E. writes:

To start my names E., i’m getting ready to graduate here in 10 days. I’ve always for some reason wanted to be in a porno, and had no idea how to pursue that goal. Then I stumbled across your site. Winter is coming up and I don’t think I could ask for anything better, i’m soon to be 19 by the end of this year. I’m around 6’3, and about 170 lbs. I’ve never measured myself, but all the girls i’ve been with say i’m huge. So if you could help make this dream of mine, becoming a porn star come true. I don’t think there would be any way of repaying you!!!

-E

You lying dog E…you lying dog.

“I’ve never measured myself…” HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

And “for some reason” you’ve always wanted to be in porn?

HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

Why, no matter how many times I post this, won’t you dudes listen: I’m not hiring you.

Furthermore, you can’t do porn!

Trust me.

Really, you can’t.

You can’t fuck a super hot girl really hard like Riley Mason for more than, say, a minute, or even get your dick sucked by Jenni Lee long enough to make a BJ update, or get your ass eaten by Madison Scott or even last too long getting a handie from Tristan Kingsley.

It just ain’t happening.

I’m not trying to goad you, or dis you, or do anything but state a fact.

Ever wonder why there’s been like a million porn girls that have come and go since you’ve been watching porn…but the same 5 dudes are still around?

Look, I’ve been over this a million times. If you still want to give it a shot, do an “818” search on my blog for the phone number to the good folks over at American Bukakke. They’ll hire you. RIGHT NOW. Don’t believe me? Call!

In the meantime, click on Chelci Fox and check out her super hot titties.

And Peace Out With Your Bad Self.

Rob writes:

Hi Billy,

I gotta tell you that fluffers are not a myth in porn, your comments only show that you´ve never shot trannies before (good for you btw). I´m a fellow pornogapher from South America, and unluckily we don´t have the porn whores you can find in LA, we do work with whores but regular whores who only shoot because they need the money. The few ones that do want to be pornstars are not really hot 90% of the time, so that leaves us with below average female talent and not even enough of them to be able to make a decent living shooting straight porn. So what do we do? we shoot girls, but with something extra hehe. Now, shooting guys fucking shemales or vice-versa is not a problem, but imagine shooting shemales doing girls, or even worse, fucking other shemales, that´s when the “fluffers” come to play, and if you don´t have a male fluffer when shooting these type of scenes then you better pray for the viagra to kick in hard because otherwise you´re gonna spend 3 hours to shoot a 20m not-so-hot scene. I could go on about shemale fluffers but I´m not sure you´d be interested, I just wanted to give you another perspective on the topic and also say that I really enjoy the stories you write, if you ever need advice on shooting shemale or gay porn just lmk

Hi Rob!

Um, OK…your pal, Billy

My Pal Marty writes:

Hi Billy, I have to agree with JR about the male talent with one exception…Brandon Irons and Loadmymouth. He is an old fuck like you and he asks the questions I want to hear like, What’s the oldest guy you ever did it with, How old were you the first time you swallowed, Why are you here, How long have we known each other and one of my favorites…Are there any other holes open for business.

I have been a whore monger for many years and I have never come across the level of talent that I see on your sites. Are any of these girls escorts. I’d love to get a manojob from someone that looks like Chelci fox or even Jaylynn Sinz. How do you find these whores so willing to take a load in the face or show off the load in their mouth before they swallow it down. I’d love to do something like that but it isn’t usually available. Even in Vegas. Sure you can cum in their mouth but then they run for the bathroom to spit and rinse. Any tips on convincing them to do the right thing would be appreciated. Your pal, Marty

Dear Whoremonger Marty:

Thanks so much for the compliments! I dunno what to say! I mean your stamp of approval says a lot, and I mean that with all sincerity! Like you said — you’re a whoremonger — and you know finding tramps that look this good ain’t an easy task. I work really hard, dealing with all the scuzzy (and not-so-scuzzy) agents in Porno Land to harvest only the finest talent available.

Look at Jaylynn! What a piece of ass!

And Chelci Fox! Wowzers!!

Some porno girls do escort. Sometimes they’re referred to as “privates”. What a bargain, eh? Have one of your favorite porn stars come to your Vegas room for a private!

Not all of them do escort, but if you poke around the internet, there’s a site (or two) that will tell you, for the most part, which ones do…and get ready to shell out the fun tickets, cause they ain’t cheap!

I dunno what to tell you about the whores that spit and rinse, except this: the Porno World is like a small family. Really, it is. Almost everyone knows everyone, so when Jaylynn’s booked for a swallow scene, or, for example, I book Alexia Skye with Brandon Irons, and she’s getting paid to swallow…well, they usually know each other, there’s HIV tests readily available, so the swallow goes down without a hitch.

Whores are different than Porno Whores, and while I don’t know a whole lot about them, I know this — you’re a stranger, I’m sure you didn’t just show your recent HIV test to the Vegas whore you’re about to unload a wad of jizz into; hence, she’ll run to the bathroom, and spit…and rinse. Maybe you should build a relationship with one of your whores.

Become a regular.

Then, eat a healthy diet and pay her a little extra and I bet you’ll get your swallow…time and time again. She might even play along with your perverted, filthy questions.

Who knows…treat her right, and all her holes might be open for business, too.

Just make sure and bring your Jimmy Hat, yo.

Your pal — Billy

JR writes:

Hey Billy.

P.S. Only you can save Winehouse at this point…get that gal a sandwich and some methadone, holy shit.

JR — I couldn’t agree with you more. I remember the first time watching Bang Bus scenes and wondering when the fuck Dirty Sanchez would shut his pie hole and let the couple fuck.

But you can’t argue with success, and those guys are just about the most successful site ever, so the copycats came out of the wood work, and there you have it.

Your complaint is the number one reason I kept the dicks silent on Manojob, and now, whenever I shoot a scene for The Dick Suckers, I do the same thing: keep the male talent silent.

Let the girl do all the talking.

It’s one of the reasons why Manojob is the all-time greatest handjob site ever.

Well, I’d like to think so, anyway.

And poor Amy Winehouse. She is indeed a mess. Judging from the picture, she’s probably shooting smack, and you know the junkies call heroin “The King”, and there’s a reason why.

At least she made one good record.

DC writes:

Hey!

Enjoy you 15 minutes, twink. Your time will come.

Heya DC:

Wow. You really caught me off guard here…on two levels, really.

From what I’ve come to learn about the gay sex world, a twink is akin to a “barely-legal” girl…a hairless, young dude who’s gay. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not gay, nor am I young. And while I’m not hairy, I’m certainly not hairless.

But what really caught me off guard is your reference to “Ragnarök”, something I’ve never, ever heard of. And thank Odin for the internet and Google, cause in about 15 seconds I got a Wikipedia full of Ragnarök, as well as Jötnar, Æsir, and the rest of that great Norse myth.

Why do people think women are exploited when they act in dirty movies? And why are there so many men who try and save them from this exploitation without doing a little homework, first? Honestly, good dudes like you are actually hurting women (and women’s rights) more than me.

That’s right, me — a Damned Twink Pornographer who deserves to get bonked on the head with Thor’s mighty Hammer.

Isn’t it True Empowerment when a woman — or anyone for that matter — exercises the free will we’re given as human beings called autonomy? Total and complete autonomy?

In other words, a girl gets the right to chose what she does with her body, without any sort of input from anyone…including a guy? And even if, in hindsight, that decision may (or may not be) considered “good”…or “bad”?

Imagine this world: a girl can do whatever she pleases — as long as it’s legal — and not get hassled, or told what to do, or how to do it, or how not to do it, or get judged, or be called names, or even bonked over the head with a hammer when she chooses to do something that might piss a dude off.

Guess what? In the city where I work, making dirty movies is legal! And in the five years I’ve been making them, I’ve never once asked a girl to do something she didn’t want to, nor have I ever heard of such a thing happening.

Hard to imagine, huh? I mean that there’s girl out there who actually *love* sex and don’t care if they’re filmed during it.

The greatest myth ever perpetuated about my business is the actress who is coerced to do something against her will. This myth can be traced back directly to Linda Lovelace, who claimed (later in her life, after she found Jesus) that a gun was held to her head while shooting Deep Throat.

This is a myth that’s now been circulated more than once since Linda’s day (anyone remember Traci Lords?), and for one sole reason: the women who disavow their porn careers do so in order to seek approval from whoever it is they’re hanging out with at that particular moment in time…usually a boyfriend who’s recently discovered her “secret”.

Meanwhile, she’s spent all the money she made starring in dirty movies (which was *way* more she ever woulda earned working outside the sex industry), and she’s got absolutely nothing to show for it…so she’s kinda pissed, too.

They gave me drugs! They gave me alcohol! They held a gun to my head! I swear to God honey I would never, ever do that sort of disgusting thing if I wasn’t _________!!!

Fill in the blank with “forced” or “high” or “drunk”.

And The Suckers buy it — hook, line, and sinker.

I’m sorry you’re so pissed, DC. I’m just shocked you’re so pissed you actually took time out of your important day, running your computer networking business, in order to let me know just how pissed you really are.

Just one question for ya, DC, and trust me, this is a rhetorical question…which means I don’t want you to answer. In other words, when someone asks you a rhetorical question, they just want ya to think about it.

In other words, please don’t e-mail me again.

If you hate porn so much, how did you find my blog?

I’m sure you’re not surfing for porn, are you DC? I mean you’re so worried about exploiting women and all that there’s no way in the world you would ever beat your meat to porn, right? In fact, I bet you don’t masturbate at all. You probably just stumbled across my blog by accident.

Again, purely rhetorical.

Now, don’t lemme stop ya from saving your sisters from The Evil Twinks like me.

May The Force Be With You — Billy