Super Fun E-mails

Super fun e-mails.

Leave a comment

Jayma Reed at the hole

KT writes:

1) Why do you persist with this myth about the Glory Holes and “stranger’s cocks“? Do you really think that anyone believes the girls never see the men they suck off? Even people who watch it and like it?

2) Why are you so slow to fuck Jayma and tell us about it? It’s not like either one of you are prudish or something.

Hi KT!

I’m not sure why you think a gloryhole is a “myth”, but somehow I think you’re one of the dudes who, as you put it, “watch it and like it”. I don’t blame you, really. Gloryhole blowjobs are fuckin’ hot. And fuckin’ real.

I think I’ve told the story when, as a college senior, I was pulling an all-nighter at the library, readying myself for a rather tricky quantum physics final, when, out of the blue, a dookie started knocking at my door. And I know I remember I told you I don’t like to drop a duece in a public place. I’m very sure I said it suddenly turned into a doo-or-die situation. I know I’ve never told you to count on a pornographer for bad puns. And finally, for sure, I know I told you once I placed myself on that porcelin throne – after making sure all the piss and pubic hair were off the seat (and I picked the cleanest throne in the house) (and why is it people feel the need to act like animals in public restrooms?) I sat down and looked to my right, where, indeed, 2 large holes were drilled.

Do you think people make friends at public sex spots before they commit public sex acts?

Perhaps we should point this question to George Michael.

But yea dude, they’re real. Sorry to let you down.

As for me and Jayma…well, all things that are good and made to last take time, you know? I mean sure, I coulda hired her for a “POV” or some other such nonsense…but there’s a big difference between porno sex and private sex, just like there’s a big difference between sex and love. You know what I’m saying, bro?

Which isn’t to say I love Jayma Reed.

Speaking of Jayma Reed, would ya look at that cute expression on her face! I mean really, KT…does that look like a face that had a meet-and-greet session with the dick she ended up blowing?

Keep up with the e-mails, my friends…they make my lonely day – oh! so fun.

Jayma Reed at the hole

Jayma Reed, my life, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

My New Gal? (Part 4).

Leave a comment

Bungalow 3

I’ve been weirdly obsessed with the Chateau Marmont since John Belushi drew his last breath there, in Bungalow 3, in March of 1982.

I was a senior in high school, and I was a Belushi fan, like most 17 year old boys then. I was nuts for his work on SNL, and in Animal House, and even though Neighbors was a bit uneven, I still liked it. (Maybe I should watch it again…the last time I saw it was in the theater, and I’m thinking its humor wasn’t targeted at the same audience as, say, Animal House).

I even forgave Belushi for The Blues Brothers…but I’ll never forgive Aykroyd, Belushi’s little brother, or John Goodman for Blues Brothers 2000.

In 1982 I was almost an adult, driving my dad’s El Camino and listening and listening to one of the bad FM stations then. I remember driving down Tatum, near Shea, which is a big intersection in the neighborhood I grew up in. I think I had just left McDonald’s (which is still there) cause my friend Ellen L. would hook us up with free cheesburgers. That’s when the radio said John Belushi was just found dead at his bungalow in Hollywood and I was immediately bummed out – as well as curious.

What’s a bungalow? And why in the world is he dead?

Knowing where you were and what you were doing when someone who mattered to you died – long after it all went down – is an interesting thing. Remember where you were when either Kennedy was whacked? (I wasn’t born yet for number 1, and way too young for number 2). How about when Hinckley tried to take out Ronny Reagan? Maybe you remember what was happening when Cobain stuck the gun in his mouth (on my way home from teaching school), or maybe, even, um, when Tu Pac or Biggie got whacked (…when did that happen again?)

Anyway, I wanted to see Jayma after our first date, and I did. It was the next day, as a matter of fact, and it was a totally non-porno, non-sexual event. Well, kinda, anyway. I picked her up at The Porno Hotel in Porno Valley, and we just hung out. We went to a used book store (I scored a first edition of Crumb’s Fritz The Cat and a review copy of Harry Crews’s Florida Frenzy!!!), ran a few errands, got to know each other better, and (somehow) ended up at Chico Wang’s to watch him direct The Minion and Haley Scott; Chico was shooting his Minion scenes and now calling them “romantic”…today The Minion is terribly concerned as Miss Scott’s had a foot injury. The Minion picked her up at the hospital, took her home, and brought her into the room in a wheel chair.

From there, they made beautiful music as Chico rolled tape.

Afterward, I was kinda bummed, cause Jayma had to go home, and I had to go home, but I really wanted to see her again.

How about you come when I’m out in LA working, and we stay in a really nice hotel? We can just hang out. I won’t expect sex, and I’ll be a gentleman, and we can just get to know each other better…

She agreed, of course, cause here I am, telling you about The Chateau and John Belushi and myself and Jayma Reed. We were pretty much holed up at the Chateau for three days. She still wasn’t feeling well; her tonsils were ridiculously swollen and instead of looking like tonsils they more resemled a small fruit – like a tangerine, maybe. I really can’t say I was holed up, cause I would leave during the day to make dirty movies…but she didn’t leave at all, even when I told her Parker Posey was roaming around with her little white doggie – or there might be some fun celebrity sightings down by the pool.

I don’t think she ever left the room, and that was fine by me.

We learned some things about each other during those three days, and she asked I watch what I say here. At first, I wasn’t sure I could keep such a promise, but I have, so far. But I’ll tell you this: I made her come with me to Bungalow 3, and we talked about Belushi, and she told me she’s spoken to dead people in her past, and that’s fine by me, too.

We stood at the door of Bungalow 3.

We kissed.

I took a picture of the door they wheeled John Belushi’s dead body from almost 25 years ago.

We stood there a bit more.

Then we kissed, again.

We stood there a bit more.

“Do something,” I said.

She looked at me. “What do you want me to do?”

“I dunno. Something that would make his ghost smile.”

Bungalow 3

Guest Bloggers

Today’s Guest Blogger: The Minion (a mope is a mope is a mope)

Leave a comment

Super Minion

From time to time I’m going to have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.

Fourth up: The Minion. Super Minion. Bad To The Mutherfucking Bone Minion. Today, The Minion defines, outlines, and comments upon the newest craze sweeping Porno Land – The Mope.

A mope is a guy whose only claim to fame in porn is doing pop shots. They don’t even get hired for full scenes seeing as how each director has their batch of guys they use over and over again.

You see, I work for Chico Wang and have done so on and off since November of 2003. Wang is the head director for Diabolic Video and has been for quite a while. He launched his signature series, No Swallowing Allowed, back in February of 2004. He had hardcore sex mixed in with mopes coming in to pop on the faces of the whores that were cast.

It’s funny how a mope will react to a phone call to come in and get paid to dump their load on some cumbucket’s face.

“It’s only $100?” – or better yet – “When do I get a full scene?”

This is the shit I deal with when having guys come in for No Swallowing Allowed, Mouth 2 Mouth, or Down The Hatch. Some mopes never move beyond that status, but once in a while you get one that makes the grade. James Deen and Will Powers have shown they have what it takes and are used quite often.

However, back to the mopes. It’s aggravating as fuck to be woken by your cell phone at 9 am by some mope wondering, “Hey, are you guys shooting today?”

If we were I’d call you, but stop with the 2-3 calls daily asking if we’re shooting and whatnot.

I see being a mope as the easiest gig out there. You get your $100 for 5 minutes of work and you get a talent copy of that video. Unfortunately, some idiots make it harder by them not paying attention to simple directions:

After you pop do not talk.

Leave the room immediately and shut the fuck up.

Do not start washing your hands – the noise will be picked up on camera.

If it’s a facial line then do not pop in her mouth or on the floor.

Collect your check and get the fuck off the set.

Do not hang out on set if not asked to.

These are some of the things that mopes do that irritate the fuck out of me.

Then again, a mope is a mope is a mope.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves

I Stuck My Finger Up Hillary Scott’s Butthole

Leave a comment

Hillary Scott

I might have told you about Hillary Scott, and how she showed up on my set kinda tired cause she was working with Suze Randall all day long, and how she was supposed to do Double-A but it didn’t work, and how she likes Taco Bell Nachos with cheese only, and you might know that the day after I shot her she flew out to New York City to be on the Howard Stern show.

Double-A means double anal, which means two guys stick their pee-pees up her pooper at the same time.

But I don’t think I ever mentioned how Hillary “warms it up” before her scene … or the fact she let me help her warm that ultra-tight dumper up right before I shot her Double-A scene for Blacks On Blondes – which happens to be this week’s update on the site.

Am I braggin’ a lil’ bit?

Maybe.

Or, maybe I just thought you’d like to know.

Now get back to work…before you get in trouble.

random rants, Super Fun E-mails

Super fun e-mails.

Leave a comment

Spring and Kitty

V. writes:

hey… I have been reading your blog for a while. I think it’s one of the most funniest blog related porn on the internet. I especially like the porn comics. Why won’t spring thomas do an interview or write a blog? and in her personal life does she only date black men too? What are the personality of these porn girls in their personal life?

v.

Hi V.!

Yea, the guy who draws my comics does a great job.

As far as Spring, well, sometimes I think she’s just a private person who likes to maintain that privacy; other times, I think she’s kinda selfish, and if she doesn’t feel like doing something, that’s that. As far as dating guys, that’s really private, and not part of her porno life, so I’ll leave it at that…but I will say she’s not racist.

I think I’ll focus the bulk of today’s blog on the last part of your e-mail – the personality of a porn girl. Porn girls are funny creatures, and I’ve been fascinated by them way before I got into this crazy business. I will admit the fascination has worn off, and I’ve come to the following conclusion: although it’s certainly difficult to sum up any group of people – and much harder to effectively describe a group of people – I can honestly tell you porno girls are about as fucked up as it gets.

And while I don’t mean “fucked up” as a wholly negative trait, it’s certainly not a positive one, either.

I’m a fan of John Locke, the English philosopher, who basically said our brains, at birth, are like a blank chalkboard, and as we make our way through this life, external forces that we come directly in contact with leave marks on that chalkboard, and those marks are what shape and define us as humans.

Porn girls have a lot of marks on their chalkboards, and most of them are nasty, ugly marks; in addition, the same can be said for the male talent in my industry, too. So, sometimes I blame my talent’s unpreditcable, lying, selfish, greedy, self-centered bullshit personalities on that messed up chalkboard.

And sometimes I don’t.

And let’s make one thing perfectly clear: not all the talent in Porno Land are unpreditcable, lying, selfish, greedy, and self-centered; in fact, there’s a few who are a pleasure to be around.

Oh, and did I mention that no matter how much I love to hate them, in the end I still love working with them? And as of right now I don’t think I’d trade my job for anything but a winning lotto ticket.

And I’m talking the big jackpot…not some silly 3 or 4 million dollar lotto.

Hope this answers your question!

Your pal, Billy

Chelci Fox

Jayma Reed, my life, random raves, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

My New Gal? (Part 3).

Leave a comment

Jayma

We lost the car. Or, I lost the car. We had walked all the way back from the beach, up and down 2nd street in Santa Monica, and we couldn’t find the parking structure where our car was parked, mainly because all the parking structures looked the fucking same. We walked and walked and walked and walked, and no car, and all the while J. Sinn kept complaining, “My dick is really, really hard!”

I wonder if that’s cause Jacky Joy was riding around on his back, rubbing her pussy all over him. She was tired of walking, so she hopped on J., and I’m sure this was causing his woody. Either that or the fact that, for the last hour or so, we had just watched Jacky and Jayma wrestle around in the surf, making out the whole time.

And the more J. Sinn kept complaining about his stiff weiner, the more Jayma giggled. The more they both giggled. But I think I’ve mentioned this already.

For awhile, I really thought the car was stolen, but we finally found it. Which is where things got interesting. Actually, things got interesting on the 405, just a bit south of Sunset. That’s about the time she decided to take J Sinn up on his offer to make her squirt. She thought she wasn’t able to squirt; J. Sinn told her otherwise.

But I should back up.

J. Sinn learned how to make girls squirt from Dr. Phil Good, who learned how to make girls squirt from the master of making girls squirt – Axel Braun.

Axel Braun. He’s a funny guy. I read one of his dirty screenplays, once. It made me laugh. Why in the world would anyone write a screenplay for a dirty movie? I wonder if he story boards his dirty movies, too. Funny.

Anway, J. Sinn kept asking, over and over, if Jayma would allow him to make her squirt. And she was into it, and I was into watching it, so the next thing you know, Jayma’s jumping in the back, and Jacky’s jumping up front with me, and instantly Jayma’s shorts and panties are around her knees, and Jacky’s up front, and taken control of the radio, and my beloved Indie 103 is off, and something godawful is on, and it’s sure as shit definately on in the back seat, cause J. Sinn’s arm is moving a mile a minute, which is almost as fast as I’m driving down the 405, and in between lane changes and dodging other cars, I’m doing the best I can to enjoy the show.

And what a show!

Jayma’s head was buried somewhere under J. Sinn, and I think he was trying to fuck her, too; but she’s totally into teasing guys, and that’s exactly what she did. J would go back and forth – between trying to fuck her and make her squirt with his fingers; and I was going back and forth – between watching out for exit ramps and other cars; and Jack Joy was going back and forth – between one shitty radio station after another.

In the end, Jayma squirted. Everywhere. I’m glad the car was a rental, cause the back seat looked like someone dumped over a 5 gallon jug of water.

We piled out of the car, and I walked my date up to her room, and kissed her goodnight, and we made plans for the following day.

All in all, it was a good first date.

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Chlamydia – Cause it’s Fun, Fun, Fun!

Leave a comment

Chlamydia

I had a bad day at work today.

It’s really nice shooting content for a bunch of different sites, cause I can book one girl for the whole day. Booking a girl for a full day’s work has its advantages: she shows up happy and in a good mood cause I’ve given her anywhere from 3 to 5 “jobs” that day; she’s making a lot of money; and she doesn’t have to drive all over LA to make her moo-lah.

Add in the fact that I’m a great guy to work with, and there you have it.

So today when T. showed up for work, she had a smile on her face. I had a smile on my face, too, cause T. is cute, and bubbly, and who doesn’t like working with cute, bubbly girls?

We immediately hopped into the white van with all my gear and headed for one of the most notorious gloryholes this side of Rancho Cucamonga. Here’s some free gloryhole movies shot at the same location. Anyways, she sucked a big, black dick – an anonymous one at that – and we jumped back into the van…and on to the studio…to shoot a b/b/g (“boy-boy-girl”) for Blacks on Blondes, as well as a scene for a secret site I can’t really talk about right now.

On the way back to the studio, I called AIM. In case you didn’t know it, AIM is where all the porn stars get tested to make sure they’re free of STD’s. That’s when AIM gave me the bad news – T. had chlamydia. Poor girl. She was really upset; she felt “dirty”; she just lost out on a whole bunch of work, too. And we all know work means money.

To ease things up, I remind T. chlamydia is everywhere. It’s in spas and hot tubs! On toilet seats! On sex toys! Everyone has chlamydia!! They’ve either had it, or got it, or gonna catch it!! Shit, I even had chlamydia once, when I was in college, and when I was in college with chlamydia the Doc told me then at least 25% of the college was walking around with it.

“So let’s just call chlamydia our pal! Cause it’s fun, fun, fun!”

She didn’t laugh. Not once.

I called the agent. Agent has a girl who lives about an “hour or so” outside LA. Her name is K., and she’s girl’s available! And K. does brothers! She’ll even do internal creampies with the brothers!!

In Porno Land, an “hour or so” means anywhere from 90 minutes to four hours, so I book her.

Two and a half hours later my new gal shows. She’s cute, and the brothers love her, so we go to set and take stills. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I shoot all my stills before I roll video. Makes things a lot easier. After stills someone reminds me to call AIM…which I usually do before anyone has sex with anyone.

I call AIM, and one of my brothers is positive. You guessed it – chlamydia. This really fucks shit up cause now my girl’s been exposed, and one of the brothers has exposed the other brother.

Time for a pow wow. A meeting of the minds. We huddle up: K’s pissed at me, cause I didn’t remind her to check tests before pictures; I remind Kaylee it’s everyone’s responsibility to check tests, and I made an honest mistake; in addition, I remind K. that the brother who did test positive didn’t do a very good job during stills.

Which is to say he couldn’t get his dick hard.

Which is to say there was no penetration.

Which is to say we faked some of the stills.

Which is to say faking shit from time to time happens a lot in Porno Land.

Which is to say K. probably didn’t catch chlamydia, but we can’t take any chances…can we?

I lose Chlamydia Brother and reshoot the stills, this time as a simple boy-girl sex scene. (Certainly I couldn’t give the producer b/b/g stills with a b/g movie, right?)

K. shoots her scene, does well, and leaves to get her medicine. The brothers leave to get their medicine.

As I sit here banging this out on my laptop, I’m only 4 hours behind for the day, getting ready to start my last scene. I’m tired and grumpy and want to go home…only 5 more days left til I’m there.

Five days and fifteen scenes away.

And you thought shooting porno was all fun and games.

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Gang Bang Weirdness

Leave a comment

Gangbang Keymore Cash

I’m watching a gang bang as I type this. For real. I dunno where the actual scene is gonna end up – DVD or internet – and I don’t think it even has a name yet. I do know the scnario: it’s located at a sperm donor office, and there’s a cute little asian “managing” the office (Keymore Cash) and it’s going to be her job to collect all the sperm.

Looks like she’s got quite a job ahead of her.

Why the white suits? Since it isn’t my production, I really can’t say. But it certainly adds to the creepiness factor, so score some extra pervy points for the sicko-producer who thought it up.

It was a sweltering day in Los Angeles, and the studio has no air conditioning. Before the sex even starts, I could feel the place get about 10 degrees hotter just from the additional people milling around – and sex hadn’t even started…yet. I ran around the room with a clip board and a piece of paper, scouting out the new guys with potential. And, of course, I wouldn’t know what anyone’s potential really is until I watched the gang bang go down. Gotta see the dicks perform, you know?

There were some veterans there, too…you might even recognize a few of them from the group photo. What a motley crew! It was almost a who’s-who of B and C rate male talent, brand new male talent…and all real perverts. There’s Guy DeSilva! Remember Kyle Strong? Randy Rodman’s in da house, as well as Jeremy Steele and Spoonie Styles!

And when the sex started, shit got real weird, real fast. Dudes who seem friendly and easy going turn shitty real fast – a total Jekyll and Hyde side show thing. The instant cameras started rolling all the dudes started jacking off, working up a hard-on, and leering. A total creep show! And There was so much testosterone in this place I think, at one point, it starting to ooze from of the walls. Between everyone clamouring all over the place to grab a piece of ass and the random beating off, it was a total freak show.

When I shot the Spring Thomas gang bang things were more relaxed. Now, I’ll admit, it wasn’t really a gang bang (it was really a boy/girl sex scene with a blow bang tossed in just for fun) but it still makes me wonder why things weren’t as crazy on my set: 15 more guys? The fact they’re all getting some pussy? Maybe cause the brothers aren’t as high strung as the white dudes? Maybe a little of everything I just mentioned?

I have no clue.

I sat back with The Asian Man and talked shop while the madness went down. The Asian Man! He rules. The Asian Man scores chicks simply by being The Asian Man. Chicks e-mail that lil’ yellow fucker all the time! They want to bang-bang with The Asian Man!! Why don’t any chicks ever e-mail me wanting to bang-bang? And then, while The Asian Man was showing me his site, I noticed none other than the lovely Miss Jayma Reed! Right there on his tour! Which made me think of this beautiful haiku:

Oh, Jayma! Silly
ex-Mormon girl! Never did
You mention cream pies!

As I look out into the studio, they’re DPing Keymore Cash, who, just 6 months ago, was only 17. She’s a big girl now, with a big girl’s job. Soon, it’ll be time to dump cum all over her sweaty, Far-East beauty. I’ll be there, close by, scouting whatever talent is out on that floor. Let’s see which one of you fuckin’ pervs can come up with the best Money Shot.

She’s a gene pool, alright…a cummy mess. The thing that freaks me out is a lot of these dudes have no problem coming in contact with other dude’s sperm. When I tell you her stomach was a gene pool, I mean it. And yet here they are, stepping up to the plate, mixing it up with all that sperm. And from my vantage point, there were a couple dudes with a pretty hefty money shot, so I run back to my clipboard and make notes.

Just then, the doorbell rings; my pizza is here. Extra-thin crust, with sausage and mushrooms. Y que papas!

I just hope the pizza dude doesn’t call the cops with all the screaming and moaning going down.

Gangbang Keymore Cash