I interviewed Bree Barrett right before we made a trip out to one of the cruisy gloryholes in town…and then back to the studio for Blacks on Blondes. She took a liking to Gia Paloma’s dog, Diego.
I Shoot Porn: You’re the 30th interviewee for my blog! How does that make you feel?
Bree Barrett: 3’s my lucky number!
ISP: For real?
BB: Yea! Good things come in 3’s. In the movie Lucky Number Sleven, Josh Hartnet says bad things come in 3’s. For me it’s the opposite.
ISP: How does a sweet, innocent girl like you get into the filthy, dirty adult entertainment business?
BB: Maybe I’m not as innocent as I look.
ISP: Gimme an example.
BB: Oh, recently I had sex on the counter of American Eagle…it’s a store in the mall in Salt Lake City. The store was closed, but it was still fun. I also had sex in my car, while driving! I was steering, he was working the pedals. I was sitting on his dick to the “Pump It Up” song. I fucked him to the beat!
ISP: Wait a sec. You mentioned Salt Lake City. Are you LDS?
BB: Yes. Well, my family is.
ISP: Good old Joseph Smith. I like to credit him and his silly religion with the start of many porn girls’ careers.
BB: South Park put it best: Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb!
ISP: How do you like this biz so far?
BB: The sets are fun. I like to fuck. But the environment is a lot different than what I’m used to.
ISP: Example?
BB: Scandalous, two-faced people are everywhere. Let’s put it like this — it’s hard to trust anyone.
ISP: But that’s kinda like the real world, isn’t it?
BB: I have great family and friends. I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. So it’s hard to fathom how much everyone else does in the industry.
ISP: I concur. What’s the dumbest thing a director’s ever asked you to do?
BB: Oh…that’s hard. Um. I was asked to be “romantic” in doggy style. I don’t understand how that works. What am I supped to do? Hand the dude a bottle of champagne? Tell him how lovely his face is? What?!
ISP: I have an idea. Let me show you. Go ahead and get nude, then get on your hands and knees, and I’ll romance you.
I got back from my European jaunt and got to relax at my Phoenix bachelor pad for two whole days before I packed Maggie and Me and the new Wilco CD into my car and headed west on I-10 to Los Angeles — or, as my pal Nicky Milo likes to call it — Splooge Land.
If you’re self-employed, you know that going on a vacation means (most of the time) more work — both before you leave, and after you get back. Sometimes, it’s almost not even worth it.
When I was On The Clock, and working for The Man, I couldn’t wait for vacation.
Now I kinda almost dread them.
Anyways, I got back on Sunday night, and had Ruth Blackwell in my studio Monday and Tuesday. All in all, I’d say 4 more great shoots to add to a great site. Shit, there’s times I wished I owned that site, cause I gotta tell you very few times does a Ruth Blackwell scene go sour. In fact, I can’t even think of a time when that’s happened.
Oh sure, you’re thinking I’m just saying this cause I direct the scenes, but really…I’m serious. Ruth can put on a great show, and the girls that come into the scenes kinda follow Ruth’s lead, and that makes for Hot Action.
If you’re wondering who the girl in the pic is, the one getting converted into a BCS, it’s Amanda Bell, and no…you don’t recognize her. You don’t know her work cause she’s so new to Splooge Land that none of her work’s been released yet. So consider this pic a teaser, of sorts. I kinda liked it when, on camera, I asked her what she did back home for a living (she worked at a call center answering phones) and how much she made ($600 every other week) and then I asked her how she liked her new job: the one where a big black dick made her cum 3 times and she got paid more in 2 hours than she did in 2 weeks answering the telephone.
She likes her new job.
I also shot a few Gloryhole-Initiations, too. Those scenes cater to the Connoisseur of Porn that likes his girls black…and his dicks white.
Got in a Blacks On Blondes, as well…with Evie Delatosso. Evie was an interesting casting choice, and I went with her cause:
1) She’s never done 2 guys in her life before…on or off-camera. So I booked her with two well-hung young African-American studs.
2) Having all blondes…or white girls…whatever….well, that can get a little boring, right? Why not spice it up with a Latina? A Latina, I might add, who has a bangin’ ass and huge, natural fun bags.
Oh! Did I mention that the (now) infamous Barbie Cummings stopped by to knock out four scenes for her site? Yes…this fine young lady graced us with her presence before leaving, in somewhat of a hurry, to join her new man on their trip to Las Vegas…and The Altar.
A dude she met a few days ago…at the airport.
And just when I thought shit couldn’t get any weirder in Splooge Land…
I haven’t been up this early since I had a “normal” job. Come to think of it, I haven’t been up at 4.30 am since I was head of the human resource department at a small stock brokerage firm over a decade ago. But I’m laggin’ man, as in Jet Lag, cause I’m back on home soil after my grand tour of France and Belgium.
What does a pornographer do on vacation? Perhaps the same shit you do: in Paris, I rode around the city in one of those open air tour buses with my headphones securely fastened while a pre-recorded voice told me all about everything I was looking at; I scoured the second-hand dealers that set up along with River Seine, looking for weird books and ephemera (scores include 2 copies of Jazz Journal from 1960 with great cover shots of Miles Davis and Julian “Cannonball” Adderley); I hit a few smut shops on Rue Denis and visited all my old friends whose faces are plastered on all the American Porno that seems to dominate the Parisian adult book stores; I ate a whole lot, too; in Normandy I took the D-Day tour and saw old German guns in old German bunkers while I ate a whole lot; in Bayeux, which is near Normandy, I walked around a medieval town and looked at super old churches and ate a whole lot; in Brugge, Belgium, I walked around a medieval town and looked at super old churches and ate a whole lot; in Leuven, Belgium, I walked around a medieval town and looked at super old churches and ate a whole lot; in Brussels, Belgium, I walked around a big old city and looked at super old churches and ate a whole lot.
Man there’s a lot of old churches in France and Belgium, and the food is really good there, too. Except, I think, the French have figured out food better than the Flemish have…although the chocolate and beer in Belgium kicks a whole lot of ass.
But there’s more to life than chocolate and beer.
Maybe not.
I think I’ll go clean my tiny little bachelor pad. It’s filthy, and what else to do at half past six in the morning but clean? And take my first listen to Sky Blue Sky, the brand new Wilco record; I’m quite sure it will be the highlight of my June.
Listening to Jeff Tweedy and his band mates, that is…not cleaning my house.
I watched a bunch of stuff from your sites. Here is my vote for best of the best:
The Dick Suckers: Emily Evermore. Holy shit, That girl is great in this one. I know she is a privates girl……hook me up. I got some new money to blow.
Mano Job: Cadence Caliber! I can’t get past the part where she rubs the dick on her pussy lips. Never heard of this girl, but she makes my pee-pee vomit.
JOMG: Kelly Kline. Man oh man, that girl is so sexy. Good outdoor stuff
Kevin and Alexia Sky is a good set-up, but her attitude sucks. “I like to be in control, I won’t beg for nut” Fuck you, teen ho.
Lexxi Lynn Manojob: Oh Fuck! I built a loop of her whispering the word “please” just as the guy unloads and saying “Thank you” as the blasts continue. Maybe the best popshot ever filmed.
Molly Mason Eat Some Ass: Cutest newbie scene in the bunch. Green eyed brunette! When you talk about that “deer in the headlights” look, this should be the template.
That’s it for now. I’m back from work and bangin Ho’s off craigslist.
Face Blaster!
I gotta tell ya, I really appreciate this e-mail, and I wanna tell everyone reading now this is an unsolicited e-mail!! That’s right… real customer feedback.
Emily Evermore is a whore’s whore, a real slut who loves her work as much as life itself.
And what can I say about Cadence Caliber? Here’s the dealio: she’s new to adult, and she might be out soon. That’s the way it works around here, and sometimes it’s a good thing…and sometimes it’s bad. I think Cadence is superb, so it’s a bad thing that she’s going away. She’s off to greener pastures; she’s not out cause she hates porno at all.
Kelly Kline! An old pal. I shot her ages ago, when she first got into the biz. It was a Spunkmouth scene, and it was a great one. I think it was her 3rd or 4th scene in the biz, ever, and her newbie-ness shows. Which, to me, makes it even hotter.
Sugar, on Spunkmouth, was shot by The Whoremonger. I didn’t shoot that one. I don’t know Sugar. I don’t even think she’s around anymore. I think she was a Vegas girl, but I could be wrong. But damn, our members lover her.
Alexia Sky. A new whore on the circuit, and yea, you’re right. She’s got ‘tude. I shot her an Alexia Sky Manojob scene and and Alexia Sky Dick Suckers scene, too. I even did an Alexia Sky interview. She’s sassy cause she’s just 18, and like all the porno whores who come to Porno Land that are barely-legal, she wants to be the next Jenna Jameson. I don’t think she has what it takes, though…although she did get absolutely creamed at the filthy adult bookstore I took her to for that Spunkmouth scene…and it took the wind out of her sails, so to speak. So that should make you happier.
Funny thing about the Lexi Lynn popshot for Manojob. Well, funny thing about shooting pop shots. They’re super tricky to shoot, cause there’s no rehearsing them. I mean once you pop, you pop…and no one knows that better than Faceblaster himself. Remember when you blasted Jacky Joy for Eat Some Ass? To me that was the best pop I’ve ever captured…but yea, this Lexi Lynn one is great, too…cause if I woulda told Lexi to whisper “please” before the pop and to thank him during it, well…the scene wouldn’t have gone down like it did. And thanks a ton for saying it was the best pop captured on film. I’d have to give those honors to a Peter North scene myself…but hey, I’ll take that praise!
Last, but not least, Molly Mason. I liked her so much I POV’d her myself…and since it’s at my clip store, you can see the Molly Mason Amateur creampie scene without having to join a whole site! Just DL the clip and enjoy!
A shameless plug, from a shameless pornographer.
Come to think of it, this whole blog was nothing but that.
I’m sitting at a cafe in Paris thinking of stuff to blog about when I see Miss Wolfe log on to Yahoo! chat. It hit me then — interview her. And why not? Her blog, Love in the Capitol, is a fun read; even more fun are her IM chats with me…oh, things like chatting to me that there’s a “hot” guy sitting near her at the library while she’s studying, and the next thing I know she goes and blows him. Right there. In her lonely corner of the University library. Things like that.
So, on a nice Parisian afternoon, while sitting in the middle of a cafe overlooking the Eiffel Tower and sipping on my latte, I conducted this international IM chat interview via Yahoo Messenger.
Fun, huh?
I Shoot Porn: You’re the first girl I’ve interviewed that isn’t a porn star. How does that make you feel?
Miss Wolfe: i don’t know. i guess its good because it shows the men out there that there are girls who love sex just as much as they do and they don’t have to turn to a movie to see it. i do love all the readers i gained from my first interview.
ISP: Well, it wasn’t really an interview…more like a IM log. But no biggie. Let’s talk about your blog. What made you want to publish your slutty stories to the world?
MW: I have always kept a journal. I started the blog for myself because i got sick of writing and buying those blank books. i didn’t think anyone would read my blog at first because there are so many sex blogs. when i blog about my sex life it is more for myself than my readers. i use it to look at myself. somehow, it helps me see who i am, a form of self discovery.
ISP: Sounds like me and the impetus to my blog. So what’s your damage? The only reason I ask this is society can’t handle The Slut yet. Society wants to blame your slutty ways on Dope, or your Daddy banging you when Mommy wasn’t around. Maybe you’re adopted?
MW: i know that is so cliché. the girl that likes sex must be damaged in some way. there is no damage here. i honestly just like to have sex. I come from a loving caring home. my parents didn’t screw me up.
ISP: then let’s talk about Frat Houses and BJ Trains.
MW: what can i say, i was at a party and had more than a couple drinks. I was 17 at the time. i was really turned on by this one guy and not wanting to have sex. he was pushing and i wasn’t at the sex point. I offered him a blow job. you know men, he took me up on the offer. to make this somewhat short, i was blowing him and his friend walked in the room. he watched and at the end he was looking like he wanted one. so i blew the friend. a couple guys showed up and i just kept going.
ISP: what was the final tally?
MW: 7 or 8 guys.
ISP: To me, that’s way hotter than a Blacks On Blondes scene or a Manojob. Cause it’s real. That’s why I dig you so much. No one had to pay your “rate” for that.
MW: like i said before, i just like sex and sexual things. i get a lot of shit because of it from women. i just prefer to think of it as being like a man when it comes to sex. why should they be able to be sexually free without being an outcast
ISP: Well, you can thank The Church for that. Are you religious?
MW: religious no. i believe in god, i think churches are bad for religion. they set up dumb rules and take peoples money. i believe if i treat people with respect and kindness i will end up in heaven.
ISP: Amen sister. Are you bi?
MW: i don’t consider it bi, but i have been with women.
ISP: Please, elaborate. Give my readers something to jack to…
MW: i don’t think i could go into jacking material in a short format. i will say that i think girls look and feel great. i love the curves. i have been in mff and fff threesomes. i have been interested in girls just as long as men but i am mostly a man lover. i promise i will post something this week about a girl girl experience on my blog. i always had fun at sleep overs…i had a couple friends when i would stay at their house or them at mine, we would explore each other. i taught a couple how to masturbate.
ISP: Wait a sec. Please please please elaborate on that last sentence. “i taught a couple how to masturbate.”
MW: well, i learned relatively young how to masturbate from the lovely ginger lynn, she is my sexual hero. when i started to do it, i was curious if other girls were doing that sort of thing. i asked a couple of my friends and they said no. they were curious, so i showed a couple. at a sleep over, i would sit there in front of them and masturbate to show them what i did.
ISP: Would they follow your lesson?
MW: duh, yes they did.
ISP: what age we talking here?
MW: 14, 15.
ISP: I want you to know I now have a boner in the middle of this Parisian cafe.
MW: that reminds me of a story…of jacking a guy off in a restaurant: i was 16 the first time i did it. he was teasing me throughout the dinner by rubbing my thigh. i thought it was completely unfair that i was sitting there with soaking panties. i reached over and pulled his cock out of his pants. i started to stroke him under the table. i think he was overexcited because he shot his load in like a minute. no one said anything but the next person that sat at the seat had a table cloth with cum on it
though.
ISP: OK, we have to stop the dirty talk or I’ll blow a load on the nice lady next to me sipping on her Latte. How did you get to be such a smarty-pants at school?
MW: i blame my parents. they are both PhD’s and always encouraged my brothers and myself to ask questions. they passed on their thirst for knowledge.
ISP: Who do you blame on your thirst for jizz?
MW: i only blame myself. i read a study that women can become addicted to the mood elevating effects of cum. the only problem is where do i go for a cum addiction? i don’t think there is a cum addiction anonymous group.
ISP: Oh yes there is…didn’t I tell you? It’s at my studio in Los Angeles, and I’ll be your counselor to get you through your terrible crisis.
From time to time I have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.
The Minion. Pro Wrestling. Being (and not being) recognized as a “porn star”. Can I tell you guys that in my Producer’s vault lay 100+ scenes of The Minion fucking the hottest new (well, they’re not so new anymore) Porn Whores? That’s right…all 350 pounds of him with his steamin’ 4 inch dick. I’ve been on set a few times when it all went down, and I gotta tell you…when this shit hits the net, things just won’t be the same anymore.
Stay tuned, my brothers — your pal, Billy.
We are all in the porn business and run the risk of getting STD’s, woodless scenes, and being recognized by the public. I was Chico Wang’s right-hand man for quite a while and he shot me with some of the best cum sucking whores out there. I popped my video cherry in November 2003 with Mason Storm. She showed absolutely no mercy as she sat on my face, ridiculed my physique, and urinated on me all in the basement of Boogie Nights 2.0. I knew at that moment that my life would take a different turn since G-d knows how many people would end up watching it.
Fast forward months after that and the Wang has me knee deep in pussy all the while he’s trying not to shake the camera too much from his constant laughter from girls beating the daylights out of me. No problem was to be had, except for the constant lack of wood on my part and bloated belly as a result of mass quantities of food involved.
Wait, I’m going to make a point here sooner rather than later. I knew I would eventually be recognized in public by those not in the “jizz bizz”. I was waiting for the moment I would be in a 7-11 getting some chocodiles or nachos with cheese (who only knows how long that cheese has been in that machine!) and being called out by some onlooker with words of, “Hey, you’re the Minion!” It’s happened only a few times and I want to document to you when it happened.
I’m a huge Extreme Chapionship Wrestling Fan — the ’92 – 2001 years and not the shit on tv now. When I was told of a reunion show that several of their alumni were holding in Philadelphia, I made plans to attend. Then the WWE announced they were having an ECW show entitled “ECW:One Night Stand” in New York 2 days after the Philly show. I made plans to fly out with porn mope, Manuel Laybor, and left Porn Valley for a few days.
Now picture in your mind the following: A Bingo Hall in a horrible part of Philadelhia, the same building at about 115 degrees fahrenheit, and 1100 screaming fans inside and you have an idea of what I was surrounded by. It was a fucking oven inside and I was sweating crisco. It was then time for intermission and I made my way to get some fresh air outside when these words stopped me in my tracks: “Dude………………you’re the Minion!”
I had to think to myself if I heard what I thought I heard. In fact, yes I did. I turned to my right and saw a guy with some of his pals and he had the same kind of smile a 5 year old kid has when you take him to the mall to meet Mr.T. I shot the shit with him for a while and all was good. Remember, I’m almost 3000 miles away from the comfort of Chatsworth and the marketing machine known as Chico Wang was able to get my face and name known on the opposite side of the country. I thought it was a fluke and left the building for a few minutes to get a cheesesteak sandwich that wasn’t so good.
It’s now Monday, the day after the WWE show, and I’m in JFK airport ready to come back home. Again, I get recognized, but this time it’s by a traveler and not a wrestling fan. He tells me he knows about the insane shit I’ve done on camera and whatnot. So in the course of 2 days I was spotted by 2 people on the East Coast and it made my trip better.
But New York pizza was actually greater than being recognized.
From time to time I check out my stats. When I refer to them as “my stats” I mean traffic stats, as in who is coming to my blog, how they’re getting to my blog, what other websites they’re coming from, and what they’re typing into search engines in order to wind up at — you guessed it — my blog.
I’ve done this before, I’m doing it now, and I’m sure I’ll do it again. I don’t do it as much as I used to, but damn…I laugh my ass off when I read what people actually type into Google. I’d like to reiterate I don’t make this shit up. These are all real, unedited search engine phrases that were typed into Google and resulted in a hit for I Shoot Porn.
I’ll take the time and respond to them as well. But you know that already, don’t you? And with that said, let the Google fun commence:
“how much does it cost to fuck a porn star” — Good question! Some porn stars do what’s called a “private”. I think I’ve mentioned privates here before. They’re kinda funny, too…not the privates themselves, but the porn stars who do — and don’t — do them. Some Porn Whores love the side cash, and they realize they’re a whore (as defined), which means they’ll have sex for money. Where they (the Porn Whores) get confused is this whole idea of whether a camera is actually capturing the sex on tape. See, some Porn Whores don’t do privates cause they “are not” a whore. To these Silly Rabbits, they’re “actresses” who have sex on tape as part of their job. They reject the idea that they’re a whore, which means they’ll never do a private, to which I say, More Power To Ya, Whore!
“how much cash do porn models make” — Currently it’s $100 an hour (or so) for “solo” work (masturbation / toys); $250 – $400 to suck cock; $700 – $900 to lez out; and $900 – $2500 to fuck a boy. This is the girlie rate; I won’t get into what dudes make, and I could get more detailed, but I won’t. Search my blog for more complete information on Pay Days in Porno Land.
“easter porn stories” — Sometimes I wonder how much people have to drink when they sit down at night to Google various shit.
“ebay porn penis sucking cumshots” — Sometimes I wonder how many drugs people have ingested when they sit down at night to Google various shit.
“girl started crying in the middle of a porno scene” — I’ve been on set when this has happened. In, like, 500+ scenes, it’s happened maybe 3 times. It’s always a little weird and really uncomfortable, cause of the business we’re in, and how everyone automatically thinks females are victims in my line of work, and honestly, every single time a girl’s cried on set in front of me it’s always been about being a crybaby and not being a victim at all. But you’re never going to believe that one, are you?
“naked porn birthday comments for myspace” — What do you think for this one…too much booze? Drugs? Both??
“phone numbers to horny girls creagslist” — When I was 18, me pal and I drove up Sunset Strip, from about Fairfax east to the 101, and it was Whore Alley. Apparently, they’re all on Craigslist now. I dunno how many of them are horny, but if you’ve cashed your payday check, you might wanna check out all the whores there. Just go to your local Craigslist and click on “erotic” under “services”.
“shane diesel porn star history” Once upon a time there was a man named Agustus. It was a silly name, and he knew that, so he changed his name to Mr. Thick. He stuck with Mr. Thick for a while, cause it made sense, and it was a pretty cool name. I’ve always told Shane it’s my favorite of all his names. It’s kinda tough without being corny, you know? When I shot Shane for the first time, it was with Spring Thomas, and he had just changed his name to Shane, and my friend Silvio made the introduction. That’s it. Shane. He kept that for a while, and I shot him a bunch of times with Spring, like when he brought his friend Dre over, and one time Shane even flew to where Spring and I were living and fucked the living daylights out of her, and one other time when Shane and Spring Thomas fucked on a mink bed. Not too much after that he turned his name into Shane Diesel, and the rest is history.
“knoxville nude moms” — This is a good one for Barbie Cummings to reply to. Hey Barbie! Where are you? In San Francisco, doing a private?!
“free porn without having a membership” — Cheap bastards! Hey…remember the old days? When you paid $7.95 for Hustler, and you got 3 pictorials with about 6 pages a piece of stroke material…and a WHOLE bunch of ads? And let’s face it…nothing EVER was worth reading in that shit mag, except maybe Chester The Molester, and that wasn’t even reading. It was a fucking cartoon. Today, if you join, say, Blacks on Blondes, or Manojob, you get literally thousands of pics and movies! If you adjust accordingly for inflation, joining a porn site today is a bargain.
Klipsch Heresey: From the official Klipsch website: “First introduced in 1957, the Heresy, a three-way design, started out as a compact center channel speaker to accompany the Klipschorn® in three-speaker stereo arrays. In 1985, we made some changes and improvements to this model and re-released it as the Heresy II. Today, the new Heresy III has a more powerful woofer, a bi-wire network, and a titanium diaphragm tweeter with a larger magnet assembly. The midrange compression driver also features a new titanium diaphragm.”
I dunno anything about any of that…but damn, do those fuckers sound good in my front room with a Stooges record screaming in the background.
Iggy Pop and The Stooges: Speaking of Iggy and The Stooges, Iggy’s 60, which means in five years he’s eligible for Social Security and Medicare. You’d never guess that by looking at him, though, and this I know cause last month I sat next to Gia Paloma while Iggy and The Stooges tore it up at The Wiltern, which happens to be right down the street from my studio. I dunno if I’ll ever live to see a 60-year-old man do three stage dives into the audience (three in a row, mind you) or have a set of abs like Iggy has. What a genetic freak.
Trader Joe’s: I dunno what’s yummier — the frozen quiches or those tofutti ice cream sandwiches. Or the chocolate covered almonds dusted lightly with coca powder. Or 2 Buck Chuck. Or the organic blueberry waffles. How about those god damned Ritter Chocolate Sport Bars! And the tasty samples at the end of the frozen aisle! The doggy treats are manufactured in the US! Their coffee rules. The Thai Chicken BBQ pizza! The only drawback are the hippy crowds who don’t yield their carts in the often over-crowded aisle.
Miss Wolfe: Miss Wolfe is a smarty-pants teen slut who thinks she knows everything about almost everything, except grammar and punctuation. I’ll admit she’s wise beyond her years, and she’s hot, and she a total fucking slut. I often touch myself in inappropriate ways when she tells me stories like The BJ Train On Frat Row or doing naughty, naughty things during study time at her university’s library. Her blog’s a good read, but it needs more pictures, damnit. Hot ones.
Of you doing naughty, naughty things, Miss Wolfe.
Kush: OK. I’ll admit it. I’m a stoner. But hey, I’m not a social smoker, nor do I smoke out during my work day. Only before beddy-bye time. That counts for something, right? How about this: in California it’s legal, and the way I see it, I’d rather light up a bowl and drink a glass or two of red wine than swallow a Lunesta® or an Ambien® or a Restoril® or a Desyrel® or a Sonata®.
At least I sleep a full night now.
The FJ: I love my sled. It’s a VooDoo Blue Toyota FJ, and yep, it’s an SUV, and sure, I drive a 4WD, even though I never go off-roading, and it’s got Sirius Radio (which is another thing I love) and the sub-woofer extra in the back, and it looks fucking great with Bree Olson sprawled out nude on it. I only wish I could find the pics of Miss Olson sprawled out nekkid as the day she was born across the hood of my FJ.
LC: She’s my internet penpal, even though I don’t hear much from her lately. She just graduated college, and she won’t tell me what she got her degree in, and she won’t tell me what her future plans are, and she won’t tell me much of anything at all when we chat on the phone…in fact, when we do chat, I seem to be the one chatting while she does all the listening, but damn — she’s got great taste in music, and from what I can tell a set of fun bags that look like The Guns of Navarone, and she lives in a city I used to call home (briefly), in the same neighborhood I called home (briefly). And for a while it looked like I had a shot, but I think I dropped the ball.
Right around Iggy Pop time.
Adrianna Nicole: She’s my porno pal, and there’s nothing better that, at the end of the day, after making dirty, filthy movies, sharing a meal with Adrianna. We like to talk about doodies and gossip about porno; we speak of poop and porno gossip; we discuss turds and gossip about porno; sometimes we talk about our families and friends and music and always about boom-booms. When Dogfart edited this gloryhole scene I shot starring Miss Nicole, he told me there must be “something going on” between us, cause the way we talked to each other during the scene.
Nope…only friendship, gossip, and doodie talk.
Vintage Paperback Smut: Fuck the writing, it’s the cover everyone judges, right? And how about those titles! Recent scores from my trip to San Francisco include: 3 Gorgeous Hussies, Sex Goddess, Sin Driver, Sin Cargo, Substitute Wife, Shame Road, and Kill Sweet Charity Kill. God damn right. Fuckin’ A.
Score bonus points for vintage smut that was passed off as a “psychological study”. This was a way to dodge obscenity laws back in the day, and I fucking love the disclaimers these old-fashioned stroke rags come with; for example, on my latest San Francisco book scouting scores include “Wrestling — Female Vice” and come with awesome black and white pics of hot 70’s babes wrestling away in the nude, as well as the following warning: “THIS VOLUME IS TO BE REGARDED AS A PSYCHOLOGICAL WORKBOOK AND A STUDY FOR THE SERIOUS STUDENT OF UNUSUAL ASPECTS OF PSYCHOLOGY.”
Total stroke material circa 1972.
Ace Of Spades: Simply put, the greatest metal song ever written. Since I’ve never really been a metalhead, I just recently discovered the Power of Lemmy and The Boys:
If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man,
You win some, lose some, all the same to me,
The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say,
I don’t share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
Don’t fuck with me via e-mail and say something like “Sweet Child O’ Mine” or “Sweet Leaf” or “Stairway To Heaven” takes the cake, cause deep down inside you know you’re wrong.
Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it’s all the same to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stake or split,
The Ace Of Spades
I guess that, on any given night, I can head over to a local watering hole in Los Angeles and catch Lemmy drinking while pulling on the one-armed bandit. What for? So I stare? Maybe bug him? Ask him a stupid question in hopes that he’ll pay attention to me?
You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools,
But that’s the way I like it baby,
I don’t wanna live for ever,
And don’t forget the joker!
Remember The Young Ones? I’d add them to this list, except I watched that show 20 years ago, so that disqualifies it from anything “lately”. My favorite one was when Viv thought he was pregnant, and of course he wasn’t; it was nothing more than a large ball of gas inside him, and once he gave birth, Mike lit up a cigar to celebrate, and their whole house blew up.
Pushing up the ante, I know you wanna see me,
Read ’em and weep, the dead man’s hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it’s gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades
