Chico Wang is a pal.

For 3 1/2 years he’s been a director for the Anabolic / Diabolic folks, shooting DVD titles like Lewd Conduct, Spring Chickens, Mouth to Mouth, Down the Hatch, No Swallowing Allowed, Gang Bang Auditions, and Unnatural Sex (among others), and, as far as I’m concerned, he’s an innovator in as far as gonzo style porno directing is concerned. He’s also got a warped sense of humor I find purely entertaining, and in Porno Land, it seems either you love Chico — or you hate him.

I’m a Chico Wang fan.

So the other day I swing by Chico’s new shoot house. In Porno Land, a “shoot house” is just that…nothing more than a large set for making dirty movies. They’re usually leased for six months, and in those six months nothing but perverse, filthy things happen. Chico’s houses are some of the dirtiest in town, and I say this both literally and figuratively.

Think literal as in spent condoms, beer bottles, toilet paper, stale food, and various unidentifiable trash littering the floor, and the largest DNA stains you’ve ever seen on the couches people actually sit in.

Think figuratively as in Ancient Greek perversions, as in vomitoriums and sodomy. Or Ancient Rome, as in vomitoriums and sodomy. Or modern-day Las Vegas, as in vomitoriums and sodomy.

Anyways, as we’re talking about all things porno, Chico’s phone rings. It’s Stephanie Cane, and she’s got a girlfriend who wants very badly to be a porn star. Her name is Kelly Skyler, and she just handed her paperwork into a porno modeling agency, and she’s ready to work.

I looked at Chico. He looked at me. “You want her for Spunkmouth?”

“It’s where porn newbies get facialized, so it makes nothing but pure sense,” I said.

“Bring her over here right now!” Chico screamed. He screamed cause he had been drinking, and he uses his outside voice when he’s drunk.

I think this surprised Stephanie. Maybe not. I mean the immediate job…not the loud voice.

When they walked through the door, I knew it was time to roll tape. I turned to Chico. “Dude, lemme borrow your cameras and lights?”

Chico nodded.

“I’m calling load dumpers,” I said.

Chico agreed. “Call the Mopes!”

“You wanna shoot it?” I asked. “Cause I’m kinda done working for the day, and I’d like to just sit back and watch you direct.”

Chico agreed.

Kelly Skyler was confused. She wanted to know what was going to happen to her, and how much she was going to get paid, and we both told Kelly we weren’t sure what was going to happen exactly, or how much she was going to get paid exactly…but she’d be OK.

Stephanie Crane assured her she’d be OK, and Kelly was buying it…to a degree. (And you know what? At the end of the night, she was OK. But I’m getting ahead of myself).

Soon, in addition to the mopes, porn whores were milling about. They were milling about cause there’s always porn whores hanging out at Chico’s shoot houses, cause that’s where the money is…and like blood hounds sniffing out criminals, porn whores can sniff out where the money is.

Hung Lo was immediately cast as the male talent for this scene, cause who better to fuck a porn newbie than the world’s first Chinese male porn star, and the load dumpers where there to spice things up a bit, cause that’s their function in life. Or porn. Or both.

I asked Chico, “How about we change shit up a bit and have The Load Dumpers dump first, and then have Hung Lo fuck her?”

Usually the porn whore gets fucked first, and the the Dumpers step in…but lately I’ve been a fan of having the girl get fucked while she’s already coated in jizz.

Just like they did in Ancient Rome. Or was it Greece? Or Vegas??

Chico gave it the thumbs up, and after Face Blaster and Tony Swan dumped on her, Hung Lo stepped up to the plate. And struck out.

Which is to say there was a lack of wood.

In Hung Lo’s defense, there was some wood. But Chico’s a very strict director, and unless there’s Full Wood, then, in Chico’s eyes, there’s No Wood at all.

Did I mention the porn whores milling about the house were now part of the scene? They were there to offer Kelly Skyler up to Hung Lo and Face Blaster and Tony Swan, and they cheered throughout all the debauchery and deprivation.

I think that fucked with Hung Lo’s wood a bit. I know it woulda fucked with mine. And since Chico had a few beers in him, he was ruthless: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HUNG LO!? YOU CALL THAT WOOD!? DO I NEED TO GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL JAMES DEEN IN HERE?!?

So, in addition to the porno whores cheering on their girl, Hung Lo got to deal with Chico’s screaming interrogation.

And you thought you wanted to be a porn star.

Kelly Skyler was in a state of confusion. Can you blame her? The cum was drying on her face, and she wasn’t sure what was going to happen next.

I knew Hung Lo was doomed, and as I stood there, shaking my head, cause I had no idea what was going to happen, either.

Just then the front door swung open, and in walked Julius and Alex Gonz…both male talent, and both ready to step in for poor Hung Lo.

But Kelly won’t do black guys, so Alex Gonz got the honor to be the last one to glaze our porn newbie’s face.

Scene wrap. Clean up. Pay everyone.

After all the cheering and cum shots, the sucking and jerking, the yelling and confusion and Hung Lo’s disappointment, I walked out of there somewhat bewildered. But that’s happened to me more than once while leaving a Chico Wang Shoot House, and that’s why I’m heading back there tomorrow night.

And finally, it appears Kelly Skyler’s career as a porn whore started and ended that night, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.