Tuesday Cartoon Madness
Interview with a Porn Star (#14) — Spring Thomas
Repeat: this is an entirely made-up thing. A thing I that came directly from my own head. Like fiction. In fact, I’m categorzing this interview under “Fabulous Fiction” as well as “Interview with a Porn Star”, cause, well…that’s what it is. However, I know Spring pretty well; in fact, I think I know her so well, I bet I can pull this off just like it was the real thing. Pretty cocky, huh? But after shooting her for 3+ years, I think I can back my shit up.
I Shoot Porn: Wow! Spring Thomas giving up an interview. That’s a pretty rare thing.
Spring Thomas: It is. In fact, I’ve only really done it one other time, only it was over internet radio.
ISP: I remember. You were really nervous.
ST: I know! Right?
ISP: Yes mam. Like when you did your very first scene ever. That BJ scene. At that amatuer site.
ST: I don’t want to talk about that.
ISP: Um, ok. Wanna talk about Sweet Apples? That was really the first time you were on camera, ever.
ST: I know! I like Sweet Apples! I was Ryan. I had fun. It was solo stuff, and some girl-girl stuff. Really innocent. And fun.
ISP: Then I found you.
ST: Or I found you.
ISP: That’s right. You called the ad we placed looking for talent for Spunkmouth. Remember?
ST: How could I forget? We met at Starbucks. It was summer, almost fall. Going on four years now.
ISP: Can you believe it? And we haven’t murdered each other yet. Well, I almost murdered you once.
ST: Yea, I remember. I think I almost murdered you like three or four times.
ISP: Maybe. You brought me doughnuts to fend off a beating once. Remember? You and Sophia did, actually. At like 10 in the morning. I shoulda still killed you two. Or maybe at least spanked you guys really good. Silly rabbits. Why don’t you bend over now and let me take a few whacks at that ass?
ST: Shut up!
ISP: Enough of this. Let’s talk porno. Who’s your favorite guy to work with?
ST: Shane Diesel. And lately, Jason Brown.
ISP: What about Mandingo?
ST: Eh.
ISP: Jack Napier?
ST: Eh.
ISP: Mr. Marcus?
ST: Yuk.
ISP: Double Yuk. Billy Watson?
ST: I won’t work with you. You’re white. And you have a really small dick.
ISP: Excuse me! I have an average-sized penis. 6 inches, no cheating, either. That’s base to tip. Not measuring from my butthole, and certainly not measuring from San Diego.
ST: Like I said. You have a really small dick. I’m a Size Queen sweetie. You should know that by now.
ISP: So size matters?
ST: Um, yea. Duh.
ISP: What’s the craziest scene on your site?
ST: This new boyfriend of mine and the scenes we’re shooting with him are hands-down the craziest stuff ever.
ISP: Yea, it’s gonna make people rip us off even more now.
ST: Totally.
ISP: Your poor boyfriend. You’re so mean to him.
ST: But he loves it so.
ISP: I know, huh? So what do you like to do in your spare time?
ST: I’m not answering that.
ISP: Wanna talk about your family at all?
ST: Nope. Not going there.
ISP: Your best friend?
ST: Sophia.
ISP: School?
ST: No thank you sir. Won’t talk about that.
ISP: The kind of guys you date?
ST: None of your business, man!
ISP: Can you tell me if you’re dating anyone at all right now?
ST: No sir-ee.
ISP: Do you party a lot?
ST: I like Saki Bombers and Bud Light and Kettle One. That’s about all I’ll say there.
ISP: Favorite color?
ST: Pink.
ISP: Who’s your favorite porno director?
ST: Um, wow. That’s a hard one. Lemme think on that.
ISP: Favorite song?
ST: Well, I dunno if I have a favorite. I love country music. I love pop music. I liked that Ashlee Simpson CD when it first came out. And 50 Cent, but that was a long time ago. I know I love to drive you crazy with my CD’s when we drive to LA. I like Napster and my lap top.
ISP: Remember when you wanted to be J Lo?
ST: I never wanted to be J Lo.
ISP: Favorite food?
ST: Beer. Fried rice. Beer. Sushi. Beer.
ISP: Beer isn’t a food.
ST: Says who?
ISP: Um…well, let’s see. What else…hmmm. What day is it today?
ST: You know what day it is today.
ISP: I do. How could I ever forget? May I?
ST: Of course darlin’.
ISP: (drops to his knee in song) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happppy birrrthday dear Spring…happy birthday to you!
ST: Awww. Thank you hun.
ISP: Did you get the flowers I sent?
ST: I did! I love them. Thank you sooo much!
ISP: OK. Now just admit 6 inches isn’t small.
ST: Not on your life, shrimpy.
The Records I’m Listening To Now.
That’s right, you silly MoFo’s. Records. Not MP3’s, or CD’s. All recent scores at my favorite record store, and in no particular order:
Loose Fur on the Drag City label. Cause it’s Tweedy.
Cat Power The Greatest. Cause she is.
The Dirtbombs UltraGlide in Black. Cause they fucking rock.
Studio One Rockers The Original. Straight outta Kingstown, Jamaica.
Randy Newman Live. I don’t give a shit what you say about this one.
Rolling Stones Big Hits (High Tide and Green Grass). Scored one with the book still intact in the gatefold.
Bob Dylan The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan. In mono!
The Meters second line strut. Love and gusha-gusha.
The Postal Service Give Up. On colored wax, no less.
Thelonious Monk. Best of. Even though I have a ton of Thelonious, it never hurts to spin his greatest hits package. That can almost be said of any artist. Shit, even the Bay City Rollers.
Husker Du Don’t Want To Know If You Are Lonely on the SST specially-priced 3-cut maxi-single. I’d like to point out that all hyphens just used are all used correctly.
Sex Pistols Filthy Lucre Live. I don’t care what you say about this one, either.
James Brown ‘Live’ At The Apollo. Two Big Albums in One!
Various Artists on 20 Explosive Dynamic Super Smash Hit Explosions! from Pravada. For the Mojo Nixon bonus 45? The Young Fresh Fellows version of Black Betty? Or The Smashing Pumpkins doing Jackie Blue? You make the call.
So there you have it. Cause I think the only way you really get to know someone is knowing the music they listen to, and the only way you really and truly like someone is to have the same sort of musical tastes.
And as my old-time long-dead friend Eric Zanheiser’s dad used to tell him, after he would yell at Eric a whole bunch right after Eric got caught doing something really stupid: “put that in your bong and smoke it!”
JOMG and Spunkmouth Alyson Whyte
I’ve never really talked too much about Allyson Wyte – or Allison White, Allison Whyte, Alisson Whyte, Alisson White, or even Alisson Wyte – depending on how you spell it. And I should, cause I consider her a pal, and she’s a really cool girl. But before I go there, here’s a little rant:
Porno girls need to think about their name before they ever pick one. It’s really part of a business enterprise, and they have no idea that’s really what it is. And how important it is. And before they tell a soul what their porno name’s gonna be, they need to register the domain, and make sure it’s easy to spell, and make sure there aren’t any past porno girls that have had that name before, and to register all the common mis-spells, and all that, but porno girls aren’t known for thier business acumen, are they?
Not that Allyson’s a dumbo; actually, I think she’s pretty smart. Anyways, I met her dude, Robbie James, through Domineko, a few years back. I needed a white guy for a scene. Shit, I know all the black guys; white guys are a different story. Robbie banged Austin O’Reilly (remember her?!) for Spunkmouth, and he mentioned his chick, Allyson Wyte, was in the game.
Actually, she was fairly popular by then. I think she had a Hustler cover or two…maybe for Barely Legal. And lots of DVD’s out, as well as web stuff.
So I booked Allyson Wyte and Robbie James. For a scene to be shot at their apartment. This was primarily a budgeting decision; shoot a porno couple at their apartment, and it’s almost always free. Besides, I didn’t have a studio back then, either. It was pretty much a typical porno apartment in the valley…which means lots of messy-mess everywhere, and too many people in too small a space…that sort of thing. But it was fun.
(Side note #1: Allyson and Sally Rodeo did yet another scene for Spunkmouth. Girl-girl action and then Robbie and Trevor walk into the room and coat both their faces with jizz).
(Side note #2: The folks in the picture with Robbie and Allyson are Jubilee and her man, and I shot them both for a Spunkmouth scene right after I finished up with Robbie and Allyson’s scene, and they’re cool, too. Whacky, but cool, in a porno way. A nice pair, really, and they were crashing with Robbie and Allyson’s pad for a while, which made for some interesting shit, I’d imagine.)
Next up for Allyson? J.O.M.G. Jizz On My Glasses. Or, in this particular instance, Jizz On Allyson Wyte’s Glasses. Here’s where shit gets kinda wierd. I decide it might be a good thing to change shit up on JOMG, cause up to that point, it was pretty much a bj site with one dude as the male talent, and the porno girl, of course. This was primarily a budgeting decision; the fewer people in a scene, the cheaper it gets.
Duh.
Anyway, I was feeling kinda anxious that night – the kind of anxiety a good dick sucking would cure – and I had Robbie coming over with Allyson for the JOMG scene.
How do I jump in on that deal?
And how do you ask a dude, Hey, mind if your chick blows me, too?
I mean, is there any way to ask, but that way? I pondered this as I waited for them to arrive. I didn’t go as far as practicing the question to the mirror, or anything silly like that. But I thought about it.
And when they walked in, I said hi, and then I asked Robbie, “Um, hey, mind if your chick blows me, too?”
No problemo. They were both down. Robbie and I even took turns holding camera as Allyson took turns smoking our poles. And the cum shot? Here’s where it gets really wierd…and maybe even, damn it…kinda gay?
Shit. I hate to even admit that, but I just did.
So…we’re both close to popping, and I’m getting kinda amped up in anticipation for Robbie to blast his chick in the face. He’s getting amped, which is getting me kinda amped, and the next thing you know, we both blast off…at the same exact time.
Literally.
Look again at the money shot clip again, just in case you don’t believe me. I mean never in my life did I ever think I’d be whacking that close to another dude whacking…and cum at that same exact time as that other dude whacking so close to me.
Like I said, fucking ghey.
So that’s all I’m gonna say about that. And about Allyson, for that matter, cause there’s really not much more to say.
Tuesday Cartoon Madness
Hillary Scott and her Anal Woes
Six months ago I booked Hillary Scott for a Blacks on Blondes scene. She has the perfect look for that site; in other words, it’s a no-brainer.
She showed up on time – which has turned into a special treat for me. That’s right: “special treat”. I don’t think I’d ever have a job when, if someone shows up, they’d show up on time, and I’d actually refer to it as a special treat. But that’s part of this porno gig…when they show up, and show up on time, it’s a motherfuckin’ special treat.
“My pussy’s a little sore,” Hillary said, right after I introduced myself. “Do you think I could do all anal today?”
“Well, you know you’re working with BOZ The Animal?”
She knew.
“You know he’s packing about a foot of man meat?”
She knew.
“Well, then…sure! Let’s have an all-anal scene!”
And what a scene it was…
FLASH FORWARD: It’s January, and I’m at the AVN’s, and it’s after the show, and we’re at the Circle Bar at the Venetian, and me and my bro are watching Chico Wang run wild. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Hillary Scott walks up with Leah Luv. (They’re best friends). I say hello to them both, and they don’t remember me from shit, which is more typical porno girl behavior (I spent a whole day with Leah shooting her), but Hillary hands me her business card:
HILLARY SCOTT
PROFESSIONAL ANAL WHORE
which is an interesting thing to put on a business card and hand out to people, but hey…after her scene with BOZ, I’d have to agree.
FLASH FORWARD: It’s Tuesday, as in Tuesday of last week, and I’ve decided to book Hillary Scott, again for Blacks on Blondes, cause, well…it’s a no-brainer. She’s hot, and she’s blonde, and anyone that hot and blonde can come back to the site a second time. Plus, she’s added something new to her list of things she’ll do: double anal.
Double anal.
As in two guys stuff their weiners up her exit ramp at the same time, and then move them back and forth. Very fast.
I book her for 6 pm, cause she’s at Suze Randall’s studio all day, which could be a potential problem. Tired, cranky porno girls and Double A don’t go well together. I realize this booking her, but it’s the only time we can make our calendars work, and I really, really want this Double A scene. I don’t think there’s Double A anywhere at Blacks on Blondes.
I get another special treat from her as she shows up on time, and ready to work, but she does look like she’s had a hard day. This is why I have make-up artists on set.
She’s hungry, too, so I take her order and run to get it while she’s being made up: Taco Bell Nachos, cheese only, and a large Doctor Pepper. While she’s eating, I talk to Wesley Pipes and Weed, my male talent, while they’re shooting pool in the green room. It’s all small-talk, until Wesley asks me for a favor.
“Yo Billy man. Think you can write a letter to the judge for me?”
Turns out Wes is in some trouble, and he’s trying to get out of it, but things might not turn out in his favor. I ask Wes how I’m to handle talking about what he does for a living. I mean I’ve written these letters before – more than once or twice – and I’m not sure what to say about Wes’s chosen profession.
“Shit man, the Judge knows I’m porno!”
I agree to write the letter.
That’s about the time Hillary walks in, ready to go to work. In a nutshell, the scene goes off without a hitch, until we get to Double A, which, when I think about it now, is the biggest hitch to the whole scene. And, in the end, it didn’t work.
Hillary’s tired? Black guys dicks aren’t hard enough? There just wasn’t enough love in the air? No one will ever know. The scene still turned out, and turned out it did, and I can’t complain, even though there was no Double A.
All I’m left wondering now is how much longer Wesley Pipes will be around.
Tuesday Cartoon Madness
Super fun e-mails.
Face Blaster writes:
I Shoot Porn dead? Did you give up?
Dear Face Blaster,
I Shoot Porn is not dead…far from it. I just need breaks from time to time. It’s like my porno job; one minute I love it, and the next I hate it. It’s those breaks in the middle that keep me from jumping off the bridge.
In the meantime, check out Jayma Reed, the newest Spunkmouth girl. If you ask me, she’s got the look of a girl who would choose a career in porn last out of a list of things to do in her life. Know what I mean?
Let’s pretend there’s a list called “Things To Do In My Life”, and it’s in front of Jayma, and she’s asking us to help her fill it in. Now, she’s in college (about 1/2 way through), and looking for some extra bread to get her through school before she starts her life in accounting. So, on this list I’m thinking waitress/hostess, bar tender, hotel concierge, office staff, or maybe something like retail sales.
You know, the “normal” stuff.
Getting plowed by a black dick on camera wouldn’t make my list, you know?
I shot her last week on this kooky Egyptian set.
The scenario?
She’s at the museum, and she touches the artifacts, even after the museum guard tells her not to. Guess what happens to the bad girl? Here’s the (often funny) final twist: after she’s coated in the security guard’s jizz – the same security guard who’s promised her she won’t get in any trouble for fucking in the museum cause he’s the security guard and he’ll take care of everything if they do get caught – she asks, “how do we get me cleaned up and out of here?” but, of course, the security guard wouldn’t know, cause he’s not a security guard, but just this horny dude visiting the musuem.
Clever, huh?
Anyways, I’m going to try and knock out some writing today. Let’s see how it goes. And thanks for your concern, my face-blasting friend.
Your pal,
Billy
Gwen Stefani Topless
Boy, someone spent a lot of time in Photoshop.
Interview with a Porn Star (#13) — Jacky Joy
I Shoot Porn: So, today’s your first interracial scene. What’s going through your head right now?
Jacky Joy: I’m very nervous about how big they are.
ISP: The colored fellahs? You know that’s a myth, right?
JJ: Really? Everyone keeps telling me it’s true!
ISP: Well, they’re wrong! Anyway, how did you get into porn?
JJ: Exploited teens found myspace. It’s funny, cause I put that I was 14 years old, but I’m really 20.
ISP: So what the fuck’s up with the Exploited Teens guy?! He’s contacting 14 year olds to do porn?!?
JJ: Well, I say I’m 20 on there, but you have to read my profile. But that dude is totally freaky! He’s shady, he’s all about the girl, and he kinda makes me wanna barf!
ISP: Like all porn producers?
JJ: (laughs) Yea, I guess.
ISP: When you’re not in front of the camera, what do you do?
JJ: I go to college. I wanna be a pharmaceutical marketer.
ISP: You wanna sell drugs?
JJ: Yea, legally! Oh, I also strip. At Grandview. They’ve got a huge calendar of all the Grandview girls. It’s in Pocono, PA. Totally nude place.
ISP: So you show your BA-gina to everyone! Just like in your movies!
JJ: Yea, and dance. I love being a stripper. And I love being in porn. I think it’s funny. It’s ironic. You got a stripper that does porn. God forbid a stripper does porn.
ISP: What’s the dumbest thing a director’s ever asked you to do?
JJ: I was on the Bang Bus. They do that stupid thing where they run away from you at the end. And then people come up to me afterward and say things like “They didn’t pay you?” DUH! Of course they paid me.
ISP: You gotta boyfriend?
JJ: Yea.
ISP: Does he know you do porn?
JJ: Kinda sorta.
ISP: What’s that mean, exactly?
JJ: Um, I don’t tell him when I go to do a shoot. Then he finds my scene on the internet. Then I admit I to him what I did. It’s pretty shady.
ISP: Does he threaten to break up with you?
JJ: At first. Then I convince him I’m never gonna do it again. And he forgives me and says if you do it again, I’ll break up with you. He’s said that like 4 times now.
ISP: That rules. Wait till he sees your scene at Blacks On Blondes.
JJ: What’s it called?
ISP: Blacks on Blondes.
JJ: Um, I just hoping he doesn’t see it. Is it gonna be on the internet?
ISP: Um, yes.
JJ: (Sarcastically) Great. I can’t wait to go back to college. One person hears or sees it, and the whole campus knows. That’s how my boyfriend finds out.
ISP: Well, get ready…
JJ: Um, ok. (Nervous laugh). It’s just like Bang Bus. One guy from Williamsport, which is north of PA, found out, and suddenly the whole state of Pennsylvania knew I was doing porn.
ISP: That’s a lot of people.
JJ: Pretty much. One of my friends posted a link to see me. Then all my best friends found out.
ISP: And?
JJ: Some people call me a trashy, slutty whore. Others are like “Can I have your autograph?” One of my professors asked me for my autograph!
ISP: A Professor asked you for an autograph? What class did he teach?
JJ: Accounting.
ISP: What did you get in that class?
JJ: A C+
ISP: You shoulda blown him for the A.
JJ: Yea, really. I shoulda. My life is really interesting. I should have my own reality show.
ISP: That’s what all these nutty porno girls say.
