Monthly Archives: May 2006

Super Fun E-mails

Super fun e-mails.

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Miles

Justin writes:

How did you become what you are today? I am sure that you didn’t put “Future Pornographer” in your Senior Yearbook, and I don’t think there’s a “Filming Broads Fucking 101” course in college (but wouldn’t it be super if there was?) So how did you become super pornographer? And where can I sign up? Porn has always been something that interests me, not just for the sexual aspects but for the psychological aspects well. I am too shy (and not in shape) to get in front of the camera, but I would love to direct. How do you get into shooting these scenes? Is it difficult? Is it the same as shooting a regular movie? This just seems like something real interesting to me, if you could give me any information I would greatly appreciate it. I love your site man, keep it up.

Hi Justin!

Let me tell you who I am: an ex-jock flop turned car salesman, bar room bouncer, construction laborer, substitute teacher, “real” teacher, stocks and bond salesman, jewlery cleaner salesman, adjunct professor, used bookstore manager, human resource manager – with an undergraduate degree and a couple master’s degrees to boot.

Big whoop.

I’m certainly not a “super-pornographer”, nor do I aspire to be one. I don’t think many people aspire to a career in the adult entertainment field; it just happens. Although if you asked some of the kids I hung out with in high school, some of them might have pegged me as a porno director.

Well, probably not.

I was told, about three years ago, that “due to a lack of diverisification in the hiring pool” the highly-competitive job I was in the running for was no longer being offered. Do I need to tell you I was one of those three? Or the other two left in their “hiring pool” were white folks? This was after spending 3 years at the place, killing my superiors with my awesome skills (both in computer hacking and nunchucks), as well as scoring super high in all my evaluations. 400 people applied for that job; I was one the last of the Mohicans…and in the end, they killed us all.

Actually, looking back at it now, too bad I’m not a Mohican. I would have had the job.

Meanwhile, my porno pals were raking in large sums of money every month, so I went to them after I cleaned out my desk. One of them gave me a shot.

So here I am, almost 4 years later, still in the middle of the muck, working my way from rags to riches. Well, not really riches. Not yet, certainly. And as far as qualifications in this business – like everything else in life – it’s not what you know, but who you know. (My aplogies for the cliche). Shit, I certainly didn’t know much to start with…except I liked watching people fuck on camera. But it wasn’t like I was one of those dudes with a zillion mags hidden under my bed or anything; I just rented a movie or two every once in a while when I was feeling a bit anxious, you know? Anyways, the first year my job was interesting and fun; the second year it was interesting; the third year has been neither interesting nor much fun.

Kinda like law school, I suppose.

And thanks for the kind words. It’s e-mail like yours that make me smile each and every day. So march on, Christian Soldiers!

Your pal – Billy.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Blacks on Liv Wylder with a Cuckold to boot.

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Liv Wylder

Sometimes, I’m worried I might be going to hell when I die. It’s not so much cause I shoot porn in general that’s sending me to that firey hole upon passing, it’s some of the sceanrios I’ve dreamt up that might put me there.

The Producer said it first, after seeing these Spring Thomas pictures: “Dude, we’re both going to hell for this one.”

I kinda disagree; it’s the Liv Wylder story I’m about about to spin that’s got me worried.

I booked Liv through Lauren Phoenix. At the time, Lauren thought she could handle an agency. I liked Liv’s looks, and the fact that (at the time) she was a new comer, and, of course, she was blonde and willing to do pretty much anything with a black guy.

First up? The secret gloryhole. She was totally into blowing a stranger in a filthy place, like they all are. Bladda bladda blah.

Then, we got back in time for the real fun – Liv was taking on BOZ the Animal and Mandingo. She’s looking at 25 inches of pleasurable pain – but have her cuckold husband watching all that black dick go in and out of her, and I was quite certain I was creating an interracial sex classic, if such a thing exists.

Well, her husband really didn’t watch – cause he couldn’t. I made him get locked into a cage we had on set for a while – a cage that had a soft bed on top for sex, while some poor, pathetic gimp was locked up below and couldn’t see a thing. Like I said…instant interracial classic.

Now, I’d like to point something out: this really wasn’t her husband, although Liv’s married. I mean when I pan in to her wedding ring, right before all the sex is about to go down, yea, that’s really her wedding ring. But I hired a member from Blacks On Blondes to play cuckold, cause these silly cuckolds write us a million letters a day wanting to be cuck’d on film. Don’t get me wrong: Liv played up like it was her hubby; Liv made fun of her “hubby” while she was getting pounded; Liv had her “hubby” beat off into a bowl and seal it shut and make him take it to the fridge after the black guys had their way with Liv; thus, the fantasy for the Blacks On Blondes members was complete.

I’d also like to point out I’ve hired a lot of married couples – real couples – where hubby is a cuckold.

Did I mention I fed Liv all sorts of lines like, “call your husband pathetic!” and “say your husband can’t fuck you properly!” and “call your husband worthless and weak!” and “say your husband can’t get it up!”, and, like a good sport, Liv did everything I asked.

With a smile on her face.

Fast forward to this year’s AVNs. There’s Liv! I’m excited, cause I really like Liv, and I’d like to think Liv likes me, and we hugged, and we chatted, and I took a pic of her, and we chatted some more, and then a dude in a wheelchair rolled up. I’m thinking it’s a fan looking for a picture, or an autograph, or both. Then Liv introduces me to her husband.

And I’m introduced as the director for Blacks on Blondes, and it doesn’t hit me immediately, cause my brain’s kinda mushy…but after about a minute of chatting it up with Liv’s hubby, I remember the scene. Has Liv shown her husband the scene? Am I man enough to ask?

“Uh, I need to pee. See ya Liv! Nice meeting you, too!” And I bolt.

I wonder if I can do that at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter greets me. Create some sort of diversion upon meeting him. The “I’ve got diarrhea” excuse works everytime, cause no one ever wants to question a poor soul with diarrhea.

I wonder if there’s even a toilet nearby those pearly gates, where I could hide in a stall, forever.

I wonder if that’s really Purgatory.

I wonder.

Liv Wylder

random raves

Porn Statistics

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Miles

I love looking at my traffic stats. It’s not like I have a lot of traffic, but I get some. And my nifty software can trace what people type into a search engine – Google being the most popular by far – and end up here, at my blog. The top search engine terms for my blog are obvious: “Jasmine Tame” and “Riley Mason” and “Spring Thomas” and “Julia Bond“.

It’s the one-and-two hit search engine terms that crack me up. And I mean exactly that…the following 20 terms, shown here verbatim, were typed into one of the major search engines. What the fuck? I wonder how Google even sends these folks my way! I mean honestly, check some of these out, (and imagine some fat, horny old man, drunk off his ass at 3 in the morning (on a Tuesday) looking for some of this shit):

1) “18 year old bunny the cheerleader fucking wesley pipes” – well, this one kinda makes sense. I’ve never heard of “Bunny the Cheerleader”, but I know Wesley Pipes very well, and I remember blogging about Paige Morgan, the North American Snow Bunny, so…like I said, this one makes sense. Kinda, anyway.

2) “how to make her cum with your hand” – Poor guy. Can’t get his chick off, and he’s scouring the web in order to make the little Missus happy. Here’s a little trick I learned from haning around porno folks: insert two fingers, the middle and fourth finger, into the vagina, push up (lightly) towards her belly button, and turn both fingers in a circular motion. Add some stimulus to her clit with your thumb, and she should be one happy camper.

3) “sex sex sex sex sex porn porn porn porn porn porn” – that’s right. That’s exactly what some dope typed into Google. If “sex” and “porn” wasn’t enough, he did it another 4 times each.

4) “hiding things in my pussy” – Um, ok. Like what? Secret treasure? Or just a map to secret treasure? A gun? Something you’re not supposed to have, like a lighter on an airplane?

5) “the life of a porn camera man” – like anyone would want to know about this.

6) “dj. fingaz shake that shit julia bond” – Fingaz and Julia are in love. They love each other very much. They make a great couple. I have no idea why/what this foolio was looking for, exactly, when he typed this into Google, but there ya go. Fingaz and Julia are in love. They love each other very much.

7) “how to get a porn site started and get paid” – Don’t bother. There’s no money in internet porn. Really, there isn’t. Move on.

8) “big loads hot spunk gay flying” – What exactly is going on here? I mean I get the first parts…big loads, hot spunk. But gay flying? Like homos having sex in a plane? I dunno how to even comment.

9) “guys who like to get gang fucked up the ass for home made porn” – This one terrifies me.

10) “gay cholos and cholos having sex with guys” – God damn this guy is a genius. Why didn’t I come up with this one?? It should do very well as a paysite. Oh, wait a second. There’s no money in internet porn. Forget I even said this.

11) “is mandingo bigger than jack napier?” – Yes, but I’ve blogged this already.

12) “chico wang chinese actor” – How about that, Chico?! Could they be searching for one of your proteges, like Bejing Bang? Or Hung Lo? HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, by the way…I think I still owe you some money. Call me bro.

13) “shoot a load up her nose” – another internet genius.

14) “how much dick could a dicksucker suck if a dicksucker could suck dick” – I shit you not this one is real. Say it three times, real fast.

15) “riley mason is in alot of porn” – Yes, she is, and rightly so!

16) “apply to be a porno star” – Riggght. Like there’s an application even involved. Oh, and don’t forget your updated resume!

17) “pics of people having sex while scuba diving” – You know I’m PADI certified? I got certified in Maui, like a decade ago. It was fun. I saw a lot of things in the ocean. Some of them scared me. It was kind of weird breathing underwater, especially when you’re, like, 25 feet deep, and there’s big creatures very close to you. The very thing that NEVER crossed my mind once was having sex there.

18) “black midget lil pimp porno forum” – Lil’ Pimp, for those who don’t know, is a black midget. He’s also a porn star. He’s also credited in some movies as “Lil’ Pimp Hand”, a name I like much more. As you can see, he’s got a slightly bigger than average dick on a little bitty body. This, of course, makes his penis look gigantic. He’s been in a few dirty movies. That’s about all there is to say about him. How anyone could create a forum around Lil’ Pimp baffles me. But I’m easily confused. Perhaps it was Lil’ Pimp, searching himself?

19) “waxed ass finger cum.com” – Is there something here I haven’t heard about? Waxed Ass Finger might really be a great name for a punk rock band. Well, now that I think about it, probably not.

20) “jenna jameson being gang banged” – Puh-leaze. Shit, when Jenna was cool she didn’t do gang bangs. Now she’s just doing her goofy husband on film. Oh, and really hot chicks. But still…how fuckin’ lame is that?

Damn, just looking at my stats, I could go on and on. This might turn into a monthly thing for me. And no, really…I didn’t make any of these up. Again, I repeat: someone, somewhere, typed those exact phrases into a search engine and found my blog.

And just when I thought it didn’t get any wierder.