I Need Your Help, Again – Please!

Riley Mason

If you could ask a porno star anything, what would it be?

If you could ask Riley Mason anything, what would it be?

This is serious.

All questions e-mailed to be will be presented to Riley…unless you’re a nitwit, and your question makes your Nit Wit Hood apparently clear.

Fire away.

I need these in my e-mail box by December 11.

I appreciate your help! She’ll be videotaped answering the questions, and it will appear on a new, as yet unnamed site!!

Your pal, Billy

Please Be My Friend – Please.

AzLord

Much to my brother’s dismay, I’ve started a myspace. He thinks myspace is totally fucking gay, but I think World of Warcraft is totally fucking gay, so that kinda evens out the playing field.

In case you’re wondering about today’s picture, it’s my little brother, back when he was a kid. He fell on his skateboard while attempting to ride it down the sidewalk, and he hit his head. He ended up in special school for a while, and the fall really did its damage. He was quite a handful growing up, as seen here tethered to the monkey bars during his math class. The fall also accelrated his testosterone output; hence the bushy beard and his urge to hump anything that “smells nice” – an unfortunate thing we tolerate to this day.

He’s somewhat better now – and I’ll hand it to games like WOW…it calms him after something riles him up. We simply wipe the drool from his beard, change his underpants, and sit him down at the computer – one already signed in to WOW.

Anyways, I’m not sure what to make of myspace, except it’s a lot like high school: popular people basking in their popularity, and nerdy people trying very hard to be cool, and nerdy people not giving a fuck if they’re nerdy, and all the oddballs, out in the foray, lurking in the darkness, kind of looking in on it all. And everyone’s carrying their yearbooks – all of them desperately hoping to get it signed.

Myspace!

I hear lots of things come from a myspace account: I hear of new friends being made, new business contacts happening, new and exciting things going down all the god damn time; primarily, of course, sex comes out of myspace. LOTS. Shit, it seems everyone is getting laid off myspace.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky.

At this point, I’d even settle for some crumbs.

Super Fun E-Mails.

Bree Olson

TC writes:

Hi, My name is TC i live south of boston i have recently came across your web site and would like to introduce my proposal to be a talent scout for your company. Even tho i am 18 i have girls naked on a weekly basic and feel as tho i will later be able to start my own company as well, but for now i would like to support the cause and see if you would be interested in further talk towards this subject. I personaly feel as tho i would be able to bring your company to new heights with the acces that i have towards girls who like to get naked for me, free of charge who only knows what they’ll do for some bill’s. get back in touch with me soon if your interested in hearing my intirety.

-TC-

Heya TC!

Before I made dirty movies, I taught people how to write – essays and research papers, primarily. It was an honorable living, and, at the end of the day, I felt great. It’s really something to work – and get paid – to help improve a person’s life, even though it’s a modest living.

Very modest.

Now I make more money, but I no longer help people better their lives, unless you include helping horny dudes launch their loads all over their computer keyboards as a betterment to a life; in that case, if you judge my deeds solely on that criteria, then I’m destined for Sainthood.

With that being said, I’d like to give you a piece of advice…if for no other reason than to simply help better your chances for employment in the future: please don’t write another thing to anyone, ever again…no matter what it is. Don’t write to all the girls you manage to get naked on a weekly basis; for goodness sakes don’t write to a potential employer; I’d even stay away from writing mom or dad, even if it’s their birthday. Just stop writing, right now, and never do it again.

Somehow, I don’t think you do it too much, anyhow – writing, that is.

On a completely different note, how is it, exactly, that you manage to bed numerous chicks on a weekly basis? You really don’t address that in your e-mail, and I’ll be the first to admit there is absolutely no correlation between getting laid and a person’s ability to write a letter, or a paragraph…or even a novel or short story.

Just look at me.

The same thing can’t be said for poetry; even bad poets seem to find an equally bad audience, and this is why most poets get laid.

Maybe I should start to write poems?

To digress even further, it’s late, and my very good friend just left to go back home to Tennessee, and I’m sitting here with my dogs, and my satellite radio is singing to me, and, to tell you the truth, it’s lonely here in my Ghetto Porno Studio.

So here’s a picture of Bree Olson, just cause you were nice enough to drop me a line. No one’s ever seen it before, except my Friend from Tennessee. I just shot Bree Sunday for a new site I’m about to develop. And she’s the latest update at Spunkmouth. Did I mention how her scene turned out over at Spunkmouth? My God! When you join Spunkmouth, you’ll see…it doesn’t get much better when it comes to filthy, dirty movies. I think she’s the very best thing to hit Porno Valley since, well, hmmmm – maybe Barbie Cummings.

Or Sasha Gray.

Finally, I’ll have to decline your kind offer to be my Northeast Talent Scout, but I appreciate your interest in doing so. You might want to hit the dude from Exploited Teens up on your offer – he’s in your neck of the woods.

Just have someone else write the e-mail for you.

As always – your pal Billy

Male Pornstars – How To Be A Male Porn Star (Redux)

The Guys

Brandon Iron – who started at the bottom and has clawed his way up to the top…

Ramon – who took about a million rides on The Bang Bus with his 12 inch stick…

Billy Watson – who is about as goofy and stoopid as it gets (and certainly not a pornstar)…

Since I touched upon this (pardon the pun) a bit in my blog entry dated 11/26, I thought I would go ahead and spell things out. I can’t tell you how many dumb e-mails I get asking the same dumb question: How can I fuck hot girls, too? How can I be a porn star? How can I be in one of your movies?

Some will even go as far as to offer their “help” around my studio – like holding lights, or sweeping the floor, or doing whatever they can to get their “foot in the door”.

I’ve blogged about this before, and now I’m going to give you some real advice. If you’re serious, and you want to be a porn star, there’s really two ways to do it:

1) Live in the Los Angeles area and start at the very bottom. If you’re wondering what the bottom is, I’d have to say any sort of gang bang / bukakke thing. I’ve actually listed the phone number here before for the American Bukakke folks. It’s a recorded line, and it has all the info you need to be one of 75 or 100 lucky guys to dump a load of jizz on (if you’re really lucky) your favorite porn star.

Don’t ask for the phone number again, please. Just do a search on this blog and you’ll find it, sooner or later.

Now, if you do get the gig for a gang bang or a bukakke thing, here’s some helpful hints that will get hired for more work; hence, your shot to climb your way to the top.

While at the gang bang, make sure you’ve got a big pop, and a big dick. 5 – 7 inches is norm for the male penis. It would help a whole lot if yours is bigger than 7. Also, don’t act like a creep. And whatever you do, don’t act like a fag, even if you are one. Finally, keep your eyes peeled for the guy in charge. He’s usually the one cutting the checks at the end (don’t expect more than $100 for your load…if you’re lucky). Act like a professional around him.

If you find out who’s the boss before the scene, shake his hand. Make sure your hand is clean. If it’s after the scene, give him the knuckle tap, or the elbow tap…just don’t shake his hand, whatever you do.

Always be polite. Smile. Again, don’t act like a pervy creep. And have a business card with a contact number on it. If he gives you his card, call him ONCE or TWICE, about 3 to 5 days after the shoot. Do NOT blow up his phone if he doesn’t return your calls. Follow this advice, and trust me, you’ll eventually get your shot at Porno Stardom.

2) If you live outside LA, then you might have to scrimp and save. Buy yourself a 3 chip camera. Buy yourself some lights and find a lawyer to write up some model releases. Shit, you don’t even have to get a lawyer for that! Just Google it, like everything else in your life. Know 2257 laws. Then find a place to shoot your scenes, and either shoot POV porn (point of view), or find a dude who will bang the girls for you. Then, place an ad in your local weekly rag, interview the girls, find a cute one, or an ugly one, then make your own porno. It’s that simple. I’ve even listed current pay rates on my blog before! Just search it again!

After you make a handful of scenes, create a website, and BAM! you’re in the biz!

How hard can it be? DUH!

Now don’t say I didn’t ever give you somethin’ for nothin’.