DN The Hater writes:

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?”

“That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

“A female horth.”

So he shows him a prized filly.

“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

So the guy picks up th e midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth”?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?”

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf. Can I see her twot?”

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.

“Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound awiddlebit?”

Rufus writes:

You’re an interesting guy with an edgy & exciting profession. My background is in psych. I’m an observer of the interracial phenomena & I’ll be doing work in this area. I’d like to compliment you on your shooting style. You frame the female body well & pay extra attention to their best features. Some of your dialogue with the performers is good – i realize it can’t be too scripted & that some performers are too wasted or lacking. Some of what you encourage really winds down @ my avenue of study. Obviously the “Once you go black” has hit the mark in the jealousy factor with white males. The comments from the girls on the Black Man’s size presses the penis-envy button. The girls who can slyly smile & sell it to the camera are worth their weight in gold I’d imagine.

The cuckold phenomena when combined with the social psychology of the interracial dynamic has to be a winner. Obviously if it wasn’t, you wouldn’t shoot it. It must be difficult to find straight male actors to be the cuckolds – because of the stigma of their prevailing sexual roles as norm. My research shows that visibly feminine males as cuckolds aren’t a turnon to most white & black men & the higher percentage of women. When the cuckold is coerced, particularly by a more dominant female, a “wimpy” cuckold is more acceptable as realistic. If you can combine a fear factor* with the humiliation, you might push the envelope a bit further. Humiliating her boyfriend by laughing @ the Black Man’s jokes or siding with him in his wishes hits the mark (The Cum Eating Cuckolds series does this well, especially Lei Lani, Lorena Sanchez, Chelsie Rae & Samantha Sin) A suggestion for the cuckold’s impact – rather than him cumming on himself or the girl, have the girl make him jerk into the toilet (or a rubber). This will further distance the connection from the white male to the white female. If she pisses on his cum, sprays disinfectant on it etc, she will visually represent her disdain for the white seed while offering acceptance of Black potence.

One particular dialogue you shot had approached the fear factor with Barbie Cummings. The pro- Black Panther, kill off the white man theme is a step up from the “superior” baby concept, as good as that is. She was doing ICE (who many are regarding as the next Mandingo) – reinforcing the superior, mocking the inferior, championing the “natural selection” while opening up the greatest unspoken fear of your target market. If you could find the right avenue to exploit this category, it colud be the “bomb”. What was your feedback from members like on that one ? Too contraversial ?

The Spring / Katie sites are good for what they are – although you’d found a realistic cuckold boyfriend scenario with Spring – this could really be marketed to young females. I don’t know what % of your customers are female, but that approach could be tweaked to expand your viewing base. I could go on but that might be too much for a first contact. Reply if you’re able & keep up the great work …

Summary Of Billy’s Best Work

Best cumshot position – side by side – both the girls face & the ejaculation are featured …
Best internal position – reverse cowgirl – tight shot on Black Male’s testicles & vein (providing that they flex & pulse) (Brandi Lyons)
Best cuckold scene – Aiden Layne or Spring Thomas (museum)
Best conversion Trinity Post ???
Best wad – Ice Cold (Katie Thomas)
Best prayer – Haley Scott – this opens up a whole new front to play with …
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Rufus!

My main most man — and biggest fan. Thanks for the praise, and can I just say one thing?

Um…maybe you’re taking this a little too seriously?

Your pal — Billy

Dutch Dave writes:

Mr. Watson,

Although I would never question your veracity, I question your statement regarding the existence of glory holes at least as far as heterosexual, taking all comers variety of glory holes.

I don’t dispute that gay glory holes exist, the inventive, unsanitary risk taking of our gay brothers always astounds yet never surprises. However the glory holes you photograph, although entertaining, strains my credulity and lacks a feeling of verisimilitude even while it tickles my risibilities.

The well know requirement for blood testing of all participants in what is a fantasy scenario performed for money raises doubts. Its a job and it seems unlikely a pro would risk unemployment even for what is undoubtedly well remunerated work. They would be unemployable while being re-tested or being treated for any STDs they acquired. Perhaps there’s a
fetish site I am unfamiliar with: Amateurs on antibiotic IV drips after a visit to a public glory hole.

A dividing wall in LA require at least a 2×4 thickness plus two thicknesses of 5/8 dry wall for a total thickness of 5 inches. As you have noted most dicks come in the 6 inch range which leaves a total of 1 inch of penis available for the girl. Even one of your fabled Mandingo love bludgeons would only present a paltry 3 to 6 inches through the standard wall.

I suppose you could knock out one side of the drywall and if the male performer could squeeze his pelvis between the the 16oc studs on either side he could present more cock although this begs the question of how do you find black guys with big dicks and narrow hips, which begs the question if such a person would even be interested in heterosexual glory holes at least as a pitcher.

The amount of rough abrasive material around the tender skin in that area calls into question whether a man would tolerate much contact with the hole. If you’ve ever hung dry wall, you know what a mess it makes of your hands, imagine getting that dust on the head of your penis, no amount of udder balm is going to sooth it. I see you protect the edges with duct tape, the medical and cosmetics industries first choice for effective, comfortable, skin protection, but the simple act of cutting and presumably the occasional widening of the hole for assorted comers means a dusty, irritating work place for all comers.

This of course leads us to the question of height of the hole. People come in different sizes and while men will make generous accommodations to facilitate fellatio, what about seven footers or dwarfs? I see only one hole in these glory holes you present, if its a public glory hole, open to all comers, someone outside the normal range of human height must occasionally stroll by and think: “Ah a glory hole, just the thing to pass a rainy afternoon! Oh drat, I am far too tall for the hole I have to use if the attractive adolescent girl on the other side of the wall is to accommodate me. I know! I’ll punch another hole in the wall so myself and my big and tall brothers can also enjoy the young lady’s courtesy.”

Based on the fact that you can take head to toe shots of the glory holee as she scampers around getting naked and warming up for some quality knees time with a glory holer, even if you use a perspective corrected 24mm lens, the glory hole has to be about 15 or 20 feet square to accommodate a photographer and his lights which means its not so much a glory hole as a glory arena. It seems a little architecturally spacious for a room devoted to a girl’s journey of discovery to see how many dicks she can drain at a sitting.

I won’t bring up the commodes mounted on plywood boxes or non existent goose necks and drains under the wall sinks. Is it possible you do some exteriors and maybe some cutaways on location and then repair to the studio where conditions are more capacious, convenient and convivial? Where a flat with some foam core on it doubles for the wall?

I of course know that you are being perfectly truthful when it comes to glory holes, who can you trust if you can’t trust a pornographer? I await your reply that will explain away my naive questions, as I have no life.

I also await the publication of your collected memoirs and observations, you must have enough material from your blog by now. Keep up the good work.

———————————————–

Dutch Dave!

I wanna tell a story. It’s a story I’ve told more than once, so if you heard it, skip the next paragraph.

I was an undergrad at Arizona State University, and I was pulling an all-nighter, studying for mid-terms, and I had to make a poo, and I hate pooing away from home, but I had to poo badly, so I went to the 4th floor of the Hayden Library, where I found an acceptable poo station, and in right in the middle of my poo, I looked over my shoulder, to the left, and saw a big hole drilled in the stall’s wall, and I had absolutely no idea what it was…until, years later, I scored a job at The World Famous Gloryhole.com.

Since it was in a men’s room, I’d call it gay, which validates what you said — gay glory holes exist.

So why not hetero ones?

Why limit filthy, disgusting behavior to the gays? Do you really think “inventive, unsanitary risk taking” is a Gay Thang?

It’s really tough to catch anything from a BJ, and, while the girls at Gloryhole.com are fucking now…well, they visually inspect each ween. That should do!

And listen to Dutch Dave, the Los Angeles building inspector! “A dividing wall in LA require at least a 2×4 thickness plus two thicknesses of 5/8 dry wall for a total thickness of 5 inches”…who says I’m shooting these in the city of Los Angeles? Or even LA County?!?

I do know that in LA midgets and dwarfs and giants are NOT allowed to partake in Glory Hole Shenanigans. That is a fact.

I could go on and on, and defend myself to the end…but I shan’t. All I’ll say is sit back, relax, an watch super hot chicks do super filthy things.

Your pal — Billy

PS: Collected memoirs and observations! From a pornographer! What would I call it?

From Enriching and Improving Young Peoples’ Lives to Wrecking Them: The Story of Billy Watson.

Billy Watson: The Story of a Terminated College Professor to a Wildly Successful Smut Peddler.

Is It OK on The Face? The Story of Billy Watson.

I Can’t Use Your Bus Pass As An ID: A Pornographic Tale by Billy Watson.

Don’t Eat The Macaroni Salad on Set! — A Porno Fable by Billy Watson

Pissing Off Christianity One Baby Wipe At A Time

One Man, One Missionary Position

Billy And Maggie Watson — The Early Years

I Shoot Porn: The Tragic Tale of Billy Watson

That’s the best I can do…any more ideas?

The Priest writes:

It seems like you run into a few girls that are fairly new to the porno thing. Well, more than I do, which is at zero… but have you ever seen the male talent start going out with new girls? Especially after screwing them? I’m wondering if there are unspoken professional boundaries that exist in your world of sleaze. Would a guy have any interest in going out with the girl? I mean, especially if he just fucked her, I can only imagine that his conquest would be to rapture her emotionally or something. Intellectual stimulation. Would a girl like a porn dude enough to date him? What kind of pressure is on both sexes to date either inside or outside the industry?
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Ah, my old friend The Priest! Wondering about how relationships work in Porno Land. Often times I wonder how they ever work at all…in or out of porn, so I’m gonna do my very best to answer this, and since I think it’s smartest to always answer questions for yourself — and not others — I won’t speak of porn dudes, but of your special pal, Billy Watson.

Since I started directing porn, I haven’t had a a normal relationship with what I’ll call a “civilian” since I jumped into this crazy biz.

“Civilians” are what Porno People call Non-Porno People.

You are a Civilian; I am not…even though I’m not male talent. (I’m going to go ahead and lump “directors” into the talent pool when it comes to defining a civilian — and I always chuckle to myself when I call myself that…a director).

Once, at a bachelor party, our crew was walking into a bar when a girl — a Civilian Girl — made extended eye contact with me. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so I made my move. And we made our way through the initial pleasantries, and when the inevitable happened, I had to make a choice.

Here’s the inevitable: “So, Billy, what do you do for a living?”

I handle the inevitable by lying my ass off. I’ve told you this before…I’m in “internet sales” or “web design” or “back-end software applications for internet sites” (when I’m feeling all complex and fancy) or yadda yadda yadda.

Lies are no way to start relationships. They’re no way to end them, either.

This is one thing I’ve managed to learn in life, but it took a while. Not that Civilian Girl was going to be any sort of relationship…but you never know, right?

In an instant, I decided to tell Civilian Girl The Truth. “I’m make dirty movies.”

“You whaaa…” said Civilian Girl.

I repeated myself. “I make dirty movies.”

I’d also like to add I had slammed a dozen or so bottles of Fat Tire up to that point in the evening, and I was feeling might bold.

“Really,” Civilian Girl said. “What do you do for a living?”

One of my posse — who had my back — said, “He’s serious. He makes pornos”.

That’s right. I referred to Home Slice as one of my posse, and that he had my back. And now I’m calling him Home Slice.

Civilian Girl took one long look at me, and I knew by that look where all was headed, and the beer didn’t facilitate the decision-making process much, and at that moment I felt like living a lie was a stupid thing to do…so I poured it on.

This, of course, was a silly mistake.

Maybe not.

“I cast, direct, and sometimes produce Adult Entertainment. I work in Los Angeles, but when I’m not working, I live here.”

I could see Civilian Girl grow tense almost at once, and she said something like, “you’re not serious, are you?”

“Oh, I’m very serious. I shoot for some pretty popular websites. Blacks On Blondes, Glory….”

I couldn’t even get the word “Gloryhole.com” out of my mouth when, suddenly, I turned into John Merrick — AKA The Elephant Man — and Civilian Girl fled in terror.

Absolute terror.

Night of The Living Dead terror.

I got into a relationship with a Civilian Girl who knew what I did for a living when we started dating, but she had been a friend of mine for 20 years; but, in the end, whenever I went to LA to work, crazy fights broke out…usually at 1 am, and usually after she had been surfing adult sites, trying to see if I was fucking anyone.

In other words, being male talent.

Isn’t that a good one? “Who in the world is gonna hire a 40 year old chubby guy with a 6 inch ween?” I’d say to her.

But still, it would happen. She’d call me in tears. “YOU TOLD ME YOU DON’T FUCK ON FILM! I SEE YOUR COCK!!”

“Um, where honey?”

“RIGHT HERE!” and she’d show me a some URL, and I’d say something like, “honey, look at that big porno dick. Think about my Average Joe dick. Now…do you really think that’s me?”

She’d get all quiet, and sniffle, and then apologize, and I’d console her, and we’d chat a bit, and they she’d hang up…and then call me, about 2 hours later.

“YOU TOLD ME YOU DON’T FUCK ON FILM! I SEE YOUR COCK! THIS TIME I REALLY CAUGHT YOU!”

Do I need to tell you where that relationship went?

This relegates me to dating Porn Whores.

And do I need to tell you how these have gone so far?

I’m far from being perfect. In fact, I’m a mess when it comes to dating a girl…Porn Whore or Civilian. In the five years (almost six!) I’ve been making dirty movies, I’ve had two “girlfriends” that are Porn Whores.

One was Jayma Reed. I used to blog her, and that relationship lasted through the summer of 06.

The other Porn Whore won’t let me blog her.

But I’ve got some things to say. Who knows…maybe one day I’ll break my promise. It won’t be the first time, that’s for sure.

Shit Priest, did I even answer your question?

How about this: a lot of people in my business date within the business, cause, they (somewhat) have managed to separate “sex” and “love” and “work”, and while a few of these relationships manage to survive the test of time, most that I know of haven’t, but that’s just like most relationships, right? And it never works when a Porn Girl dates a Civilian, unless the Civilian is feeding off the Porn Whore, which, sadly, is common in my business, and it’s totally dysfunctional, but sometimes the only thing worse than being dysfunctional is being alone.

Right?

MD writes:

…I’ve been a regular reader for some time now but never really felt the need to write, I came across a few things that compeled me to send a note. I started to read your blog entry about the big turd and I thought, holy crap he’s going to rip off Sedaris, I’m so glad that you didn’t as that would have really sucked, Me Talk Pretty One Day is truly hilarious. I recently turned 30 and sure enough I had a panic attack, just like the one you wrote about, I pretty much thought I was going to die, I’ve had a few since then and have started to take some medicine, which has had an unfortunate side effect, any suggestions on kicking a Xanax habit?

Anyway I love that you can provide some of the behind the scences stuff about porn girls, I find that to be much more interesting than the actual porn itself. With that being said, do you have any interesting stories about two of my fav porn girls, Trisha Marx and/or Molly Mason? Just curious.

Oh and I just finished Chuck Paulianiak’s new book Snuff, I was wondering if you had a chance to read it and what you thought about it, what do you think about other things like Wonderland and Boogie Nights?
——————————————————————

MD:

Anxiety attacks…pure misery.

The first woke me from a troubled sleep at 4am Dallas, Texas, time, somewhere around 1991 or so; I had returned earlier than night from seeing Bob Mould play a solo acoustic set, and I was excited to catch it, cause The Huskers had called it quits a few years earlier, and even though I was a big fan, I never managed to see them live. And I don’t think Sugar was around yet…but I might be wrong.

A really good, super sweet anxiety attack will make you feel like you’re about to die: the throat closes up, breathing is heavy and forced, surreal out-of-body sensations abound, as well as an overwhelming sense of dread.

Do not take Xanax. That shit is best used when you’re drunk and you’ve got a naked Barbie Cummings in the room, and only under those circumstances. Since that doesn’t happen very much, you won’t get hooked.

I don’t know you, bro, but my guess is you could lose some weight, exercise, and see a good therapist. That took care of my attacks.

Molly Mason and Tricia Marx are out of the game, and probably for good…but you never know. Both were fun fun fun and it’s too bad they’re gone, but let’s face it — porn isn’t a very good thing for a girl to do, especially over the long haul.

Wait, maybe it’s better if they’re in it for the long haul than as some sort of temporary fix…a career choice versus paying off credit card bills from over-spending at Victoria’s Secret.

I dunno.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t know very much at all. I haven’t even been reading, although I started No Country for Old Men (third time without finishing) as well as a book about HST that Ralph Steadman wrote. As far as movies, I haven’t see anything good in a long time either, and I hated “Wonderland”, but I love “Boogie Nights”.

I think I hated “Wonderland” cause it did such a fine job describing the miscreants that used to abound in my business, but are slowly fading away.

Remember “Casino”? If nothing else, the movie was a good history on Vegas, and I actually see parallels to Porno Land: once upon a time Vegas was run by the mob, but the mob sold out to Howard Hughs, and he sold out to all the big corporations.

In the old days, when you couldn’t pay the casino to settle up at the end of your trip, a dude named Vito smashed your hand with a ball-peen hammer. If you did it again, you ended up in a hole in the middle of the desert. Don’t pay them back now at the end of your stay now and you’ll get billed, and, eventually, if you don’t pay up you won’t get asked back again. Eventually, the worst that would come of it is a drop in your credit score.

Porno Land used to be run by its own “mob”, so to speak, and that mob didn’t really sell out…they just couldn’t figure out how to change. Now, for the most part, big corporations are running the show, and things in Porno Land are…well, a lot nicer.

Kinda like Vegas.

Maybe it’s time to make a “nice” movie about the porn biz: tell a story about how everyone’s friendly, and how girl’s have a “No List” so they don’t have a “work” with guy(s) they don’t like, and how much fun everyone’s having, and all the parties and red-carpet events, and how we’re all just like a tight little family, laughing all the way to the bank.

I’m serious! Porn Valley is a much nicer place, and way more professional, and everyday, when people ask me how I’m doing, I just tell them “I’m living The Dream!” In fact, I have to get back to my The Dream — the girl just cleaned the jizz off her from another superb Manojob scene, and it’s time to thank her for the wonderful work she did and cut her a check.

And I’ll do it with a smile on my face.

Z. writes:

If you really want to learn German, i feel the need, to help you. If you really want to marry Annette Schwartz, you should definitly learn German.

Try this: “Annette, deine Augen haben die Farbe eines Bergsees”

That means something like: “Annette, your eyes have the color of a lake in the mountains”. Maybe thats a little too greasy and this would never be a pick-up line in one of your films, but maybe you are going to loose contact to real-life, ’cause someone who’s friend can’t join him on a trip to flea market ’cause she has to clean her butt before doing an anal-scene, might be on a highway straight to loosing contact to real-life.

Now this could be the perfect time to discuss what is more real-life: a porn flic or some Jessica Biel movie. That’s another story….

You may ask, why i want to help you. It’s easy. Reading your blog makes me laugh. You brighten my day, thats why it is the least for me to help you marry Annette Schwartz. And, as long as you are going to marry Anette Schwartz, i could marry Spring Thomas.

Your pal,
Z.

BTW: Don’t mention Kraftwerk. It might be the only German band known in the USA, but nobody never ever hears them here in Europe. Never.
————————————————————————————————-

Z:

A long time ago I had a black light in my bedroom — along with black light posters, hanging on the wall. Some of you might not know about The Power of The Black Light, but I do. Oh! I know!

Whenever I had a girl come over, and I knew my parents were asleep for the night, I’d kill the regular lights and flip the switch: suddenly, there was this purple-ish hue to the room, and it would get very dark (but still there was enough light to see) and my black light posters would come alive.

The posters! Usually tigers in jungles, Bruce Lee, or my favorite bands at the time: Zep, Floyd, and Aerosmith.

Under that Purple Glow o’ Love, I’d drop the needle on the record. And it was very important to choose only the most righteous of music when The Black Light powered on; mood was necessity, and it had to be just right.

Most of the time it was Pink Floyd (“Dark Side…” or “Wish You Were Here”). Sometimes Zep III (only side 2). On rare instances, (*gasp!*), Genesis — but hey, gimme a break — it was only ever “The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway”.

Well, only Genesis when Peter Gabriel was on the mic.

Oh! How could I forget Kraftwerk’s “Autobahn”.

So watch it, Z, cause I got my fair share of sloppy handjobs while enjoying that record, and, since the whole first side was one song (over 20 minutes long, too!), by the end of it — if I played my cards right — there’d be a gooey load all over my tummy and my gal would be tip-toeing it into my bathroom to get a warm washcloth in order to cleanse my loins.

Then, side 2!

Lastly, I don’t wanna marry Annette anymore. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still ausgeflippt over her, but I just happen to know she’s been cheating on me with an Italian, and I caught that silly minx red-handed.

Which means I’m back to being Lonely Guy Searchin’ For Luv.

CC writes:

My name is CC. I’m a 5’2 strawberry blonde danish girl, aged 21 years (I was born january 1st 1987). I currently live in Copenhagen, Denmark working as a receptionist. I’ve always been very open-minded, outgoing and – let’s face it – plain old horny, when it comes to meeting and enjoying handsome, and especially well endowed guys. I started experimenting with sex at age 12-13, and had my first real sexual debut (lost my virginity) when I was 14. Since then I’ve been ‘around the block’ – I have dated lots of gorgeous and handsome guys, many of which really knowing how to treat a lady right, but I’ve also come accross some who turned out to be wimps, affraid of my sexuality, and the expectations I have when having sex.

Since I regularly enjoy watching porn, and – if I may say so – is quite a ‘hottie’ myself, the thought often has occured to me: Why not combine pleasure with business, and try being an adult model. Well know I’m taking the plunge !

I have attached some personal (softcore+hardcore) photos of me, so you can evaluate my looks and performance.

I would definately like to do hardcore, and preferably work with guys who has stamina, sense of humour, and most importantly large, hard cocks. If it’s possible I would prefer working with black guys.

My “sexual CV” looks as follows:
1998-99: First experiences with masturbation, oral sex (1 girl), and blowjobs (3-4 guys).
1991: First sexual intercourse. Tried missionary, 69.
1992-2004: Extended my sexual experience (appr. 50 guys). Tried anal, threesome (GGB and BBG), facials.
2005-present: Acknowledged my unusual sexual drive and started living according to that: Joined a swingers club, tried group sex/orgies, deep throating, DP, cum swallowing.

I really hope you will consider hiring me, as I am convinced I can make a great appearance in adult movies – acting naturally and living out my sexual dreams and desires 😉

hugs and kisses,
CC

PS: I’ve been thinking about a proper stage name for me – I think “Oral Winfrey” sounds nice and funny 😉

—————————————————————-

CC —

My Lord. Good gracious. I just furiously masturbated to your sexual resume, and now, with goo running down my stomach, I’m quite ashamed of myself.

But that’s how it usually works, right?

Anyways — if these pics are really you, I’d say you got a pretty decent shot at making some dirty movies. I’ve also answered these types of e-mails in the past, meaning hot girls looking for work in Porno Land.

There’s a few things that caught my attention with your e-mail, though…and need to be addressed:

“I’ve always been very open-minded, outgoing and – let’s face it – plain old horny, when it comes to meeting and enjoying handsome, and especially well endowed guys.”

Your use of the word “handsome” has me a bit worried. Most of the dudes in porn — while being well-endowed — are far from being handsome. Some might just plain gross you out. I won’t mention any names here, except Dirty Harry, Arnold Schwarzenpecker, Mike Hash, Suave XXX, Chris Charming, Tony T., Tone Capone, Ben English, James Bartholet, Joe Rock, Seth Dickens, Kevin Kline, Frank Wank, Dick Nasty, Rod Fontana, Scott Lyons, Dave Hardman, Brandon Iron, Juan Cuba, Mr. Pete, Steve Holmes, John Strong, Otto Bauer, Faceblaster, Regan Sentar, Mark Zane, Robbie James, Joel Lawrence, Trent Soleri, Dino Bravo, Jenner, Barry Scott, Donny Long, Johnny Thrust, Steven French, Rodney Moore…

Oh man, am I in trouble now or what?

Actually, a lot of the dudes on this list are good friends, and I’m not shit talking them at all. I’m just making a point — if you’re getting into the adult biz to fuck Brad Pitt-types, then don’t. Most are just average dudes with big dicks. As a new comer, you’ll have almost no say-so as to who you will fuck; you’ll simply be presented a job, and at that time you’ll have the opportunity to say yes…or no.

While the name “Oral Winfrey” is pretty funny, I’d advise against it, cause that would be a black girl’s name, right?

I might want to add you’re not applying for a position in a Fortune 500 company. Which is to say, while the sexual resume is cute, it certainly isn’t required. It made for good stroke fodder, but you’re about to embark in a career in which the sole criteria will be your looks…and trust me, you’re in.

Finally, your biggest stumbling block is gonna be the 2257 issue. If you want to come to America to star in dirty movies, you’ll need an American ID.

There’s some states that you’d have a pretty easy time getting an ID card. Do that, and then I’ll line you up for it all: Blacks On Blondes, Manojob, Gloryhole, The Dick Suckers…and more.

In the meantime, we’ll have to work on some of your skillz. I mean I can’t just shoot you, unless I know you can effectively pull off doggy style, cow girl, and spoons. I’ll also have to make sure your oral skillz are OK, too. I think your best bet here is to plan a weekend with me, and I’ll gladly help you with your skillz…to pay the billz.

Your pal — Billy

PS: Please, you silly motherfucking dudes, DO NOT E-MAIL ME ASKING FOR WORK.

Again, if you’re a dude, do not contact me. Instead, I’m going to do you a big favor: there’s a secret phone number — 818 – 709 – 4452 — and it’s a real number, and you can call it anytime.

It’s your big chance!

Now carry on.

(Not the Real) Ron Jeremy writes:

The male porn performer is an interesting, lowly specimen. They appear to have the dream job yet if you look at any of them there is no way in hell I would trade places with them (unless it was for a limited time, like less than a month). I imagine that one who chooses to sling cock for a living has a very lonely life. No civilian chick that has anything going for her is going to want to date you, thus you are relegated to dating porn whores, who bang others for a living. I am guessing most of these dirtbags have criminal records and/or drug issues. I have a few questions regarding meatpuppets/mopes/woodsmen/cocksmiths:

1. Quite a few of them seem to have done gay porn in the past and have crossed over to hetero. Why do you think this is, is there something about banging chicks on film that predisposes you to being a homo, whats the connection?

2. Most look as if their IQ would be in the 50 range. Are most of them dumb as a box of rocks? Who if any have surprised you with intellect/intelligence?

3. Are my presumptions above (lonely, criminal/drugs) accurate when describing 75% of mopes?

3. What is the craziest/funniest/holy shit thing you have experience with these mopes?

I hope you are well and can answer my questions.

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(Not the Real) Ron Jeremy brings up an interesting issue, and one that I haven’t really talked about too much: Male Talent.

A lot of my friends are male talent. Well, I take that back. A lot of acquaintances of mine are male talent, and they are, in fact, an interesting breed.

Obviously, I have to watch what I say here, as I have to work with them, and I don’t want to piss anyone off; furthermore, it’s always dangerous to sum up a group of people — even though people always do it — whatever that group may be: frat boys, jocks, stoners, punk rockers, goth girls, fat girls, black girls, porn girls, or male porn stars.

In general, male talent are sex addicts that have figured it out. This isn’t a bad thing. Let’s face it: most men are sex addicts. I know I am. It’s God’s way to insure the propagation of the species.

A lot of girls are sex addicts, too. Some of them are called “Porn Stars”. Some are called “dental assistants”, and some are called “attorneys”, and some are called “teachers”, and very few are called “nuns”.

Before I digress any further, let’s answer your questions, in your order:

1) Back in the day, gay porn was nothing more than a segue into straight porn. It was that simple. The internet and today’s mass production of smut has pretty much ended that, although I will say most of the male talent working today are bisexual, or, at the very least, bisexual.

2) I can’t really speak to anyone’s intelligence, at least in a public forum. I think, for the most part, the pool of male talent could land a mean score on the SAT.

3) I’ll speak for myself, here: no civilian chick with have anything to do with me, and I’m not even a mope. Which means I’m relegated to dating porn chicks, when I date anyone at all. Which means life can be a lonely game, my friend. And some of the dudes I hire have criminal records, and a history of drug use, but then again, when I was a stockbroker, EVERY guy I worked with had an arrest record and was on coke and fucked whores and strippers and then went home to their wives…so go figure.

In fact, the last time I saw a person die, it was on the floor of the brokerage firm I worked at. Poor sap went into the bathroom after the market closed, did a bunch of coke to prepare himself for a long night cold calling, and BAM — dead.

Crashed like a tree to the floor, flopped around like a fish for a bit, foamed at the mouth for a bit, pissed himself, and then he died right as the paramedics arrived.

3) I see so much funny shit in my job that I could start another blog and just recant the funny shit I deal with on a daily basis. Well…I’d have to lump in weird shit, and aggravating shit, and interesting shit, and frustrating shit, as well as infuriating shit, into the lump of shit called “Funny Shit”. I could also start a whole blog just on my personal experiences with Mr. Brian Pumper, which would cover all of the above, but I won’t.

But I will tell you I recently shot an amateur dude trying to break into the jizz biz for the world’s greatest handjob site — Manojob.com. He did a great job, too, until it was time for The Money Shot. His dick was hard, but he couldn’t cum, so he took a smoke break, and then another smoke break, and then he just hauled ass without telling anyone he was hauling ass. I guess he was just embarrassed he couldn’t pop. Maybe it was the Viagra, or the Cialis, or the Levitra, or that he was freaked out about what he was doing, or all of the above.

Maybe if a dude was jerking him, he woulda been able to pop.

Who knows, really.

Which is where I’ll end this.

Steve writes:

Billy: If you can get her, I’ve just seen a chick who would be terrific for Blacks on Blondes: FAYE VALENTINE (aka Faye Reagan). She’s a gorgeous 19 year old redhead with an awesome body and an unbeatable attitude. I just watched her in a video suck her first black dick, fuck a whole bunch of other guys, and swallow 24 loads of jizz one after the other. She can be a superstar.

I think Faye would be perfect for Blacks on Blondes, but you can’t waste her talent. You need to set up something truly special for her. First off, forget about any one-on-one scenes. They’re boring. For this USDA Prime piece of white meat, you need to throw her to a crew of genuine ghetto niggaz straight outta Folsom. To set up the proper vibe, you’ll need a total of 4 to 6 brothas, among them Wesley Pipes.

To give you an idea of what I have in mind, go back and review Gia Gold’s Blacks on Blondes scene. While Gia isn’t exactly a classic beauty, she had a certain “fuck me,” girl-next-door kind of look going on, which was hot. The fact that she was set up to be a prick cushion for 4 ghetto thugz made things even hotter. After the usual preliminaries, the dudes started a double-vag merry-go-round on the chick. It reached its peak when, with her in cowgirl and with one black horse cock deep in her pussy and another down her throat, one of the brothas grabbed firm hold of Gia’s long hair and plunged his black snake into Gia’s cunt, which was already occupied by his homeboy’s. That was it. Both dudes then proceeded to mercilessly double fuck Gia’s cunt until it was stretched out wider than the opening to the Bat Cave. That chick was totally OWNED. She couldn’t even SCREAM if she wanted to. Whether she liked it or not, she was going along for whatever kind of ride those thugs were going to give her. Suffice it to say, she was condemned to pay reparations for 500 years of racism that day. It was an outstanding scene.

Now just imagine if you could recreate that kind of work with a chick as young, tender, and gorgeous as Faye Valentine. From Faye’s interviews, you can clearly tell that she thinks she’s the shit, and that she believes she’s in total control of every situation. Part of the fun of her being in the kind of interracial gangbang I describe will be in watching her realize (too late) that she’s WRONG. She WON’T be in control. She’ll be nothing more than a fuck toy and a sperm recepticle for a mob of angry black men. To make it work as planned, she’s GOT to be double-vag’ed — repeatedly. In porn, there’s nothing hotter than a chick getting her cunt double stuffed with cock, except of course for a WHITE chick getting her cunt double stuffed with BLACK cock. Double vag her in both reverse cowgirl and cowgirl. While in cowgirl, you should recreate that classic moment from Gia Gold’s scene.

For the finish, you’ve got to make the most of Faye at both ends. First, get one dude to cream pie her missionary. Then, as negro sperm bubbles up from her tender cunt, have the rest of the homies plant their spooge directly into her mouth as she holds it all for the camera. The perfect ending would have her then engage in LOTS of cum play, especially CUM GARGLING. She should then swallow, open her empty mouth for inspection, and say, “I love you daddy. Are you proud of me NOW?” That’s my blueprint for the perfect Blacks on Blondes scene. Please, Please, PLEASE make it happen!

Peace

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Dear Steve — You’re a sick, twisted, perverted fuck who should be ashamed of himself.

What thoughts!

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth of yours, too?

Negroes? Creampies? Girls losing all control? And the daddy comment?

You need professional help, my friend.

Your pal — Billy

PS: I’ll see what I can do to make the scene happen. All very good ideas.

Abhijat writes:

hi Billy,
I am a college going guy from India. I aspire to become a pornstar. Can you help me to be the same? I am 23 yrs old, my date of birth is 03/11/1984. I am 6 ft tall and good looking too!
I reside in Hyderabad, Andhra pradesh , India can i become a pornstar? plz reply back.

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Dear Abhijat:

No, you can’t.

Your pal — Billy