Did anyone catch the name of the Porno Princess Tiger allegedly banged?

Is it OK for me to rant? Cause at first I was gonna make this a lazy post and just post the picture. Then I realized I still haven’t heard who the Porno Princess was he banged…and then, even thought I wasn’t gonna do it, I wanted to write.

How the fuck does anyone expect a decent looking dude under the age of 50 with any sort of considerable net worth to stay monogamous?

How the fuck does anyone expect a dude under the age of 50 to stay monogamous?

Come on, bro. Just admit it. You’ve cheated. And you’ve done it as much as you thought you could get away with…and then some. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single; doesn’t matter if you’ve got kids or not. You took silly risks and jeopardized your relationship just for the pussy.

I once asked Byron Long — who’s been in porno since ’92 — “who’s got the best pussy you’ve ever banged?”

All sorts of girls’ names were flashing through my head. His reply wasn’t, but after he answered, I thought to myself of course.

“The best pussy I ever fucked was the one I was just about to fuck for the first time.”

It’s not even limited to real-life experience. Look at my business. Why do you think I gotta churn out scene after scene after scene? Shit, when I beat to porn 99% of what I whacked to was over the second it made me cum. That’s why I never bought porn; I was a perpetual renter.

I blame God. He created part of the male brain to spread its seed at any costs…and up to about 1900 that made a lot of sense. Seriously, it’s in our DNA. Wired. Hard coded like a motherfucker. Now, combo that with our insecurity, our ego, and that feeling of conquest, and it’s over.

I ain’t even gonna blame women one bit — even though it’s easy to do. And trust me, it doesn’t take them long to be over the dick. Why do you think they’re bugging you to knock them up? I blame God.

Once upon a time I was a jock. Pretty good one, too. Paid for a lot of things. During Jockdom, I used to shoot testosterone right into my butt. Like a junkie. (Although junkies don’t shoot in their butts). This is when I was in my early 20’s. Like I didn’t have enough already. Anyways, I’d wake up at 3 am with a boner that hurt. No exaggeration. My dick was so hard I thought it was gonna explode. This was after I banged my chick and beat off a few times.

Hormones are powerful things.

I tried this defense when a buddy of mine got caught, and his wife was grilling me. She was in tears. “Billy! How could you not tell me? And how could he want to cheat on me?!”

“Um, listen Nancy. It’s like this. He doesn’t love that woman. Really, he doesn’t. His hormones took over. He couldn’t control himself.”

She screamed something hysterically like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” and slammed the phone against the wall.

They can be a Super Bitch every month, throw tantrums, then drive their kids into a lake, but the hormone defense doesn’t work for us.

Which reminds me…have I ever told you how many of my “normal” friends call me up looking for a hook-up? Let’s take a second and define normal: they’re married, mostly with kids; they’ve got a good job; they love their wives; they love their kids more; they haven’t gotten a blow job since 2005.

It goes something like this: “Yo Billy! My man! How’s life? (Insert 10 minutes of banter (the weather, the state of our economy, and then our specific business)). Hey man, are those girls you film really crazy or what?”

“Yes. Some of them are.”

“Do they do stuff without a camera running?”

“Yes. Some do.”

“Does (insert their favorite Porno Princess here)”?

“I don’t know. I really never asked. But I can find out.”

They usually ask how much…and it just goes from there.

Did I ever tell you about my actor pal who became my “pal” for the same reason? He wanted to fuck Porno Princesses, and he actually got pissed that someone like him had to pay for their services. It makes me laugh every time I tell someone.

Even if their better half is putting out, dudes are still jonesing for something new. Even the few who don’t get any on the side. And that’s why porn is great. I’m saving marriages, one scene at a time. This is the one thing no one really wants to talk about.

You know I’m right, too. You’re just not sure who you want to admit it to.

So, grab a pen and a piece of paper, cause your very favorite pornographer is about to give you a lesson on Morality: next time you feel the urge, just join a porn site. If that doesn’t work, then do this: when you’re caught, tell the truth.

Ask to be forgiven.

And, in the middle of defending yourself, point your finger up to the sky.