Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#71) — Velicity Von

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I Shoot Porn: Where did your name come from?

Velicity Von: I made it up. Do you want me to go into detail?

ISP: Yes.

VV: I wanted to use my real name, but my first agent told me that wasn’t safe. So then I was trying to come up with names that rhyme with my middle name. My agent came up with Felicity Faye, but there was already a girl named that. I didn’t want to use a name that was already taken. My agent came up with Velicity Von, and I think she got it from the supermarket.

ISP: What is the biggest misconception about girls who are adult actresses?

VV: Probably that we’re just sluts, I guess. I know we are, but…(laughs loudly).

ISP: Do you watch your own scenes?

VV: I’ve only watched like one full scene. Big Wet Asses 9 or 11. I don’t remember. I don’t like listening to myself is what it is. I don’t mind looking at myself. I just can’t listen to the noises I make. I’ve heard myself and I thought if I was a dude and jacking off, I’d hate myself!

ISP: Does any scene stand out as the most difficult or intense?

VV: My first DP was with Steve Holmes and Erik Everhard, and, um…it was for Jules Jordan. I just, like…struggled with the scene. I thought it was horrible. It was an anal cream pie, and I was new to anal, and I was worried…

ISP: You were worried about what all girls worry about when it’s in the booty…that shit would happen?

VV: Exactly! It was an anal cream pie, and I’d have to push the cum out, and I was worried it would get dirty. I went through a whole box of baby wipes, but I wasn’t messy. It was mental. You wanna hear something funny? I rarely do anal at home, but when I walk on set and become Velicity Von, no problem.

ISP: Your early experiences with sex: Did you have a “crazy” sex life before you got into the business? Ever do a 3-some or a gang bang?

VV: Yes. You know…I’ve done it all. I’ve had trains run on me. (laughs loudly). Where do I even begin? Do you know how I lost my virginity?

ISP: Please tell.

VV: I was 15. Me and my girlfriend were over at a boy’s house. Um, it was him and his cousin, and they were both 15, and there was another dude there who was 18. We knew these boys. I had a crush on the 18 year old. She had a crush on one of the 15 year olds. I caught her making out with the 18 year old, and it pissed me off. I wanted him! So I went downstairs and the two of them ended up railing me. They took turns. That could be why I’m like this, huh? (laughs) Anyways, after that, no one in my high school would be my boyfriend.

ISP: Thongs, bikinis, or granny panties – which do you wear?

VV: It depends. No panties sometimes, sometimes thongs, or else cute little boy shorts.

ISP: Do you like your bacon thin & crispy, or thick & chewy?

VV: Crispy!

ISP: What did you want to be when you were 10 years old?

VV: I can’t remember at 10. Probably something like a vet.

Gia Paloma, make-up artist: Every girl wants to be a vet…and marry a cowboy…and live on a giant ranch.

ISP: Have you found it difficult to date people who aren’t in the biz and know what you do? Or do you feel we’re all relegated to dating fellow sex workers?

VV: I dated someone who wasn’t in the biz, and it was horrible. He would put me down for it. I also love black cock, and he would call me all sorts of nasty names. It’s very hard. I was being with someone who wouldn’t let me be me. Now I’m dating a fellow sex worker and it’s good. Perfect.

ISP: So we’re all doomed to date porno people.

VV: (Laughs)

ISP: Are you good friends with any other female porn stars?

VV: Not really. There’s girls I talk to, but not really.

ISP: What did you want to be when you were 20 years old?

VV: I wanted to do porn. When I was 12 I wanted to be a Playboy Bunny. The porn came when I was in high school…after I started to have sex. Actually, I grew up in Michigan, and I wanted to be a Déjà Vu girl. A stripper. I thought girls that did sex work were Goddesses to me. A lot of it had to do with the way I’d see guys react to strippers and nudie models.

ISP: If a penis could ejaculate anything other than semen, what do you wish a penis would shoot out during the money shot!?

VV: Anything? Like…anything in the world?

ISP: Yes mam.

VV: How about a big, fat joint. Could you imagine that? Popping out of a dick and smoking it?

ISP: Do you want any traffic to your myspace or Twitter?

VV: I Twitter.

ISP: Why in the world is your Twitter private? That’s dumb. How can I stalk you?

VV: Well, there’s a lot of dirty pics on my Twitter. I put nasty pics up there. I’m an adult…and a girl needs her privacy.

ISP: Oh, trust me…I’ve heard that one before.

I

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: Big Dicks & Wilco

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Victoria Lawson P O V sex videos
CC writes:

Hey Mr. Watson (can I call you Billy?),

My name is CC. I’m a normal 29 year old guy living in Portland. Just wanted to drop a line and tell you I enjoyed browsing around your blog and websites. Even though it’s as hardcore pornographic and smutty as anything, I appreciate the sense of realness, intelligence, and humor (not to mention good grammar) in your work.

I was led to your blog when googling about penis size (I’m a little OCD about it although I’m aware of most of the “facts” and studies, etc.), and found your blog entry on the subject from March 2009. It was very insightful. Hope this isn’t TMI (I mean you do shoot porn after all), but being 5′ 4″ and Asian-American, I’m a smaller guy, maxing out at approx 5.5″ length X 4.75″ girth if I depress away that fat in that area. I have to say you look bigger than 6″ on camera, but I know lights, angles, and lenses all play a part in that). Anyway, your frankness about the subject, plus the fact that you have convincingly hot sex with beautiful porn stars (as well as owning up to the fact that you pay them) on your Mr. POV site, is inspiring for a person like me that hasn’t had sex for years, gets down on their physical attributes sometimes, and sometimes gets discouraged, albeit turned on by the massive penises fucking tiny women in most commercial porn. I’m sure you have your problems and ups and downs, have to pay bills and taxes like everyone else, but your life is seems pretty bitchin looking in from the outside.

I was also motivated to write because you are a fan of Wilco and Jeff Tweedy. I’ve been a huge Wilco fan for several years now, and I still love them, although I think their album quality has dropped off some since A Ghost Is Born. The string of Being There, Summerteeth, YHF, and AGIB is one of the most consistently innovative, creative, and emotionally resonant collection of tunes in all of rock history. I saw Tweedy solo acoustic at the McDonald Theater in Eugene right after I moved to Portland, and it the best “intimate” show I’ve ever seen. He even played “Far, Far Away” when I yelled it out from the crowd. I agree with you that Wilco is at it’s peak with the live show; my only beef with them is that I miss Tweedy’s more cryptic, image invoking lyrics since he’s decided to go in a more straightforward direction with his writing.

Couple questions. Do you play an instrument or write music and do you draw those comic characters of yourself on the websites? I put in a myspace friend request to you profile, and I’ll be checking out your blog (and porn) from time to time. If you’re on facebook, I have a profile at (link deleted) if you want to add me.

CC
——————-
Hey CC!

Whenever I eat my morning muffin, I probably do what you do: pull the top off and save it for last. I also put on raw sugar in my latte, and then lightly sprinkle on on the top of the (still hot) foam. This kinda makes for a sugary, Crème brûlée experience.

No Way Am I Gay.

It’s 2010! I’m watching/listening to Elvis Costello and The Imposters – Live In Memphis on palladia. I highly recommend palladia, just as I highly recommend each and every Wilco release — for their strengths and weaknesses. The only Wilco record I liked immediately was Being There. I hated Summerteeth when I first heard it, as well as A.M. and Sky Blue Sky. YHF was OK on my first take, as well as A Ghost is Born. I’m still working on Wilco (The Album). Finally, I have no problem with the live Kicking Television, although it seems to be the most-frowned upon official WIlco release.

I sometimes fantasize about playing lead guitar in a famous rock band; however, I don’t play any instrument.

I sometimes fantasize about being an artist; however, I can’t draw or paint.

Thank you, CC, for noting my grammar and punctuation skills. Let’s call these The Skills to Pay The Bills. No one really wants to admit it, but proper grammar and punctuation go a very, very long way. It’s a dead art, too, with all the text messages and IM’ing we do nowadays. Wanna hear a secret? I didn’t really know (or care) too much about punctuation and grammar until I had to teach it. It took me a semester or two to really get it down, and even now I fuck up from time to time. I don’t have an editor, though, so there’s my excuse.

(Wanna hear another secret? Once upon a time, Yours Truly headed up a Human Resources department for a very small stock brokerage firm, and I took an evil delight in posting resumés loaded with poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation right in the break room; the brokers enjoyed that entertainment even more than I. Think about that next time you rush through a resumé and hand it in to get The Job. (And if you’re silly enough to think Bill Gates’s software can discover all of your spelling and grammar errors, then you deserve what you get.))

My very favorite piece of punctuation would have to be the hyphen (–). I like the hyphen way more than its little cousin, the dash (-). I’m also a sucker for semi-colons and the ellipsis, although I kinda cheat the rule when it comes to an ellipsis…just like that. I like them to convey a sense that I’m pausing before I finish whatever silly thing I’m saying.

My very favorite piece of ass (lately) is Jackie Daniels…just to keep things hardcore pornographic and smutty around here. (Although Victoria Lawson — pictured here — is a close second).

Which is a perfect segue into my next thought: why are we so hung up on the size of our cocks? Or, more specifically, I wonder how many poor saps Google “penis enhancement” on an hourly basis? (Not that you’re a sap, CC. Well, I really don’t know you, but from your very kind e-mail I’d say you’re far from being a sap, sap-like, or sappy.)

We’re hung up on Wee-Wee Size for the same reason chicks are hung up on the size of their fun bags: the bigger, the better…right?

Listen to me, bro: quit wasting your time researching “the facts and studies, etc”. The Master of Sex, Dr. Kinsey, measured something like 10,000 peckers over the years, and he found they’re almost all 5 to 7 inches long…whether you’re white, black, yellow, or red. The Brothas are bigger when they’re flaccid (on average) but when it’s time for President Woodrow Wilson to make his entrance, odds are it’s 5 to 7 inches long.

How about all those silly penis synonyms?

By the way, I am not Mister POV; I simply own 1/2 of his site..

Imagine the line around the plastic surgeon’s office if you could get a functional 8 or 9-incher for 6 or 7K! (I’d be in the front of that line, just as I was at Amoeba to get my Beatles mono box). Poor dudes would be pawning every single one of their possession to get one. Rich dudes would be packing 12 or 13.

Dicks ain’t boobs, though, and as it sits right now I’ll take my wholly average 6-inch ween over an 8 incher that looks like it came off Frankenstein’s monster…cause if you’ve ever seen a surgically-enhanced pecker, you’d know what I mean.

Which is to say a little bit of confidence and a whole lot of pussy eating go a long way.

And go buy yourself the Hitachi Magic Wand and stick it in the drawer next to your bed; think of it as your insurance policy.

A cheap one at that.

Your pal — Billy

Current Events, random rants

Karl Rove Divorced — Again.

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Charles Bukowski poem The Genius of the Crowd
I’m on a roll lately.

Rant n’ Roll.

So today I wake up and take care of my addictions: first, caffeine & sugar, and then the news.

Karl Rove, Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to former President GWBush II, has just sealed his second divorce. If you don’t know him, or kinda know him, let me enlighten you: Mr. Rove was Barn Boss over at the Office of Political Affairs, the Office of Public Liaison, and the White House Office of Strategic Initiatives during what could be called the most conservative administration in modern history; in addition, he was a former Republican political consultant and strategist, as well as part of a vast team that, to this day, is The Defender of Family Values and Everything Good & Right.

You gotta hand it to him on one thing, though…he got all the above without a college diploma. “I lack at this point one math class, which I can take by exam, and my foreign language requirement,” he once said. Sounds familiar, huh? It kinda makes sense, though, that someone like Bush Jr would hire a dude without an degree to head up a political team — even at the state level. Political Science degrees are kinda like History degrees are kinda like Justice Studies degrees…which is to say almost every one of my Flunky Jock Pals “earned” one.

Including me.

I hate the right wingers. It’s not cause they’d like to riddle my kind with a sub-machine gun, it’s cause my biggest revenue source wants me terminated. It’s cause they fight for family values after multiple divorces. It’s cause they hate fags but cruise the airport’s men’s room after a long flight. It’s cause they preach monogamy, but use your money to fly to exotic places to bang their mistresses. It’s cause they’re stupid enough to believe abstinence programs in high school work. They’re Name Callers and War Mongers and love to frighten everyone. They want to crucify drug addicts — right after they score. They criticize without following up with solutions. They’re the first to pass judgment and the first to cite Jesus.

And then there’s the Democrats.

Whew.

Let me catch my breath. In the meantime, check out my very favorite poet and one of my very favorite poems.

Every time I hear another Stupid Conservative Hypocrite suffering from Diarrhea of The Mouth, I think of this:

The Genius Of The Crowd
Charles Bukowski

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Current Events

My Very Favorite Things This Past Year.

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Violet Monroe P O V sex videos
As 2008 closed, my favs were Left of the Dial — Dispatches from the 80’s Underground; Little Steven’s Underground Garage; Andi Anderson’s butt hole; Muntadhar al Zaidi; Synecdoche, New York; Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks show at The Hollywood Bowl; The Democratic Party; Adrianna Nicole; Patton Oswalt and Friends at the Largo at The Coronet; and Cumbang.

As ’09 closes, I look back at another year that passed like a lightning bolt and look forward to 2010…which, to me, is The Future.

We’re living in The Future…or about to.

The world according to I am Legend is just two years away; Rollerball is eight years away, and Blade Runner is just one past that; Soylent Green is set in 2022; and the Terminators are set to walk to Earth in less than 20 years from now.

How about that?

Why am I even mentioning this?

Anyways, here’s some of my very favorite things of 2009:

Wilco at The Wiltern, June 22, 2009: Sure, I’m gay for Wilco — everyone knows that — so anything I say about the band, you’re gonna dismiss as “Billy’s just gay for Wilco”. I’ve been to a lot of shows in my day, and this band is at its peak as far as playing live is concerned. They do things at an instinctual level I’ve never really seen any other band do. Six dudes play as one. There’s not been many shows I’ve ever seen that compare to this one, either. And I don’t give a fuck what you think: Nels Cline is the greatest living American guitarist…and Tweedy’s a lyrical genius. Speaking of, let’s toss in Tweedy’s 12/27 solo show in Phoenix…since I just left it a hour or so ago. He even played an Uncle Tupelo song!

Black Mass: Apocalyptic Religion and the Death of Utopia by John Gray: If you think the Mayans have the End-of-the-World-2012 biz cornered, just know there’s been all sorts of whack jobs predicting our demise since Jesus walked the Earth. You already know every single one of them’s been wrong, too. Wildly wrong. This book isn’t really about that…just kinda. But be warned: when you sit down to read it, make sure it’s in a quiet place and you have your thinking cap securely fastened.

Violet Monroe: The thing I like most about Violet is she doesn’t look like a Porno Princess. She doesn’t act like one, either…most of the time, anyway. Besides, she turned me on to The Raveonettes.

Disc #4 from Big Star’s Keep An Eye on The Sky: Don’t get me wrong — the outtakes, demos, the weird and rare tracks that make up discs 1 – 3 are great, too…but it’s the fourth disc that seals this deal. In January of ’73 Archie Bell & The Drells played Lafayette’s Music Room in Memphis, TN. Opening for them that night was Big Star. No one gave a shit about Big Star (duh…no one really did for another twenty years), so it’s dead silent as they played; since this was a recorded with a mic from the audience and everyone was as lazy as a church mouse, the audio is great. It’s almost like no one was there to watch what has become (arguably) one of the most influential bands of all time play their opening set. In fact, no one was — they were all there to see Archie do “Tighten Up”, which means they missed Alex Chilton and his crew rip through “Back of a Car”, “The Ballad of El Goodo”, “Thirteen”, “O My Soul” and a whole bunch of other great songs.

Mister POV: It took that silly sonofabitch three years to give me enough content to launch his site, but now that it’s out there, I don’t think there’s a better POV site in the whole wide world. Sure, I’m biased…I own 1/2 of it. But still, between Bree Olson, Jackie Daniels, Natalie Norton, Abbey Brooks, Ginger Lee, Ashley Fires, and Barbie Cummings (among others) I don’t think anyone would argue this chubby mofo (and his pervy “pals”) are the luckiest guys in the world.

An Evening with R. Crumb: At the end of October at UCLA’s Royce Hall, a somewhat reclusive Crumb sat down with Françoise Mouly for about an hour and talked about his life (in general) and his Book of Genesis specifically. In the end, I couldn’t decide what I liked better: the whack jobs in the crowd or the whacky Crumb.

Up In The Air: I saw it right after Thanksgiving, and I still haven’t been able to shake it. While I’m talking movies, let’s toss in The Hangover and Inglourious Basterds.

The Raveonettes: Sune Rose Wagner and Sharin Foo kinda remind me of Jim and William Reid and The Jesus and Mary Chain…only I like the Raveonettes more. Way more. They’re Danes, too! How about that?! I mean would someone please name any band hailing from Denmark that’s worth a shit?! Uh huh…I knew you couldn’t. From their site: “Their music is characterized by close two-part vocal harmonies inspired by The Everly Brothers coupled with hard-edged electric guitar overlaid with liberal doses of noise”.

Random Thoughts

The most provocative sex studies of 2009.

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Interracial sex videos
Sally Law, Science of Sex columnist, reports the 9 most provocative sex studies of 2009; Billy Watson, hi-brow sleaze-bag pornographer, responds.

1. Sex smells: A man’s sweat smells different when he’s sexually aroused — and women can tell the difference between the smell of sexual sweat and the regular stuff, according to a study in The Journal of Neuroscience.

My ball sweat smells like a winning Lotto ticket after a good session; a stunt cock I used to hire for Blacks on Blondes smelled like Hamburger Helper…out of the 60 (or so) different flavors, I’d say it was closest to the Cheesy Jambalaya.

2. Pulling out works: Well, most of the time. In a paper published in the June issue of Conception magazine, researchers claimed that withdrawal was “almost as effective as the male condom” when it came to pregnancy prevention (a failure rate of 18 percent, vs. the 17 percent failure rate of condoms).

If you want to be even more sure about your pregnancy prevention, pull out early enough to have that special someone spin around, drop to her knees, and take it on the face.

3. Child’s play: An Iowa State University study found that 25 percent of children — ranging in ages from 11 to 16 — in low-income households reported having sex. The average age of first intercourse for that group was 12.77.

In a follow-up study conducted by yours truly, 82% of them ended up in Porn Valley soon after they turned 18.

4. Growing pains: According to a study from the University of Turin, penis extenders might work — a particular brand that used traction to gradually stretch the penis over time was found to increase flaccid members’ length by almost one inch.

WTF? What good is it making Mr. Softie bigger? And only by an inch? Does this mean I need to toss the rest of my Extenze?

5. The pursuit of pleasure: Men who are very sexually active in their 20s and 30s — especially those who masturbate frequently — are at higher risk for prostate cancer, said researchers at the University of Nottingham. But that risk decreases as a man ages, and once he’s in his 50s, even small levels of sexual activity can help protect him from the disease.

Considering 100% of dudes aged 20 – 30 beat off all the fucking time, this fact has to skew their qualitative research methods, rendering them almost useless. (You can always count on an educated pornographer for The Truth.)

6. Pill popping: In February, the Federal Drug Administration mandated that Bayer, the manufacturer of Yaz birth-control pills, fix their commercials that promoted Yaz as a weapon against acne and PMS and downplayed its potential health risks.

Huh?

7. This is a test: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists released new guidelines for cervical-cancer screenings: Women should wait until age 21 to get their first Pap smear, and should be checked every three years (instead of annually) if they have a history of normal test results.

Halloween 1995 I dressed up as a gynecologist and offered free pap smears; 100% of the women at the parties I attended were not amused.

8. Not yet: According to research published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, women who hold out on sex are acting on a biological impulse to find more suitable providers — and men are waiting to prove that they’re up to the challenge.

And almost all women today define “suitable providers” by both their income tax returns and credit score.

9) Role reversal: Men feel guiltier following sexual infidelity, while women feel worse after an emotional transgression—and both are incredibly self-involved. “If an individual assumes that everyone, regardless of their sex, is most concerned with the same form of infidelity that they themselves are most concerned about, this person would consequently make false inferences leading to feelings of guilt,” said researcher Maryanne Fisher, a professor at St. Mary’s University in Halifax, Canada.

If only Maryanne Fisher could take a few seconds to pull her head out of her academic ass while speaking, 85% of the people reading this might understand what the fuck she’s talking about.

Current Events

Should condoms be required on porn sets?

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Jackie Daniels blowjob videos
From the AP: LOS ANGELES – A Los Angeles judge has denied a request from an AIDS advocacy group calling for mandatory use of condoms on porn sets.

Judge David Yaffe on Tuesday rejected a petition from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation that contended county health officials hadn’t done enough to prevent sexually transmitted diseases in the porn industry, according to the Los Angeles Times.

The group sued the county in July after data showed there were more than 3,700 STD cases over the past five years reported by a clinic that serves porn actors.

In denying the foundation’s request, Yaffe said the county has broad discretion in how it oversees public health. The group plans to appeal the decision.
—————————-
As of this writing, 65% of the readers at MSNBC (where I found the article) who read this agreed with the judge; almost 30% wanna see a glove on that Johnson.

If you’re asking me, I think condoms are a great idea to ensure we’re all safe, healthy, and happy.

And If you’re asking me, Jackie Daniels is the hottest piece of ass to roll into Porn Valley since…since…since…

random rants, Super Fun Pictures

Just Do It.

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Did anyone catch the name of the Porno Princess Tiger allegedly banged?

Is it OK for me to rant? Cause at first I was gonna make this a lazy post and just post the picture. Then I realized I still haven’t heard who the Porno Princess was he banged…and then, even thought I wasn’t gonna do it, I wanted to write.

How the fuck does anyone expect a decent looking dude under the age of 50 with any sort of considerable net worth to stay monogamous?

How the fuck does anyone expect a dude under the age of 50 to stay monogamous?

Come on, bro. Just admit it. You’ve cheated. And you’ve done it as much as you thought you could get away with…and then some. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single; doesn’t matter if you’ve got kids or not. You took silly risks and jeopardized your relationship just for the pussy.

I once asked Byron Long — who’s been in porno since ’92 — “who’s got the best pussy you’ve ever banged?”

All sorts of girls’ names were flashing through my head. His reply wasn’t, but after he answered, I thought to myself of course.

“The best pussy I ever fucked was the one I was just about to fuck for the first time.”

It’s not even limited to real-life experience. Look at my business. Why do you think I gotta churn out scene after scene after scene? Shit, when I beat to porn 99% of what I whacked to was over the second it made me cum. That’s why I never bought porn; I was a perpetual renter.

I blame God. He created part of the male brain to spread its seed at any costs…and up to about 1900 that made a lot of sense. Seriously, it’s in our DNA. Wired. Hard coded like a motherfucker. Now, combo that with our insecurity, our ego, and that feeling of conquest, and it’s over.

I ain’t even gonna blame women one bit — even though it’s easy to do. And trust me, it doesn’t take them long to be over the dick. Why do you think they’re bugging you to knock them up? I blame God.

Once upon a time I was a jock. Pretty good one, too. Paid for a lot of things. During Jockdom, I used to shoot testosterone right into my butt. Like a junkie. (Although junkies don’t shoot in their butts). This is when I was in my early 20’s. Like I didn’t have enough already. Anyways, I’d wake up at 3 am with a boner that hurt. No exaggeration. My dick was so hard I thought it was gonna explode. This was after I banged my chick and beat off a few times.

Hormones are powerful things.

I tried this defense when a buddy of mine got caught, and his wife was grilling me. She was in tears. “Billy! How could you not tell me? And how could he want to cheat on me?!”

“Um, listen Nancy. It’s like this. He doesn’t love that woman. Really, he doesn’t. His hormones took over. He couldn’t control himself.”

She screamed something hysterically like “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” and slammed the phone against the wall.

They can be a Super Bitch every month, throw tantrums, then drive their kids into a lake, but the hormone defense doesn’t work for us.

Which reminds me…have I ever told you how many of my “normal” friends call me up looking for a hook-up? Let’s take a second and define normal: they’re married, mostly with kids; they’ve got a good job; they love their wives; they love their kids more; they haven’t gotten a blow job since 2005.

It goes something like this: “Yo Billy! My man! How’s life? (Insert 10 minutes of banter (the weather, the state of our economy, and then our specific business)). Hey man, are those girls you film really crazy or what?”

“Yes. Some of them are.”

“Do they do stuff without a camera running?”

“Yes. Some do.”

“Does (insert their favorite Porno Princess here)”?

“I don’t know. I really never asked. But I can find out.”

They usually ask how much…and it just goes from there.

Did I ever tell you about my actor pal who became my “pal” for the same reason? He wanted to fuck Porno Princesses, and he actually got pissed that someone like him had to pay for their services. It makes me laugh every time I tell someone.

Even if their better half is putting out, dudes are still jonesing for something new. Even the few who don’t get any on the side. And that’s why porn is great. I’m saving marriages, one scene at a time. This is the one thing no one really wants to talk about.

You know I’m right, too. You’re just not sure who you want to admit it to.

So, grab a pen and a piece of paper, cause your very favorite pornographer is about to give you a lesson on Morality: next time you feel the urge, just join a porn site. If that doesn’t work, then do this: when you’re caught, tell the truth.

Ask to be forgiven.

And, in the middle of defending yourself, point your finger up to the sky.