Today’s Guest Blogger: The Minion (and His Chico Chronicles, Part 1)

Super Minion

From time to time I have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.

Which, at least for this entry, is somewhat of a lie. No one from Chico’s “camp” have really talked about Chico, so I asked The Minion to guest blog that very topic: Chico Wang.

I’ve hired The Minion to be my PA under the following circumstances: I call him by his first name, I try my hardest not to lose my temper with him, and that he shows up on time and gives me an honest day’s work.

It’s been almost two months now, and he’s helping me in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

When I asked him to blog his relationship with Chico, Doron thought about it for a while, didn’t really answer me right away, and now he’s sitting at his desk banging out his thoughts and feelings. He’s asked to do this in 5 parts.

We’ll see what happens.

The Minion is gone and no more.

You see, that was a persona of mine given to me by the late Chico Wang. Chico was also known as “Wanker Wang” and gave me my first break into the porno world. His death has brought up tons of feelings for me. I’m not going to sit here and pretend he was the nicest guy I ever met. No. He had his demons that I saw first hand and they were unforgiving.

In the next several days I’m going to take you on a trip through the last 4 years of my porno journey as relating to the times I was with Wanker. It’s going to be a fair look at the turbulent times that Chico and I went through and the shenanigans we committed.

Giddyup!

Chico Wang Is Dead.

Hailey Page

So is his wife, Hailey Page.

And there’s nothing I can do to explain away any of it, so I won’t; in fact, I wasn’t going to even mention it here, but here I am…doing what I thought I’d never do.

Kinda like making dirty movies.

I didn’t know Hailey at all…never met her once. Chico shot Hailey for my site Spunkmouth, but he also shot other scenes, too, which means the only thing really special about Hailey’s scene is it features a (now) dead girl shot by her (then) boyfriend-director who, most certainly, had some sort of responsibility for her demise.

Chico Wang’s body was found — half in his bed and half on the floor — in a cheap motel near San Jose, California, on September 29th. I spoke with the reporter from Morgan Hill, CA, who covered the story, and from what her sources say, it appears Chico OD’d on something, but they’re not sure, and toxicology reports “take forever” in that county to come back.

Hailey died in a hotel in King City, California, a month or so before.

And a month or so before that, Hailey and Chico were married in Las Vegas.

It was a love / hate relationship, the relationships Chico established with people in this industry; there was no in-between with him. He was my friend, but I’m not sure I would have befriended him if I had fully known who he was when we first met.

Chico Wang was a Three Ring Circus — a real porno cliché: he drank too much almost all the time and he farted on set and thought up outlandish scenarios for the movies he made; he asked his talent to do ridiculous things and his shoot houses were always filthy: cum-stained sofas with garbage everywhere and broken toilets and showers that never completely drained and back yards littered with dog shit and empty beer cans.

With The Minion and Hung Lo taking the brunt of it all.

And somehow, someway, hanging out at a Chico Wang Shoot House was really fun and really stupid — all at the same time.

It’s mentally exhausting to deal with anyone who’s physically and verbally abusive, who likes to drink to oblivion, or get so fucking high that you know The End is near.

But do I really need to mention that?

The last time I spoke to Chico, it was about a week before his problems kicked into high gear. He wanted me to swing by and check out his new HD camera, and he was excited because he had left the DVD company he shot for and was about to start shooting internet content for some big-shot investor friend. Chico also told me he and Hailey were “monogamous”, which I found kinda strange: I don’t believe in monogamy, and I find monogamous people in my business to be an oxymoron so striking and stupid that it’s certainly a lie.

“I’m helping her get her clean, too.”

“Oh, man…I’m sorry to hear she’s fucked up. But you know Hailey will only clean herself up when Hailey decides to do it.”

Chico got short with me as said, “Don’t you know all these anal girls are on something?”

I wanted to tell him no, none of the “anal girls” I knew had any kind of drug problem; they didn’t have to use pain killers to have butt sex, and, in fact, almost all the anal girls I know prefer anal sex to vaginal sex, but he sounded agitated, and I didn’t want to engage him in a pointless debate.

Depending on which gossip blog you’re reading, Hailey was using Oxycontin and / or heroin, and Chico was hiding a cocaine addiction.

But this is all something I never intended I Shoot Porn to become: gossip may be fun to read, but it ain’t no fun to write, and it certainly ain’t no fun to deal with the people you’re gossiping about on any sort of level.

I work in an industry with fuck-ups and degenerates, con men and frauds, sex addicts and drug addicts and misogynists; their lives are train wrecks and everyone knows it.

I also work in an industry with kind, fun, professional people who are great to be around; they’re people who love sex and don’t think there’s anything dirty or wrong with it, and their lives are filled with ups and downs and days they hate their job and days they love it and in-between days, too.

But hey, that’s our life.

Maybe it’s yours, too.

Super Fun E-Mails: “How does it feel to shoot porn?”

Jenni Lee - Dick Sucker

RJL writes:

What is the physiological effect on your body? IE; when I watch porn, my dick starts oozing it’s natural lube, so do you have to wear any absorbing material? Do you have to do anything to keep yourself in check? Or are you so caught up in videoing that it does not effect you? Do you regret saying things in a scene and have to edit it out? What’s the percentage of material that often gets deleted? How are these digital cameras, power wise and capacity wise? Did you take any classes in camera work?

RJL,

In your order:

1) Most of the time when I’m shooting a dirty movie it’s nothing but work. When I first started shooting dirty movies five years back, I’d have these weird, out-of-body experiences that are somewhat hard to describe. Kinda like I’d leave my own body and look at myself shooting porn, and I’d think how the fuck did I get here? Is this real? Then and now I wear underpants when I shoot porn to absorb any and all natural secretions, whether they come from my penis or my anus.

2) I do nothing to keep myself in check. Since I’m a human with a functioning brain, I realize this is a job and I act in a professional manner whenever I’m around talent, so I just kinda act like an adult and it all works out.

3) I am focused on shooting a scene, so when people are doing filthy, dirty acts of a sexual nature in front of me, it doesn’t effect me, as I’m a professional and act in a professional manner whenever I’m around talent.

4) Life’s too short for regrets.

5) I’m such a professional and act in such a professional manner that very little of my work ends up on the cutting room floor.

6) Digital camera are powerful and full of capacity.

7) As evident by my work, I’ve never taken a class in videography.

Check out the picture of Jenni Lee, gently biting her finger, about to replace that finger with a penis just to make it go back and forth until it makes spewy all over her beautiful face. You might want to don a pair of adult diapers before you click on it, unless you have the same sort of self-control and perseverance I possess.

Ruth Blackwell is Pregnant. Or, If They Hate It, Why Do They Buy It?

Ruth Blackwell -- Pregnant

When I first got into this crazy biz, I didn’t realize how many different genres of porn were out there, and how fanatical people are about the type of porn that pushes their Horny Buttons.

I was so naive.

Oh sure, I knew there was straight porn and gay porn.

And when it came to the straight stuff, I knew there was people who got off on anal scenes, and people who got off on watching a girl getting a facial, and I knew there were total pervs who like to spank a bare bottom girl, and I knew there were amateurs who made dirty movies, and professionals who made dirty movies…and that’s about it.

No way am I gay, so that’s pretty much all I knew about gay porn. Which is to say, I knew it existed, and that’s about it.

How things have changed: blow bangs and gang bangs and girls who blow smoke in your pathetic, small-dicked face; gaping assholes and eating assholes and handjobs and footjobs and throatjobs; pooping and peeing and donkey punches; barely-legals and MILFs and Cougars and cuckolds.

And how about those silly queers? Bears and bear cubs and twinks; leather daddies and piss daddies and barebacking; cruisy toilets and men in uniforms and meat jocks; DILFs and fisting and blacks on boys.

I can go on and on, which makes me a total perv, simply cause I know this shit well enough to cite it without having rely on Google…whether or not I look at any of it.

Which I don’t. Unless I’m shooting it.

So I might as well talk about pregnant interracial sex, cause I shot it, and cause the guys who are really into interracial sex really get into girls who get knocked up by black dudes, and cause this is a porno blog, and can you think of a better topic than this?

Ruth Blackwell is pregnant.

She’s still working; she’s still evil; she’s still mean; she’s still the Black Cock Queen.

Did I mention she’s pregnant?

It’s this sort of thing that’s gonna make her site blow up, and I suppose that’s a good thing. It’s real, too, so no need to e-mail and ask me that silly question.

She’s OK doing it, cause it turns her on, and I’m sure her fans are gonna love it, too. And Ruth will find herself more fans now that ever…and, I’m sure, a few haters, too.

Remember the line in Howard Stern’s biopic, Private Parts?

“But if they hate him, why do they listen?”

It never ceases to amaze me that almost all the hate mail from all the sites I shoot originate from the members’ area feedback form.

But if they hate it, why do they buy it?

Ruth Blackwell is pregnant, and we’re shooting her one-on-one with black dudes, and we’re shooting her as she brings in white girls to get cream-pied by black dudes in hopes for another pregnancy.

Cream-pie: another fetish in which the dude cums in the girl’s pussy, instead of pulling out and shooting it all over her face, tits, ass…whatever.

Oh, cream-pies are a gay fetish, too, except the load’s going into a man’s butthole; in fact, I was on a gay set once, and they were shooting dudes filling up each other’s rear-ends, and I overheard Bottom Boi moan, “Breed my hole” as Leather Daddy Top filled him to the brim.

We all know this sort of behavior in today’s day and age borders on deplorable, but if you ask any gay producer what sells like hotcakes, well…do I really have to answer?

Oh…hey! Did I mention Ruth’s pregnant?

Ruth Blackwell -- Pregnant

Super Fun E-mails.

Chelci Fox

E. writes:

To start my names E., i’m getting ready to graduate here in 10 days. I’ve always for some reason wanted to be in a porno, and had no idea how to pursue that goal. Then I stumbled across your site. Winter is coming up and I don’t think I could ask for anything better, i’m soon to be 19 by the end of this year. I’m around 6’3, and about 170 lbs. I’ve never measured myself, but all the girls i’ve been with say i’m huge. So if you could help make this dream of mine, becoming a porn star come true. I don’t think there would be any way of repaying you!!!

Thank you so much!

-E

You lying dog E…you lying dog.

“I’ve never measured myself…” HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

And “for some reason” you’ve always wanted to be in porn?

HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

Why, no matter how many times I post this, won’t you dudes listen: I’m not hiring you.

Furthermore, you can’t do porn!

Trust me.

Really, you can’t.

You can’t fuck a super hot girl really hard like Riley Mason for more than, say, a minute, or even get your dick sucked by Jenni Lee long enough to make a BJ update, or get your ass eaten by Madison Scott or even last too long getting a handie from Tristan Kingsley.

It just ain’t happening.

I’m not trying to goad you, or dis you, or do anything but state a fact.

Ever wonder why there’s been like a million porn girls that have come and go since you’ve been watching porn…but the same 5 dudes are still around?

Look, I’ve been over this a million times. If you still want to give it a shot, do an “818” search on my blog for the phone number to the good folks over at American Bukakke. They’ll hire you. RIGHT NOW. Don’t believe me? Call!

In the meantime, click on Chelci Fox and check out her super hot titties.

And Peace Out With Your Bad Self.

My Fucking Mouth.

Ouch.

I’m having an outbreak.

Isn’t that sexy?

No, I don’t have genital herpes, but I do get outbreaks alright, and they happen in my mouth, and they’ve been happening for a long time. Way before I got into this whacky business, so don’t blame porn.

Isn’t it easy to blame porn though…on just about everything?

Anyways, my mouth feels some someone’s holding a blowtorch to the tip of my tongue, and it started feeling that way yesterday, the day after I felt like total shit and just wanted to lay in bed all day. This makes sense, too, cause one of the things that’s always made my mouth break out in sores was stress and feeling shitty, and I shoulda just canceled all my scenes and just laid in bed.

Instead, I shot porn.

Blame it on porn.

There was a time I wanted to write a short story called “Blame It On Yoko”, but the only good thing I could come up with was the title.

I caught a The Butthole Surfers show a long time ago. Boy, were they fun! They used to project all sorts of disturbing imagery on a screen behind them while they played their oh!-so-happy music, and they loved to raid the library at the University of Texas’s medical school, where they’d “borrow” images of things like eye surgery and sexually transmitted diseases to display while they rocked out. Sores like mine were one of the images they’d have on the screen behind them, enlarged something like 100 times, so even the people in the back of the club wouldn’t miss out on the fun.

Wikipedia says I have an “aphthous ulcer” and they’re more common in women than men, and 10% of the population has a mouth kinda like mine…at least some of the time. My now-favorite encyclopedia also says they start popping up around the same time puberty does, which makes sense, cause that’s exactly what happened to me.

I thought I suffered from herpes simplex 1 for a long time, but those are cold sores, not canker sores.

But watch out! Cause herpes simplex 1 can cause number 2, and no one likes a number 2.

Butthole Radio

Annette Schwartz — Germany’s (and the world’s) Finest

Annette Schwartz
I make these dumb resolutions after I’ve neglected my blog for a while; they start something like this:

Well, it’s been a couple weeks since I last updated, and I’ve been a lozt sod about updating since about 2005, so what I’m gonna do is every Monday morning I’m gonna wake up an hour early, brew up some tasty java, make an English Muffin and slather it with butter and jam, and write a whole bunch cause my readers deserved the very best I’ve got to offer each and every time they come to my blog.

Then, the next Monday, I’ll set my alarm early, and it’ll go off, and I’ll shut it off, think a bit my day and what I have to do and make up a time to blog later, and then turn over and go back to Snoozy Land.

I love Snoozy Land.

In Snoozy Land, sometimes I dream I’m married to Adrianna Nicole, and we’re this real cool Porno Couple and everyone wants to be just like us, or else they simply want to be us.

Sometimes in Snoozy Land I dream I’m the greatest lead guitarist in all The Land, and my fingers can do stuff only Eddie Van Halen’s can do…or Jimi Hendrix’s once did.

Then there’s times in Snoozy Land I set bench press world records without using steroids, or Jeff Tweedy comes over after a long day (for both of us) in our respective studios, where we’ll crack open a few beers and talk about his days in Uncle Tupelo and my days when I had a job which commanded respect and was full of honor and courage.

Often times I wake up from Snoozy Land hours after my alarm screamed at me to get up, and Maggie will be looking at me in this weird way that says wake up Master for I have to pee.

What now?

Oh! — Annette Schwartz.

Last Monday, which is to say just three short days ago, I was gonna wake up early and follow my new found formula for blogging success and consistency and write about the scene I shot recently for Blacks On Blondes featuring my new German Porno Pal Annette, cause I knew when I shot that motherfucker it was gonna be a gold medal winner, not cause I was shooting it mind you; nor cause my Homies Ice Cold and Jason Brown filled her butthole and vagina with their black monster dicks at the very same time; I knew it would end up being a top 5 ranked scene on the world’s greatest fucking interracial website simple because Annette Schwartz is the greatest fucking living porn star working the circuit today, and that’s the absolute truth.

I want to write poems about Annette Schwartz:

Oh Annette!
German Goo Girl Who
Drinks Cum and Piss at the same time
And can swallow Ice Cold’s
11 inch black dick
Much to His Amazement.

or maybe I’ll write Annette Schwartz haikus like:

Annette Schwatrz swallowed
52 loads in one scene. Will
You marry me Annette?

Of course I just cheated on that last line, cause if I remember my middle school education correctly, my haiku must have a first and last line of 5 syllables with a 7 syllable middle.

And finally, I just realized I’ve admitted to (somewhat) fantasizing about marrying two Porn Whores in today’s entry.

There’s something terribly wrong with me.

Fluffer Pics

Runnin’ With The Devil

Van Halen

I don’t recall if it was Thursday, July 6, or Friday, July 7, but I know it was 1978, and I do know what I was doing on either one of those two nights — catching Van Halen on their inaugural world tour.

If it wasn’t in July I’d guess it would have been the Friday night show, cause I wouldn’t have been allowed to catch Thursday’s show; would your mom have let you go to a concert on a school night? But it was summer vacation, and I had just finished 8th grade, and I was about to become a freshman in high school, and I was in a car with 5 of my best friends with someone’s mom behind the wheel (I don’t remember whose mom), and we were all on our way to our very first live concert.

We were so fucking cool.

Until we got there.

KDKB (93.3 FM) is a local FM station in Phoenix, and they were having a “$3.93” special concert featuring Van Halen; a band called Borealis opened. My mom gave me a ten dollar bill, which not only got me into the show, but got me a frosty beverage or two.

Maybe even a hot dog.

Ten bucks was a lot of bread back then, and I’m starting to sound like a grandpa.

I remember thinking it was cool that the stage at Celebrity Theater spun in a slow, lazy circle as the bands play there…making every seat a good one. I remember thinking why doesn’t everyone know about Borealis? I remember my mom wasn’t one of the moms who drove us to the show. I remember wondering why David Lee Roth would wear women’s make-up around his eyes. (Does that mean he’s gay?) I remember being convinced — beyond a doubt — that Michael Anthony was Gene Simmons sans make up. (Sound silly? Look at the credits on the back of the album for the obvious clue).

Other things I remember:

1) I spent every dime my mom gave me — not on food or drinks — but on a VH t-shirt.

2) There was a fist fight in the parking lot after the show which, to this day, is the most brutal fist fight I’ve ever witnessed.

3) My pal Brian got served booze (drinking age was 19 then, and checking ID’s wasn’t as prevalent as it is now) and after drinking up a few rum and cokes, Brian blew chucks all over the people in front of us…none of which were amused at all by his behavior.

So now they’re back, and Wofgang’s on bass, and their reunion is a big ol’ hullabaloo.

I like Dave way more than Sammy, but I understand why no one can stand being around Dave.

I just got back from traveling to see Wilco play in Berkeley last week. I caught their show in LA Wednesday night, too. I’ve never actually traveled more than, say, 30 minutes to see a band play live, let alone catch a band twice on the same tour.

Van Halen to Wilco…what’s my point here?

As usual, I have none.

Interview with a Porn Star (#31) — Lucy Fire

Lucy Fire

I Shoot Porn: Let’s talk about young lesbian love.

Lucy Fire: OK.

ISP: When’s the first time you got with a girl?

LF: When I was 13. The girl was 22.

ISP: Um, go on.

LF: I lied and told her I was 18. She’d picked me up from high school when I was a freshman, and I’d tell her I was a senior…one year held back!

ISP: You really think she bought that?

LF: I really think she did! She’d be telling me like, “in three more years you’ll be 21 and I can take you to the bars!” and I’d be all “Um, yea!”

ISP: That’s great. OK. So you’re 13, and you’re about to fuck her. Where would you two usually do it?

LF: Well, we fucked all over the place. Since it’s two girls, we could go into the bathroom, or like a dressing room. There’s no restricted rooms, like “MALE” and “FEMALE” so we’d do it pretty much anywhere we could get away with it.

ISP: Such as…

LF: I used to work at Macy’s. I used to fuck her in the room where we kept the testers — cause I was a make-up artist — so we’d go up there and lay in between the shelves, on the floor. We’d just lay on the floor and fuck there. During Christmastime, one of the fragrances sent in a bunch of promo stuff, like teddy bears and Christmas pillows…and I took her up there during lunch break, cause all I wanted to do was give her a teddy bear, but we ended up fucking on the teddy bears, and later, during that day, I remember handing out teddy bears to shoppers with pussy juice all over them.

ISP: I have a boner.

LF: Wait til you hear this. This weekend with my current girlfriend…now, don’t image your “pretty fem girl” or lipstick lesbo. She’s a pretty stud.

ISP: A stud? How can a girl be a stud? You mean she’s a dyke?

LF: To me, a stud is a pretty girl that’s hot, with female features, but dresses like a guy. A dyke is more of a dude. They’re testosterone-takin’ pussy eaters. They’re manly. They look butch. When I see a naked stud, she still has female features.

ISP: Your girl now is a stud?

LF: She has sexy features! Anyways, she pulled out her strap-on and fucked the shit out of me. If she was a dude, I’d be making her do porn with me!!

ISP: How did you get into porn?

LF: A friend of mine knew Elena Rivera. I called her and she told me about it, and here I am now. But I’ve gone through my fair share of suitcase pimps and shady agents.

ISP: That’s so rough to hear. Want me to send a hit squad out after anyone?

LF: (Laughs). I’m sure there’s a couple people I can think of…

ISP: Does your family know you’re porno?

LF: Do you want a background on my family first?

ISP: Yea, I do.

LF: My dad’s a pastor. My mom’s a Pentecostal Christian Minister. I grew up going to church three days a week. I used to teach Sunday school. My parents were very strict. No Halloween. No shopping malls. No going out with friends without parental supervision, and my mom had to have chaperone’s names and numbers. No dates.

ISP: I now know the recipe for a porn whore: a generous amount of hard core religion added to a lack of parenting and/or being adopted. Lack of a dad, usually. Or mom. Or both. Add in growing up poor, and wah-lah! Porn Star! Or stripper. Or both.

LF: I’m a daddy’s girl. I’m close to him. He knows what I do, and we hang out. My mom’s nice to me, but porn’s just another thing she has on me. It seems to me like my mom’s always been jealous of my relationship with my dad.

ISP: What’s the dumbest thing’s a director asked you to do?

LF: Make me spend the night at his house before the shoot…or else he wouldn’t shoot me.

ISP: Wanna say who it was?

LF: No. I’m not one to gossip.

ISP: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in your life?

LF: I had sex once on a display bed during store hours…dude nutted on the floor next to the bed. I used to sneak out of my house every night from age 13 and go sit in the parking lot of Wild Rivers Water Park in the OC and fuck my older girlfriend. I spent the night in a grave yard once and ended up being tricked into smoking a blunt laced with acid so the next thing I know everything’s moving…tombstones crawling towards me, little rocks and stones turning into goblins. It was bad. I beat that boy’s ass when I sobered up.

ISP: Do you feel exploited when you’re shooting a dirty movie?

LF: If I want to be taken advantage of I’ll let them. I don’t. Ever. I do what I do cause I want to do it.

Lucy Fire