I think I got Chayse Evans this week! WOOT WOOT!
Prostitutes & Lesbians
Porn = Art?
When I was in junior high, I had a Social Studies teacher who was a total hippy. He’d play records while we were working on whatever it was we were working on that day. One of his records was “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”, and I’d always wonder why anyone would name anything “The Worst” of…until now.
I stand by this blog, and my take that the sole purpose of porn is to make a dude ejaculate. In the same breath I’d like to say I’ve never met Eon, but I know a lot of people who have, and everyone who works with him respects him and has nothing but good things to say…but that doesn’t mean he’s right. Nor am I.
This blog’s original air date: November 25th, 2005.
MR sends me an article from the Village Voice on some new porno director dude calling himself “Eon McKai“, part of which reads:
I fundamentally disagree that all porn can do—and should do—is get people off. Porn illustrates fantasies and shows people other sexual worlds. It teaches, it preaches. It validates, invalidates, reflects, inspires, entertains, evokes, even enrages….Some producers want to churn it out as fast as they can and collect their paychecks. But there are others who want to make something different, who have an agenda, who are not just phoning it in. Just because there are close-up shots of cocks impaling pussies doesn’t mean it can’t be art.
Then, McKai is quoted in the same article as saying: Porn just happens to be this thing where the person giving you the money really wants good sex. So you, as the director, have all this room to play in between the humping,” says McKai. “Can you blame me for putting a little art in there?
And to this I say fuck yea, Mr. McKai, I’ll blame you. I’ll blame you all day long…for making bad porn.
Let’s get something straight: porn has never been – nor ever will be – art.
One of the things Paul Thomas Anderson really got right in his film Boogie Nights was Burt Reynold’s character “Jack Horner”. Mr. McKai is today’s Jack Horner. As is Paul Thomas, and the Jenna Jameson crew, and everyone at Vivid, Wicked, VCA, and every other company that spends more than, say, $12,000 for a skin flick.
See, when it gets down to it, all these porno people want to be are “real” movie stars. They want to be “real” directors, and “real” writers. But they can’t. Usually, they can’t because of a lack of talent. It’s really that simple. Don’t get me wrong – they’re great pornographers. Well…most of them started out as great pornographers.
Then, they wanted “more”. They wanted to realize their “inner vision”. Some creative idea that “needed to released.”
Just like Jack Horner’s editor says in Boogie Nights, right after he’s done cutting the latest Chest Rockwell/Brock Landers film, “well Jack, you’ve really done it. This is it. This is a real movie.” And Jack’s chest inflates; he’s so proud of himself.
Not for making good porn…but for making a “real” movie.
Poor Jack.
Poor Eon.
Making a statement like “porn can be art” is offensive. I can see Marcel Duchamp groaning up in Art Heaven right now, over a game of chess. Next to Warhol, who’s hanging out with his old heart throb Truman Capote…as they’re watching Jackson Pollack stumble around, drunk and insecure.
Some work might fall in a “gray area”. Mapplethorpe comes to mind almost immediately. But all it takes is someone with 1/2 a brain about one second to realize Mapplethorpe’s photography isn’t porn. Labeling Mapplethorpe’s photos as “porn” would be a lot like calling a painting by Peter Paul Rebens dirty – or sitting in a musuem, realizing you’re all alone, and trying to rub one out over Renoir’s “A Seated Bather”.
I hate to break the news to ya, but there’s good porn, and there’s bad porn. And that’s it. And porn’s sole reason to exist is to get people off. Nothing more. Ever.
For me, good porn just shows a heet getting pounded by a dude, and she takes a big ol’ load to the kisser. Especially if she didn’t want it on her face. Or a cute white chick getting banged by a big-dicked brother. Or two super hot lesbos making out and fingering each other till someone’s pussy squirts.
For me, bad porn is some bullshit session where “actors” like Jenna Jameson and her crew fuck their husbands/boyfriends on camera after trying to memorize a bad script some two-bit hack wrote…all the while shit is blowing up all around them. Or while pirates are chasing them.
Great porn: Circa ’94 Jenna Jameson fucking Randy West in Up and Cummers #10 cause she needed money desperately.
Bad Porn: Circa ’05 Jenna Jameson fucking her hubby (for the umpteeth time) in The New Devil in Miss Jones for way too much money while Paul Thomas “directs”.
If I want to see a bad action movie, I’ll rent a Steven Segal flick. Or anything starring Sly Stallone.
If I want to see an art film, I’ll go to LA MOCA on Saturday nights.
Just like Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell, “serious porn” (for lack of a better name) is, at best, laughable. It’s mostly dumb and boring. It’s porn being made by mainstream entertainment failures and wannabes who can’t admit to what they are.
And finally – to Eon Mckai. Change your name, immediately. It’s an insult to Minor Threat/Fugazi fans everywhere – as well as Mr. MacKaye himself. If you need a good porno name, here’s the rule: take your childhood pet’s name followed by the street you grew up on.
It works almost everytime.
Interview with a Porn Star (#63) — Roy Karch
I Shoot Porn: Let’s see if I got this straight — you were the first person to shoot porn on video tape?
Roy Karch: Yes, I am. That was 1974. We were using Sony Portopacks, and they were the new invention. They came in a case, and you carried it on your shoulder. 1/2 inch, reel-to-reel, black and white video tape. So, for the first time, the consumer could actually video tape content. Cable TV had come about in 1973, and in NYC we had a channel. A designated channel that wasn’t censored — public access. It was mandated by Federal Law — they could not censor anything you gave them. So my partner and I decided to test the airwaves. If they didn’t censor us, then the airwaves belonged to the people. We did a weekly show on that channel called “The Underground Tonight Show”. We were on for three years, every Friday night, live, taking phone calls. 150 hours worth of programming was taped.
ISP: Who were some of your guests?
RK: We focused on three areas: politics, music, and sex. We had Jerry Rubin and Abbey Hoffman. We were all hippies. It was the end of the hippy era. As far as music, we had Patti Smith, Debbie Harry before she was Blondie, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Television, Phil Ochs. As for sex, we had Marilyn Chambers, Betty Dodson, Tina Russell, Mark Stevens (Mr. 10 1/2), and Al Goldstein.
ISP: What do you remember about Tom Verlaine?
RK. Not much. We were taping the shows back then at Richie Haven’s place, Cafe Wha? Television was playing CBGB’s a lot then. They just came in, did their song, and left. I really didn’t hang with them.
ISP: This all sounds to me like you were doing Al Goldstein before Al Goldstein was doing Al Goldstein.
RK: (laughs) Al said, “one day I’m gonna have a show like this…but it will be in color.” Anyways, Marilyn Chambers did a segment for us called “Dial-A-Poz” (as in pose). The models would take call-in requests and pose however the caller wanted. For example, a guy named Tom might have called in from the Upper West side and asked, “Hey Marilyn, would you stick your fingers up your ass?” And then she’d say, “sure!” and do it. Right on TV. This was sex coming straight into your living room.
ISP: And it predates Web Cams by some 30 years — give or take.
RK: Exactly. This was 1975. But in ’74 we hit the ceiling. That year we had a Supreme Court decision in our favor. Here’s what happened: We had Betty Dodson on the show, and she brought 5 women with her, and they brought dildos and vibrators, and they were all masturbating on TV. That’s when the cable company pulled the plug on us. We literally went black. And we didn’t know til the next morning, when it was a NY Times headline. Remember — this is public access, and they weren’t allowed to censor us…so we went to the FCC. The FCC went to the Supreme Court on our behalf. The Court upheld their original ruling that public access is, indeed, uncensored. Then we went back on…and that is the very beginning of X-Rated content on cable. My ruling was paved the way for adult content on cable television.
ISP: And before all that, you were male talent?
RK: Yea, while I was a gym teacher. My girlfriend was a dental assistant, and she came home with an ad from the NY Post: “Couples needed for risque photographs.” We answered the ad and were told to come on down to a little basement on 14th Street in Manhattan. There was a man with a camera who told us he’d be shooting 8mm film on his little Brownie without sound. He then told us it wouldn’t be still photos but film…and would we still be interested? Pay was $700 for the couple. This is 1970. This is when rent was $75 a month. He also made a point of telling us it was illegal.
ISP: Which is what most people don’t realize. Shooting porn then was a felony…and, in fact, it still is — except for California and New Hampshire.
RK: It was illegal anywhere up til ’88. Which meant, shooting porn in LA, in the 80’s, we would meet at Ralph’s supermarket. All the talent, all the crew. Like 6.30 AM all the cars would pull in. From there we’d get into two vans and drive off. The only person who knew where we were going was me. Cause I booked the location and talent and crew. This had to be secret because it was illegal. We would then drive to a different parking lot and get into one bigger van. And then we would drive outside of LA County — my favorite spot was Palm Springs. Herschel Savage made these trips with me. Peter North, Chuck Martino, Erica Boyer, Patty Petite, Sharon Mitchell…they all made that trip. In the final van we’d drive to a house I had rented for the weekend and shoot the entire weekend. No phones. No cell phones. No one could call out or in. No one was contactable. As the tapes were shot, we hid them…in case the cops busted in. At the end of the weekend I’d drop everyone off at their car at Ralph’s.
ISP: Did you ever bang Christy Canyon?
RK: No comment.
ISP: Ever bang Ginger Lynn?
RK: No comment. But let me say something…they talk about this on Playboy Radio. Night Calls…I think that’s what the show is called. Much like my old show.
ISP: Tell me something about John Holmes no one knows.
RK: In 1979 I was production managers for Dracula Sucks. This was Seka’s first feature. Shot in 35mm, Panavision. John Holmes, John Leslie, Paul Thomas, Anette Haven, Kate Parker…Lisa DeLieuw. Everyone in the business was in this movie. So, one night, early in the morning, I was roaming around making the rounds. In the kitchen, John Holmes was cooking stew. He said, “we’re gonna have a great lunch tomorrow!” So, as he’s cooking stew, they were rolling an anal scene, people were sleeping — we’d shoot 24/7 working around the clock — and John Holmes was cooking stew. He was a great guy.
ISP: How was his stew?
RK: We all loved it. John Holmes made great stew.
ISP: Where is this business going?
RK: The business will always follow the money, and the money is on the internet. At least it is right now. There are so many platforms now that need content, that if you’re creative and ambitious, it’s a whole new world for pornographers. See…some of us are pornographers. Some are filmmakers. Some are entrepreneurs…but pornographers just wanna make good porn.
Today’s Guest Blogger: The Minion — on being male talent.
From time to time I have guests blog whatever it is they feel like blogging. I will not tell them what to blog; I won’t edit it; I won’t influence the Guest Blogger in any way.
Everyone knows The Minion. I’ve interviewed him here, and he’s done some guest blogging in the past. And we’re about to clock two years as co-workers. Here’s the funny thing: I dunno what I’d do without him…yet, at the same time, he drives me crazy. Anyways, today The Minion talks about being male talent…as it pertains to him.
So you think you can fuck whores while getting verbally humilated on AND off camera? You have some grand illusion that you can come up with one-liners at the drop of a dime while an inebriated Korean director is yelling at you for who knows what? If you can then you might be the next in line for the Minion Throne. Looking at theminion.com has brought back tons of memories for me. It’s kind of like a fucked up time machine had it been invented by Doc Brown equipped with a VX2000 and not a Delorean. I’m going to tell you schmucks how hard (no pun intended) it is to be male talent. It’s even that much harder when the guy you’re shooting for was a masochistic ex-con who thought he was invincible. However, it was still an interesting journey that saw me run through 125+ porn whores-past and present. Don’t get me wrong, I gobbled up Viagra like it was going out of style. I then moved onto Levitra which was almost as delicious as Abba-Zaba’s. I’d pop one in and hopefully it would get enough blood flow to my miniscule cock (thanks, DAD!) and we were off to the races! First, I had to gather a bunch of food for the whore to shove down my throat as she verbally cut me down to size. Then, after a monologue that displayed my wit, I’d have her suck my dork while a giggling gook would be shooting all this. “Slap him harder!”is what I’d often hear as Chico Wang would capture this train wreck on DV. It was then time for her to ride my 4 inches of raging cock! Now it’s hard enough for most guys to do this in a normal situation but factor in the abuse from all sides and you can see that wood was something I’d pray for as often as I prayed for the double Big-Mac to return. An interesting story I have from one of many encounters on set had to do with this Milf named Lexi. Chico’s friend brought her by Boogie Nights 4.0 and I was already visually underessing her. I was hoping she’d give me the chance to give her no pleasure whatsoever and moments later Chico told me I’d be banging her. I ran off to the local market for some food which included donuts and other shit which fucks up your arteries. I also grabbed the Magnum Condoms (which became a staple of 90% of the Minion Scenes) and I swallowed a bunch of viagra down the gullet. I was so into this geriatric whore that I popped in the first position which didn’t please Chico the CockSucker. He brought her back a few days later to continue where we left off and in the second position is where my cock vomited once again. It was strike 2 and we had to bring her back for a 3rd time so we could get the money shot where it had to go. She fucked me as if I was holding her social security check hostage and I plastered her soon-to-be cosmetically altered face with my ball batter. I saw her in a bar a few years later and we spoke of the scene for a minute before she excused herself to go to the ladies room. She never returned and judging by the free videos you’re getting now it’s hard to blame her. If you’re a chick and you want me to wine and dine you at Popeye’s Chicken then hit me up at DoronPepperscone at yahoo (dot) com.
Super fun e-Mails: the sexy, American Life.
I find myself more and more dissapointed with porn lately, not because it’s not good at what it does, but because I want it to do other things. I want something between the insanity gonzo likes to push and the banal, boring “features” which to me are anything but sexy. I find myself wanting to see realistic scenarios featuring young looking stars wearing normal sexy clothes girls wear and talking like normal people, then fucking like crazy for my amusement.
I want a porn movie that looks and feels like it’s a real piece of sexy american life. A girl hanging with some guys, smoking up and drinking some beer, then ending up fucking a couple dudes, or making out with a girl. Skinny-dipping, flashing, truth or dare, sexy shit that happens and leads to sex all the damn time. Shit that actually happens, I’ve seen it, but most people never experience. As an older man with a wife who has moved into a different stage in his life I long to relive these sexy youthful moments, but no one is making porn that brings me back to those days… I usually find myself imaging these scenarios around a gonzo scene.
Is anyone making porn like this, yourself included? Naughty America is the closest I have seen, but even it falls way, way short of what I would like to see. I am tempted to make my own porn movie, but I have no idea where to start with that…
Help a guy relive his crazy days and see some hot porn.
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Hey Dane — one of the first things I learned making dirty movies is you can’t even come close to pleasing 10% of the porn viewers out there, let alone all of them. Just when you think you got a great BJ scene with a swallow, my members complain it wasn’t a facial.
Just like over at Blacks on Blondes …I’ll shoot a great gang bang, and then read on the boards some fan complaining about the lack of one-on-ones.
Your e-mail was almost exactly like Mr. POV’s pitch when he wanted us to build his site: he hated porno where dudes were more prominent than the girls; he loved Manojob and wanted his site to be like it cause the dudes keep their mouth’s shut and the girls talk to the viewer; he hated cheezy acting and dumb porno pick-ups.
Is this what you had in mind?
Or, more exactly, are you sure you want to define a “piece of sexy american life” like it’s Spring Break at Daytona Beach? Cause that’s really the only thing I could come up with when you say ” A girl hanging with some guys, smoking up and drinking some beer, then ending up fucking a couple dudes, or making out with a girl. Skinny-dipping, flashing, truth or dare, sexy shit that happens and leads to sex all the damn time.”
And I’m not sure that drinking and flashing leads up to sex all the time. At least not in my world. In fact, lately Billy Watson’s American Life is all about work, trying to catch a decent live show, maybe a movie, reading a good book, playing a record, and walking Maggie around Silverlake.
Oh, so American.
Oh, so sexy.
Marilyn Manson and Stoya.
Probably around the time your last chick dumped you.
One of the best celebrity sightings I ever saw was Marilyn Manson leaving the Hollywood Arc Light theater arm in arm with Evan Rachel Wood. But wait…I’m kinda fibbing. I caught a glimpse of this; Adrianna Nicole was the one who really caught the full sighting and then pointed it out to me.
I just read Marilyn’s completed his record, and he’s calling it The High End of Low, and it’s all about his messy break-up with Miss Wood. In addition, Ms. Manson is sportin’ 158 fresh, self-inflicted cuts, one for every unanswered call he placed to the actress during their break-up.
He cuts to let the pain out…kinda like half the girls in porn.
But maybe not. He confirmed the story and followed up with, “But they weren’t the type of wounds I’ve imposed on myself in the past, because, well, a razor blade is a very fine instrument, and it makes very small, precise cuts,” he says. “But I really don’t think that was bad. It was me making a point at the time, reminding myself of the stupidity of waiting on someone, a reminder that I’d made a mistake. So I’m glad that I did it, and I learned from the experience.”
Uh huh.
And now guess what?
He’s dating one of the Highest Porno Princesses today — Stoya — and he’s gone as far as to call Sotya his “salvation”.
Note to Ms. Manson’s man-servant: make sure the bathroom is razor free and clear the cutlery out the kitchen.
ASAP.
Interview with a Porn Star (#62) Herschel Savage
I Shoot Porn: Other than The Minion, you’re the only dude I’ve interviewed on this blog. Doncha feel special?
Herschel Savage: Yea, but get this. I just got paid — and was sent first class — to Vegas, celebrating the 30 year anniversary of Debbie Does Dallas. I was the lead male talent in that movie. I also helped coordinate a lot of the locations. But I never got to fuck Bambi Woods…only one actor did, at the end of the movie.
ISP: Damn…trumped again. When did you shoot your first scene, and who was it for?
HS: I don’t remember who my costar was…I remember her face. I shot it for Ted Snyder in March of ’76. It was a loop. Pretty big crew. Years later he was murdered in LA over a drug deal.
ISP: When you showed up on set, were there a bunch of mobsters lurking around? And what kinds of places were they shooting smut back then?
HS: I didn’t notice any mobsters. There were quite a few people there. I was too nervous to worry about mobsters. I didn’t know how I was going to even perform. I come from a very conservative background. I wasn’t one to walk around naked. And the whole atmosphere in the NYC porn scene was skeevy. Dark. Forbidden.
ISP: Ever fear for your well-being?
HS: There were some uncomfortable situations. Sets in seedy lofts. I remember this one Czech dude I worked for just reeked of sleaze. A real scumbag. Doberman Pinscheres on chains in his loft, barking. The kind of situations where normal people couldn’t get an erection…but I never had that problem.
ISP: You shooting primarily in New York?
HS: Yea…up till about ’79.
ISP: How did the talent show up? All hung over from Studio 54? Did the girls bring douches? Condoms? Enemas?
HS: First off, there was almost no anal scenes produced at that time. I mean the cleanliness factor wasn’t there like it is today, but we weren’t worried about HIV/AIDES, either. We didn’t really even have lube then. In fact, the lube of choice for male performers then was Albolene make-up remover. It almost looks like Vaseline, but not as heavy. Washed off with water. Good stuff. Got the job done.
ISP: Did you go to a theater to see Deep Throat?
HS: I didn’t. I remember walking on the street in Manhattan and seeing couples lined up around the block to see that movie. First time in the history of porn. Men in suits! It got a lot of publicity cause of Watergate…you know, “Deep Throat”. Same reason why Debbie Does Dallas did so well…the real Dallas cheerleaders has just broke out and were becoming a hugely popular.
ISP: No Viagra on set meant…
HS: In the old days? No stimulants to help you get hard. That’s why there were only a handful of guys in the biz. I mean maybe 20 or 30 total, nationwide. That was it. Today the guys in their 20’s are taking Viagra. I mean if you can’t get it hard with a hot girl when you’re in your 20’s, what’s wrong with you? Before Viagra, these guys wouldn’t gotten 3 shots and then they woulda been out. Even then there were a lot of guys trying to get in, but they failed all the time. When the camera starts rolling, there’s pressure. I never felt it.
ISP: Tell me something about John Holmes no one already knows.
HS: I don’t think I can…well, OK. The last big feature he did — Nasty Nurses — I was the male lead, and they rented out a former medical facility. Like an old hospital they fixed up to shoot the movie. When it was time to find John, he was nowhere to be found. It took us three hours, and when they found him, he was holed up in a closet smoking coke. It was the drug of choice in 1983.
ISP: I’m assuming getting into the biz in 1976 was all word-of-mouth?
HS: For me, I was dating a girl and I was looking for work, and she said to me, “you know, you should talk to my girlfriend’s boyfriend.” It turned out to be R. Bolla. He turned me on to a theatrical agent in Manhattan who did mainstream bookings, but on the side she booked for porn flicks.
ISP: Ever go to CBGB’s after a scene and catch The Ramones? Or Television?
HS: I probably went a couple times. But I was never into the Studio 54 crowd. Unless I was assured of getting in, I wasn’t standing in any fucking line to be approved to get into a club. From the Mamas and the Popas to the Stones to the Moody Blues, I listened to the great groups. But I was never really into the punk thing.
ISP: Other than getting laid, why did you get into the biz?
HS: I needed money. I kept getting involved with girls, but I wasn’t really a confident guy, but I wanted to find hotter girls and money. Non-committal sex. I was a Buddist then, as I am now. So I’d chant “Nam myoho renge kyo” and hope for the best. The idea, of course, is to be a happy person. Can’t blame anyone else for your misfortune.
ISP: Ever bang Marilyn Chambers?
HS: Yea. First time I fucked her was on Up and Coming…I’m pretty sure. She was a country singer, and I was a last-minute replacement. The other guy was fucked up on drugs. I played her manager. We shot in two cities — SF and LA. The SF location is in Tiburon, very wealthy neighborhood. This home was unreal. I walk in and Marilyn is just giving orders. “THIS LIGHT IS WRONG! THIS NEEDS TO BE FIXED!” So she goes on and on and finally I tell her to shut the fuck up. The room gets quiet, and everyone’s looking at her, and she just burst out laughing. I said it in a nice way, of course. Turned out to be a hot scene.
ISP: Traci Lords?
HS: Yes. Early. No one knew she was 15. Not that she looked old, but no matter what she says now, she was into it. HOT. She was being interviewed right before our first scene, and the interviewer asked her, “So you’re working with Herschel Savage…how do you feel?” and she thought I was hot. Which is always good. So it was an amazing scene. To this day I have people calling me a lucky fucker over that scene.
ISP: Savannah?
HS: I was out of the business when she was in, but I know her story.
ISP: Jenna Jameson?
HS: I did not fuck her. I acted in a few big Wicked productions, but I did not get a chance to work with her. I probably didn’t make the grade for her.
ISP: In general, why do you think most guys get into the porn biz?
HS: I think initially they’re obsessed with porn, or they want fame and recognition. They have no dreams of any other kind. For many guys, they think I’ve got the greatest job in the world. But in reality, it’s the greatest part-time job in the world.
ISP: What is the difference between the young dudes just getting into the biz and the older cats that have been in the game?
HS: There’s so many now…I guess if I was forced to generalize I’d say there’s a lot of dopes. A lot of the guys from my generation had strong personalities. They were the kind of guys you didn’t dismiss right away. And there were only a few of us. There just weren’t that many, you know? I mean when you’re chosen to fuck Anette Haven in her prime, that’s kinda special. Or to be on Marilyn Chamber’s approved list…or Annete’s list…that meant work. I never fucked up, either…except a few times when I went on a coke binge.
ISP: The best pussy you ever nailed on set?
HS: So hard to say. So many…
ISP: The craziest girl you ever worked with?
HS: They’re all fucking crazy. No one’s gonna remember Renee Summers. This is like early 80’s. Oh wait…Lysa Thatcher. She’s now living with the Mitchell Brother who’s still alive. Sexy girl, snaggle front tooth. Sexy. Can’t forget her. Crazy.
ISP: Over the last 50 years, porn’s gone from Stag Nights at the Lion’s Club and Nudist magazines, to dirty theaters, to VHS, to DVD…to the internet and iPods and cell phones. What’s next?
HS: Um…well, I always think of the movie Brain Storm. Natalie Woods’ last film. Virtual reality taken to a sexual level…you can actually feel the pussy….but then human productivity would probably come to an end.
Natalia Rossi — World Class Dick Sucker; Wilco — World Class Band.
I’ll keep this brief: I want to say I cast girls based on their looks, but I learned long ago that’s a losing proposition. Why? Cause my “10” is your “7”, and your “10” is my “2”. And while I’m sure we can all define ugly, and we might be able to point out the ugly girl in the crowd, not all of us are gonna point to the same girl.
Where am I going with this?
Well, I don’t shoot ugly girls.
How about this: my old partner at Spunkmouth loves peroxide blondes in lingerie with huge bolt-ons.
I’ll take my Porno Princess looking like she’s about to go out on a first date.
But that’s just me.
Anyways, there’s a zillion cliches about what I’m trying to say, and I’m not going to bore you with them. Instead, I’ll say it again: Natalia Rossi is a piece of ass.
I like Natalia Rossi more than I like Indie Pop Rocks on SOMAFM.
I like Natalia Rossi almost better than the new Wilco record. (Buy the vinyl and get the CD free).
I like Natalia Rossi better than the blueberry/ricotta cheese pancakes Little Dom’s serves up at their Sunday brunch.
I like Natalia Rossi almost better than Wilco’s Monday night show last month at the Wiltern.
I like Natalia Rossi as much as I like Katie St. Ives.
And that’s saying a lot, cause Katie St. Ives is super fucking hot. She’s got the kind of look that says “Return to Witch Mountain” way more than, say, “I wanna jerk you off.” That’s way hotter, right? Well…wait. That might not sound appropriate. I’m thinking now it’s not too wise to cite a Disney flick on a porn blog, and while I should just highlight the majority of the paragraph and hit the DELETE button, I’m gonna go ahead and stand by it.
Just like I’m gonna stand by this: Wilco’s Monday show last month at the Wiltern might have been one of the greatest live shows I’ve ever seen. Seriously. Now, you know I’m Gay For Wilco, so you’re thinking this something along the lines of this dude can’t be serious…but I am. I bet I’ve been to hundreds of shows since my very first one (Van Halen, Celebrity Theater, Summer of ’78) to my very last one (Wilco, Wiltern, June 22 2009) and I’m gonna say those guys are doing shit that not a lot of musicians can pull off. They’re just six dudes playing as one, and that’s something really special.
Let’s digress. Wilco was way better than the Sonic Youth show a few years back, and they’ve been playing together for 20+ years; Wilco ruled over Johnny Thunders circa ’86 (but probably not circa ’76 (who was he playing with in ’76?)); Wilco was way better than the Chili Peppers / Pearl Jam / Nirvana show, but that’s mainly cause I caught that show in the parking lot cause I wouldn’t shell out $30 to the scalpers; Wilco ruled over The Who show I caught in 1980 that was stopped 1/2 through due to an electric outage during a summer monsoon for over 2 hours…and when they walked back on stage they fucking absolutely shredded Baba O’Riley; Wilco might not have been as good as Karen Finley jamming yams up her cootchie and screaming all sorts of disturbing things at her audience; Wilco walked over almost any Meat Puppets show I ever caught (20 or 30 of ’em between ’84 to ’92); Wilco was way better than Annabella belting I Want Candy in her purple mini and Indian moccasins; and Wilco’s encores were better than when the Chili Peppers used to put tube socks over their weens for their encores (which, almost every time, was Hendrix’s “Fire”); Wilco’s encores were even better than Eels covering “La Grange” after almost everyone had left the building and the house lights had come back up (a haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw)).
A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw.
A haw, haw, haw.
Well, I hear it’s fine if you got the time
and the ten to get yourself in.
A hmm, hmm.
And I hear it’s tight most ev’ry night,
but now I might be mistaken.
hmm, hmm, hmm.
Ah have mercy.