee-pee is immensely popular in gay culture…but no way are you gay, right?

Your e-mail had me all over the net, cause I wanted to find out why the fuck poor Prince Albert has had his name attached to something that’s totally gay.

Here’s what Wikipedia says: “The Prince Albert piercing is often claimed to be named after Queen Victoria’s consort Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. It is alleged that he wore a ring attached to his penis which was then strapped to his thigh, in order to maintain the smooth line of the tight trousers that were in fashion at the time. It is very difficult to ascertain the validity of this story, and the claim seems highly unlikely. No contemporary account of him adopting the practice has come to light, and many suspect that it was a myth invented by Doug Malloy who helped popularize body piercing in the United States, and who also created much of the false history commonly attached to many body piercings. It has also been theorised that the name actually refers to Queen Victoria’s grandson Prince Albert Victor. This second theory probably stems from attempts to link Prince Albert Victor with the Jack the Ripper murders”

Hey, just out of curiosity, do you wear tight trousers, A?

It’s OK to admit it if you do…really, tight trousers are totally in right now. In fact, Spring Thomas took me clothes shopping recently, cause…well, I haven’t been since 1998. She was all about tight trousers. She even said, after I walked out of the dressing room in a pair I eventually bought, that I had a “nice package, even though it’s only 6 inches.”

Ain’t life grand?

Your pal,

Billy.

Oh! PS: I don’t know why any male pornstars don’t have a pierced dick. None of the ones I have shot do, anyway…however, there’s a lot of gay porn shot in my studio, and all those dudes have their dicks pierced. Hope this helps!

(Not-the-real) Ron Jeremy writes:

Hi Billy, I can see why you were smitten with nicole, she is a hottie her own unique way. Ok, the cuckhold stuff is all fine and well but how about showing whitey in a position of power in one of your shoots? Here is the scene:

1-big muscular white dude is playing tarzan and is walking in the jungle
2-he comes upon a chick hiking who is lost
3-he bangs the crap out of her
4-she then wants to cuddle or whatever after they are done, she is looking at him all lovey dovey
5-he wants none of that, he stands up and lets out a big tarzan call
6-byron long, wesley pipes and a load of others come swinging in on vines
7-we all know what goes down from here, just make sure they dont actually speak, they should strictly make primate noises

Dear Ron Jeremy:

This is the funnest, most best-est e-mail I think I have ever had the pleasure to read. Thank you for sending it. You made me laugh very, very hard. By the way, a guy I know used to own “Savages on Blondes“, but it was really just a front for the world famous – the very fuckin’ best – interracial sex site ever invented: Blacks On Blondes.

Your pal,

Billy

L. writes:

Hi there Billy. Love your blog, read it every update since about December or so. There is something very interesting about the intelligent minds behind porn, I can’t say what it is, but it is the only type of blog I read religiously. Anyway, I have a problem, ever since I dumped my first and only steady girlfriend about 4 years ago, the only chicks I have been with since have been porn and stripper chicks. It’s like they are the only ones attracted to me. To tell the truth, at first I was excited, like any guy. Great sex, they look great for the most part. Blah Blah Blah. Well here I am 4 years later, with no girlfriend, just a bunch of one night stands, and crappy breakups. I am tired of these porn chicks, do you have any advice for getting a normal chick?

Hey L.

Are you fucking kidding me bro? Let’s see if I have this straight: you dumped your old, tired chick…the one you had been banging for the same time it takes to have the Olympics, and now you’re banging strippers and porn whores? What the fuck can possibly be wrong with that?

And isn’t a “one night stand” strung together with “crappy breakups” some sort of bad oxymoron?

I wish I had some advice for you on getting a “normal” chick, but honestly, I can’t. I haven’t dated a normal chick since 1997. And besides, what’s normal, anyway? The only normal chicks I know have been married for 15 or 20 years, their pussies are stretched out to the max from spitting out too many kids, and their hubbies have been cheating on them since 1992. Trust me, I know this, cause I’ve managed to duck the ugly suckerpunch that is marriage (up to now), so when all my married pals cheat, or are looking to cheat, somehow, I get involved.

Oh, ain’t life grand? It is for you anyway…remember this, my friend: the grass is always greener on the other side…or, as Byron Long said, when I asked him what’s the best pussy he ever had, “it’s the one I’m about to fuck for the first time.”

I never really had any intentions of making this blog an advice column, but you know what? I like doling out advice. So much so I think, from now on, when someone sends me a question, and I want to blog it, I’m just gonna post a random nudie pic of a chick I shot from whenver…for whatever site I shoot. And maybe link it to a gallery. Then, somehow tie it all together.

So here’s Mackenzie in her cute, oversized underpants. Which links to the gallery in which she blew a whole lotta guys. Oh, by the way, Mackenzie is smart, she’s in grad school, holds a job, and is quite an athlete. So she’s “normal”, right?

But she’s done porno. Still does, I think, from time to time. Click on her pic, and you’re looking at her 7 man blow bang. So she’s a “porn chick”?

Do you date her or not?

Suddenly, I’ve started confusing myself.

If anyone needs any help with anything, just remember your pal Billy is here to counsel. In fact, if anyone would like to send me an e-mail asking for advice, please put “Help Me Counselor Billy” in the subject line.

Now you may carry on.

B. writes:

Hey man, I’ve been a fan of your site for some time now. I’m fascinated by the workings of the porno world, and your blogs are a great way to see how things tick.

Sincerely,
B.

Hey B!

Thanks a lot for all your kind words. In a nutshell, yes, the “Gholes” I shoot are real.

Very real.

They’re kinda scary sometimes. I’m worried more about us getting nabbed by the police than if a girl catches an STD. That’s kind of a dickish thing to say, huh? And I’ll be totally honest here: like most people, I’m a creature of habit. I tend to shoot my gloryholes at the same holes, and usually at the same time. Some of the dudes who visit these sorts of filthy places are creatures of habit, too…so sometimes I recognize the dick as it pops through the hole.

I have no idea why I just mentioned that. Oh yea I do…cause no one’s gotten anything yet.

Anyway, AIDS is a tough gig to catch. Really tough. You’re right, too…it’s transmitted through bodily fluids, and semen is just that; however, you’ve really got to be doing something you’re not supposed to be doing in order to catch it.

In other words, gloryholes are just fine! Besides, the likelihood of someone catching the virus through a blowjob are Slim and none…and Slim just left town. Read any science book, and it’ll say just that. Verbatim.

Now, am I advocating you to haul ass to the local Ye Adult Bookshoppe, pay your fiver to get into the arcade, and stick your dinky (or dong, cause hell, I don’t know you B.) through a hole in the wall?

Not on your life, my friend. I highly advise against sharing a needle with anyone, or letting anyone stick their dick up your pooper, either. Those are high, high risk activities, and besides, is any of that really any fun, anyway?

Gloryholes, on the other hand, are terrific fun. Don’t believe me? Here – take a look at some of these Gloryhole movies with Julia Bond in them. They’re some free gloryhole movies with Goldie Coxx, too.

Or take a look at the total heet I shot a while back – Estelle. She’s the girl pictured up top, grabbing the black man’s weiner as it’s coming through the hole. A total blonde heet, with a killer British accent. We shot this at a very filthy adult bookstore in Southern California. I wish I could tell you were it is, but then, all the fun would go away.

Estelle, like most Brits, is a very naughty, dirty girl. She came directly from the UK to make dirty movies, and I hired her immediately, and first things first! … we went to the Gloryhole and she loved every naughty minute. You should really check it out.

See how much fun all the girls are having on both sites? All smiles and giggles. It’s fun like a bat mitzvah! Or a Quinceanera! And no jizz gets anywhere near anything that could infect them with anything!

Hope this helps, and please, by all means, ask me anything…anytime at all!

Your pal, Billy

J. writes:

My name is J., I’m 21 years old. I was born on 2/11/84 and I live in Santa Maria, CA. I’m looking to give the porn star actor job a try. I recently found out that I can have some really good sex. I am eager to give chicks oral pleasure first before anything and I can go for relatively long periods of time without cumming. I can do 2 movements while using my dick. I can do in and out and stirring around at different speeds. I’m willing to do just about anything with some chicks. I can really use the money. I’m sick of being dependant on my damn parents. I’m about to learn more about things like sex magick and tantra. I have an instructional video on it. I think that it would be awsome to do sex magick/tantra like porno.

Why is it that every single dude that e-mails me wanting to be a porn star never mentions the size of their fucking dick?

Hey, J! And the other 15 or 20 guys that have sent me their resumes…I don’t care about how much you like sex. I don’t care about your moves, your parents, your financial situation. I don’t care about magick or tantra.

2 movements while using your dick?

Anyway, I just need to know two things: are you 18? Are you packing 8 inches or more?

That’s it. Nothing else matters.

Now, when you measure your weiner, please go from the base to the head. Don’t start at your asshole, or the base of your sac. Certainly don’t start at mid-thigh.

The base to the head.

8 inches or more.

Then, be able to get yourself to LA, and be ready to fuck brand new, super hot pussy in front of strangers, and no cumming until you’re told to…which will be 20 – 25 minutes after being in the new, fresh pussy and fucking it hard. This, of course, after you get your AIM test.

Finally, if I know anyone that wants to do magic-trick porno, I’ll forward them to you. I assume that’s like pulling a rabbit out of a hat while you’re blasting a girl in the face with your spooge?

Thank you.

Your pal, Billy.

Ron Jeremy writes:

Hi Bill,

The Money – How did you get into it? Do you also do the web programming, if not who does? The mansion is rented i take it? Dogfart looks like an older dude, was this his original idea and he bankrolled it? Do you guys make sick money? Do you spend it all or save?

Hi Ron!

Without naming names (in most instances) I’ll go ahead and answer your questions, in order. And remember, just like all my blog entries go, no bullshit here, brother!

The blacks: Most of the African-American Gentlemen I hire for my boss at Blacks On Blondes are indeed scary guys. Some are not. Some are self-proclaimed “penitentiary niggers” and some are college educated guys. All of them know their way to the mansion. And like any workplace, there’s good days and there’s bad days. Sometimes we laugh and have fun. Sometimes there’s death threats. Like I said…just like any other workplace, right?

Most of the talent I book is through referrals or talent agencies. The only really bad expericences I’ve had with black guys are the ones I’ve yet to work with. I could spin a tale of woe or two right now, but let’s just say I’ve called 911 a few times. I think I’m going to buy me a taser gun, too. I’ve posted the rates I pay my talent a few times here…just do a search and check it out. And all talent – from cute little teenie-boppers who just turned 18 to Mr. Wesley Pipes (the particulary scary guy you mentioned with the gun tattooed to his stomach) all have clean STD tests.

The girls: Let’s face it, Ron. It’s not normal for a girl to get videotaped getting gangbanged by a bunch of black guys. Suffice it to say they’re “not normal”. I have a pretty good working relationship with the talent I hire. A few I’ll even go as far as saying are close, personal friends. That doesn’t make them any less crazy. They’re all a pretty nutty lot. (As are the dudes.) I am pretty nutty, too.

I’ve had a few breakdowns on set, and sure, I try my best to console them. One girl was carried out of the Secret Mansion in a fetal ball. She was not crying. And the only reason she was carried out was she refused to leave. However, most of the girls I’ve hired – and I’ve hired a whole lot – walk out of the mansion with a smile on their face. I’d say about 90% are happy…8% are pissed, and 2% won’t ever come back again. For whatever reason.

Funny you mention Spring Thomas. Like most porn stars, Spring spends money like it’s burning a hole in her purse. Why do you think she smokes weed…let alone any other drugs? Spring’s 100% drug free. Booze is a different story. (She does not have a problem with booze. They get along fine.)

The money: I wouldn’t say I’m rolling in money, but I do OK. You have to know the secret handshake in order to bust into the biz. (Again, search my archives for more details). I shoot content; I really know nothing about coding or web design…although I recognize a good site when I see it. And finally, we all spend money like Spring does…isn’t that what life’s all about?

Your pal,

Billy

The Minion responds to Mia Bangg’s interview:

Billy, Mia’s a funny girl. I don’t smell. I shower before each scene in which I place my flaccid pecker in some whores mouth.

The Minion.

Dear Minion:

I believe you, my friend.

Lunch? Soon! I will bring my camera to the buffet, too.

And it’s on me.